


Leap of Faith

by simplymoa



Category: Supernatural RPF
Genre: Alternate Universe, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2009-10-29
Updated: 2010-08-29
Packaged: 2018-04-22 21:07:20
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 36
Words: 128,759
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4850570
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/simplymoa/pseuds/simplymoa
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Everybody has a dream. Some people make their dreams come true. Some just let their life slip by thinking about it.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> None of this would be possible and readable without my awesome beta, [](http://bigj52.livejournal.com/profile)[bigj52](http://bigj52.livejournal.com/) . I learn from you everyday.

_Thirty Five Days until Graduation_

“Jensen!” a boy's voice yelled as Jensen stared at the school board.  His friend, Tom, was standing with the principal, probably talking about his football scholarship and his plans after graduation. Jensen had no idea what his friend was going to do after graduation, "Jensen!"

"Huh?" Jensen asked as he turned around, seeing Derek, one of his best friends run up to him, "Oh hey!"

"Hey!" Derek, a tall boy, exclaimed, as they both hugged, "Can you believe it? Thirty five more days and we'll out of high school! We're going to be adults!"  
   
"Yeah," Jensen said as he smiled, "We're going to be adults. No more high school! We don't have to see these people every day anymore."

"So I guess I will see you Saturday at Tom’s performance for the local competition? I’m-," Derek asked as Jensen interrupted him.

"What?"  
   
"So I guess I will see you Saturday at Tom’s performance for the local competition?" Derek asked again as Jensen looked back at him quizzically, "He didn’t tell you?" Derek said, pausing as he saw Tom walking towards them, "Speak of the devil,"  
   
"What?" Jensen asked as he looked behind him to see Tom walk up to him, putting his arms around his neck, "Ugh,God, the moron best friend!"

"Moron my ass, buddy," Tom said as he ruffled Jensen’s short, spiky hair and Jensen smacked Tom’s hand away, grunting as Derek laughed.

"Tom, when were you going to tell me about your Saturday night plans?" Jensen asked.

“Oh, haven’t I told you? There is this-,” Tom was interrupted by the sound of the bell, “- Oh shit! I have to be in the gym in five minutes or the coach is going to skin me alive! How about we talk about it over the break?”

“Yeah, OK.”

“I’ll see you at the cafeteria then.”

With that Tom ran down the hallway.

_______________________________

Jensen was on his way over to the cafeteria to meet Tom when he heard the sweetest sound he could ever imagine.  He followed it into the music hall and that was where he first laid eyes on him.  He stood tall on the stage, eyes closed and chest heaving, singing his heart out to Jeff Buckley's "Grace".  Even as he brought the song to a close Jensen could still feel his voice vibrating around the room.  When he finished he opened his eyes, walked over to the tape player and shut off the background music.  Before Jensen could stop himself he said,

"You sound good!"

He turned to look at Jensen.

"Thanks, I've been practicing for a month now, you know, for that local competition on Saturday night down at _The Hard Rock Cafe_."

"Oh, are you going to be there? My friend, Tom is going to perform there too."

"Tom? As in Tom Welling?"

“That’s him.”

“We’ll be performing a duet together on the show.”

“Really?”

Jensen wondered why he had never seen this guy before in school. He watched the guy nodding as he put on his leather coat and then his backpack, getting ready to leave. Jensen found himself drawn to him, not wanting to see him go yet.

"So when is this competition show?"  Jensen knew the exact date but he just wanted to hear that voice again.

"Saturday night.  Will you be there?"

"Yes!" Jensen answered a little too desperately which prompted the guy to laugh.

"Wait a minute, aren't you one of those geek kids that hang outside classes passing out pamphlets about science fairs and Bible study sessions?"

"No."

"Yeah man, I recognize you.  I swear to God, the first day I came here you tried to convince me to become a member of your science club. I'm sure that was you."

"It wasn't me." Jensen said defensively for some reason, not wanting the guy to feel uncomfortable about his nerdy ways or his faith.

"It's OK! I don't care how you get high.  I think it's kinda cool that you do what you're passionate about and stand up for what you believe in.  It's like what I'm doing on Saturday. My parents don't want me to have anything to do with singing but I like it and I'm going make it a career, know what I mean?"

"Yeah.  I think you have what it takes too. Even in church some people don't sound that good."

"Yeah?  Well if you think that was good you should definitely come to the show Saturday night. There's gonna be a lot of people up there trying to win the top prize."

"I think you're gonna win."

"I hope so."

With that he turned to walk out the door but stopped briefly.

“What’s your name?”

"Jensen Ackles."

"Nice to meet you Jensen! I'm Jared, I'll look out for you Saturday."

"Ok." Jensen managed to get out as Jared walked out the door and made a left turn.

 

_______________________________

 

It had been raining that night, heavier than it had been in the last few weeks.  They had missed the last two school days of the week because of it but that was all the more time for Jensen to sit and to think about his plans for after graduation.  He was not sure if he wanted to take his scholarship and study law. His parents noticed the change in him and questioned Josh, his brother about it.

"I don't know what his problem is; I think he got a ‘B’ at school or something."

And being the type of parents that they were they encouraged Jensen to study more and pray about it.  Instead, Jensen prayed that he could find a way to make it out of the house that night without them knowing.  They had plans to spend an hour or so with Jensen’s sick aunt and then they were supposed to have dinner with Alan's colleague and his wife. That absence would give Jensen the opportunity to sneak out but the real problem would be sneaking back in.  If he were to ever get caught he knew that he would be in deep trouble.

 

"We're leaving now, Jensen," Donna, his mother called out from downstairs.

Jensen silently threw his hands up in the air for joy and began arranging his clothes for the evening.  He had never been to _The Hard Rock Cafe_ before and was more than a little nervous about the impression he would make.  The last thing he wanted anyone to see him as was a 'geek kid'.  Mackenzie, his sister, would stroll pass Jensen’s room every so often and peer in hoping to get an idea of what Jensen was up to.

"You're sneaking out, aren't you?"

"Yeah and you better not tell mom or dad."

"I won't...but only on one condition."

"What?"

"You gotta take me too."

Jensen had stopped dressing and had turned to face her, his face displaying the shock that he felt.

"You can't come!  It's not the right sort of place for a girl your age."

"I don't care.  If I can't go then you can't go."  And no matter how much begging and praying Jensen did, he ended up taking Mackenzie with him.

The line that wound around the side of the cafe was something that Jensen was not prepared for. It seemed that everyone in town was there that night, a thought that seemed to be lost on his sister.

"What's the big deal?"

"What's the big deal?  What if someone sees us and then goes back and tells them?"

"No one will see us, Jensen. Do you actually think that mom and dad will know anyone that would come to a place like this?"  And Jensen had to admit that the little rascal had a point.

"Fine! But stay alert, you never know."

And with that they had joined the hordes of patrons in the line.  It took ten minutes before they got to the front of the line and it took the bouncer less than ten seconds to put them out of it.

"I have money."  Jensen weakly stated, reaching for the fifty-dollar bill in his pocket.

"Sorry kid, but this is an ‘Invitation Only’ event. Unless you are performing or you have an invitation, you can't get in here."

Jensen was all but reduced to tears. No one had mentioned anything about an invitation to him.

"They're with me, Rick."

 

Jensen turned around and saw Jared standing there with a huge cowboy hat on, smiling at him. The bouncer looked at Jensen and Mackenzie, then smirked and opened the doors to let them in.

"Sorry about that. I totally forgot to hand you your invitations today at school."

"No problem. Where is Tom?"

"Backstage, getting ready. I wasn't expecting you to come."

"I said I would."

"Yeah, you did."

Jensen noticed Jared fidgeting as he looked around the packed cafe.

"Are you nervous?"

"A little. I just don't want to make a fool out of myself in front of everybody."

"Don't worry about what everybody else thinks. Just go out there and put everything you have into the performance and you'll win."

"Thanks," Jared said with a nervous smile, "Well, you guys should probably get comfortable, find a table or something.  They're about to start soon."

"Do we have to pay for the seats?"

"Never been in a place like this before, huh?"  He asked.  Sheepishly Jensen shook his head.

"Don't worry about it, just find a seat and enjoy the show."

And what a show it had been!  Jensen didn’tt care any more if they got into trouble because all of that show had been worth it.  To see so much talent in one place and to experience so many different kinds of music was something that he had never known. And when Jared took to the stage, it was as if no one was even there except Jensen.  He loved watching Jared sing. He had watched Jared’s every move and had listened to his every word. There was something captivating about Jared.

"Look at him," Jensen whispered as he stared at Jared, singing as he looked over towards him and Mackenzie and pointed at them, "He is just as good as any singer out there."

Jared had sung two songs that night.  One being _Grace_ by _Jeff Buckley_ , a solo performance and the other, _There Must Be More To Life Than This_ by _Freddie Mercury_ and _Michael Jackson_ , a duo he did with Tom,  and to say that they had brought the house down together with that song was an understatement.  Many in the audience begged for an encore. In the end Jared and Tom won the competition as the best male vocalists.

 

"Jensen, your friend's good!" Mackenzie declared excitedly.

"I know."  Was Jensen’s only response as his eyes followed them around the room, never losing sight of Jared.

It was half an hour later before Jared and Tom made a move towards their table.

"Can you believe it?  I mean, I knew we sounded good together but damn, that was hot!" Tom said, the energy radiating from him.

"You were great!"

"Thanks. I've never sang like that before and then with that duo, it was like I didn't want to stop." Jared said.

"You sang your heart out, bro," Tom said patting Jared on the back.

They spent the whole night talking about what a great performance they had had and even though Jensen knew he should have gone home as soon as it was over, he did not.

"So your parents let you out tonight?" Tom asked.

"No, I sneaked out."  Jensen replied. Jared laughed and shook his head.

"Same here.  Maybe it's time we all got home.  Where do you live?"

"Near Richardson Avenue. A few blocks away from where Tom lives."

"I'm on the other side of Richardson.  Lexington valley, you know it?"

Jensen had heard of the neighborhood and knew it was a very upscale area.

"Yeah."

That night, Jared walked Tom, Jensen and Mackenzie halfway home and then went back to catch his bus. Jensen watched him go until he was out of sight.

“So see you tomorrow at school, Jensen?” Tom asked as they arrived home.

“Yeah. See you, buddy.”

With that Tom was gone. Surprisingly they arrived home to an empty house.

"I wasn't gonna tell on you Jensen, even if you didn't take me," Mackenzie whispered as Jensen took her upstairs.

"Thanks."

"I had fun."

"Me too, sis."

"I like him Jensen," Mackenzie murmured sleepily as Jensen tucked her into bed and turned off the light.

"I like him too," Jensen replied as Mackenzie's soft breathing filled her little bedroom.

 

_______________________________

 

"Hey kid!  You nerdy faggot!"

 Jensen instantly knew they were talking to him but he decided to ignore them and continued to walk.

"Hey sissy!  I'm talking to you!" 

The big guy stepped in front of Jensen, blocking his path.

"Me?" Jensen stuttered which caused a barrage of laughter.

"Yeah you, shithead." 

Another fit of laughter broke out.

"Leave me alone."

"What?  Did you guys just hear what he said to me?" 

His two friends just nodded and repeated Jensen's words.

"Leave you alone!  Why should I leave you alone?  You're on my territory, you freak!"

"Yeah, he is.  I say we should kick his ass for that." His friend chimed in.

"No!" Jensen cried hysterically and dropped all his books and started backing away, but despite his efforts, they both caught up to him and knocked him to the ground.  Jensen felt something trickle down his nose into his mouth - blood.

"I didn't do anything wrong."  Jensen cried, trying to ward off the blows.  Suddenly he heard someone call out his name and looked up to see Jared running to his side.  The bigger one tried to push Jared out of his way but instead found himself lying on the ground beside Jensen, holding his nose.

"You broke my nose you...,-"

He didn’t get the chance to say anything else as Jared kicked him in the stomach.

 

"You OK, Jensen?"  Jared asked, helping Jensen up.

"Yeah,"  Jensen cried, trying to get away from Jared.

"Jensen, wait!"  Jared called after him but all Jensen did was run.

"Wait! Why are you running away from me?" Jared panted as he finally caught up with Jensen.

"Why do you want to be my friend, Jared?"

Jared stopped walking and turned to look at Jensen.

"Why would you even say something like that?"

Jensen put his hands into his pockets and stared at the ground, trying to come up with a viable reason.

"I don't know.  I mean…didn't you hear what they were calling me?"

"I did, but why should I care?"

"You don't care about being friends with a gay boy?"

"Should I?"

"You tell me! Just look at the way things are, the way the world is. There are not a lot of people who want to be my friend."

"You mean the sexuality thing, me being straight, you being gay?"

"Yeah.  What would your parents say about that?" Jensen said, shuddering.

"I don't care.  I'm almost a man and I can be friends with whoever I want to be friends with and I want to be friends with you."

Jensen smiled at those words. 

"Good because I want to be friends with you, too."

"Good.  So, you never told me your plans for after graduation," Jared said as he shouldered his bag.

"Well, I've got a scholarship for Law School," Jensen replied as he shifted the book in his hand, "My parents want me to become a lawyer."

"That's really smart," Jared said with a smile, "God, I can't believe we are going to be out of high school next week."

"Yeah," Jensen did not feel much enthusiasm about graduation when he thought about the probability of never seeing Jared again after high school, "So what are you going to do after high school?"

"Tom and I are thinking about throwing a graduation party next week. Are you going to come?"

"Yeah, I'll do my best, but what does that have to do with anything?" Jensen quizzically asked.

"We're announcing what we're going to do that night at the party."

"You are?" Jensen asked as he looked at Jared, "What are you doing?"

"Can't tell ya," Jared said as he laughed, "Hey, I brought my camera today. Come get a picture taken with me."  Jared stopped walking and started rummaging through his backpack, finally retrieving an old Polaroid camera.

"Where did you get that?"

"It was my father's. He gave it to me."

"Cool.  So how are we going to take this picture?"  Jared's face lit up like a Christmas tree.  He walked over to the brick wall and placed the camera on it.

"I put it on self-timer!  Now SMILE!"

They had hugged each other and attempted to look all cute but instead came out looking comical. 

Later that night Jensen laid on his bed, looking at every detail of that picture.

"You should burn that damn thing, dude!" Josh had said when he saw the picture.

Jensen ignored his brother and stared at the picture. That picture meant so much to him. In the short span of his friendship with Jared, that boy had become his life. Destroying that picture was like destroying a piece of his life and that, he could not do.

Finally he put the picture away, turned the bedside lamp off and cuddled up to his pillow.

What were Jared and Tom up to?

 

 


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> AU /  Everybody has a dream. Some people make their dreams come true. Some just let their life slip by thinking about it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> None of this would be possible and readable without my awesome beta,[](http://bigj52.livejournal.com/profile)[bigj52](http://bigj52.livejournal.com/) . I learn from you everyday.

Jensen’s parents had decided to throw him a graduation party, and Jensen had to be there when all he wanted to do was go over to Jared and Tom’s party. All his aunts, uncles, cousins, family friends, and everybody else were there at the party. They talked to him about going to college to become a lawyer. They all thought that was what he should do. He just stood there and listened to them in silence. He was just too shy to tell them what he really wanted to do.

 

Finally after spending some time with the guests, he told his mother that he was going to go to Tom’s graduation party and that he'd be home later. His dad was not too keen on that idea. His parents had always been more overprotective of him than they had ever been of Josh. He always wondered whether that was because he was younger than Josh or the fact that he was gay.

 

For some reason that he could not put his finger on he was actually a little nervous about the party. He just felt a little uncomfortable. He wondered whether it was because tonight was a very important night or that the fact that Jared would be there. He knew Tom and Jared were planning on performing a few songs at the party as well.  
He pulled up to Tom’s house that was just a few blocks away. It was an old house that Tom's great grandparents owned and it was passed down to his parents who never used it. So Tom used it as a place to hang out with his friends, and it was where Tom usually practiced and performed.

 

Jensen shoved his keys into his pockets and started to walk up to the door. He saw two guys doubled over laughing, falling about because they were already drunk. He walked in and paused, looking around. Derek was standing over in the corner, talking with his girlfriend Sera who smiled as Derek waved to him.

 

"Hey buddy!" Tom yelled as Jensen stopped, turning around to see his friend walking towards him with a can of soda in his hand, "Just for you, since you're a good boy and don't drink," he said as Jared walked up to them, taking a sip of his beer.  
"You shouldn't have," Jensen said as he looked back at Jared and then at Tom, "Tonight is a special night, I might drink something other than soda."

 

"You look good," Jared said as he looked Jensen up and down, "You clean up pretty well," he said as both Jensen and Tom crossed their arms, "Are you trying to impress someone?"

 

Tom started to laugh, "Yeah right," he said, handing Jensen the soda "How was your graduation party? Did your mom get mad because I didn’t show up? I know I promised her I would be there, but I had a lot to take care of here, for the party and all, you know?"

 

 "She figured you would be busy," Jensen said, "She was asking me about your plans now that high school is over. They all want me to go to Stanford."

 

"Oh," Tom said with a smile, "Tonight we're announcing what we're going to do after the first song," He smiled at Jensen once again as Tom and Jared started to walk away, going over to welcome the new guests arriving at the party. Jensen stood there smiling, almost in a daze until Derek walked over, snapping him out of it.

 

"Hey Jenny," Derek said, patting Jensen on the back, "You look good!"

 

 "Thanks man," Jensen said as Derek crossed his arms, smiling, "Do you know what Jared and Tom are going to announce?"

 

"That they're gay and they're in love with one another?" Derek asked as Jensen almost choked on his drink, "Relax man, I’m just kidding! I had no idea they were going to make an announcement. Who said that?"

 

"They both told me," Jensen said as Derek looked at him and smiled, "What? What are you thinking?"

 

 "Maybe he knows," Derek said as Jensen looked at him questionably.

 

“Who knows?” Jensen said as he looked over his shoulder at Jared as he was putting his guitar on, talking to Tom who was adjusting the microphone, "Jared. Maybe he knows how you feel about him,"

 

 Was he that obvious? He always thought he was pretty good at hiding his feelings.

 

“Who said I have feelings for him?”

 

“Come on, man. I’ve known you for how long?”

 

“Eighteen years.”

 

“Exactly. I know you like the back of my hand.”

 

Derek did have a point.

 

"So you think he knows?" Jensen asked and Derek shrugged. Jared tapped on the microphone and everybody was quiet, listening to him as he started to talk.

 

"Alright guys, are you having fun yet?" Tom said as the crowd cheered, "That's what I thought! Alright, listen up! After this first song we've got a very special announcement to make," Tom said as he looked over at Jared, "And since we're all free of high school, we probably will not see some of you for a long time so we're going to take requests. So are you guys ready to partaaaaaay?" Jensen smiled as the crowd cheered and the band started playing.

 

 Jensen could not take his eyes away from Jared. Watching him sing was at the top of his list of favorite things to do. There was something about that handsome guy that shook Jensen to the core.

 

"Aren’t they awesome?" Jensen said, unable to take his eyes away from Jared, "I know they will be huge some day, I just know it."

 

"You're just saying that because they’re your friends," Derek said, watching Jensen smile as the song started to end, "Oh, the announcement!"

 

 Jensen was suddenly nervous. He swallowed hard as Tom walked up towards the microphone with Jared.

 

"OK guys, here is the announcement. Jared and I are going to leave for Nashville to try to get a record deal! Now are you ready for the next song?"

 

 Jensen just stood there in shock.

 

Tom and Jensen had talked about their plans and their dreams for after graduation ever since they had started high school. Tom knew that was Jensen’s dream, to move to Nashville and find his way into the music industry. Not as a singer of course, he never thought he had what it took to be a singer, to be a star, but he could be a songwriter. Tom thought he would be great when he first showed Tom some of his poems he’d written. Now they had decided to move to Nashville and Tom had not even bothered to share the news with him, especially when he knew that had always been Jensen’s dream? It was just wrong. They could not move to Nashville without him. They just _could not_ , not without him.

 

Jensen left Derek without a word and walked out of the house and onto the porch, looking out at the darkness with his arms crossed, trying not to get upset. He kept telling himself that he had no reason to get upset. That was all a lie, though. Not only were they going off to chase his dream, they were going to take away his other dream, Jared, and that was just not fair.  
He took a deep breath, trying hard not to be mad or upset. He told himself that his friends were doing the right thing, pursuing their dreams, and that he should be supportive and be happy for them. It was just damn hard to do all that when he was going to be the one left behind with nothing to hold on to. He did not want Tom to feel guilty or worry himself to death, like he knew Tom would if he ever found out exactly why Jensen was upset. Well, Tom knew he would be upset about them leaving Jensen behind but he did not know about Jensen’s feelings for Jared.

 

 "Hey," a voice said that brought Jensen out of his thoughts, "Tom wanted me to come and find you because he figured you would get mad at the announcement."

 

 "Why would I get mad?" Jensen whispered, willing his voice to stay indifferent and calm, as he looked over his shoulder, seeing Jared standing there, "It _is_ great news. You guys are going off to chase your dreams. I’m happy for you."

 

 "It’s about Tom not sharing the news with you beforehand, isn’t it?" Jared asked as Jensen rolled his eyes, not even wanting to turn around and look at Jared, "I mean…he told me about you always wanting to move down to Tennessee and find your way into the business. It’s just that with your full ride to Stanford and all, he figured you had let go of that dream. That's why he didn't tell you. I mean…who in their right mind would let go of that opportunity?"

 

"Yeah," Jensen whispered again as he uncrossed his arms, running his fingers through his short hair. He did not want to be mad at Jared, but damn, Jared was making it quite difficult for him at that moment.

 

"Not everyone is quite as smart as you, you know,” Jared said with a hint of a smile in his voice, “We're not in high school anymore and we've got to do something with our lives. We're just leaving to go do this. Our parents won't like it but -"  
"Alright, enough!" Jensen said as he turned around, looking at Jared, "You don't have to give me all the reasons why you guys want to do this. I know this is your dream, it’s something you’ve always wanted to do and I support you."

 

"Then why are you upset?" Jared asked, looking at Jensen. Jensen took a deep breath, bit down on his bottom lip and stared back at him.

 

"It’s just that-," Jensen paused for a while, wondering one last time if he was doing the right thing, "- I want to come to Nashville with you guys."

 

"What? Are you crazy??" Jared exclaimed.

 

"Maybe. I won’t be in your way, I swear. I can help you guys with cooking or cleaning. I can cook too. I'm pretty good  in the kitchen, you know," Jensen said as Jared shook his head ‘no’, "Jared! Come on! Please! I really want to do this. It’s my dream too."

 

"What…what about your scholarship? What about Stanford?"

 

 "It can wait. I want to give this a shot, see how it will go. Then if I think it would never work out for me, I will go back to school. I know I can do this Jared, I just know it. Just talk to Tom. I know if I ask him he won't let me. He knows all my weaknesses and he will use them against me," Jensen said as two girls walked by, coyly smiling at Jared.  He smiled back at them and Jensen rolled his eyes, "Stop looking at those girls, they're just flirting with you!"

 

"What? I was just being polite, damn," Jared said as he shook his head, "Jensen, I don't think this is a good idea. What will your parents say? How are you even going to support yourself while you are out there? Tom and I, we've been planning this for a while now. We’ve been saving up to do this."

 

"Don’t worry about me. I will be fine," Jensen said as Jared uncrossed his arms and put his hands in his pockets, looking around before he looked back at Jensen, "I just want to follow my dream, just like you guys. Shouldn’t I?"

 

"I thought you were already doing that by going to Stanford," Jared said as Jensen sighed, closing his eyes for a second, then looking at him.

 

"Well, I’m not. That’s what everybody else wants for me. It’s not what I want, Jared, not entirely. Just talk to Tom," Jensen whispered as Jared stared back at him, “Please?”

 

_______________________________

 

Later that night, Jensen sat at the chair that was in the corner of his room and looked at the picture of Jared in the yearbook. That was when he heard a tap at his window. He crawled out of the chair, walking up to the window and pushed the curtains back to see Tom standing here, telling him to let the window up. Jensen told him to hang on a second and walked over, closing the yearbook before running back to the window and lifting it up.

 

"What are you doing here?" Jensen asked as Tom put his left leg through the window, climbed in and almost fell.  
"I figured you might still be awake," Tom said as Jensen nodded his head and looked back down at the yearbook, "I just got home," Tom said as he walked up to Jensen's bed and sat down, "I talked to Jared and -"

 

"No, right?" Jensen asked as he sat down on the bed beside Tom, "Well at least I tried."

 

"Why do you want go?" Tom asked as Jensen froze. He took a deep breath and looked at his best friend, "Because Jared is going too?"

 

"I…I don't know what you're talking about. I just want to follow my dreams and -"

 

"Then maybe you should go to Stanford."

 

"Tom, I don't want to go to Stanford," Jensen whispered and rolled his eyes, "You know I love music and I love you guys and -"

 

"You love Jared -"

 

"I didn't say that!"

 

"Jensen! Come on man! I've known you since we were both in diapers. Don't you think I’d know if you are in love?"

 

What was up with all his friends, figuring out his feelings? Did that mean that Jared knew how he felt as well?

 

"He's not thinking about you that way bro, trust me. He is as straight as an arrow."

 

"I know that and it's okay. I don't care. This might be my only chance to chase my dreams," Jensen said as Tom looked at him and then looked back down at the ground, "I can help you guys out. I've helped you enough with your performances to know how the business works. I've watched all these specials on TV. I've read all of these books about things like this. You need me to go with you."

 

"You have to promise something," Tom said as he looked back at Jensen, "Promise me that you're not doing this to be around Jared." Jensen rolled his eyes. "I just don't want to see you get hurt, buddy. What are you going to do if he meets some girl up there?"

 

"I'm not going to do anything stupid, Tom. I know he doesn't like me like that and that boy is so clueless he has no idea I like him that way. You know this is my dream. I just want to go there and chase my dreams, you know? And I want to be there when you finally get a record deal. You know I'm your biggest fan."

 

"Alright, then it's a deal," Tom whispered as Jensen started to smile, "But just be careful with the whole Jared thing, OK? Who knows? Maybe one day he'll see you in another light."

 

"Maybe, but I'm not getting my hopes up," Jensen whispered as Tom smiled.

 

"Maybe you'll move up there and you'll meet some nice guy," Tom said as he paused and Jensen looked at him, "that I approve of and be happy,"

 

"You sound like my mother, man!" Jensen said as they both laughed, "When are we moving?"

 

 "In two days. Dude! How are you going to break the news to your mom?"

 

That was going to be the tough thing.

_______________________________

 

Jensen sat in his room, looking around. He still could not believe that they were going to be out of town the next morning. He just sat there, contemplating things over and over, worrying about the outcome. He felt like he was going to get sick any minute from being paranoid and from his nerves. He could feel his hands shaking.

 

His family had shocked him when they agreed to let him move away with his friends. He honestly expected them to put up a huge fight, and they had, but in the end they just wished him luck and gave him their blessing. Tom's parents were fine with him moving to Nashville too. Jared's parents were another story. They refused to help him financially if he went. He was upset and Tom was upset and of course Jensen was upset. He thought maybe Tom would change his mind and stay for a while hoping against hope that Jared's parents would come around, but Jared told them that he wanted to go anyway, despite his parents' wish.

 

So they were finally moving away. It was his first time away from home, to Nashville, to follow his dreams and it scared the living hell out of him.

 

He jumped as the phone started to ring.

 

"Hello?"

 

"Hey Jensen."

 

"Jared? What are you doing up? It's pretty late," Jensen said as he heard Jared sigh.

 

"Couldn't sleep," He heard Jared say, "Tom is already asleep."

 

After Jared's fight with his parents, Tom had invited him to stay with him until they were ready to move to Nashville. Jensen climbed up his bed and leant against the bedhead, looking around his room.

 

 "My room looks weird. It's empty."

 

"I know. Most of my most important things are out in the moving truck," Jared whispered.

 

"Why can't you sleep, Jared?"

 

"Nervous, I guess. It's a big deal, you know."

 

"Are you worried you’re not going to make it and be successful?"

 

"Yeah, everybody knows about our plans and they are going to expect us to make something of ourselves, but what if we don't? I don't want to come back here and be called a failure, especially by my parents."

 

"You aren't a failure, Jared. You are a great singer. You actually have a voice and you can play instruments. You're not going to come back here as a failure because I won't let you," Jensen said.

 

"Oh yeah? And how exactly are you going to do that?" Jensen could hear the smile in Jared's voice.

 

"Because I'm going to make sure that we all make something of ourselves and make our dreams come true."

 

"How?"

 

"I just have faith in you…in us," Jensen paused, waiting for Jared's response. He was afraid he had pushed it too far, had gone too far.

 

_Oh shit! Why can't I keep my mouth shut?_

 

When he never didn’t hear Jared's response he decided to go on, "Do you remember what I told you when you performed in the local competition?" When Jared still did not speak, Jensen took a deep breath and whispered, "You don't remember, do you?"

 

"I do," Jared finally broke the silence, "You told me not to worry about what everybody else thought and to go out there and put everything I have into the performance and that I'd win." Jensen smiled as he heard Jared's voice, "And I won."

 

"I can't believe you remembered that," Jensen said as Jared started to laugh, "See, you need that kind of encouragement in Nashville to push you along. Now aren't you glad that I'm going?" Jensen asked as Jared started to laugh even more.

 

"If I become famous I'll let everybody know that it was because of you, bro," Jared said as Jensen smiled, leaning his head against the bedhead, "You know we should talk like this more often."

 

"Yeah, we should." Jensen said as he closed his eyes.

 

"You're going to make some man very happy one day, you know that?"

 

"I am?" Jensen said surprised.

 

"Absolutely," Jared said, "You realize tomorrow that we're out on our own?" Jared asked as Jensen nodded his head a little although Jared couldn’t see him.

 

"We're not high school students anymore, we're adults."

 

"Promise me something,"

 

"Okay. What?"

 

"I want you to promise not to let me become distracted when we get settled in there," Jared said.

 

"Distracted how?"

 

"Going out, girls, stuff like that. You know how Tom is, he's all about the partying and girls but I'm going there for a reason. So, I want you to keep me in line," Jared said as Jensen nodded his head again, "Will you?"

 

"I'll try."

 

"Good. I need to get going, I guess," Jared said, "See you in the morning, buddy?"

 

"Yeah, See ya in the morning," Jensen whispered as he hung up the phone. He just lay there, thinking about their little conversation. He would not have a problem with helping him stay away from girls. He did not have a problem with that, not at all.  
  



	3. Leap of Faith - Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> AU /  Everybody has a dream. Some people make their dreams come true. Some just let their life slip by thinking about it.

"Jensen!" Tom yelled as Jensen walked out of his room with newspaper in his hand, "Jensen!" He walked into the kitchen to see Jared and Tom standing there, trying to cook, "Jensen, help!"

 

 

"And what exactly are you trying to do here?" Jensen asked as he walked over, taking a spoon away from Tom and pushed him out of the kitchen and took a pot holder away from Jared and pushed him away as well.

 

 

“We were hungry and there is hardly any food in here,” Jared said sheepishly.

 

 

 "Tell me what you guys want to eat and I'll cook it."

 

"Just some simple spaghetti," Tom yelled back into the kitchen.

 

It had been two weeks since they had moved to Nashville. When the three boys had finally got to the city, they had bought a newspaper and started looking around at some apartments and luckily enough, after just two nights of staying at a hotel, they found a perfect place with three bedrooms, which were pretty small, but at the same time, pretty cheap. They moved in immediately. The best part for Jensen was the fact that his room was next to Jared's.

 

In the past fourteen days since they had moved to Nashville, Jensen had noticed a change in Jared. He was talking to Jensen a lot more and on a deeper level. Some nights, they would just sit up until two o'clock in the kitchen talking about their lives and their plans while Tom was snoring in his sleep. What Jensen loved more was the fact that they would just sat there talking about all that while Jared had nothing on but his boxers. Jensen loved his new life. Absolutely.

 

Jensen walked over to the cabinet to take a jar of spaghetti sauce and pack of cheese, only to find the cabinet empty. He turned off the stove and walked out of the kitchen and into the living room where the guys were, sitting on the sofa. Jared was on the phone, so he looked at Tom.

 

"We need spaghetti sauce and a pack of cheese."

 

"What are you looking at me for then?"

 

"Because you are going to the store and get them for me if you want to eat anytime soon."

 

"Fine! I was planning to go out anyway. I'll be back later," Tom said as he walked over to the door, leaving the apartment.

 

Jensen sighed and walked over, sitting down in a chair beside the sofa and looked at the TV.

 

"I was talking to my sister," Jared said as he hung up the phone. Jensen looked over at him.

 

"Megan? Is everything OK?" Jensen asked as Jared nodded his head, "That's good. She's probably lonely, hm?"

 

"Yeah, she is," Jared said as he smiled, "Just missing me. I miss her a lot, you know."

 

 "I know you do," Jensen replied, "I was going through some ads in the newspaper. I think I am going to check them out this afternoon. Who knows? Maybe I can get a job somewhere."

 

"Yeah, me too. I've got a job interview tomorrow."

 

"That's great! You know, I was thinking the best thing for you guys to do right now is to make a demo of a few songs and send the demo to some record companies," Jensen said as Jared looked down, "But to do a demo, you've got to book studio time and musicians and all of that cost a few hundred dollars."

 

 "That's a great idea! We should do that, but…," Jared paused as he looked over at Jensen, "Jensen?"

 

"Yeah?"

 

"Can I tell you something?"

 

"Sure."

 

 "Tom is pissing me off. Every single night so far, he's gone out to a bar or club. He hasn't even tried looking for a job. You and I, at least we are doing something. You practically are the mother surrogate here and I have the job interview to look forward to, but what about Tom? He hasn't done crap yet. You and I are the only one trying to do something. He hasn't even talked about finding some guys for the band like he promised he would," Jared said as Jensen looked down at the floor, "I know he's your best friend and all and he's my buddy too, but -"

 

"Jared, you need to do what is best for you. I know Tom wants to become famous too but he's the type that would fall victim to all of those bad things inside the business. You, on the other hand, you actually want it, you are going to make it," Jensen said as he smiled, "and if Tom won't help you, then I will. We can book the studio and find some guys for the band. We will do it, I promise you."

 

"Well, we'd better not wait for Tom for that spaghetti sauce and the cheese," Jared said as he stood up from the sofa, "I'm going to run to the store real quick. I will be back soon."

 

Jared left the apartment and Jensen just sat there smiling, looking at the TV.

 

_______________________________

 

 

Jared walked into the apartment, tossing his keys over on a table and kicked his shoes off. He looked around the apartment to see that it was pretty quiet. He walked over, looking at the mail that their parents had forwarded to Nashville and smiled, seeing his copy of Country Weekly there on the table. He looked down the small hallway where his and Jensen's bedrooms were and began walking down it slowly and saw that Jensen’s bedroom door was cracked open. He walked in, pushing the door open and saw that the room was empty. He looked over, seeing a notepad on the bed and picked it up, looking at it.

 

 

_This can be a lonely town_  
By myself with a million people around  
Observing, preserving, and serving my own mind  
And curious at the things I've found 

_I'm alone but I'm not lonely_  
I'm with the only person that knows me  
I'm armed with my guitar and I'm armed  
With emotional scars  
And my journey is underway 

_I pulled into town yesterday but I think it’s time to go_  
I can't tell you where, because I don't know  
And I'm armed with my guitar and I'm armed  
With Emotional Scars  
And my journey is underway 

_At times I feel like I'm the only one who cares_  
But we've got troubles and we've all got pain  
We need to realize that we are all the same  
And we're armed with our guitars and we're armed  
With our emotional scars  
And our journey is underway* 

 

"Jared!" Jensen yelled as Jared turned around, seeing Jensen standing there with his hair wet and nothing on but a towel around his waist. Jensen looked down at Jared's hands to see that he was reading what he had written and then stared back at him, "What are you doing in here?"

 

"Did you write that?" Jared asked as he pointed at the notebook. Jensen just stood there, taking a deep breath and shook his head ‘no’.

 

 Jared stared at him, "I've never heard it before."

 

"Jared, I…I'm almost naked here. So can you…can you get out?" Jensen asked as Jared shook his head ‘no’, "Please!"

   
"I knew there was a real reason you wanted to come up here," Jared said as Jensen pressed his lips together, holding onto his towel, "You want your own career, don't you?"

 

 

"I don't know what you're talking about," Jensen said as he walked over, picking the notebook off of the bed and held it out of Jared’s reach.

 

"But you wrote that, didn't you?"

 

"Yeah, OK. I did."

   
"I knew it!" Jared said as Jensen rolled his eyes, feeling self conscience because he was still in a towel, "I just knew it. You're so damn quiet. I knew you were hiding something. I just knew it!" When Jensen did not say anything, Jared started talking again, "This is good, Jensen," Jared said as he walked closer to Jensen, taking the notebook from him, "Do you have anymore?"

 

"No!" Jensen said as he took the notebook back from Jared, "No, I don't."

 

"Jensen, don't lie to me," Jared said as Jensen looked away, "You don't have to show me if you don't want to. That’s OK. I respect that, but, you know, if you like to write, then maybe …maybe we could write together."

   
"Together?" Jensen asked as Jared nodded his head yes, "You write your own songs?"

   
"Well yeah, sometimes. We could kick some major ass together," Jared said as Jensen smiled, looking back at him.

 

"We could," Jensen whispered as he snapped out of it and shook his head a little, "Yeah, we could kick some ass writing together."

 

"OK, then it's settled. We're going to write together," Jared said as he looked down at Jensen again, "And put some clothes on."

   
"I would if you'd get out," Jensen said as Jared raised his eyebrows and turned around, walking out of the room. Jensen closed the door lightly and turned his back to it, leaning up against it. He took a deep breath and closed his eyes.

 

_That was close!_

 

 

"Jensen!"

 

Jensen jumped when he heard Jared's voice, calling his name. He turned around, cracking the door open to see him standing there, "Yeah?"

 

"I forgot to tell you something," Jared said as Jensen looked at him questionably, "I got the job!"

 

"That's great!" Jensen said as he smiled, "I've got a job too! I'll be out in a little bit. Then we can celebrate!"

 

"Okay," Jared said as Jensen closed the door, leaning against it again. He smiled and walked over to his closet.

 

_______________________________

 

"Jared?" Jensen asked as he opened the door to Jared's room a little bit later to see Jared sitting on his bed, his back against the bed head, clumsily stroking his guitar. Jensen walked in, shutting the door back behind him, "So what kind of job did you get?"

 

"I work at Wal-Mart,” Jared said as he put his guitar away, as Jensen walked over to the bed, sitting down on the edge of it. He looked over at Jared and started laughing, "Wal-Mart?" Jensen asked, looking over his shoulder at Jared, "Dude! If only the girls back at home knew that,-"

 

"Yeah, they'd laugh their asses off, so don't tell your mom or anyone back home," Jared said, "How about you? What's the job?"

 

"Well, I'm kind of going to work in the mail room of TNN."

 

"The Nashville Network?”

 

“That's the one.”

 

"Dude, I am so digging your job right now," Jared said which brought a smile to Jensen’s face.

 

“I thought once I settled in, I can ask people at the network about the best way to promote your work and,-”

 

Before Jensen had a chance to finish his sentence, they both heard a loud thud coming from the living room, followed by a loud barrage of Tom’s laughter.

 

"What the hell?" Jared asked as he looked at Jensen who looked over at the bedroom door. They both walked out of the room, looking into the living room to see Tom walk in with a young blond girl, both obviously drunk, "Uh God!"

   
"After you, baby," Tom said, as he opened the door to his bedroom and pushed the girl inside almost stumbling. He looked up and saw Jared and Jensen staring at him, "Oh, hey guys!"

 

"You're drunk," Jensen said as he walked over closer to Tom, "You have to be 21 to drink. How did you?-  
"

"Oh shut up," Tom said as he rolled his eyes, putting his hand out, "Give me a few dollars."

 

"No," Jared said as he stepped between Jensen and Tom, "We've been here almost a month and you haven't done nothing to help us out here!" Jared yelled as Tom looked over at Jensen and rolled his eyes, "Don't roll your eyes at him, at least he has a damn job and is trying to do something here."

 

"I'm trying to get a damn job, OK? I don't see you with a paycheck yet either," Tom said as he crossed his arms.

 

"And who is that?" Jensen asked as Tom started to smile, "Wait. Don’t say anything. I don't think I want to know!"

 

"Now don't you start with me Jenny," Tom said as Jared took a deep breath, trying not to get mad, "You're just jealous because you obviously don’t have what it takes to,-"

 

"Shut up Tom!” Jared shouted, "No one in his right mind would want to have anything to do with that in there," he said shaking his head, “You wouldn’t do either, if only you were a little bit sober!”

 

"Tom, just go in there and do whatever it is you're going to do. Just leave us alone," Jensen said as he walked through the living room, going into his room. Jared looked at Tom and turned around, following Jensen into his room and shut the door behind him, "I can't believe he brought some slut like that back here."

 

Jensen just shrugged, not trusting his voice enough to talk.

 

"He's starting to piss me off," Jared said as he sat back down on the bed next to Jensen, "If he doesn't start pulling his own weight around here, he should leave."

 

"Just give him some time. He will find a job," Jensen said, trying to calm Jared down. Even though he secretly agreed with Jared, he did not want to see them fighting, and that happened a lot lately and he hated it.

 

“How can you even defend him after what he just said to you?” Jared asked as Jensen shrugged his shoulders again, "He expects you to cook all the time. You are not his mother. I mean he can order a pizza or something."

 

“It’s OK, Jared. I don’t mind. I said I would help with cooking when I first decided to come with you guys and that’s what I am going to do.”

 

"Stupid dumbass," Jared said as he shook his head, "You are too good to be his friend."

 

“He is a nice guy, Jared. He gets reckless sometimes, but deep down, he is a good person.”

 

Jared decided to let it go, at least for a little while. He just hoped that Tom would get his head out of his ass and get back on track. Jensen did not deserve to be treated like that. No one did.

 

"What's that?" Jared asked, picking a folder on the nightstand.

 

"Songs I wrote," Jensen whispered, "You said you wanted to read them. Just…read them later, OK?"

 

"Okay," Jared said as he looked down at the folder and then back up at Jensen, "Do me a favor.”

 

“What?”

 

“When I get famous, don’t you ever tell anyone that I once worked in Wall-Mart, OK?"

 

That made Jensen laugh and brought a smile on Jared’s face.

 

"At least you have a job, that's what's important," Jensen said as he crossed his arms, looking at Jared.

 

"Jensen….Are you sure it's okay if I see these?”

 

"I'm sure. I think you should see them," Jensen whispered as Jared smiled and stood up, walking over to the door, "Just let me know what you think."

 

"I will, don't worry," Jared whispered, walking out of the door and closed it behind him. Jensen took a deep breath and closed his eyes.

 

Tom’s snide remarks and crude comments were getting to him. Those words hurt him real bad, and the fact that it had come from his supposed to be best friend only increased the pain. At least Jared had been there to stop Tom from going any further. Jared. He could not believe that he had given Jared a folder full of songs he had written for the past ten years. There were songs about love, lust, romance, life, and secrets in that folder. They had never, ever left him before. Nobody else even knew about his writing habits.  The mere thought that Jared was probably reading the lyrics at that exact moment made him shiver.

 

Jensen just hoped Jared would not realize some of those songs were about him.

 

_______________________________

 

Jensen never left his room that night. He laid there in bed and stared at the ceiling. He did not want to face Tom or his little friend he had brought home anymore. The fact that Jared was in the room next door reading his poems was not much of help either.

 

He rolled over to his stomach as the door squeaked a little. Jensen lifted his head a little to see Jared walking in and shutting the door back lightly, carrying the folder. 

 

“Jared?” Jensen whispered as he turned and turned on the lamp on the nightstand, “What’s wrong?”

 

"Nothing. I just finished reading this stuff," Jared whispered as he sat on the edge of the bed, "You really wrote all these?"

 

"Yeah, why?" Jensen whispered back as he rubbed his face, "God, can we talk about this tomorrow morning? It’s one a.m.!"

 

“Oh, okay," Jared said as he smiled and stood up, "Sorry. We're still going to try to write together, right? Are you still OK with that?"

 

"Sure," Jensen said as he struggled to keep his eyes open, "Can I go back to sleep now?"

 

"Yeah, I need to get to sleep too," Jared said and Jensen laid his head on his pillow, "Jensen?"

 

“God! Now what?” Jensen whined, which caused Jared to a laugh softly.

 

“What you wrote…it was good.”

 

"Thanks," Jensen whispered as Jared smiled, turning around and walked over to the door.  He opened it up and turned around, “G’Night Jensen,” he whispered and walked out of it slowly.

 

Jensen just cuddled up to his fluffy, soft pillow, suddenly not very sleepy anymore. Jared had a nice way of making him smile and laugh, and feel good about himself even when he felt so horrible and so completely sick and ready to give up on the world. Tom used to be like that too. He was not always the total asshole that he was that night. Jensen was beginning to miss the friendship he and Tom used to have between them. At least Jared was there for him when Tom could not anymore. It was one more thing about Jared that made Jensen fall for him, deeper and more.

 

 

 

 

_* Lyrics from Jason Manns - Journey_

 

 

 

 


	4. Leap of Faith - Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> AU /  Everybody has a dream. Some people make their dreams come true. Some just let their life slip by thinking about it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> None of this would be possible and readable without my awesome beta,[](http://bigj52.livejournal.com/profile)[bigj52](http://bigj52.livejournal.com/). I learn from you everyday.

“I swear you're the best cook there," Jared said as Jensen and Jared both sat at the kitchen table, having dinner, "You need to become a chef or something. You could open up your own restaurant."

"That's okay. I don't like cooking that much," Jensen said as Jared started to laugh, taking a sip of his drink. Jensen stood up, picked up his dishes and took them over to the sink.

“Are you finished?” Jared asked.

“Yeah,” Jensen replied absentmindedly as he started washing his plate.

“But you barely ate anything,” Jared said as he stood up and walked up to the sink, “Is everything alright?”

Jensen washed his hands and dried them with a paper towel, “Tom is kinda late, don’t you think? I tried calling him earlier but he didn’t answer his phone.”

“Tom always comes home late these days, Jensen. I’m sure he is fine.”

The sound of the phone ringing brought them both to the living room. Jensen got to the phone first.

"Hello?" Jensen asked as he looked at Jared.

"Hey, Jensen," Tom said as Jensen sighed in relief. At least he was alive.

"Tom? Where are you?" Jensen asked when there was silence on the line, "Tom?"

"I’m-," Tom said as he paused, "- I'm sort of in trouble.”

“What? Tom, what happened? Where are you?

“At the police station."

"Police station? Why are you at the police station, Tom?" Jensen asked as he crossed his arms, looking at Jared who just stood there next to him shaking his head, obviously starting to get mad and upset, "Tom? What happened buddy?"

"There was a fight and I sort of was involved, -"

"A fight? Where?"

"At this bar, -"

"For God’s sake, Tom! What happened? Are you OK?"

"Just come and get me. Please. Hurry up!" Tom said before hanging up.

“What happened?” Jared asked when Jensen put the receiver back on the cradle.

“Tom got arrested.”

“For what?”

“Apparently he has been involved in a fight. I have to go get him.”

"Don't go," Jared said as Jensen looked at him surprised, "If he's dumb enough to get arrested, he can spend the night in there," Jared said as he walked up to the sofa and sat down.

“We can’t just leave him there, Jared. He is our friend,” Jensen said as he took his keys and shouldered his jacket.

"I swear to God if he got arrested and in real trouble, I'm going to kill him," Jared said as he stood up and followed Jensen out of the apartment. "This is what I was talking about the other night. He doesn't even try to do anything right."

"Should we call his parents?" Jensen said as Jared looked over at him, "What if he is hurt or something?"

"I’m going to call his mom."

"OK. Let’s just make sure he is OK first. God, I don't think I've ever been in a police station before."

"Yeah well, you're all too innocent," Jared said as he winked at him. Jensen looked at him questionably and then started to laugh.

They walked into the police station and walked up to the counter to be greeted by a short tired-looking woman. "We were called to pick someone up."

"Name?" the woman asked.

"Tom Welling," Jared said as he looked at Jensen.

"That's him," the woman said as she pointed behind Jensen and Jared. They turned around to see Tom, looking pretty beaten up, with a cast on his leg and sitting on a wheelchair.

"Jesus, Tom!" Jensen almost yelled as he rushed to his best friend, "Are you OK?" Tom nodded as Jared approached them with a stern look on his face, "What happened?"

"I was at this bar, chitchatting with one of the dancers when a guy showed up and started hitting on her and telling her she should go home with him. She stepped to my side, put her arm around me and said, ‘I’m with him.’ He said a few words, then I said a few words but then he just sort of shut up and went away. I was on my way out of the bar when the guy showed up, pushed me from behind. The next thing I know the bouncers were pushing us out the door. Once we were tossed out, the guy jumped on me again and started banging my head up against the pavement and I was knocked out. Then I woke up in the emergency room."

"So what were you arrested for?" Jared hissed from between his teeth.

"I wasn’t arrested, just brought here for some questioning," Tom mumbled as an officer walked by, "Is it OK for me to go home, officer?" Jared looked briefly at Jensen as the officer shook his head, "Not yet Mr. Welling. You have to come with me."

"Great," Tom mumbled as the officer pushed his wheelchair towards a room.

"I'm going to go call his mom," Jared said as Jensen nodded, staring at the room Tom had disappeared into.

Tom was really beat up and Jensen was worried to death. He knew Tom would get really mad if he found out they were calling his parents, but they had not even been there a month and he was already getting into trouble. Calling his parents was the best thing for them to do.

 

_______________________________

Tom's parents took the next available flight up to Nashville. They stayed for a couple of days and decided to make Tom go home with them for at least a few weeks. Tom was so mad at both Jensen and Jared, but Jared believed that calling the Wellings had been the most responsible thing to do. He believed Tom needed someone to straighten him out. Jensen felt sick in the pit of his stomach just thinking about the new situation. Part of it was excitement. He was going to be alone in the apartment for a few weeks with the guy he was in love with. That was going to be too good. The other part was guilt. His best friend was seriously hurt and was going to leave Nashville with his parents in the morning.

Jensen sighed and walked out of his room and over to Tom's room. He opened the door up slowly. Tom was lying in bed, awake and watching ESPN.

"Hey buddy," Tom said as Jensen walked in, shutting the door behind him, "What are you doing up?"

"Couldn't sleep," Jensen whispered as he walked into the room, sitting down on the edge of the bed, looking at Tom, "I heard you're going back with your parents."

"Yeah, they want me home. I tried _everything_ in the book of ' _How to Sweet Talk your Parents_ ', but they are just not buying it. They won't let me stay," Tom said as he looked away, "I guess I'm not as tough as I like to believe I am, hmmm?"

"Nope, you're not. Not next to a thirty-something year old guy," Jensen whispered as he looked back at the TV, "I'm sorry Tom."

"Yeah, me too," Tom said as Jensen looked back at him, "So, it's going to be you and Jared for a while, hmmm?"

"Yeah, looks like."

"Just be careful, Jensen," Tom said as Jensen snorted, "I'm serious. Be careful."

"Tom, I'm not going to try anything with him. I'm just going to try to help him, that's all," Jensen said as Tom stared back at the TV, "But the more I'm around him, the more I fall in love with him."

"It's never going to happen, bro and you know it," Tom whispered as Jensen looked down.

"I know."

"You're my best friend; you've been my best friend since I knew what a friend was. I just don't want you to get hurt."

"Yeah, I understand that, and thank you, really," Jensen said as he looked down again and sighed, "I never wanted things to be like this, Tom. I wanted to do this with you. What happened to us?"

"I've seen you two lately and you're acting secretive. You're always talking or in your rooms and you're doing things together. I felt left out. I felt like there was no room for me anymore," Tom said softly as Jensen looked back up at him, "If I didn't know any better, I would have thought you two were,-"

"Writing songs," Jensen whispered as he looked away, "We've been writing together."

"You showed your songs to him?" Tom asked, surprised.

"No. I had left my notebook on my bed one night and he saw it. So I let him read all of my lyrics and he loved them. The sad thing is, some of them are about him and he doesn’t even know it. He wanted us to write together. There's no way that I could tell him ‘no’."

"Just promise me you will be careful while I'm gone?" Tom asked as Jensen nodded his head.

"I promise."

"Okay good," Tom said as Jensen stood up, leaning over to hug him lightly, "Sweet dreams, buddy."

"You too," Jensen whispered as he smiled, turning around to walk out of Tom's room.

He shut the door behind him, and walked back to his room, climbed over his bed and laid down. He rested his head on the pillow and closed his eyes. It was kind of sweet that Tom felt left out but then again it was kind of sad. He never actually meant for him to feel left out but he said that he did. Jensen was just glad that Tom was okay and did not get hurt any worse than he had. If something had happened to Tom, Jensen did not know what he would do, because even though Tom was getting on his nerves lately with his irresponsible behavior he loved Tom like his own brother. Tom just tried to act tough and he was not mature enough to handle living on his own, not yet. He was just going to miss his best friend.

_______________________________

 

It had been a week since Tom had left with his parents. Jared sat in his bedroom that afternoon. He was on the floor, sitting Indian style, and leaning up against the foot of his bed, his acoustic guitar in his lap. Jensen was not home from work yet and Jared had decided to make use of the quiet time and try to work on some songs.

"Jared!" Jensen yelled as he ran into the apartment, throwing his jacket onto the sofa, "Jared!"

Jared looked up to see Jensen rushing into his room, holding a piece of paper.

"Do you know what this is?" Jared shook his head ‘no’, wondering what Jensen was talking about. "It's a flyer about a talent show. They are going to be auditioning people and then they are picking a winner over the next few weeks and that winner is going to be signed up for a record deal, Jared! You've gotta do this!" Jensen said, without taking a breath. Jared wanted to laugh because he seemed so excited about it.

"Really?" Jared asked as he reached up, placing his guitar on his bed. He took the paper from Jensen and began reading it, "Where did you get this?"

"From one of the guys at the office. I told him about you the other day so he brought me this today," Jensen exclaimed as Jared looked at him, "This is your chance to actually do it. You’ve won a competition before. You are good at it. You can do this, Jared," Jensen said, practically jumping up and down in front of Jared.

"Are you sure it's legit?"

"Yeah, I am 100% sure."

"Then how come we haven’t heard about it before?"

"My colleague said they're not publicising it on the radio stations so we wouln’t have heard about it."

"Damn, so it's legit," Jared said softly as he looked down at the flyer again, "Then we'll do it."

"We?" Jensen asked, sounding confused.

"I can't do this alone Jensen. You know that. You have to be there with me," Jared said as Jensen smiled.

"I'll be there, Jared. I'll write with you and I'll support you." Jensen said and patted Jared on his back, "I'm going to go cook, okay? You go back and practice some more."

"Okay," Jared said as Jensen smiled and walked to the kitchen. He was so excited that he did not know what to cook. Things were finally going somewhere for Jared and he promised himself he would do all he could to help Jared win the talent show.

_______________________________

Jensen sat there that night on the sofa next to Jared as they watched the news on TV. It was going on eleven o'clock and Jared had rehearsed so much that night that the neighbors came over and told them to keep it down.

"Jared?"

"Yeah?"

"Are you nervous about tomorrow?" Jensen asked as Jared turned his head away from the TV, looking at him as he smiled, mouthing the words 'Yes'.  
"Me too."

"I didn't even thank you," Jared whispered as Jensen looked at him quizzically.

"For what?"  
"Everything. Thank you for believing in me and helping me make my dream come true," Jared said as he looked away from Jensen and stared at TV, "And...."

"And?"  
"Jensen," Jared whispered, "I want us to make a promise to one another."

"Okay," Jensen whispered, becoming almost scared of what Jared was going to say since he was acting so weird, "I promise."

"When this happens for me, for us tomorrow, I want our friendship to stay exactly the same, whether I win or lose tomorrow, OK? Nothing is going to mess things up between us or ruin our friendship, OK?” Jared asked as Jensen started to smile.

"Dude, you are creeping me out," Jensen said as Jared started to laugh at himself, "But I promise that nothing will change between us.”

Jensen could not believe that the auditions were going to take place in the morning. This could be Jared’s one shot. It was his shot at everything that Jared wanted, at everything that he had ever wanted.

_____________________________

"God, I’m so nervous," Jared said the next day as they stood in line with hundreds of other hopefuls, waiting to get into the auditions for the competition. He looked down at his jeans and over at Jensen who looked back at him, "Dude, I look like crap!"

"Stop it, you look fine," Jensen said as he crossed his arms, leaning against the wall, "God, I'm nervous too," he said as Jared started to laugh at him. He turned his head, looking at Jared as he stopped laughing, "This is it, you know? I’m going to go in there and sing and then we have to make a decision."

"About what?" Jensen asked as Jared turned over, pressing his shoulder against the wall, looking down at Jensen.

"If I don't go in there and blow them away what are we going to do, Jensen? The best people in the music business are in there judging us. If they don't like me, then it’s a safe guess that I'll never get signed. What am I going to do then?" Jared asked as Jensen reached over, resting his hand on Jared’s arm, "Should I keep trying and look like a desperate fool or should I just go back home?"

"Home?" Jensen asked as Jared nodded his head 'Yes', "Do you really want to go home if this doesn't work?"

"I don’t want to go back home and face my parents telling me ‘we told you so’, but what else am I supposed to do? Do you have anything better in mind?" Jared asked as Jensen nodded his head at him, "What?"

"Jared, you're going to go in there and blow them away. They're going to be telling you that as soon as you hit the first note," Jensen said as Jared smiled, "If for some reason this doesn’t work out and you still want to go home, then fine, we will go home, but that's not going to happen -" he said as he was interrupted by a woman walking up to them.

"Excuse me, you're contestant 493?" the lady said as Jared nodded his head, "Jared Padalecki?"

"Yeah that's me, why?" Jared asked, looking over at Jensen who suddenly looked scared.

"You are going to be next. Follow me," she said as she smiled and started walking away. Jensen backed away from Jared.

"Good luck," Jensen whispered as he gave Jared a little smile. Jared turned around, following the woman as she began showing him back to the room. Jared turned around, looking at Jensen and crossed his fingers, grinning at him. Jensen stood there, leaning his back against the wall, holding his hands up to his face, praying for some sort of miracle. He knew Jared was going to need it.

_______________________________

Jensen looked at his watch for the hundredth time, taking a deep breath. Jared had been in there for too long.

"Jensen," Jared whispered as Jensen turned around, looking at him, "It's time to go."

"Jared...” Jensen said as Jared started walking away.

“Dammit!” Jensen whispered under his breath as he started running after Jared down the hallway until they reached the doors and started to walk outside, “Jared, what happened?”

" I got in," Jared said with a broad smile as Jensen stared back at him, "They told me that they loved my voice. I’m going to be in the finals!"

"You little shit!" Jensen exclaimed finally letting out the breath that he had not even noticed he was holding, “You got in?”

"Yes! I'm one of only four people in the competition!" Jared exclaimed.

“You’re going to be the star!"

"I'm not the star."

"Yeah you are. You're gonna win."

"You think so?"

"Of course! What did they say to you about the finals?"

"There will be one show. They'll disqualify three people and then they'll announce the winner. The winner gets the record deal."

"You're going to win Jared."

"I don't think so," Jared said as they got into the car Jared had borrowed from his colleague, "I'm going to go on there and make a fool of myself on national television, -"

"National TV?"

"It's gonna be on VH1."

"Holy shit!"

"Jensen, I can't do it," Jared whispered, suddenly not very sure of himself anymore and Jensen sighed, " I'm scared I'm going to get up on there and make a complete fool out of myself and I'll never be able to face anybody again and never go home.”

“You won’t make a fool of yourself, Jared.”

“Yes, I will. Let’s just go home.”

"Shut up Jared and listen to me! You own the stage when you are up there, OK? You take the crowd to a whole new level. You make the audience feel your music and your songs word for word. You are born to do this, Jared. You have to take part in this competition for your own future, okay?”

“Yeah, okay,” Jared whispered, speechless. Jensen certainly had the gift of saying the right thing at the right time.

“Good. Now let’s go.”

“Um, Where?”

“You are taking me out for lunch,” Jensen stated with a nod.

“Oh, is that so?” Jared asked with a hint of a smile in his voice.

“Yes. Putting up with you and all your crap takes up a lot of energy and now I am starving,” Jensen joked, “And you need to keep me around.”

“Oh and why is that?”

“Because I’m an awesome friend,” Jensen said as he put his sunglasses on.

Jared smiled as he started the car engine. That was not far from the truth. Not at all.  


 


	5. Leap of Faith - Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> AU /  Everybody has a dream. Some people make their dreams come true. Some just let their life slip by thinking about it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> None of this would be possible and readable without my awesome beta,[](http://bigj52.livejournal.com/profile)[bigj52](http://bigj52.livejournal.com/) . I learn from you everyday.

 

Jared stood there in front of the mirror in his bedroom, staring at his reflection. It was the competition night, the night he was supposed to sing live on VH1 and he was nervous as Hell. He had been so nervous he had not been able to even sleep the night before. He had kept Jensen up all night with him. The poor guy had gone to work that morning barely capable of keeping his eyes open.

 

Jared felt his eyes twitching a little. He looked down at his jeans and black t-shirt that he had on. The people at the audition had told him to dress casually because they would be offering wardrobe and even a hairstylist.

 

He knew that his family and the whole town were going to watch him on TV that night and that scared him even more. He had been so scared of screwing up at the competition he had practiced the day before, and all night long on a karaoke machine that they had in the living room, going over the two songs he was supposed to perform over and over, singing harder that he had in his entire life. He felt like he didn’t have the confidence he used to have back home to sing, let alone on national television. They were going to reject him and that would crush him. It would crush Jensen too. He had put so much faith in Jared and the competition.  Jensen was afraid that Jared would lose his voice singing all night long, but Jared had reassured him that he would not. Jared knew he would not. He had never lost his voice before in his life and he was sure it would not happen.

 

“Jared!” he heard Jensen call his name.

 

“In here!” he yelled back as he looked at himself in the mirror one more time.

 

"Are you ready to go to the studio?" Jensen asked, walking inside his room as Jared continued to stare at the mirror.

 

"Yeah," Jared said as he looked over at Jensen, "So they let you get off early?"

 

"No. They needed me to stay and I couldn’t, so they fired me," Jensen said as Jared stared back at him, "So I guess either you make it or we go back home. But I know you're going to make it and then I can get another job."

 

"You’re crazy," Jared whispered as Jensen walked over to him, patting Jared on his shoulder, "I'm petrified. I just know that I'm going to make an idiot of myself."

 

"You're not," Jensen said as he turned Jared around, putting his hands on Jared’s arms, "You're going to win. Stop thinking negatively and believe me, OK? You're going to get a record deal tonight."

 

"Okay," Jared whispered.

   
“You ready to go?"

 

"I'll never be ready, but yeah, let's go," Jared said and followed Jensen out of his bedroom, shutting the door behind him.

 

 _______________________________

Jared and Jensen walked up to the main door of the studio where a tall security guy asked for Jared’s name and some ID. He then told Jared to go through the doors and find a tall, blond guy who would help them.

 

Jared looked over at Jensen as they walked into the huge studio, studying  the walls which were covered by pictures.

 

"That's the guy you need to see, I think," Jensen said as a blond guy walked up to them.

 

"Hi there, you must be Jared," the man asked with a strong, southern accent. Jared nodded as he reached out and shook his hand, "And you are?"

 

"His friend, Jensen," Jensen said as they shook hands as well. Jared looked back at Jensen, smiling.

 

“I’m Ash; I'll be helping you get ready for the show tonight. Follow me,” Ash said as he turned around and started walking through the set while Jared and Jensen looked at each other and followed him.

 

“So Jensen, would you rather be in the back with your friend or do you want seats out front?" Ash asked as he looked at Jensen. Before Jensen got a chance to answer Ash, Jared started talking,

 

"He is going in the back with me."

 

Ash wrote something down. Jensen looked over at Jared and smiled. It felt good to be needed.

 

"Okay, Jensen, just relax out here. Jared and I are going to go out the back and go over a few details," Ash said, and started to walk off with Jared following him. He turned around quickly, tossing Jensen his phone and keys before going with Ash.

 

Jensen walked over, sitting down in a chair. He rested his elbows on his knees, holding Jared’s cell phone in his hands. He wished Tom could be there with them.

 

Jensen spent the next two hours standing outside in the hallway of the studios, watching people coming in and out of Jared’s dressing room. The guy was not even a star yet and he had his own dressing room. It was something Jensen planned to tease Jared about later. Jensen was nervous. He kept shaking, and was scared that Jared would be too nervous and mess up. He was nervous for both of them, and the collar of the shirt he had on was annoying the hell out of him. He looked over at a small TV screen, seeing one of the contestants singing and rolled his eyes. She was not even close to Jared.

 

"Jensen?"

 

He turned his head around to see Jared. He stood there wearing a black, sleeveless vest that was solid black down the right side and slashed leather down the left, showing off his muscular arms and giving tantalizing glimpses of his chest. Jensen was not quite sure what the pants were made of, but they were so devastatingly tight that he suspected Jared would need a crowbar to get him out of them.

 

‘People really need a license to wear something like that’, Jensen thought.

 

Jensen was speechless. Jared looked like a rock star, like he had just walked off the cover of a magazine. He looked like something that was probably every young girl's fantasy. He was definitely Jensen’s every fantasy.

 

"Jensen?"

 

"WOW!" Jensen said, looking down at Jared’s feet to see that he had on a pair of black boots. He moved his eyes back up until he reached his eyes and started to smile, "You look... wow."

 

"I'm OK?" Jared asked, holding his arms out beside him, "Are you sure?"

 

"You are more than okay," Jensen whispered as he held his right hand up to his face, rubbing his temples, "You look like a bad ass," he said as Jensen started to laugh.

 

“Is that a good thing?”

 

“Oh yeah! Chicks dig that.”

 

Jared had to duck his head to hide his half-embarrassed smile, laughing and scolding Jensen beneath his breath.

 

“So which song are you going to perform first?”

 

"The fast one first. Then we do the ballad and then they will announce the result after a short break," Jared said, "I'm ready to do this. You have no idea."

 

“I guess the outfit has done its’ trick, eh?”

 

"Jared, they're almost ready for you," Ash said as he walked up to them, "You'll need to come with me."

 

"Good luck, buddy," Jensen said as he half-hugged his friend, "Go  blow them away."

 

"OK," Jared said as he started walking down the hallway with Ash. Jensen stood there, crossing his arms nervously. He felt like he was going to throw up or pass out. He was not sure which, but he felt like he was going to explode he was so nervous.  
 

 _______________________________

_“Our next performer just graduated high school a few weeks ago and moved here to Nashville with his friends. He has won many local competitions and talent shows so let’s welcome him with a big round of applause. Here, performing Styx’s “Renegade” is eighteen-year-old Jared Padalecki, from San Antonio, Texas.”_

 

The lights went dim on the stage. Jensen’s heartbeat rose. The lights began to rise a little as Jared started to sing the opening verse to the song and then the music began to play.

 

Jared started working the stage like he normally did, moving around, and shaking his hips in tune with the music. He kept singing into the camera and winked into it once, causing Jensen to smile a little. Watching Jared come out to perform was like watching a stranger. He could not take his eyes off Jared no matter how hard he tried. Jared looked great up there and Jensen was fixed on his every move. The crowd was going nuts and Jensen could see why. Jared was a natural up there. His moves were hot enough to heat up the room and he looked like he was having the time of his life.

 _______________________________

 

Once the song ended, Jared walked through the backstage, trying to find his way back to the dressing room. He felt an urge to see Jensen which was strange. He turned a corner to see Jensen standing there, staring at him. Without giving it much thought, he walked towards Jensen, wrapping his arms around him. Surprised but elated, Jensen held him back tightly.

 

"I'm so fucking proud of you right now," Jensen whispered as they stopped hugging and Jensen looked at him, grinning, "I'm so fucking proud. I stood there watching you on that TV thinking ‘Holy shit, that's Jared. That's my friend. You were so incredible."

 

"The funny thing is, once I walked on that stage I wasn't nervous at all," Jared said with such enthusiasm as Jensen smiled at him, "I was overwhelmed with such peace that I can't even explain. I just felt so at home up there, you know? Listen, I need to go and get ready for the next performance because they're moving pretty quickly and I need to change."

 

"Okay, go get 'em," Jensen whispered as Jared smiled, walking into his dressing room. Jensen just stood there smiling to himself. He _knew_ Jared was going to make it after this. He had gotten his confidence back. He felt the phone in his pocket vibrate and reached down in his pocket, pulling out Jared’s cell phone and answering it, "Hello?"

 

"Jensen?" Jared’s mom asked as Jensen started to smile, walking down the hallway so that he could get better reception, “Is that you?”

 

“Mrs. Padalecki, hi. Yes, it’s me.”

 

"We just saw Jared on TV. He sounded so good. I never knew he could sing like that."

 

"He's going to win. I just know it," Jensen said as he started to laugh, "With the next song he's going to kill them all."

 

"Jensen, Jared’s father wants to know how long until he sings his next song?" Ms. Padalecki asked and Jensen smiled even more. Jared’s father was watching the show. Things were going to be good between them again. Nothing would make Jared happier. He had never talked about them since they had left home, but Jensen knew that Jared missed his family terribly.

 

"Hmm, probably another thirty minutes or so.  Trust me, he'll call home as soon as he's done. He's in there changing his outfit for the next song."

 

"Okay,” Mrs Padalecki said and then paused, “Jensen?”

 

“Yes, ma’am?”

 

“Just…just tell him that we love him, OK?"

 

"I will. He misses you all so much. I’ll make sure he calls you, OK? Bye," Jensen said as he turned the phone off and looked around, smiling even more. He stood there, leaning up against the wall, holding the cell phone up to his chin, thinking about how happy Jared was going to be once he told him his mom had called.

 

Life was becoming too good.

 _______________________________

 

_And next, singing a song originally written and performed by Elton John, here is our next Texan contestant, Jared Padalecki!_

 

The lights went down. The music began to play, and as the lights came up Jared appeared on the stage, wearing a black leather jacket with dark jeans and began singing “Don't Let the Sun Go Down on Me”. Jensen watched him from his quiet corner at the side of the stage as Jared took the microphone from the stand, walking around the stage. The crowd jumped to its feet as he started to sing the bridge of the song. Jared’s stage presence was one that could not be denied.  Jensen could not help but study Jared’s profile as his lips moved and brought Jensen to ecstasy. Not for the first time during that night, Jensen had to remind himself, where he was.

 

As Jared started to end the song, the audience got up on their feet again, applauding him. He stood there smiling at everybody before he ran off stage with a final bow in Jensen’s direction. Jensen was right there waiting for him. He smiled at Jared and winked.

 

"You were great, man."  Jensen said, patting Jared on the back.

 

"Thanks, I felt good, man.  I was feeling the crowd and I know they were feeling me," Jared said, taking a look over his shoulder and consequently into the crowd. The crowd was chanting his name. They had accepted Jared and Jensen knew it was the matter of minutes until the judges announced Jared’s name as the winner.

 

 _______________________________

 

"Jared?”

 

Jared heard his name called by one of the judges. He nervously walked onto the stage in front of the judges and the audience. Jensen could practically hear his heart beat pounding in his ears. His mouth was suddenly dry.

 

“I have to say we were all very impressed with your performances tonight,” the first judge said.

 

“You know how to move around on the stage and how to interact with your audience,” said the second judge.

 

“Jared?”

 

“Yes?” Jared nervously said to the last judge.

 

“You just won yourself a record deal!”

 

Jared had won the competition and the crowd went wild!

 

 "I won!" Jared yelled as the most beautiful smile Jensen had ever seen in his life appeared on Jared’s face. Jared turned around looking at the direction he knew Jensen was standing, "We did it!"

 

Jared felt so good about himself. He walked into his dressing room after the show finished to change back into his old jeans and T-shirt. He finally knew he could _really_ sing and he knew he had talent. He always thought that he did, but deep down, he always questioned it. Even when Jensen had told him that he had a fantastic voice he did not believe it. The way he dressed that night, the way he had people around him doing his hair and make-up, he felt important for once in his life, like he was actually someone who mattered and he loved it. He loved it all.

 

 _______________________________

 

Jensen and Jared walked into their apartment later that night, and Jared was talking a mile a minute. After the show some guy named Matt Perkins from _Mercury Records_ came down to Jared’s dressing room and invited him to the Mercury office the next day. Mercury Records happened to be Babyface’s label, who happened to be Jared’s hero.  That set Jared off and he had not stopped talking since.

 

“- I might even meet Kenneth tomorrow, and -" Jared said as Jensen dropped himself on the sofa and groaned. Jared paused, looking at Jensen, and stopped talking, "Jensen, what's wrong? Aren't you happy?"

 

"Of course I'm happy, I'm just tired," Jensen said as he started to laugh a little, "You hardly let me sleep last night and then all of this tonight, it's overwhelming -"

 

"I'm the one that's going to have to do all the work," Jared said as he sat down beside Jensen on the sofa and smiled, "It's the start of our whole new life, you know?"

 

"I know," Jensen said as he looked over at Jared, "I'm glad you decided to enter this competition."

 

"It just feels so surreal," Jared said as Jensen nodded his head in agreement, understanding his friend, "Ash was telling me tonight that I should probably start thinking about a new stage name for myself, you know?"

 

"What are you talking about?"

 

"Jared Pad-a-lecki. It’s a hard name to pronounce, let alone remember, you know?"

 

“What do you want to change it to?” Jensen asked as he looked at the blank TV screen.

 

“I don’t know yet. We have to think of something,” Jared said and then paused, “Everything seems like a dream, you know?”

 

“Yeah, a very good one.”

 

"Yeah, I keep waiting for my mom to come and wake me up for school or something" Jared said as he paused, "Oh god, I totally forgot to call mom!"

 

"Go call her!" Jensen said excitingly as Jared jumped over him, grabbing the phone. Jensen laughed, watching Jared as he dialed the number and jumped off the sofa.

 

"Mom!" Jared yelled into the phone as Mrs. Padalecki answered the phone, "I won! I was offered a deal from Mercury Records tonight! I'm going to be on the same label as Babyface!"

 

Jensen laughed a little as he watched Jared, pacing back and forth in the living room, talking to his mother with more excitement then he had ever seen. Jensen sat there thinking about all the things Jared was going to be doing over the next few days. He did not want Jared to change his name. He loved Jared’s name so much. Jared was acting like a totally different person ever since they left the studio building. Maybe it was the fact that he was so well accepted that night and people loved him. Maybe it was the fact that he was on Cloud Nine. Jensen was just scared Jared was going to change once his lifestyle changed. He did not want that to happen and he was going to make sure that it didn’t.

 


	6. Leap of Faith - Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> AU / Everybody has a dream. Some people make their dreams come true. Some just let their life slip by thinking about it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> None of this would be possible and readable without my awesome beta, [](http://bigj52.livejournal.com/profile)[bigj52](http://bigj52.livejournal.com/). I learn from you everyday.

Jensen waited for what seemed like forever for Jared to get ready. It took Jensen twenty minutes to shower and get dressed, while Jared took an hour and a half. His hair was never perfect enough or his outfit was a little too casual and he had to change into something else. He even made Jensen change the T-shirt he had on and wear a polo shirt instead. Finally, once Jensen swore that Jared looked perfect and that they really needed to leave or else they would be late and that would not make a very good first impression, Jared was finally ready to leave.

 

They arrived at Mercury Records where strangely enough everybody knew who Jared was, which surprised both him and Jensen. They were sent to a conference room where Matt Perkins, along with the executives and Mike Bone, the president of Mercury Records, along with a lawyer called Mr. Walton were sitting at a long table, waiting for them to arrive. It scared Jared. Jensen could sense that Jared was getting nervous, so he tried his best to do most of the talking for his friend. Jared just sat there during the meeting, wondering where Jensen’s business sense came from. He knew Jensen had done a lot of reading and research about the music industry, so he blamed it on that. Jensen sounded so natural and at ease talking to some of the biggest names in the music industry.

 

Andrew Coven, the president of Mercury Record’s office in Nashville, presented Jared with a two-album contract. Jensen later explained to him that it meant that Jared would have to release two albums under the Mercury Records label within the next three and a half years. After that, if things were still good and both parties were still satisfied, they would sign another contract for more albums. Matt Perkins stated that the record company wanted Jared to release a single before Jared’s newly-found celebrity status from the show the night before faded away. They could work on recording the first album afterwards.

 

They wanted Jared to go in the next day, if he agreed to sign the deal, of course, to set up studio time. After deciding on a song to record it would be shipped out to every radio station throughout America as fast as possible. Jensen did not like the sound of this; everything was moving too fast and they were not being given the chance to think things over. But he looked over at Jared who looked happy and willing to do it so Jensen said nothing.

 

They brought up the name-changing issue again. To Jensen’s surprise, Jared told them he wanted to keep it because that was who he really was. So they asked Jared to consider going by “J.T.”, the initials of his first and middle name. Jared paused and looked over at Jensen, who shrugged and told Jared it was his decision. They convinced Jared that it would just be a stage name that he would be known by.

 

That was when Jensen decided to voice his opinion. He told these people that everybody knew him as Jared Padalecki; that was the name he was introduced with during the talent show the night before; it would be confusing if he went off and changed his name. Finally Jared decided to side with Jensen and said that he would like to keep his name the way it was. Jensen sighed in relief and looked over at Jared and smiled as Jared signed his name on the contract. Jared was officially the newest artist on Mercury Records.

 

Matt Perkins called in a photographer so everybody could have a picture taken together. Jensen decided to stand back. He did not feel like he belonged to that crowd. He was not really involved in the business side of things. Jared finally made him come over and stand beside him. As Jared stood there and waited for the photographer to take their picture, he could not help but thinking he was standing where Babyface had once stood. That brought a broad smile to his face. After the picture was taken, Jared was introduced to Donna Wright from Wright Management Company, who had a decade of experience with managing different artists. They stood there talking about what Jared’s schedule would be like the next day and some ideas that Donna had for Jared’s career path, talking about how Jared would need a good publicist very soon. Jared was beaming, thinking that he had finally made it.

 

All Jensen could think as he stood in a corner, watching his friend interacting with different people from the record company without acknowledging him even once, was that Jared was changing right before his eyes.

 

_______________________________

 

Jared was officially a recording artist for Mercury Records and he was happy. He had never been this happy before in his life. Although he had always dreamed about being where he was, he had never thought that it would come true. He felt an independence that he had never felt before.

 

He felt absolutely confident about himself and his life. He felt as if he could do anything and be whoever he wished to be. The people around him, whether in the management company, at the record label or his band that he had finally met that day, were making him feel as if he was the best artist ever born; that he was number one at what he did and that nobody could outshine him. Jared believed all that. He believed he was a rock star.

 

That was why he decided to get a tattoo as soon as he saw the tattoos on his bass player’s arms. It was a spur of the moment decision. Jared had always wanted to get a tattoo like that, so when Rick, the bass player, offered to take him to meet his friend who had done his tattoo, Jared went with him. He ended up with the whole state of Texas tattooed on his left arm. It was perfect and Jared loved it, but there was one problem.

 

When he came home that night and showed the tattoo to Jensen, Jensen did not like it. He didn’t complain about not liking the tattoo itself, but when Jared mentioned he had the tattoo done in the living room of Rick’s friend and not a shop, Jensen went ballistic. Jensen told him it was very irresponsible and careless of him to act like that, because he could be exposed to HIV or some skin infection. Jensen’s words hurt Jared because he had been so excited about the tattoo. Jensen had not sounded mean or rude, but it was obvious that he was not happy about Jared’s behavior. Their talk led to their first argument and they did not talk for the rest of the night. Jared spent that night in his room.

 

Jared lay in his bed, thinking about his fight with Jensen. Jared felt like Jensen was acting so differently towards him since he had signed that record deal and it scared Jared a little. If Jared did not know any better, he would assume Jensen was just jealous, but he knew that was not the issue. He just wished that Jensen would tell him what the problem was, but Jensen would not talk.

 

That worried Jared.

 

_______________________________

 

 

Jared sat in the studio, listening to the song that was going to be his first single that would be released. The recording was a great experience. The producers that sat around him in the room were talking about how good the song was. The song was called "Stay with me", one of the songs that Jared had written by himself. One of the producers helped him write the accompanying music for it. Donna had told him that it would be good for a new artist to release a song that he’d written himself as a first single.

 

"Jared, I think we are done here. The song is ready," Harry, one of the engineers in the studio, said. Jared looked at him and smiled, looking back over at Matt Perkins who was in the studio with him.

 

"Then I will take it over to Mercury’s office", Matt said as he stood up.

 

"Matt. Do you mind if I tag along? I have an appointment with Kevin today at four," Jared said looking up at Mike.

 

"Sure. Let's go," Matt said as they both walked out of the recording studio, "Is something bothering you, Jared?"

 

"Yeah, Jensen -"

 

"Who?"

 

"My buddy you met at the talent show," Jared said, crossing his arms over his chest. He was not sure talking about Jensen with Matt was such a great idea.

 

"Let's talk about it on the way there," Matt said as they both started to walk toward Matt's car.

 

"Jared, getting used to the lifestyle of an artist is not that easy," Matt began as they got into the car and he started the engine. "It's a rule in the music business with new artists that you have to put your career before a personal life. Sometimes it is hard to strike a balance between your career and your personal life. Sometimes it's hard to make your friends and family understand what you are actually going through," Jared looked over, staring at him blankly.

 

"What do you mean?" Jared asked.

 

"The work is so all-consuming at the beginning that usually your loved ones feel ignored." Matt stated and Jared looked at him again. "I've seen it too many times. You have to go after what's more important. If you want to put all of your energy into your relationships, then your career will fail."

 

Jared sighed and looked out of the window at the ever-changing scenery, "They're both important to me and I want both of them."

 

"Well, sometimes you might have to choose," Matt said as he reached over, patting Jared on the back. "Your friends and family might still be there tomorrow, your career might not."

 

Jared was quiet for the rest of the trip, thinking about what Matt said. He knew Matt was wrong. He refused to believe any of it. He knew he could have both if he wanted both. Jensen had been there for him since they had moved to Tennessee. Their friendship was going strong despite their little argument. That was what he needed the most, his family and his friends. He smiled, thinking about Jensen. He could not wait to tell Jensen he had finally recorded one of their songs.

 

_______________________________

 

Jensen sat at the kitchen table that night, staring at the dinner he had made, still untouched. He thought Jared would be home earlier and they could have dinner together. Jared was not home yet. Before leaving for the studio that morning he told Jensen he wanted to hang out with him that night. Jared had not even called to say he would be home late. Jensen was not going to call him either. That morning when he called Jared on his cell phone, Jared bit his head off for interrupting a meeting. He was not doing it anymore, although he was sure Jared was not in any meeting, not at 11 p.m.

 

Jared had changed somewhere over the course of the past week or so. Jensen had noticed it the first night of the competition when they came home. Now that he had a record deal, it was really showing. Everything was different about him: his style, his attitude, and then he gotten a tattoo. The one thing that bothered Jensen the most was that he felt like Jared did not want Jensen around.

 

He was dragged out of his thoughts when he heard Jared walking in. He looked a little tipsy. That was so unlike Jared to drink on work nights.

 

"Hey, you're finally home? I thought we were hanging out together tonight," Jensen said as he stood up. He walked into the living room, putting his hands on his hips and looking at Jared, "Are you drunk?"

 

“What do you think about moving?" Jared asked while toeing his shoes off, totally ignoring Jensen's question.

 

"Moving? Where?" Jensen asked with a confused look on his face. "Why should we move?"

 

"I think this place is too big for us. It has three bedrooms. We don't need that," Jared replied as he walked into the living room and sat down.

 

"But we have no money to move."

 

"Yes we do," Jared said as he pulled out a credit card from his shirt pocket, "The record company gave this to me today."

 

"Jared, that is only going to get you into debt," Jensen said as he walked over to Jared and reached over, taking the credit card out of Jared’s hand.

 

“What? Why?”

 

"You have no money yet. I think you need to wait until you make some profit for them. That way, if they decide to drop you one day, you will be safe. You’ll have your own money."

 

That made sense to Jared. Jensen had a point.

 

“Well…I hadn’t thought about that,” Jared finally admitted as he looked up at Jensen, "Well, they're not going to drop me anyway. I finished the song today. They're rushing it to press and sending it out to radio. So let's just be happy and celebrate, OK?"

 

“I am happy, Jared. You know that. I just think you need to start thinking realistically here," Jensen said as he gave the credit card back to Jared.

 

"I just want us to have something better. That's all. It's no big deal. I'm not talking about going off and buying a mansion or something," Jared tried to reason with Jensen as he put his long legs on the table, "Plus Patrick thinks it's a good idea for me to get a little condo in a better part of town and closer to work."

 

"Who is Patrick?" Jensen asked, confused.

 

"The new publicist. He took me out for a drink tonight. You've got to meet him, Jensen, he is so cool!" said Jared enthusiastically.

 

“Well, how am I supposed to meet him when you don't want me around?"

 

"What??"

 

"Do you really want me around Jared?” Jensen asked as he turned around and saw the stern look on Jared’s face, “I’m not trying to pick a fight here. I swear I am not. I just want to know where my place is in all this.”

 

“What do you mean?”

 

"I have this feeling that you don’t want me around anymore," Jensen said as he sat down, looking straight into Jared’s eyes. "Especially today. You practically bit my head off when I called you today. What was so important about today?"

 

"It's nothing."

 

"We promised each other, Jared. We promised that everything will stay the same between us, no matter what," Jensen whispered as Jared looked away, “We never lied to each other before. So let’s not start now, OK?” Jared sighed and looked back at Jensen.

 

"We were recording my first song," Jared finally said. Jensen held his mouth open in shock as Jared turned away.

 

"You recorded your first song?" Jensen asked, "I thought we were going to write your first song together."

 

"Things change, Jensen, -"

 

"Yeah," Jensen said, as he licked his lips and rolled his eyes. "A lot of things change."

 

"What is that supposed to mean?"

 

"Why didn't you just tell me you were going to record your first song today?" Jensen asked, looking up at Jared. "Why didn't you just tell me that you didn’t want to write with me anymore?"

 

"I didn't want to hurt you."

 

"Well, this hurts more," Jensen said. He stood up, and started to walk into his room but turned around. He glared at Jared as he crossed his arms, looking away. "Why don’t you want to write with me anymore?"

 

"Jesus, Jensen. Stop being such a drama queen! I never said that."

 

“You don't have to!” Jensen almost yelled and Jared looked away, "What's up with you, man? This past week Jared, things haven't been the same. You haven't been the same."

 

"Why? Because I went and got a tattoo? Or is it because we didn’t get a chance to hang out together tonight? I've been working my ass off all day long, Jensen! I spent the whole day in the recording studio, going over the song!" Jared yelled, causing Jensen to roll his eyes. "Then I had to do these photo shoots and try to understand business stuff that I'm new to. I'm so damn tired right now I can't think straight."

 

"Not too tired to go out with Patrick for a drink, though," Jensen muttered. He leaned up against the wall, staring at Jared.

 

"I finished recording my very first fucking song tonight! So excuse me if I was a little bit excited about that and wanted to celebrate!" Jared muttered indignantly. He stormed into his bedroom, and slammed the door.

 

Jensen walked over to the sofa, and sat down. He leaned his head back, thinking about Jared. He thought of the things they had both said. Maybe he was being too hard on Jared. Maybe he had taken the promise he had made to Jared a while back about keeping him in line a little too seriously. He just could not help it. Jared was not acting like himself anymore. No matter what, Jensen still loved him.

 

That's what he kept reminding himself.

 

 

 


	7. Leap of Faith- Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> AU / Everybody has a dream. Some people make their dreams come true. Some just let their life slip by thinking about it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> None of this would be possible and readable without my awesome beta, [](http://bigj52.livejournal.com/profile)[bigj52](http://bigj52.livejournal.com/) . I learn from you everyday.

 

Jensen drove home in his new truck from work, listening to the local radio station. Brian McKnight's latest single was about to play on the radio when a familiar tune came on. He smiled, knowing who it was. It was Jared. "Stay with Me" had become a hit song soon after its release.

 

Jared had been performing at some of the music festivals across Tennessee and, in the next few weeks he was going to be the opening act for Boyz II Men. He had been busy rehearsing with his band and doing interviews with magazines and radio stations. He was also writing and recording for his first album in the coming week.

 

To put it in a nutshell, he was busy.

 

Jensen had been busy too. Apart from giving a hand as an assistant to Jared’s entourage whenever he was around, he had finally found himself a steady job in a local newspaper office as a copy editor. The salary was good enough and he was making new friends and new connections. He had a four-page story in hand that night that had barely made it to the deadline. He was exhausted and all he could think about was his big, soft bed.

 

_That was Jared Padalecki with "Stay with Me" at Number 3. Can he break into the Number 1 spot next week?_

 

"Number 1," Jensen whispered to himself. He pulled into the parking lot, still not believing this was actually happening. It had all happened so fast. He pulled into a parking space and practically jumped out of his car. He couldn't wait until he was snuggled up in his bed. He felt like his body would give way any minute now.

 

He opened the door to the apartment and his jaw dropped in shock. The house looked like a nuclear bomb had gone off. The place was packed with people, half-full glasses and snacks scattered everywhere.

 

There stood Jared in the middle of the crowd, deep in conversation with Matt Perkins, with a girl on each arm. Jared chose that moment to look over and see Jensen. He smiled and waved at Jensen excitedly. Jensen waved back, but was not too sure who he was waving to.

 

Jensen stood there, thinking about the Jared he knew before all of this mess; before the media attention; before the fame, when Jared was just like everyone else; when he had time for his friends and his family; when he had time for Jensen. They used to be the best of friends. Jensen still thought of Jared as his best friend but no one would have ever guessed by the way Jared's whole entourage, his manager, his publicist and the like treated Jensen. It was as if Jensen was nothing but a stranger. Jensen had been wondering lately whether he should just move out of the apartment and start his own life.

 

"Jensen, come here! Look at this, man, number three on the charts. What did I tell you?" Matt shouted over the crowd at Jensen as he spotted him, motioning for him to join the gang, "I knew you could do it. That single was destined for gold."

 

"Yeah, it's the break I've been waiting for, man. Those kids are going to eat it up."

 

And Jensen knew they would. Not only was Jared’s voice the smoothest there was out there, his face and body were enough to propel sales of his single into platinum status in only five months.

 

"Yes, they will. What those girls won't do to get a piece of Jared Padalecki," Jensen turned to see Patrick, Jared’s publicist walking towards them.

 

"I hope so. I just hope media critics won’t be too harsh on me."

 

"Jensen, why don't you make yourself useful and order dinner for everyone? Jared hasn’t had dinner yet. What do you want, Jared?"

 

"I'm not all that hungry, Patrick."

 

"Well, I am. Here's a fifty, find out what everyone else wants."

 

"Anything else?" Jensen asked in his most annoyed tone, something that seemed lost on Jared.

 

"Yeah, adjust that tone. You don't have to do this job if you don’t want to. A lot of guys would love to be in your position, so don't think you're irreplaceable." Patrick growled.

 

This time Jared did look up.

 

"Lay off, Patrick!"

 

"What! He thinks he can come in here and do any fucking thing he wants."

 

Jared pulled him down and whispered something into his ear that made him get angrier but instead of lashing out, he walked to the other side of the room, joining the dancer’s little circle.

 

"He's just under a lot of pressure these days, Jensen. He doesn’t mean that."

 

"I should go order the dinner. I don't want to keep the guys waiting, you know?"

 

"He didn't mean it like that, Jensen."

 

"Whatever you say, Jared, whatever you say."

 

_______________________________

 

 

Jensen had finally been able to go to bed when he walked the last of guests left out of the apartment. He was reading an article on Jared and his single when his telephone rang.

 

"Hello?"

 

"Hey there, baby. Been missing me?"

 

Jensen was immediately turned on by that voice.

 

"I just saw you in the office tonight before heading out, Chris. So I'm sorry but I don't miss you all that much just yet," Jensen teased. He could actually see Chris pouting at the other end of the line, "What’s up? It's after twelve. Is everything alright?"

 

"Just wanted to call my favorite person in the world and find out how he was doing."

 

Jensen had met Chris at the newspaper office. Chris was the Sports Editor of the magazine, and Jensen had felt attracted to him since the first moment he had laid eyes on Chris. The guy was gorgeous with sexy blue eyes and the body of a god. The best part for Jensen was the fact that Chris was gay as well, and had been flirting with Jensen non-stop since the moment they had met. Jensen was still not very sure whether Chris was actually interested in him or he was just fooling around. He liked Chris though, so he had been flirting with him as well.

 

"Yeah, I just called to find out if...and promise you won't get mad."

 

"What is it, Chris? Just tell me."

 

"I just wanted to know if you could get me an autographed copy of Jared’s CD. It's my niece’s birthday next week and she is a huge fan. I know Jared's your best friend in the world and I know you can do this small favor for your boyfriend. Please?"

 

"Boyfriend? Chris, you are not my boyfriend."

 

"Well, I can be."

 

Jensen was at a loss for words. Was Chris actually serious? Or was it simply innocent flirting? Jensen could not be sure, at least not until he could talk to Chris face to face, so he decided to ignore Chris and change the subject.

 

"And what makes you think that I can just walk up to him and get an autographed CD for you? Don't you know that I'm just a simple assistant?"

 

"Bullshit, Jensen and you know it. You're practically his right-hand man and for the record, I think you make a much better publicist than that jerk he has working for him now."

 

"Thanks."

 

"You're welcome. Does this mean you'll do this for me?"

 

"Can I ever turn you down, Chris?"

 

"I guess not,” Chris replied with a chuckle, “I'll call you tomorrow. Sweet dreams, lover."

 

Jensen hung up the phone with a smile. Maybe, just maybe, things were starting to go his way, at least when it came to Chris.

 

_______________________________

 

"We got you ‘ _MTV's Up, Close and Persona_ _l_ ’ interview and of course VH1, but I think you should go with the MTV one."

 

Jensen’s ears perked up as he listened to Patrick.

 

"Didn't we just do something with them two weeks ago?" asked Jared.

 

"Yeah, but they want another one. You're hot stuff now Jared and they want you; plus they're willing to pay almost twice as much as VH1 and I'm sure I can get them to pay you even more."

 

"I don't know, Patrick. I don’t like their questions. They make me uncomfortable. "

 

Patrick sighed.

 

“MTV has been supporting you since Day One, Jared. I think you owe them that much."

 

"I don’t owe anyone anything!"

 

"All I’m saying is that you need to remember who got you to where you are today.”

 

“Look, Patrick. I don’t like MTV all that much, OK? Their questions are always shallow and they're too nosey about my personal life. I prefer VH1. Hell, I am even willing to do an interview with BET. Anything but MTV.”

 

Jensen looked over at Jared. They had just talked about music channels the other night over dinner, and Jensen had mentioned to Jared that maybe it was time for him to enhance his fan base to the more mature music listeners. If he remembered correctly, he had even mentioned BET once or twice.

 

"BET? I guess I know where that idea has come from,” Patrick growled as he turned to glare at Jensen.

 

"You got something to say man, say it!" Jared shouted, walking up to Patrick. Johnny, one of Jared’s managers, stepped between them and headed off any fight that was about to take place.

 

"Boys! Be nice! This is not the time and place for this shit right now, Patrick. We got a show in less than twelve hours and we're not even half there yet." And any thoughts of a fight were squashed right there and then.

 

Patrick walked out the door, slamming it behind him and Jared walked towards Jensen.

 

"Hey! You OK?" Jared whispered.

 

"Yeah, why wouldn't I be?"

 

"You know… all that crap Patrick said." And even though Jensen was hurt, he didn’t plan on letting Jared know. Since the beginning of this whole mess Jensen was trying desperately to prove to Jared’s entourage that he could handle his fame and new lifestyle. And admitting that Patrick’s words had been like a knife in his heart would further prove to them that he did not belong.

 

"I'm cool, Jared. Half the shit that comes out of his mouth I don't even hear."

 

"Good. I don't know what I would do if I had to choose." And before Jensen had a chance to ask Jared 'choose between what', Jared had walked away from him, picking up where he had left off.

 

_______________________________

 

Jensen decided to stay through the show and as always was blown away by Jared’s talent. Jared sure had a way with the audience and they sure had a way of going wild just by watching Jared’s wiggling hips on stage. Jensen could have sworn that he had seen a young lady throw her underwear on the stage.

 

Jensen suddenly wished that Chris was there by his side. Suddenly he yearned to have Chris beside him, touching him, making him feel wanted and secure. Jensen knew deep down that he wanted Chris there to replace his unreciprocated feelings for Jared because finally he had come to terms with the fact that Jared would never feel the same for him. Jensen also knew that if things were to continue like that, sooner or later, he would act on his feelings and do something stupid that would push Jared away. Then he would lose Jared’s friendship, and that was not something Jensen thought he could ever handle.

 

The first part of the show was over. Jared was backstage trying to change clothes, freshen up and grab a bite to eat all at the same time.

 

"Jensen? What happened to that sandwich I asked for half an hour ago?" Patrick almost shouted at Jensen, causing the room to get quiet and everyone's attention turn to Jensen.

 

Jensen was embarrassed as Hell and tried to keep his blushing down to a minimum. He was not used to so much attention. In fact, he preferred to be invisible as much as he possibly could.

 

"I ordered it. Maybe the delivery is stuck in traffic. You know how it is this hour of the night, Patrick."

 

"Yeah, I know, but apparently you don’t, or you would have done something about it by now. Jared is going back on stage in fifteen minutes and he has no goddamn food in his stomach. You should have ordered that food sooner if you knew about the traffic."

 

Jensen decided that he was not going to waste his time and grace Patrick with an answer. He looked over at Jared who sat on the edge of a table listening to the exchange between them and not saying a word. That attitude annoyed Jensen no end. One minute Jared was all ready to fight in Jensen’s defense; the next, he acted as just a bystander while his best friend was getting insulted by his publicist. Jensen could not understand how Jared could compromise their friendship like that. It forced Jensen to reconsider his decision. He was not sure he could take more of that shit for too much longer. Either Jared should change his attitude and his priorities, or Jensen would walk out of his life.

 

_______________________________

 

"You were great, man,” Johnny, his manager said, patting Jared on the back as he walked backstage.

 

"Thanks, Johnny."

 

“You sold out tonight, completely sold out. We even had ‘Brandy’ in the house tonight."

 

"Now wouldn't you like to fuck that girl?" Patrick chided in and Jared just nodded.

 

It was another thing that was changing about Jared and Jensen hated it. Jared’s attitude towards women had changed. Jensen remembered how Jared used to hold a certain respect for ladies especially since he had had a very close relationship with his mom and sister. He used to be such a gentleman, opening doors for the ladies and pulling their chairs out for them at restaurants. Hanging out with Patrick had changed that in him. Jensen was sure a scandal was coming Jared’s way, soon and fast, unless he changed his attitude.

 

"The other night, I swear I saw a girl trying to bribe one of the stage staff just to let her in the back door with the hope of blowing you."

 

Jared laughed at that and asked Patrick what had happened to the girl.

 

"I guess she got busy with somebody else," He replied making lewd motions with his mid section. Jensen was about to throw up just by watching him.

 

"You wouldn't know anything about something like that now, would you Jensen?"

 

Jensen hated how Patrick pronounced his name. He just hated the guy, period.

 

"I guess not."

 

"Not with being a faggot and all..."

 

"Hey Patrick, lay off!"

 

"What, Jared? I'm just calling it as it is. I would reconsider having him as my roommate if I were you. You never know, he might end up blowing you in your sleep."

 

"Weren’t you supposed to prepare the press release about the tour?" Jared barked. His eyes were dangerously dark and full of rage.

 

Patrick held up his hands in defense and began laughing, walking in the direction of the door. When he was out of sight and earshot, Jared apologized.

 

"Forget it!" Jensen yelled, highly annoyed.

 

"You need to chill, Jensen. The guys don't like a grumpy person around. Sometimes I think that you purposely try to separate yourself from the group."

 

"First off Jared, I don't want your entourage to like me. These so-called friends of yours, they don’t give a fuck about you and what happens to you. They are just after your money and you know it. Secondly it's clear that my presence here is intruding on some sort of 'straight' code of honor or some shit like that. Thirdly, I don't need you or anyone else telling me what the fuck I need to do."

 

Jared just stared at Jensen, surprised. Soon enough his surprise turned into anger.

 

"You know what? I don't even know why I bother with your ass anymore. It's like ever since I’ve made it big, you have been jealous. Well, I'm not gonna let you or anyone else fuck with me. I worked hard for this and I'm not giving it up… for anybody."

 

"Well, don't bother with it any more. It's obvious that you are just too damn busy for your friends. Just remember who was there before you made it big; who stood beside you through all this; and who helped you make your dream come true!"

 

"Is this about money? Do you want your share or something?"

 

Jensen felt like he had been stabbed in the chest. For Jared to even suggest that he was after his money, that he was just another hanger-on hurt him deeply. It made all their years of friendship seem like it meant nothing.

 

"Forget it! I don't need this shit, I don't need this job and I don't need you!"

 

Jensen walked out, oblivious to the words that were following him.

 

 


	8. Leap of Faith - Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> AU / Everybody has a dream. Some people make their dreams come true. Some just let their life slip by thinking about it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> None of this would be possible and readable without my awesome beta, [](http://bigj52.livejournal.com/profile)[bigj52](http://bigj52.livejournal.com/) . I learn from you everyday.

Jensen sat at Chris’s kitchen table, aimlessly stirring his cup of coffee.

"You knew this was bound to happen, Jensen. You knew it, so why are you acting all surprised? You should have seen this coming. Remember how he managed to leave you off his Christmas party guest list at the Hilton this year?”

"I know, but..."

"But nothing, buddy. Stop making excuses for him. The Jared you knew back in Texas is gone. The Jared out there, he's a big star now, so he doesn't need you anymore. He's trading in your friendship for bigger and better things."

To hear his own thoughts for the past months spoken out loud made Jensen break down and cry.

Chris walked over to Jensen and rubbed his back and slung an arm around Jensen’s shoulders.

"It's OK, Jenny. You're going to be fine. You've got your family and your real friends, so forget him. Plus, he isn’t one of us, so he doesn’t know what it means to be insulted like that, so fuck him!"

"What the hell is that supposed to mean?"

"They don’t accept us because we’re gay. They think they are better than us. Well, two can play this game."

Jensen just sat there, thinking. He could not understand why people around him had to be so cruel to each other; why they couldn’t accept others for who they were. Jensen wondered if Chris was right and if he should play that game as well.

_______________________________

"I shouldn't have said what I said,” Jared’s voice seemed sincere enough to Jensen but his wound was still fresh, too fresh for him to dismiss it as anything but a phony apology.

"Well, you did."

"You know I wouldn't purposely say anything to hurt you, Jensen. You are my best friend; I don’t want to fuck that up."

Jensen still decided to play the blame game just to see how much he could get out of it and out of Jared.

"Why are you here, Jared?"

Jared ran his hands over his clean-shaven face and looked directly at Jensen, "Because I want you to come back home. I want you to come back to work for me. I need you there with me. We both earned this and we both deserve it."

Jared sounded so humble, so sorry, and so relentless, something Jensen had not seen in him for a very long time.

"I don't know if I can do that, Jared. Your friends don't want me around and I don't want to have to defend my sexuality to anyone, including them."

The edge to Jensen’s voice sobered Jared up. He suddenly sat up, looking alert and ready for action.

"It's nobody's business. If it doesn't bother me, it sure as hell shouldn't bother them and you being gay, it doesn't matter. The guys are just trying to push your buttons, see how far they can push you."

"I don't like being pushed Jared, you of all people should know that."

"I know, and I'm sorry. I'm trying here, man…please?"

Like Jensen could ever say ‘no’ to that face.

"I'll come back on one condition," Jensen finally said.

"Anything."

"I want Patrick out of the picture."

"What??"

"You heard me."

"Who is supposed to be my publicist then?"

"It's not like he has been doing a good job lately, Jared."

"Jensen,-"

"What?"

"I have a contract with him, Jensen. I can't fire him, not at least till the end of our contract, but I can make you my publicist as well."

Jensen contemplated that idea for a minute and finally agreed and that was how it went for months on end. Surprisingly Patrick and the rest of the gang started being nice to Jensen, even offering to take him out clubbing with them, even when Jared was not around. Jensen did not accept the offers, of course, since he was not really comfortable being around those people, until Patrick invited him over as a peace offering.

"You'll like it there," Patrick had said, "It's a pretty decent place and who knows? Maybe you’ll get lucky and meet a good-looking man or two."

Jensen had to confess that statement had quite surprised him.

"I know you don't like me all that much, Jensen. I guess I can't blame you. I just thought we should try and get along, at least for Jared’s sake. He doesn't need that animosity."

Jensen thought that maybe, just maybe he had misjudged Patrick. He decided to start things over with him, so he accepted his invitation to the club, and to his surprise he had a good time.

"You need a drink, Jensen?" Patrick had screamed over the loud music when they stepped off the dance floor.

Jensen shook his head 'no'.

"I'm going to go get a beer. Be right back."

"OK," Jensen mouthed and started looking around the club when Patrick was gone.

"Hey, gorgeous!"

Jensen looked up to see a tall, good-looking, blond guy towering over him, grinning like a fool.

"Can I buy you a drink?"

_You can buy me anything!_

"Um…yeah, sure."

The blond guy offered the beer in his hand and Jensen took it immediately.

"You're looking good tonight."

_Did I just hear that?_

"Thanks, so do you..."

"Nick."

"Jensen."

"Well, Jensen. I'm not going to beat around the bush. I’ve had my eyes on you since the moment you arrived. You are so fucking sexy and I want to take you out back and fuck your brains out. So what do you say to that?"

_Did he really just say what I think he just said?_

"Excuse me?" Jensen managed to say.

Nick leaned into Jensen and tongued his ear while whispering, "I want to fuck you."

All Jensen could manage at that point was a simple nod.

"Come on!" Nick said taking Jensen's hand, leading him out to the back alley.

Nick practically attacked Jensen as soon as they stepped out to the alley. He started to unbuckle Jensen's pants when Jensen finally understood what was going to happen and put his hand on Nick's, trying to stop him.

"Wait! I don't have a con…, -"

"Shh," Nick whispered, "It's OK. I've got it covered," and with that, he turned Jensen around facing the wall and quickly pulled his pants down around his ankles.

"This is from a mutual friend," Nick whispered just before penetration.

"Ohhh," was all Jensen managed to get out as he tried to adjust to the man behind him. To Jensen's utter shock and surprise, when Nick was over and done with him, he simply pulled out and rearranged his clothes, disposed of the condom then went inside, not even bothering to acknowledge Jensen. No kiss; no pat on the shoulder; not even a simple ‘thank you’. He was just gone.

_______________________________

Jensen felt all eyes were on him as he stepped out of their apartment that morning. He figured it was his paranoia kicking back in, so he ignored it. As he was about to walk into the arena where Jared was supposed to perform that night, Jared, Patrick, Donna, Johnny and Matt stepped out.

Jensen was not sure he understood the looks on their faces. He turned his head toward Jared who was suddenly very interested in the hem of his shirt.

"What's going on?" Jensen asked. No one answered, but instead Jared threw a newspaper which turned out to be the ‘National Enquirer’ at Jensen. To Jensen's utter shock, his face was plastered on the cover, along with someone who Jensen recognized as Nick, in the back alley of the club. It was not a very revealing picture, but it spoke louder than a thousand words. Jensen read the caption:

"Jared's Buddy and Publicist Caught in Homosexual Escapade with Convicted Rapist"  
"Jared, I..."

"Don't Jensen. Just…don't!"

"You have to do something about this, Jared and soon. The more you keep quiet about this, the more mayhem the media will make. You can't let this screw up your career, not when you're about to release your album in a few days," Patrick said.

"Jared, I didn't..."

"Think about your career, man. You're on top right now; don't let this pervert drag you down. Don't let his kind drag you down," That one had came from Matt. Johnny looked at Jensen, constantly shaking his head.

"I think Patrick is right, Jared. This is bad publicity. You have to do something about this. Do you really want to lose all your hard work… for this?" Johnny said, pointing to the article, although Jensen felt like Johnny was talking about him, not the article.

"Jared, please! Let me explain."

Jared's face was blank, something that confused and hurt Jensen. He hated not knowing what Jared was thinking, how he was feeling. He just wanted to strangle himself for his own stupidity.

"Johnny, do what you think is the best. I'm not going to fuck this up," Jared said, finally looking at Jensen, "For anybody."

Jensen was hurt beyond belief as he felt Jared's eyes cutting through him, like he wanted to kill Jensen, or at least hurt him real bad; maybe the way Jensen knew he had hurt Jared.

Before Jensen could say anything, Jared disappeared back into the arena.

"I'm sorry, Jensen," Donna finally said, "Maybe it's better if you just go. If Jared was ever your friend, just leave him alone, for now, for his sake and for yours. You don't want to ruin his career, do you?"

"Fine, I'll go, but let me tell you something. Those pictures didn't just magically appear there. Maybe you need to take a good look around," Jensen said before he walked away.

 


	9. Leap of Faith- Chapter 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> AU / Everybody has a dream. Some people make their dreams come true. Some just let their life slip by thinking about it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> None of this would be possible and readable without my awesome beta, [](http://bigj52.livejournal.com/profile)[bigj52](http://bigj52.livejournal.com/) . I learn from you everyday.

The days had turned into weeks, then months and eventually it had become six months since Jensen had walked out of Jared's life, for good. All the controversy and rumors over the article had slowly died down until no one even seemed to remember it anymore. Jensen knew he should be relieved now that the media were no longer in his face and he didn’t get hateful looks or cruel remarks wherever he went, but deep down inside, it hurt. It hurt so much that along with that fiasco, his friendship with Jared had slowly died as well, and that made Jensen feel hollow, empty, and lonely. He missed Jared. There was not a day that he did not think of him. He missed the bond and connection they used to share. He often wondered if Jared even remembered someone named Jensen Ackles ever existed in his life. He was quite sure Jared had forgotten him by now. After all, he had not even called, not once, not even for Jensen's birthday. All Jensen felt was a deep sense of betrayal and loss.

Of course, Jensen never blamed Jared for the article. He knew that Jared had absolutely nothing to do with it. What hurt him the most was the fact that Jared refused to listen to his side of story, and in return, he so willingly accepted that the article was the truth. For God's sake, since when had the ‘National Enquirer’ printed anything even remotely resembling the truth? Jared, of all people, should have known that. Jensen thought about the hell he went through at the beginning of Jared's career, adjusting himself and his habits around Jared's new lifestyle, putting Jared's feelings and needs ahead of his own, just for the sake of having Jared around and close, and what good had come of that? He had lost Jared anyway. So, he finally decided to live his own life, with or without Jared Padalecki. He had sworn to himself that he would get over Jared and he did…with Chris.

Jensen and Chris had started dating a while after the whole ‘National Enquirer’ fiasco. Chris had been right beside him through the whole mess, offering him a place to live when Jensen had finally moved out of the apartment he used to share with Jared, offering him an ear and a shoulder to cry on when Jensen was depressed and lonely, and offering him his heart when Jensen felt he was all alone.

That night marked their six months anniversary and Chris had taken Jensen to dinner at a romantic restaurant.

"We have to talk, Jensen." Chris finally spoke when they were finishing up with their dinner.

"About what?" Jensen nervously asked, looking up from his plate.

"About us."

Jensen's heart suddenly skipped a beat at hearing those words.

"About us?"

"Yeah. We've been seeing each other a while right?"

"Yeah, six months," Jensen said with a smile.

"So what do you think about it?"

"Um, I don't know Chris. I think it's good, what you and I have going."

"You do?" Chris sounded surprised.

"Yeah, of course. I think we have a solid relationship."

Chris looked at him for a while, as if he was thinking of what to say next.

"Jensen, I really, really like you…"

"I like you too, Chris."

"I just…," Chris paused and Jensen's heart sank, "Jensen, I don't think this is working."

"What?! But I thought….What's wrong, Chris? Did I do something?"

"God, no. Jensen, you're a nice guy. You are an amazing boyfriend, but…you're not what I'm looking for."

"Oh," was all Jensen could come up with. His mind was suddenly empty.

"I'm sorry, Jensen. I'm so sorry."

"What are you looking for, Chris?"

"I want someone that is like me, spontaneous and even wild, especially when it comes to sex, and that means I need someone that is the opposite of you."

"I can change…you know," Jensen whispered. He suddenly felt like his world had been turned upside down, like the air had been sucked out of his lungs. He thought everything was good between them. This was not supposed to happen. Not now. He needed Chris in his life. Chris could not just leave him now, not when he was finally beginning to shape a stable life after Jared.

"Jensen, please! Don't do this! You're a really great guy, a great friend. Don't change, not for anybody. "

"Why did you bring me to dinner then, Chris?" Jensen sensed the coldness in his voice, but at that point it was all he could manage to stop the tears falling down his cheeks.

"I don't know," Chris shrugged, "I just wanted to have one more night with you. I really tried, Jensen. I really did."

"I know."

"I'm sorry, Jensen. I know you probably hate my guts right now, and I don't blame you, but…I want us to remain friends."

"I…I'll spend the night at a hotel. I'll come for my stuff in the morning."

"Jensen, don't be ridiculous! I'm not tossing you out, not like that. You should stay, at least until you get your own place, OK?"

"I don't want to bother you, Chris."

"You won't. I don’t want this to get ugly between us, OK? You’re too important to me whether you believe it at this point or not. I'm serious when I say I want to remain your friend. You'll always have a place to stay at my house, whenever you need it, buddy"

Jensen was touched by the sincerity in Chris's gesture and took his words to heart. Maybe they could really remain friends after all, just like before.

_______________________________

"Danneel? Are you ready?"

Danneel was an up and coming country princess. Her debut album had sold five million copies worldwide. She was a sweet eighteen-year-old girl with an amazingly strong and pure voice. Jensen believed she was beautiful, smart and sexy. She reminded Jensen of Jared when he and Jared first moved to Tennessee.

Jensen knew Danneel from a local bar he used to go to, where she was an amateur performer, singing country songs every night. They had immediately clicked and became friends. To Danneel's surprise, an executive from MCA records had been in the audience one night and had seen her performance. She was soon offered a record deal. She was a star now, and she had kept Jensen around as her publicist since Day One.

"I've never met him, but I saw him live. That guy is a walking sex god, I swear. Does he have a girlfriend?" Danneel asked as she lazily thumbed the pages of the magazine she had on her lap.

"Who?" Jensen absentmindedly said without looking up from the paper in his hand.

 

"Jared!"

"He has lots of girlfriends, sweetheart," Jensen said with not much enthusiasm. He was not ready to talk to Danneel about Jared.

"God, what I wouldn't give to be able to sing a duet with him," Danneel said, looking over at Jensen, "I don't know why you ever left him, Jensen. I'm glad that you came to work for me, I do, but working for Jared must have been a dream."

"You'd be surprised," Jensen mumbled before handing Danneel the paper he had in his hand, "Here."

"What's that?"

"The questions you are supposed to answer in your interview with ‘People Magazine’. I went over them for you. They are reasonable."

"Oh God!" Danneel groaned, "I hate interviews."

"Well, you have to do it. They're waiting for you in the conference room. Go do it for your fans, gorgeous."

Danneel smiled and leaned in to kiss Jensen on the cheek, something that caught Jensen off guard.

"What was that for?"

"For being my friend. You're a great man, Jensen," and with that she got up, left the magazine with Jensen and walked out of the room.

Jensen picked the magazine up and looked at the page Danneel had left open, and Jared's face smiled at him. Apparently the picture was taken at Jared's Album Release Party. God, how he missed that gorgeous man!

_You don't need this, Jensen. Not now. Not now. Concentrate! Concentrate!_

Jensen was about to put the magazine away when something caught his eye and he froze. In the background of the photo with Jared stood a man that Jensen recognized as Patrick, deep in a heated conversation with a tall, blond man. Nick! Jensen felt a lump rise up in his throat. His palms were sweaty and he could hear the sound of his heartbeat pounding in his ears.

Could this whole thing be a set up? Was Patrick involved somehow?

With shaky hands, Jensen pulled his cell phone out of his pocket and dialed a number. Within less than a minute, he heard someone answering the phone.

"Hello?

"Donna?"

"Jensen, is that you?"

"Yeah. How are you?"

"Ah, don't ask. How have you been? The last I heard about you, you were working for Danneel."

"Yeah, still am, actually."

"Good, that's good. Look, I never apologized to you for the way things turned out between us. Personally I never wanted to let you go, but you know, at that moment, it was the right thing to do."

"I know, Donna. It's OK. I’m over it. I was just calling to see…Look, I saw Jared's picture in the latest issue of ‘People Magazine’ today, and wanted to ask you something."

"Yeah, I've seen the picture. What about it?"

"Who is that man Patrick is talking to in the background?"

"I think you know."

"So, it's him."

"Yes Jensen, It's him."

"Does Jared know?"

"I don’t know."

"What do you mean you don't know?"

"I'm not his manager anymore."

"What?"

"I thought you knew. He fired Johnny and me a little while after you left."

"Who is his manager now?"

"Patrick!"

"You gotta be kidding me!!"

"Wish I was," Donna replied with a sigh, "I thought you knew. Things got quite ugly between us. The news even hit the papers."

"No, I haven't had time to go through the papers. What did I miss?"

"The jerk talked Jared into suing us."

"What the hell? For what?"

"According to him, we were stealing twenty percent of the album sales."

"I can't believe that."

"Neither could I. Jared is a changed man, Jensen. I'm telling you. He even punched Johnny once."

"Jared? No way! I know that boy way better than anyone. He wouldn't even hurt a fly."

"That's what I thought too. I never considered Jared as a violent person."

"Did he get arrested for that?"

"No, Johnny refused to press any charges."

"I don’t know what to say, Donna. I really don't, except that I'm sorry."

"Me too kid, me too."

Jensen just sat there, phone in his hand, shocked and terrified. The Jared he knew did not have a mean bone in his body, so Jensen never expected to hear that Jared had been involved in a fight. Jared was a happy, easygoing man by nature. He loved music and always wanted to send out a positive message to his audience, or at least he did. Jensen remembered the promise he had made to Jared. He had promised Jared to not let him get distracted by going out, girls, and stuff like that. He had promised Jared that he would make sure that nothing would change their friendship and what they had between them, but that had been in the beginning, before the fame and fortune. Jensen never imagined that there would come a day when he would be ashamed to even call Jared his friend.

_______________________________

 

"You knew this was bound to happen, Jensen. Didn't you?" Chris asked as they sat down in the kitchen, eating dinner.

"Yeah, Danneel had mentioned it once or twice that she wants to sing a duet with him, but I never thought it would actually happen, you know. I'm not ready for it. What if I screw things up tomorrow at the press release? That will mess up Danneel's career. Oh God, what if someone asks about that article?"

"Calm the fuck down, Jensen. Do you honestly think someone would remember that shit?"

"Someone might."

"Jensen?"

"What?"

"This is about seeing Jared again after so long, isn’t it?"

"No!"

"Jensen!"

"Oh, fuck! OK! Yes! I'm fucking scared, OK?"

"Of what?"

"Of that son of a bitch! I don't know what to say or how to act."

"What do you mean?"

"I'm afraid I'll hate him, Chris."

"What? Why?"

"I don't know. What if what they say about him is true, Chris? What if he has really become the fucking asshole that everyone says he has become?"

"Jensen?"

"What?"

"Do me a favor."

"What?"

"Don't fucking lie to yourself, OK? You still care about the guy."

"No, I don't."

"Jensen!"

"I'm over him, Chris. He used me and then threw me away, and for what? Money! So, no, I don't care about him."

Chris knew Jensen was lying, trying to convince him and even himself that he was over Jared. He also knew one look at Jared's gorgeous face would be enough for Jensen to forget about all his reasoning. So he decided to let go of the matter. At least for a while.

Thinking about the whole situation for a while, made Chris laugh. Jensen shot his head up and glared at his friend like he was a lunatic.

"Oh, it's funny. You shove the guy out of the door, and he crawls back through the window. One way or another he is in your life."

The relationship between Jensen and Chris had not worked out, but Jensen found a confidante in Chris; someone that he could relate to; someone who knew and understood what Jensen was going through; someone that Jensen could joke around with, while at the same time be serious with when Jensen needed it. Chris was rapidly becoming for Jensen what Jared once was and Jensen was grateful to have Chris in his life. Chris had a way of making Jensen a part of his life. Even though Jensen was satisfied with being friends with Chris, he missed that intimacy that a relationship could provide. He missed being held, being cuddled and being comforted after lovemaking and the sweet nothings that usually followed. He missed having a pair of arms encircle him after the heat had gone down and it was just two lovers in an embrace. He missed it all. Of course with his busy schedule as Danneel's publicist, he knew he had no time to date but that didn't stop the longing, and even though he hated to admit it, he still thought about Jared. He still had feelings for the jackass and missed him like crazy and it hurt like hell.

_______________________________

 

"They should have been here by now, shouldn’t they?" Danneel asked, annoyed and somewhat angry, as they were all sitting in the hotel VIP room, waiting for Jared to show up for the press conference. The press was outside waiting for them to walk into the hall.

"Did you call his manager, Christy?" Jensen asked, turning to Danneel’s PR.

"Yes, he said they would be here."

Finally the doors opened and in walked Patrick, Matt and finally, Jared. Jared shot a cold glance in Jensen’s direction, without a hint of sympathy or friendliness and Jensen swore to himself that he would completely ignore Jared for the rest of the press conference.

"Sorry I’m late," Jared said as he walked to Leigh, Danneel’s manager, shaking her hand.

"Well, next time just call if you are going to be late. These people have places to go, you know?" Leigh said and Jensen smiled, knowing that Leigh was not the type of woman who would take any shit from anyone.

“You’re right. I’m sorry,” Jared said with a sheepish smile, “Hello Danneel. I'm Jared,” he said as he leant down and his lips grazed Danneel’s cheek.

"Nice to meet you, Jared. I am so excited to be working with you."

"Same here."

"So, let’s do this.”

"Yes, let the press in."

When the media was finally in and the reporters from every major newspaper and magazine across America had taken their places in the hall, Jared and Danneel finally walked in and started to answer the questions which were being thrown at them left and right. Jensen found an empty spot at the corner of the room, leant back against the wall and stared at Danneel.

"Danneel, have you and Jared recorded any songs yet?"

"Not yet, but I'm anxious to begin." Danneel answered as she turned to look at Jensen. He smiled at her, reassuring her that she was doing fine.

"Is there any truth to the rumor that you and Jared are dating?"

"I’ve only met the guy ten minutes ago for the first time, so…no."

"Is it coincidence that you both shared the same publicist at one point in time?"

Danneel paused, not knowing what to say.

"Totally coincidence. Next question please," Jared said instead.

"Jared? You have changed your publicist and then your manger in a short while. Is there something you want to say to your fans about that?"

"Not really. Things like that happen all the time in this business. Is there a question for either myself or Danneel about our collaboration efforts?"

"Yes. Danneel, do you think that Jared’s persona will in any way affect your album sales?"

"Meaning?"

"Well, you must have heard about his legal issues with his previous managers."

"Yes, and as you stated yourself, they are Jared’s issues, not mine. I don’t think it is going to affect me or the sales in any way. One last question please."

"Jared, you are more of an R and B artist, while Danneel is a country girl. What direction will your collaborations will take? R and B or country?"

"We are both music fans, whether it’s country or R and B or Rock. We are just performers, although I have to say Danneel is a great performer, maybe even better than I am. So, as long as it’s good music I personally don’t care about the genre. Thank you so much everyone for coming," Security men quickly ushered Danneel and Jared off the platform and through a side door that led into their private rooms.

"WOW, those people are relentless," Danneel said with a sigh of relief.

"Yeah, they are, but at least you are not being ignored by them," Jensen replied.

"I guess. Poor Jared though, they just won't leave him alone."

"Well, that's what you have to deal with when you're a celebrity."

"I guess but, - " Danneel started to say but paused, unsure whether to continue or not.

"What's the matter?"

"Jensen…do you think it's such a good idea for me to go along with this?"

"Yes, why? Because that idiot out there said those things?"

"Partially. I mean I want to be a positive role model to my audience, Jensen. I have young girls who listen to my music and I don't want to be a bad influence. Maybe I'm just being paranoid or something here, but Jared is surrounded by such a negative atmosphere and I don't want to get caught in any of that. Do I make any sense here?"

"Yes actually. Danneel, if you are not one hundred percent sure that you want to do this you can still call it off, OK? Don't do it if your heart is not in it, because it will show in your voice."

Danneel reached over and put her hand on Jensen's.

"You know Jared much better than I do. What do you think?"

Jensen took a moment to stare into Danneel's eyes. He saw the trust she had in him in those eyes and knew he could not lie to her. It was not right, but it was not right to talk badly about his former friend either.

"This is a good opportunity for you, Danneel. It will give you the chance to reach out to a broader fan base, and turn them into country music fans. Why don't just take your time and meet with Jared? Talk to him and see for yourself the type of man that he is. That way, you can decide whether you still want to work with him or not."

"That's a brilliant idea but I don't want to be anywhere near that freaky manager of his. He creeps me out."

"Don't worry. I'll go over and talk to the creepy guy for you," Jensen joked, "I'll see if I can set up a meeting with Jared for you."

Danneel smiled and reached over, giving Jensen a hug.

"Thank you. I trust you. I'll do what you think is right."

"You have to tell me if you're not comfortable being around any of them, OK?"

"OK. I will."

Jensen smiled and walked out of Danneel's room, cursing himself under his breath for his big mouth. He should have talked Leigh into setting a meeting up with Jared for Danneel. He was not comfortable knocking on Jared's door and facing that cold stare again. It hurt him too much. As he walked closer to Jared's room he heard Jared shouting.

"You made me look like an idiot out there. What the fuck am I paying you for?"

"Calm down, Jared. It won't happen again."

Jensen could recognize the voice of that son of a bitch anywhere. He knew it was not very polite eavesdropping on Jared and Patrick's fight, but he felt like he was glued to the floor, unable to move.

"It'd better not, because if it does, you will be out of a job. If you can't be my fucking manager, I'll find someone who can."

"Now wait a damn minute."

"What? That fucking law suit and my fight with Johnny! How the fuck did the press get wind of that? How the fuck did that happen?"

"I don't know. Maybe Johnny talked to the press or something."

"Bullshit Patrick and you know it! That man is a fucking pro at what he does. He wouldn't do such a childish thing. Ever since I've hired you as my manager all Hell has broken loose!"

"But look at the sales figures, man! Your album has gone platinum. Your shows are all sold out. "

"I don't care! You know I don't give a damn about those things! All I ever wanted to do was to make some good music. I never wanted to be on the cover of every fucking magazine in the whole world because of a law-fucking-suit! Whatever shit you're doing, stop it!"

"I haven't done anything, man! I swear!"

"Then you better find out who did!"

"Well, you punched that Johnny boy right in the face, dude, and you practically tossed out that faggot friend of… -"

"Shut the fuck up, Patrick! Get out of my damn room, GET OUT!"

Before Patrick had a chance to open the door and storm out of the room, slamming the door shut on his way out, Jensen was long gone with a smile on his face.  



	10. Leap of Faith - Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> None of this would be possible and readable without my awesome beta, [](http://bigj52.livejournal.com/profile)[bigj52](http://bigj52.livejournal.com/) . I learn from you everyday.

Jared and Danneel's duet had debuted at Number One on the charts and had been there for ten straight weeks. Although Danneel should have been very pleased with the outcome of the song, she did not sound very happy about it and Jensen suspected that something was wrong with her, something that he had missed. Jensen decided to confront Danneel about it before she went up on stage that night.

"Danneel? Is everything OK?" Jensen asked as he walked into Danneel's dressing room. She was dressed and ready, doing the final touch-up to her make up.

"Yeah, of course," Danneel replied with a smile which seemed as fake as her cheery attitude to Jensen.

"You know you can tell me anything, D," Jensen said as he leant against the wall.

"Am I attractive, Jensen? I mean, I know you're gay, but..."

"Of course you are, D. You're beautiful. Is that what's been bothering you?"

"No. I mean…I wanna tell you something, but promise you won't get mad, OK?"

"OK, I promise."

"After I recorded that song with Jared I started to have feelings for him, "As she felt the scolding in Jensen's eyes, she shrugged her shoulders and turned back and stared at her reflection in the mirror, "The man is fine. How could I resist? Anyway, I tried to come on to him and he told me that I wasn't his type. Can you believe that?"

Jensen knew what being rejected felt like. He had been in that position more than he was willing to admit lately.

"Just because Jared is not interested in you, it doesn't mean you're unattractive, D. You are a beautiful girl with a beautiful voice and a great sense of humor. Just take a look at your audience. There are thousands of men out there who are willing to do anything to be with you."

"You think so?"

"Of course I do, sweetheart. Now go rock their world!"

Danneel smiled and walked to the door. Before walking out, she kissed Jensen on the lips and whispered ‘thanks’. Jensen was speechless.

"You make her very happy, Jensen."

Jensen turned around to see Leigh standing right outside the room. He shrugged as he walked out of the room toward her.

"Just doing my job."

"Well, you are great at what you do. Come on, there is something I want to talk to you about," Leigh said as she motioned with her arm for Jensen to take a walk with her.

"What is it, Leigh?"

"I've just had a call from Jared."

"About?"

"He is about to drop his manager…for good."

"And?"

"He said he needs a good publicist to get back his reputation and he specifically asked for you. He's agreeing to anything you want Jensen, anything! This is a rare opportunity."

"I'm not interested, Leigh."

"Come on, Jensen! This is a golden opportunity for you."

"I'm not going to do it, Leigh. You can tell him that I'm not interested," Jensen said as he walked out to a less crowded corner of the arena and pulled his phone out, dialing Chris's number. He needed to talk to someone about what had just happened.

"Yo!"

"Dude! Are you turning black on me or somethin'?" Jensen said, amused by the way Chris had answered his call.

"I've spent my whole evening watching Lakers' practice, man. Don't be surprised if I started rapping on you."

Jensen laughed at that.

"So what's up?"

"Jared wants me back…as his publicist."

"And what did you say?"

"I turned him down," Jensen said with a shrug as he watched the sound crew running back and forth backstage.

"Are you crazy? Why did you do that?"

"Jared thinks he can give me a few bucks and that'll make everything go away? No fucking way! "

"Correct me if I'm wrong, but isn't this what you wanted - Jared on his knees, begging for you to come back?"

"Not like this!"

"What the hell do you want then?"

"I want our friendship back, dammit!"

"At least go and see what the offer is exactly, Jenny. Don't make a decision just yet."

Jensen thought about what Chris said and finally, he decided to at least see what the offer was all about before making his final decision. They were supposed to meet at Matt's office that afternoon. Jensen thought about the things he needed to say, the things that needed to be said all the way to Matt's office.

Matt's assistant ushered Jensen to a huge conference room before telling him that Mr. Perkins would be with him shortly, and with that Jensen was left waiting by himself. Finally he heard the door open behind him.

"Damn Matt, you're late and that idiot client of yours has not even showed up yet."

"Well, the idiot is here."

Jensen stopped breathing for what seemed like a minute but in reality was only a few seconds and turned to look into the eyes of someone that he had tried so hard to forget. He looked into the eyes of his once best friend and confidante and felt his legs might give way any minute.

Without saying a word, Jensen turned back around to stare at the view outside. He heard Jared's sigh behind him, something he was once very familiar with.

"So have you thought about my offer?"

"Yeah."

"And?"

Jensen had so much to say to the man who stood behind him. His long-buried feelings finally found a way to the surface and Jensen just blew.

"Fuck you and your offer!" Jensen shouted and got up and walked toward the door, only to be stopped by Jared's grip on his arm.

"Get your hands off of me!"

"We gotta talk, Jensen."

"I have nothing to say to your ass, Jared!"

"Why are you doing this?"

"Excuse me?"

"Just let me say what I have to say and then you can leave."

"Why should I give a damn about whatever the fuck you have to say?"

"Because you were my fucking best friend and I want that back!"

Jared sounded so emotional, but Jensen knew better than letting his act get to him. Jared was just playing with him, like he always had.

"Well, you had your fucking chance and you blew it and you have absolutely no fucking right to be standing there, asking for things to go back to the way they were before."

Jared stood there, looking straight at Jensen, not breaking eye contact with him.

"I made a mistake Jensen, a big fucking mistake and I want… I need you to forgive me."

"Why? Why should I give a damn about you and what you want? You think I'm some stupid boy that you can take advantage of when you feel like it?"

"I never said that."

"No, but you definitely don't have a problem showing it. Now tell me why I should waste my time and energy and friendship on you?"

"Because I'm begging you to. I was wrong, man, so fucking wrong and I've regretted every fucking minute of it."

"Oh, is that so? You kicked me out of your life like a piece of garbage because you care so damn much about me, huh? You think I'm stupid, Jared? The only fucking reason you're here is because your manager fucked up. Isn't that why you're here?"

"What do you want me to say?"  
"There is nothing you can say, so just let me go."

"We used to be good friends."

"Exactly, used to, past tense. Right now that doesn't mean shit to me."

"I let the fame and the money get to me, Jensen. I let Patrick and the rest of them manipulate me. I...I messed up and I'm begging you to please...please Jensen, I want us to go back to the way things were, before all of this."

Jensen had waited so long to hear those words from Jared. He had waited for this moment since the day he walked out of Jared's life. Now the guy was standing there, saying all the right things, yet Jensen could not bring himself to do what he knew he wanted to.

"Listen to me, and listen to me good, asshole, because I'm only going to say this once. I expect to be paid the same amount of money as I get paid by Danneel and I expect the same degree of respect from you as I expect from her, and if you fucking make one mistake Jared, one fucking mistake, I swear to God I will make you regret it. Just because I'm doing this it doesn't mean shit to me. We're not friends here, not anymore. It's on a totally professional level and I expect you to respect that."

Jared just stood there, nodding his head, agreeing to all Jensen's demands, no questions. Jensen nodded his head as he walked out of Matt's office, making sure to not look back because if he did, he knew he would change his mind.

_______________________________

To Jensen’s surprise, their new arrangement worked out quite well. Jensen was able to regain Jared’s positive persona to some extent and undo the damage done. Despite Jensen’s efforts to keep things with Jared on a professional level, he once again found himself drawn to him, drawn to the way that Jared was and occasionally, he had to give himself a mental kick for going down that route again, but overall, things were going smoothly. Of course Jared tried his best to work his charm on Jensen and make him believe that he was a changed man and that they could still be friends, but Jensen knew better than to just give in.

 

Jensen and Jared were at one of the producer's office, going through Jared's photo shoots, choosing pictures for Jared's upcoming album cover.

"Have you finally decided on the pictures you’re going to use for the album cover?" Jared asked.

"I was thinking of this one. You're half naked and the ladies would love it," Jensen said as he turned and winked at Jared. Things between them had finally settled down, and were somewhat back to normal. It was as if they had never separated, never argued.

"Yeah, the ladies," Jared whispered absentmindedly. His voice sounded sad and Jensen wondered if he had said something wrong or inappropriate.

"You OK, buddy?"

"Yeah, I'm fine. Just make me look good."

"Don't I always?" Jensen joked and Jared looked up, grinning. Jared kept watching Jensen work, something that always made Jensen uncomfortable," Don't you have anything better to do than stand there, watching me?"

Jared shrugged and walked over to the television, turning it on, only to see Michael Jackson's memorial service broadcasting on TV. As Usher was singing at the service Jared just shook his head, staring at the TV.

"Just a few years ago they were all over him about the court case , making all these jokes about him being a pedophile. Now look at all the media there, all those cameras, all those reporters; it's just not fair."

Jensen turned to look at him, not at all surprised at Jared's words. Jared had had a little taste of all those cameras shoved in his face since the moment his life as a music artist started.

"They're just doing their job," Jensen finally said, before looking at the television.

"Fuck that! All they do is fuck up some celebrity's life. Until now it was Michael. Tomorrow it will be God knows who. They just need to mind their own goddamn business."

"If it weren't for the press, Michael wouldn't be the star he is today."

"How can you even say that after what they did to you?" Jared angrily asked.

"The press didn't do anything to me, Jared. They just did what they're paid to do. They weren't the ones to start that circus in the first place."

"Maybe not but they were the ones responsible for all that mayhem afterwards."

"You can tell yourself that all you want, Jared, but it wasn't the press who kicked me out like I was just a piece of garbage. You were the one that made the decision to fire me, not the press, so at least be a man and take some responsibility for your actions."

"So you're saying it was my fault?"

"Hell, yeah! You were the one who chose money and your career over our friendship. I've been standing by you from the get-go and as soon as that contract was signed, it was like you didn't even need me anymore."

"Is that what you think has happened?"

"Well, I don't see any reason to think differently."

"Let me tell you something Jensen. Letting you go was probably the hardest decision I had ever had to make in my whole life. And now when I look back I know that it was the fucking wrong decision to make and I would do anything, anything to take it all back."

"Oh, so now I should tell you everything is ok now that you finally realized that you have made a huge fucking mistake?"

"No, I don't expect that, but at least give me a chance to make it up to you."

"Well, forget about it! We're not friends, not anymore and not ever again!"

"Jensen, come on!"

"NO! I don't need a friend who screwed me every chance he had. Plus, I see that you have established quite a friendship with Patrick. At least he’s not a faggot!"

"Fuck you, Jensen! Why do you always have to bring up this straight and gay shit every chance you get?"

"No, fuck you, Jared! It's not me who brings this shit up every other day. It's you and your goddamn good for nothing entourage! If you gave a damn about me, the way you claim you do, you wouldn't let those ignorant son of a bitches fuck with me so much. Let me make something clear for you. In case you haven't noticed, all I am interested in here is doing my fucking job as your fucking publicist. Beyond that, I'm not interested in anything you have to offer, and if you keep pushing it, you're going to have to find yourself a new publicist."

And with that, Jensen stormed out of the studio. He was so mad, so upset at Jared for trying to put the blame on everyone and everything else, except where it belonged, on him. But that day was long gone and Jensen was not going to devote any more time or energy remembering it.

Later that night, Jensen found himself, wide awake in the middle of the night, doing what he had promised himself not to. He kept thinking about his conversation with Jared and analyzing Jared's every word. Jensen knew that deep down inside, he was yearning for what Jared was offering. He desperately wanted to be his friend again, but he also knew nothing good would come out of it. So he kept making excuses, making himself believe that Jared's friendship was a bad idea and that nothing good would come of it. He kept telling himself that once he accepted Jared's offer, he would once again make himself vulnerable for the hurt and the humiliation Jensen knew would come afterwards. Thoughts of Jared kept haunting Jensen morning, noon and night; when he was in the shower; eating breakfast and even in his sleep. That could only mean one thing: He was in love…with Jared. Jensen knew that loving Jared from a distance and not telling him was far better than letting Jared know and have him reject Jensen the way he had done in the past. Jared had made it very clear that when it came to a choice between his music and Jensen, his music would be the only choice.

Strangely enough, that decision made things easier for Jensen. Knowing that what he had with Jared was the closest thing he could ever have as a relationship with the man he now knew was in love him, kept him at bay. He decided once and for all that if he could not have Jared as his lover, he did not want him, period.

_______________________________

Jensen tried hard, really hard to stick to his words and keep things as professional as possible with Jared. Jared was not going to make it easy for Jensen though. One way or another, he played tricks, whether using his contagious laughter or his puppy-dog eyes, and finally he made a crack in Jensen's defense system. The problem, however, was that now Jensen had admitted his feelings for the man, at least to himself, he wanted more, so much more and the thought that he had to deal with what he had, made his heart ache.

It was a quiet Thursday night and Jensen was home. Jared was in a meeting with Matt about his contract and Danneel was back in Atlanta, visiting her family. That was when the phone rang, and it was none other than Chris.

"Hey sexy boy, what's up?

"You sound too happy. What the fuck is up?" Chris asked.

"Jealous?" Jensen asked hoping to get a reaction out of him.

"Not likely, sweetheart. I'm at a bar, waiting for my gorgeous date to come out of bathroom and take me back to his place and…"

"Too much information, Chris!" Jensen almost shouted which made Chris laugh.

"So tell me why you sound so happy. You get fucked lately?"

"None of your goddamn business!"

"You sly son of a bitch."

"What?"

"What's been happening up there?"

"Nothing"

"Have you met someone?"

"Maybe but really, shouldn't you be with your man now?"

"Ha, ha, you're a funny son of a bitch, Jensen."

"It's nothing! Can't I be happy without having a reason?"

"With you, that's not a possibility. Now tell me, what has Jared done this time?"

"Nothing Chris, I just…"

"You are in love with that son of a bitch, aren't you?"

"Yeah! How do you know that?"

"You are so transparent, Jenny, so fucking transparent. It's no big surprise to me and I bet it won't come as a surprise to Jared either."

"No, it won't because I'm not going to tell him a thing."

"Why not?"

"Because he's Jared, Chris! He is not..."

"Gay? How the fuck would you know if you don't ask. These days you can never be too sure."

"Yeah, he's not gay and even if he were, which I don't think he is, he's my friend."

"Since when? Thought the friendship thing wasn't going to work out."

"Well, things change and so do situations. He's really trying to make it up to me, Chris."

"You're not making it easy on him, are you?"

"You're damn right I'm not, but it's hard. I sometimes feel guilty."

"Not too much though, right?"

"Yeah, not too much."

"Stop being a wuss and go talk to him, tell him how you feel. The worst that can happen is..."

"He'll tell me to get the fuck out of his life, and he'll never want to speak to me again! Just leave things as they are, Chris."

"So you are gonna stick with the 'what if' for the rest of your life, huh? Well, let me tell you something, lover boy. If you don't do something about it now, you are going to regret it till the day you die, and guess what? All that regret won't change a damn thing."

"You should set up your own ‘Dr.Phil’ show, dude. But thanks, I think I know what I'm doing here."

"Fine but don't give up on this one yet, OK?"

"Yeah, OK," Jensen heard a knock on his door, "Hey listen Chris, I gotta go. Go get your man, tiger!"

"Talk to you soon, Jenny."

Once Jensen opened the door, he came face to face with Mr. Creepy, as Danneel used to call Patrick.

"You have till the count of three to get the hell off my doorstep before I call the cops."

"Go right ahead. I'm sure they'd love see what I got to show them."

"What the fuck do you want Patrick?"

"Aren't you going to invite me in?"

"Hell, no!"

"Trust me. You don't want a lot of people around to see what I got to show you."

Jensen finally stepped aside and allowed him to step in.

"You have three minutes."

"I'll only need one." And with that, he reached into his pocket and pulled out an envelope.

"This is for you."

Jensen snatched the envelope from his hands and went through its contents. As Jensen took one look at the pictures inside, he suddenly felt light headed and had no choice but to sit down.  



	11. Leap of Faith - Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> None of this would be possible and readable without my awesome beta, [](http://bigj52.livejournal.com/profile)[bigj52](http://bigj52.livejournal.com/) . I learn from you everyday.

"What the hell game are you playing at, you son of a bitch?"

"This is not a game. What you see in there is what everyone else is going to see unless I get what I want."

"That's a fucking lie! You expect me to believe that..."

"I don't really give a fuck if you believe em' or not. There it is in living color."

"You fucking low life, he was supposed to be your friend."

"Save me the drama, Jenny. Business is business and friendship is reusable, interchangeable and optional. I thought you of all people would know that."

Jensen stared down at the pictures again. He could not believe that Jared, _his_ Jared could have done those things in those pictures with Patrick. The thought alone made him want to throw up. The horrible sound of Patrick’s laughter was getting to him. All he wanted to do was kill him. His mind began formulating all sorts of plans, ways that he could get rid of Patrick - dispose of the body, take care of the evidence. But Jensen knew that was not him. He took a deep breath and looked up at Patrick.

"Jared wouldn't do that!" He stated.

"Well he did… with me, and let me tell you that boy sure can fuck."

"NO! Jared wouldn't stoop that low, not with you, not..."

"I had your boy so fucking hung up on me I got him to do _anything_ I wanted. He gave me your job in the blink of an eye, Jensen. Then when I asked him to fire you, damn, he didn't want to. He fought like hell but I had to give him a little incentive. Those pictures sure did the trick. He was eating out of the palm of my hand and he will be again."

"You're fucking nuts!"

"No, but you obviously are! Did you _really_ think you could get away with stealing my client, my _job_ from me? I worked my ass off to get where I am today and I'm not going to let a fucking nut job like you get in my way."

"What the hell do you want from me?!"

"You're going to do whatever the fuck I tell you to,” Patrick said with a smirk, “Or else I'm gonna make sure that little boyfriend of yours never sings another song ever again in his life. You know firsthand what one little picture can do to your life. Your whole world will be turned upside down overnight.”

"So you think I'm gonna help you? You must be out of your mind..."

"Listen to me, you little shit. Tomorrow, you’re going to go in and you're going to tell Jared you quit. You understand me? And you won't say one fucking word about this or me."

"I won't do it!"

"Yes you will, or you can helplessly watch how I destroy his career piece by piece. Is that what you want, Jensen? Do you really want to watch his whole career get ruined, all because of you? Do you want to be the reason why no one wants him? Because, let me tell you, when these pictures hit the press, I am going to make sure everyone knows who to look at and where to look. Do you want to be the cause of his pain?"

Jensen looked away. Patrick did have a point. How could he just sit back and allow this to happen to his friend, to the man that he secretly loved? No. he couldn’t, he just couldn't.

"I’m going to wait until tomorrow night and not one minute more. Do you hear me? And if I find out that you're still working for him by then, you will wake up and see these pictures on the covers of every single magazine. His fans will go wild when they see this. No label will ever want to touch him. Oh, and what about Danneel? Have you thought about her? What will her fans think about her? You know how moralistic most country fans are, don’t you? You don't want to mess with them, trust me. So the bottom line is, Jenny boy that your decision could destroy a lot of people. Do you want to be responsible for that?"

With that, Patrick slowly walked out of Jensen’s apartment, slamming the door behind him.

_______________________________

"What’s wrong with you today, Jensen?" Jared asked for the thousandth time the next day. They were trying to write together but Jensen was out of it for the most time.

"It's nothing, man. Just leave it alone."

"I'm not going to leave it alone," Jared said and tried to touch Jensen but Jensen slapped his hand away.

"Which part of ‘leave it alone’ don't you fucking understand, Jared?!" Jensen yelled, not knowing why he was upset with Jared.

"Shit, Jensen. What the hell is your problem?"

"Nothing, OK?" Jensen snapped. He looked at Jared and saw the hurt look on his face, a look that he never wanted to see again, “Look. I'm sorry, man. I just have a lot on my mind today. There are things I need to sort out, by myself," he told Jared gently this time. Jared put away the guitar in his hand, walked up to Jensen and without saying a word, put his arms around Jensen. It was all Jensen needed to let go. The dam just burst open and he started to sob on Jared’s shoulder.

"Jenny, what's wrong?" Jared asked gently, rubbing Jensen’s back. Jensen just wanted to tell him everything, ask for his help but he knew he could not. Memories of Patrick’s little visits, his cruel words and his threats were all too fresh in Jensen’s mind. He knew he could not let Jared know any of that. He would never do that to his best friend, to the man he loved. Even if all it would take to save Jared’s life and career was ruining his own life, he would do it. Suddenly he knew what needed to be done.

He raised his head a little, leaned into Jared and allowed his lips to meet Jared’s. The world stopped for him, right then and there. He felt jolts of electricity rushing down his spine. His tongue found its way into Jared’s mouth and greeted his. He could feel Jared’s heartbeat next to his. Slowly he let his arms encircle Jared's neck, and suddenly, as if Jared finally realized what was happening, he pulled away abruptly.

"What the hell was that?"

"I kissed you."

"I know that. Why would you do that?"

"You didn't stop me."

"Jensen, -"

"I love you," Jensen said suddenly. All he got in return was an empty blank stare.

"Jensen, I…, you…, we're friends, and I'm…, I can't be more than that to you."

"You didn’t mind being more to Patrick,” Jensen blurted out in a moment of anger. He was hurt that Jared would choose an experience with that asshole over one with him.

"What?"

"You fucked Patrick who doesn’t give a rat’s ass about you, but here I am, offering everything I have and you can't be more than that to me!" Jensen could see surprise and then anger in Jared’s face.

"Mind your own fucking business, Jensen! What I did or didn't do with Patrick is really none of your goddamn concern."

"I was your fucking friend, Jared! Don't you think I should have known about shit like that? I told you everything that was happening in my life and you couldn't even share this with me!"

"There was nothing to share, OK? It was a series of harmless fucks. It meant absolutely nothing."

"Like I guess our relationship means absolutely nothing!"

"That's not true, Jensen, and you know it!"

"Then why won't you give me a chance to show you how much I care about you? I would do anything for you Jared, anything!"

"Because...because that's not me, Jensen. I can't do that and still be in this business. My career comes first before anything else; you of all people should know that."

"I guess I should."

"I didn't mean it like that, Jensen."

"Oh yeah? I've wasted my life on you, Jared. I missed out on so many things, just so that I could be near you, so that we could be together. I'm such a fucking idiot."

"No you're not, Jensen," Jared said and reached out to touch Jensen. Before Jensen knew what he was doing, he hit Jared right in the face and ran out the door, not looking back to see if Jared was OK. Jensen wanted not to care but he did. He knew he did.

_You are such a fucking head case, Jensen Ross Ackles!_

He ran to the parking lot and jumped into his car. He didn't care anymore. He didn't want to care anymore.

All he could see was Jared and Patrick together, knowing it should have been him with Jared, not that creepy asshole. It should have been him all along. As he turned into the street Jensen failed to see the truck as it barreled right into him. His whole world turned black.  



	12. Leap of Faith - Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> None of this would be possible and readable without my awesome beta, [](http://bigj52.livejournal.com/profile)[bigj52](http://bigj52.livejournal.com/) . I learn from you everyday.

Slowly, Jensen opened his eyes. He had to shut them quickly as the light came flooding in. He heard a voice saying ' _Doctor! He's awake_ '. Soon he heard voices and feet moving around. He struggled with his eyes to make them open. This time, he saw the face of a gorgeous man in a white overcoat, standing over him with a smile.

"It’s good to see you finally awake. Do you know who you are?”

"Yes."

"Can you tell me your name then?"

"Jensen Ackles.”

“Nice to finally meet you, Jensen. My name is Dr. Misha Collins.”

“Where am I?"

"You, buddy, are in the Trauma Unit of Nashville Hospital," Dr. Collins paused and then continued, "You've been in a coma for the last month and a half."

Suddenly Jensen felt like he couldn't breathe.

"He's hyperventilating; I need an oxygen mask here!" Dr. Collins said. The nurse handed him a mask which he gently put over Jensen’s head. Slowly Jensen’s breathing started to return to normal.

"Do you want to know about your injuries?" Dr.Collins asked with a smile. Jensen nodded his head ‘yes’. With that, the doctor ushered the nurses out of the room, then pulled up a chair and sat down at his bedside.

"About a month ago, your car was blindsided by a truck. Your rib cage was broken in at least ten places. You broke your hand and legs and almost bled to death. You are one lucky man, Jensen. Usually if a patient does not wake from a coma within two weeks, there isn't much we are able to do."

As much as Jensen tried, he could not remember the accident or anything immediately following it.

"I don't remember the accident."

"It’s usually a side effect of head trauma, so don’t worry. You should start to get snippets of memory here and there in a few days, but I should warn you, you may experience some paranoia as well as nightmares of the accident. I think it would be better if you get some help while you’re still here with us."

"How long do I have to stay here?"

"Now that you’re awake, we are going to run a few tests. If everything comes back OK, you could be released at the end of next week. “

“Alright.”

“Oh, and one more thing; in the process of your recovery, there might be times when you might feel intense pain, especially in your chest. It would be better if someone is with you at those moments. By the way, I have notified your friends, Mr.Kane and Mr. Padalecki that you've woken up; He is outside waiting to see you."

Just hearing that name brought back the painful memory of the accident day full force and again, Jensen started to hyperventilate.

"Nurse! Get me 10mm of cryogen phosphate stat!” Dr. Collins shouted to a passing nurse, "Jensen, you need to calm down. Just take deep breaths.”

Moments later the nurse came running in with a needle and handed it to the doctor.

"I’m going to give your something to help you with your breathing and will keep the hyperventilating to a minimum. You will feel a bit drowsy, OK?"

And with that, he stuck Jensen with the needle and stood beside him as Jensen promptly lost consciousness.

_______________________________

 

_Two Weeks Later_

"When is check-out time?"

"Dude, this is not a hotel, OK?"

"Chris!"

"11 am give or take. By the way, do you know if your doctor is available?"

"Chris!"

"OK! OK! Forget I asked. I'll find out for myself." That brought a smile to Jensen’s face. With everything that had happened, he was surprised that Chris had been by his side during his whole recovery period. It was not something Chris would normally do for someone.

"Nice flowers. Who sent them?" Chris asked, looking at the flowers in the vase.

"Who else?"

"You still haven't called him?"

"Nope."

"And why is that?"

"Chris!"

"Don't ‘Chris’ me! Why the hell haven't you called him yet? He's been asking about you like crazy."

“I’m not interested in him."

Jensen knew he was not fooling Chris. He was not fooling himself either. In the past two weeks or so, Jensen had been catching up with the outside world via TV, newspapers and of course, internet. He even had a few emails from Jared, since he had refused to answer his phone calls or to meet with him when Jared had come for a visit. His initial anger had vanished into thin air. All he felt was a huge hole right where his heart should have been. He still yearned for Jared. He knew Jared was probably thinking he was a jerk, but it was his way of protecting himself from hurt again.

"Then why do you still have them?" Jensen broke his thoughts and looked up at Chris who was still staring at the flowers.

"That's none of your fucking business!" Jensen snapped which caused Chris to hold up his hands defensively and apologize.

"I'm sorry, Chris. I'm just not ready to..."

"It's OK, Jenny."

"No, it's not. You've been by my side through this mess and now I'm treating you like shit. I want you to know that I really appreciate what you've done for me."

"I’m just trying to redeem myself here, Jenny."

Jensen was not sure if Chris was being serious or not, but if he was he had long ago done that.

"What would I do without you, Chris?"

"Crash and burn!" Jensen laughed and allowed Chris to help him into a wheelchair.

"Yeah, you’re right."

 

_______________________________

 

Jensen was feeling ill again as the doctor had warned him would happen. Jensen was told he would need someone around when it happened, but Jensen had kept all that to himself and had not told a soul. He knew he could handle it. And he had. For the past few weeks, he had been on his own and he was fine, almost. But tonight was different. The pain was so intense that Jensen felt he needed to bite something or he would scream any minute. As the pain intensified in his chest, he felt something he had not experienced before: Fear, anguish, dread. He needed someone. Dammit! He tried to reach the phone but the pain was so fierce that he simply could not reach it.

"Shit!" Jensen cursed as he tried to grasp the phone once again. He grabbed the phone wire and pulled on it hard, bringing the entire phone system tumbling on the floor beside him.

The feeling in his chest was getting heavier and heavier. With every breath he took, he felt a sharp pain shooting through his chest. He began to dial the first number he could remember. He listened to the rings. He felt his breathing becoming shallow. He tightened his grip around the phone as he felt his fingers becoming number. Before he could say a word to the person at the other end of the line, he passed out.

_______________________________

"Jensen? Come on, man! Open your eyes for me."

Jensen fluttered his eyes open as he heard his name, but he had to shut them quickly as the light penetrated.

"Take your time, Jensen. Your eyes will take a few minutes to adjust to the light."

Jensen tried to open his eyes again and this time, he succeeded. He had to keep blinking for everything seemed too bright.

"Can you dim the lights, please?" Jensen recognized Dr.Collins’ voice. It only took a few minutes for the light intensity to be reduced a little.

"Now, Jensen, can you turn your head for me?" Jensen obeyed doctor’s order and could not stop the moan escaping his lips as he felt a sharp pain. He felt a pair of hands at his neck as the hands moved to his chin and back to his neck.

"In the next few months, you might feel a little discomfort in your spine and neck. Nothing to worry about though; It will go away eventually.”

"What happened to me?" Jensen managed to ask. His own voice felt strange to his ears.

"You fainted."

"Fainted?"

"Yes. I told you that you might feel some intense pain in your chest. That’s why I wanted you to be with somebody when it did."

"I thought I could handle it," Jensen whispered.

"You were lucky this time, but you need to be more careful. What if you fall and hit your head on a table or something? I strongly recommend that you stay with a family member or a friend for at least the next month. "

_Oh God, who am I going to live with?_

The only answer he came up with was ‘Chris’. He had to give Chris a call and see if they could possibly make some arrangements.

"OK. Can I go back to work, doctor? I have a client and..."

"You're not going anywhere."

For the first time, Jensen noticed he was not alone in the room with Dr.Collins. He slowly turned his head and noticed Jared standing there, leaning against the wall. Jensen tried to turn away but Jared was too quick.

"Excuse me?" Jensen said with an annoyed voice. Since when did Jared make decisions for him?

"I think it would be best for you if you take some time off from work, Jensen,” Dr. Collins chimed in, looking between the two guys.

"I can't," Jensen paused, and turning to Jared, continued, "I can't afford to lose my job, I just can't."

"Listen, Jensen. For the next month at least, you will feel discomfort in your neck, maybe even nausea and cold sweats. It will be a slow recovery process. There might be times when you won't be able to walk much less get out of bed. So you might want to reconsider your decision."

Jensen kept quiet. What could he possibly say to what he had just heard?

"I am going to check on my other patients. Just think about what I said," and with that Dr.Collins walked out, closing the door behind him.

As if Jared was waiting for the doctor to leave he started to speak, "Jensen, you should take the time off. I talked to Danneel, and she agrees with me too, Jensen. Your health...,-"

"Is none of your concern."

"What is your problem? I saved your damn life. The least you can do is to say thank you like a decent human being!"

"Well, I didn't ask for it."

"You didn’t?! You called me, remember?"

"It was a mistake!"

The glowering look in Jared’s face was priceless and somewhat frightening. Feeling that he could still push Jared’s buttons, gave Jensen some control.

"A mistake? I should have left your ass lying there."

"Well, it wouldn't have been the first time, now would it?"

"What is that supposed to mean?"

"What the hell do you think?"

"What the hell do you want from me, Jensen?!"

"Not a damn thing," Jensen spat back, knowing it was a big lie, “I don’t want anything from you.”

"Whatever!" Jared almost shouted as he walked out of the room, “Have a fucking nice recovery!”

The minute Jared walked out of the room guilt was the only thing Jensen was feeling. Not anger, not disappointment, not resentment, just guilt.

_You are such an ungrateful bastard, Jensen Ackles!_

He pushed the ‘call’ button. He wanted Jared back. It was not fair to him the way Jensen had been treating him. Not at all. By the time the nurse walked into Jensen’s room and Jensen asked her to go after his friend for him, Jared was already gone.  



	13. Leap of Faith - Chapter 13

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> None of this would be possible and readable without my awesome beta, [](http://bigj52.livejournal.com/profile)[bigj52](http://bigj52.livejournal.com/) . I learn from you everyday.

For the longest time Jensen just stood outside Jared’s door, wanting to knock, wanting to see Jared, but he was too afraid to face Jared’s reaction. So he just stood there and did nothing. What could he possibly say to Jared that could undo the pain he had seen in his friend’s face that day in the hospital? What if Jared closed the door in his face as soon as he saw Jensen? Finally, he decided to walk away. He turned around to walk down the hall when he heard the door open and Jared stepped out.

"Jensen!"

Jared looked surprised. Jensen could not blame him for being surprised. There he was, not having shaved in a week, his hair a mess, and dressed mindlessly that evening in a pair of old jeans and crinkled shirt. All in all, Jensen was in a sad condition. And there Jared was, wearing designer jeans, probably Armani, with a polo shirt and clean sneakers. He looked like he was at the top of his game.

“You’re going out?” asked Jensen, unsurely.

"Yeah, but,-"

"I’ll come back later then," Jensen said as he turned to leave. Jared grabbed his shoulder.

"Yeah but I'm early. The thing doesn't start till ten."

"OK."

They just stood there, staring at each other, neither knowing what to say or do to break the thick tension in the air.

"This is stupid,” Jared chuckled, “Do you want to come in?"

"Yeah, sure, thanks."

"No problem,” Jared said as he stepped aside to let Jensen in, “So, what brings you here?"

Jensen looked around, desperately searching for a reason to leave. He just couldn’t come up with anything.

"I just,” Jensen said, searching for the right words, “I...I wanted to say...I wanted to say thanks for what you did for me."

"You’re welcome, “Jared said, suddenly sounding indifferent, “You know I would have done that for anyone."

_Is he comparing me to anyone else? Is he actually saying that I could have been a stranger and it would not have made any difference?_

"Oh!” Was all Jensen managed to say before clearing his throat, “Well, that's all I came here to say," Jensen said and got up to leave.

_I’m not gonna break down! I’m not gonna break down!_

"Jensen, wait!"

"What?"

Jensen was in a rush to leave. He knew if he did not leave soon, he would break down and it was not a luxury he could afford in front of Jared.

"I didn't mean that."

"The hell you didn't!"

"I didn't, I swear. I...fuck! I ‘m just surprised to see you tonight. I thought you didn't want to see me again."

"I lied."

"What's going on with you?"

"I don't know. I just…I don't know. I feel stupid being here," Jensen mumbled, “I’d better go.”

"Goddammit, Jensen! For once in your life, will you just stay and tell me what the fuck is the matter?"

"No, I gotta go ...”

"Why? What’s so important back home? "

"Nothing!” Jensen almost shouted, “Not everyone has the luxury of having invitations to all these affluent places, you know?"

"Dammit Jensen!” Jared yelled back, “Stop feeling sorry for yourself! What do you want? My pity? "

"I don't want a damn thing from you! I told you that!"

"Then stop acting like you do!"

Jensen froze at those words.

"W…What?"

"You keep saying that you don't want anything from me, but your actions tell me a totally different story. So tell me what is going on in that freaky head of yours."

"Nothing," Jensen mumbled as he desperately tried to look anywhere but into Jared’s eyes. He looked at the clock on the wall. It was minutes to ten.

"It's almost ten."

"So?"

"So what about your date?"

"Fuck my date! We're talking about you and me here, man!"

"What ‘you and me’? There is no ‘you and me’."

"Really? Is that what you want?"

_Is he really saying what I think he is saying?_

"What do you mean if that's what I want?"

"Forget it!"

“Oh no. You said it man, now I want to know what you mean by that.”

Jensen’s heartbeat sped up as he waited for Jared’s answer.

"I said, forget it!"

"Why don't you put up or shut up?"

"What? You got some balls now?"

"Fuck you!"

Once again, Jensen tried to walk away. This time, though, Jared made no attempt to stop him.

"Jensen, I… I want us to...," Jensen stopped once he heard Jared’s voice.

"Just say it, Jared."

He heard Jared taking a deep breath.

"I'm over that whole 'I'm a star' thing now. I want our friendship back, for good this time."

Jensen had a bittersweet feeling at hearing these words . Of course he wanted their friendship back, but at the same time, he wanted, he needed much, much more. He didn’t want just Jared’s friendship. He wanted his heart. He wanted to love him. He wanted Jared to love him back, to need him. He knew that ever since they had moved to Nashville together, deep down inside, that had been his fantasy. A fantasy...just a fantasy. Nothing more. It could never be anything more.

"No more bullshit. I promise you that. Nothing will ever stand between us again, not anyone, not anything. Not even my career.”

“Jared,..."

"I know I've taken you for granted. I know I have not been there for you, but…Jensen, I've never had a relationship like this with anyone. I trust you Jen, with all my heart and soul."

"You mean that?"

"Hell, yeah! I wouldn't lie about something like that. I would have never made it this far without you."

"You sure wouldn't," Jensen chuckled and Jared started to laugh.

"We have a lot of issues we need to work through," Jensen offered.

"I know, man and we will work through them. I promise you. I…I want you to stay here."

"Here?"

"Yeah. This way, I can look out for you just like the doctor ordered.”

Jensen hesitated for a moment. He was not sure he could handle having Jared around all the time. He was not sure he could control himself or hide his feelings.

“Jared, I don’t know.”

“Come on, Jensen. We'll be able to spend some time together like we used to, before all of this," Jared said with a smile. If only Jared knew the power of his smile, if only he knew.

"Just until I'm well enough to go back to work. Deal?"

"Deal!" Jared said cheerfully and looked at the clock. It was ten thirty.

"I'm sorry I made you miss your date."

"It was nothing special, and it was worth it. You were worth it."

 

_______________________________

_What the hell were you thinking, you idiot? Why did you accept his offer?_

Jensen mentally kicked himself as he lay in bed that night, listening to the sound of the shower in the other room. He finally decided that he had been probably under the influence of his medication. What sane man would accept that offer and put himself in that situation anyway? Yes. That must have been the reason. Not that finding the reason would get him out of the situation he had put himself in. The man he was in love with was in the shower, right next door. He shut his eyes tight and shook his head. No. He would not think of Jared like that. Not when he was this close.

"Jensen? We’re out of coffee. I’m going to run to the store real quick. You need anything?" Jensen lifted his head from the pillow and was on the verge of telling Jared ‘no’, when he caught a quick glimpse of Jared, passing from one end of the hall to the other …naked. Suddenly, he was burning all over. He suddenly felt a swelling in his pants.

“No,” Jensen finally managed to whisper.

"Are you OK? You sound strange."

Jared’s voice was close. He probably was right outside Jensen’s room.

_Please don’t come in! Please don’t come in!_

"Yeah,” Jensen squeaked, "Yeah, I'm fine."

"OK, be back in five minutes."

Jensen let out a breath of relief as he heard Jared’s footsteps walk away from the door. He knew that glorious sight was carved in his memory for ever. He should not dwell on it though. Jared would be back soon and the last thing he wanted Jared to see was him, hard as Hell.

_______________________________

 

Jensen was still coming back from his high when his phone rang. He reached over to his phone and saw Chris’s name on the screen and smiled. He was someone Jensen could talk to about what he had just seen. He would understand, or so Jensen thought.

"Dude! What are you, twelve? It’s not the first time you’ve seen someone naked."

"Well, it's the first time I’ve seen Jared naked," Jensen replied as he put the phone onto speaker and began to clean himself up.

"What do you want me to say, Jensen?"

"I don't know. I just… I just needed to… never mind!"

"No! Say what you were going to say."

"I just needed to talk to someone about it. That’s all."

"Well, I'm glad that someone is me," Jensen sensed a softness in Chris’s voice that was usually not there, “It means a lot.”

Lost in the moment of the sentimental exchange, Jensen did not hear Jared coming back. He just looked up to see Jared standing in the door frame.

“Jensen? You there, babe?”

“Why…why don’t you come in J?” Jensen asked, quickly regretting it as he felt his erection begin to grow.

"No, I see you're busy here,” Jared sneered as he looked over at the phone.

"Chris, I…I'll talk to you later. And thanks for… you know…listening to me," Jensen said, the whole time his eyes were glued to Jared.

"No problem, Jenny. I'm here for you…Anytime."

To his horror Jensen heard the sound of a kiss from the other end of the line before it went dead. He reached over and turned the phone off. As he looked up Jared was gone.

Slowly Jensen walked out of his room and to Jared’s room. The door was closed. He stood there for a minute listening for a sign that said Jared was not in bed yet. He didn’t hear anything.

With a sigh he walked back into his room and dialed Chris’s number again.

“What is it this time?”

"What the hell was that?" Jensen angrily asked.

"It was Jared, wasn’t it? I just tried to help you out. I actually think our star might be jealous."

"No, he's just annoyed."

"At?"

"You know?"

"No, I don't know. Why don’t you tell me?"

"Jared knows about you and me, Chris. You know, back then."

"Yeah. I'm sorry about that. You know that, right?"

"Yeah. I also know that you can be a big asshole when you want to."

"Exactly. So why don’t you go and explain it to your boyfriend?"

"He's not my boyfriend!"

"Oh yeah? I’m getting a different vibe from you guys, though."

"Whatever. He is in bed anyway.”

“So?”

“So, I'll call you later."

“OK.”

“Chris?”

"Yeah."

"If you pull another fucking stunt like that again I’ll strangle you."

“Yeah, OK. Bye,” Chris snickered.

 

_______________________________

 

As Jared walked out of the supermarket, his thoughts drifted back to the night before and the little incident with Jensen. Just the thought of Jensen with Chris made him nauseous. Before walking to the car Jared castanother glance at Jensen who was waiting for him in the car. He could not believe hearing Chris’s voice on the phone would push him over the edge like that. Chris was playing with Jensen again and his friend was falling for it all over again. How many times did that boy have to be knocked down and run over before he realized he was setting himself up for another fall?

As he reached the car, he put the packages on the backseat and threw his keys at Jensen.

“You drive.”

“Why?

"Because I want a fucking moment of peace, that’s why!" Jared knew he shouldn’t treat Jensen like that. He just could not help it though. He didn’t want to ask Jensen about Chris for some reason and that kept him on the edge.

"Yeah, OK," Jensen said as he quickly jumped in on the drivers' side and started the car. He kept his eyes on the road, not saying a word. Jared sighed. He knew he had to apologize.

"I'm sorry, Jensen.”

“It’s OK.”

“No, it’s not. It’s just been a hell of a week. Now that you’re gone, they have hired this stupid son of a bitch for me and he doesn’t know his head from his ass."

Jared knew he was lying. That was not the reason he was on the edge, but he wouldn’t tell Jensen the real reason why he was so cranky that morning.

"So you miss me being there?" Jensen joked, his eyes still on the road.

"Sure do," Jared said as he reached over and squeezed Jensen’s shoulder. He flinched at the touch.

"You OK?" Jared asked, suddenly concerned.

"Yeah...I'm fine,” Jared was not very convinced, “Are you still with Chris?” Jared suddenly blurted out before he had a chance to stop himself.

_Shit!_

“Huh?” Jensen asked confused.

“Never mind. Forget it.”

"No. You were going to say something, say it."

"No, forget it. It’s nothing."

"I thought we were going to work out our issues," Jensen said quietly.

“So?”

“So, you have to talk to me, Jared.”

"Fine. I thought you and Chris were over."

“Well, we are.”

“Then how come you’re talking again?”

"Jared, he's my friend."

"He fucked you over!"

"Well, so did you."

Jared did not say anything back. He just stared out the window at the passing scenery.

"Jared? I’m sorry, man. I didn’t mean it," Jensen said apologetically.

“Don’t be. I guess I deserved it. Just tell me one thing."

"What?"

"Are you with him or not?"

"No. He is just a friend."

"I still don't like him. He is trouble."

"I know you're worried about me, Jared, and thank you for that. But he really has tried to make it up to me, he really has."

"I still think he's trying to get you back in bed."

"Chris doesn't want me like that. Trust me."

"Do you?"

“Do I what?”

“Do you want him?”

"No. He is a good guy, he really is, but he's not what I need."

Jared wanted to ask him what Jensen thought he needed, but by then, he had already arrived home and Jensen was halfway out of the car, headed for the stairs, leaving Jared to park the car.

 

_______________________________

 

Jensen walked over to the door when he spotted Chris waiting by their door.

“Chris! What are you doing here?”

“You didn’t answer your phone, chucklehead. I was worried.”

Jensen searched his pocket for his phone. Nope, it wasn’t there.

“Sorry. I must have left it at home,” Jensen said as he unlocked the door, “Come on in.”

“So have you decided?”

"Chris, I told you. I can't go."

"Why not?"

"Because I'm supposed to be resting up so that I can get my ass back to work, that’s why. So I can’t come to the parade with you."

"You need to get out more, man. Are you under house arrest or something?"

"No, but I am under doctors’ orders to stay close to home."

"Or maybe you don't want to leave your boyfriend alone. Afraid he might hook up with some chick?"

"Fuck you, Chris!" Jensen said as he sat down on the sofa.

"Oh, you wish! Get fucking real, Jensen. There are many men out there looking for someone like you. How are you going to meet them if you hide yourself in here? "

"I'm not into it, Chris, OK? My heart isn't in it.”

Chris rolled his eyes and took a seat next to Jensen.

"I need a cigarette," Chris said, reaching into his back pocket and pulling out a pack.

"Not in here."

"Why? Mr.Rockstar not a smoker?" Chris asked with a hint of sarcasm in his voice.

"No and neither am I," Jensen hissed through his teeth.

"Fine! Whatever," Chris said as he put the pack back in his pocket.

As Jensen leaned into Chris and planted a kiss on Chris’ cheek Jared walked into the living room. He did not look too happy to see Chris there in his house, sitting right next to Jensen, but he decided to keep his mouth shut. Instead he headed into his room and slammed the door shut.

"Somebody's jealous," Chris said amused.

"Shut up! He'll hear you!"

"Awww, how sweet!"

"Chris!" Jensen warned, stepping over Chris to go and find Jared. He was about to find out what was bothering his friend.

He was about to knock on Jared’s door, when Jared suddenly swung the door open.

"You OK?" Jensen asked.

"Do I look fucking OK to you?" Jared barked. Jensen dreaded what was coming next.  
"Um. Sorry," Jensen said and took a step back. Jared, in turn, grabbed his hand and pulled Jensen back to him.

"Don't you dare fucking apologize, Jensen. I'm sorry. I'm just having a really shitty day. I didn’t mean to take it out on you."

"Do you want to talk about it?"

Jensen saw Jared looking over Jensen’s shoulder and probably at Chris.

"Do you want him to leave?"

"No. I just need some time to myself."

"OK."

"Listen...I'm gonna head out. I have a few things to take care of at the studio, OK? I might be gone for the night. Are you gonna be alright by yourself?"

Jensen wanted to say ‘no’. He wanted to tell Jared to stay, or at least to come back home that night, but he knew it was not his decision to make. So he just nodded.

"Do you want me to go with you?"

For a second Jensen thought he saw Jared’s eyes light up.

"Nah, I just need a time out. I'll be back in the morning."

"Sure, OK."

"Jensen?”

“Yeah?”

“If you…if you want your…your friend to stay, I don't...," Jared whispered as if he were afraid to say it out loud.

"No. He's leaving as soon as you are," Jensen whispered back and saw a smile on Jared’s face.

"Thank you, man. You're my best friend. You know that?"

Jensen nodded. Jared gave him a quick hug and walked past Jensen and out the door. Chris was right at Jensen’s side in a flash, begging to know the intimate details of their little moment.

"Dude! You two look like a fucking married couple."

"Shut up. It was..."

"Oh, cut the bullshit! Friends don't hold their friends like that in public."

Jensen kept his mouth shut, not telling Chris that he thought Jared had acted like that due to his insecurities. He did not want to tell Chris that Jared had been protective of him as soon as he had heard how Chris had treated Jensen and dumped him. Jared was just confused to see Jensen back with Chris, acting as thought nothing had happened.

"Chris. I don't want Jared to think that you and I are..."

"Doing the cha cha. Yeah!” He started to laugh and so did Jensen, “I’m outta here. Call me OK?” Chris said before leaving.

 

_______________________________

 

Jared was waiting outside for Chris to leave, before he took off. He did not like the idea of leaving Jensen with Chris. He was afraid Jensen would fall for Chris’s act again, and there was no way Jared would stand aside and watch it all happen to his best friend.

"Still here?" Chris called as he walked to his car, watching Jared standing next to his car.

"Yeah, just checking the car. Do you have a second?" Jared asked. Chris looked at his watch.

"Yeah, sure." Chris said as he leant against his car, arms crossed, as if he was challenging Jared. Jared mimicked Chris’s posture, staring directly into his eyes.

"What game are you playing?"

"Excuse me?"

"You may have fooled Jensen, but that’s not going happen with me."

"Is there something you want to know Mr. Rockstar? Do you want to know if I am sleeping with your friend?"

Those words cut through Jared like a knife, and Jared had no idea why.

"If that’s the case, then I have to say it’s none of your damn business. Jensen is a grown man and he knows perfectly what he wants and needs."

"You think you're oh so smooth with your act? I see right through you and your sick intentions."

"Is that so?"

"Yeah, that's so."

"You have a lot of fucking nerve trying to talk me down. Especially after what your ass did to your so-called friend!"

"Excuse me?"

"I don't even know what Jensen sees in you, ‘cause all I see is a spoiled rich brat with a fucking attitude!"

Next thing Jared knew, he had Chris on the ground, pounding the shit out of him, until he heard the sound of sirens getting closer.


	14. Leap of Faith - Chapter 14

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> None of this would be possible and readable without my awesome beta, [](http://bigj52.livejournal.com/profile)[bigj52](http://bigj52.livejournal.com/) . I learn from you everyday.

Jared leaned his head against his arms on the desk and closed his eyes, remembering the night before. When he was finally out of his daze, he felt himself being pulled by a cop into the back of a police car, while the paramedics were loading Chris into an ambulance. The last thing he saw before the car took off was Jensen’s face. Jared was scared, not about the press getting a hold of what had happened, not about Matt, not about the possible court and lawsuit. No. What he dreaded the most was Jensen’s reaction.

As Jared heard the door of the interview room being opened, he raised his head to see Matt walking in.

"What the fuck happened, Jared?"

"I don't want to talk about it."

"This is no time for this star bullshit! You are in some major shit, buddy. You almost killed that man!"

"Well, I didn't, did I?" Matt glared at him before he took up his briefcase and made his way towards the door.

"Matt, I'm sorry!"

Matt looked back at Jared and shook his head. He walked back over to him, and put his hand on Jared’s shoulder.

"What happened to you, son?"

"I don't know. I just snapped. Is he… is he going to be OK?"

"He should be fine. You should worry about the civil court, maybe even the criminal court. How did things get out of hand, boy?"

"I don't know, Matt. I fucked up, big time!"

"Yes, you did but don't worry. I’ve already called your lawyer. He is on his way. We’re going to wait and see if this guy presses charges."

As hard as Jared tried to concentrate on what Matt was telling him about the possible trial, his thoughts drifted back to Jensen and his reaction.

"Have you heard from Jensen yet?" Jared said, interrupting Matt and his monotone.

"Yes. He was the one calling me, actually.”

"And? Where is he?"

"With his friend at the hospital."

"Did he say anything else?"

"Jared,-"

"Did he say anything else, Matt?" Jared raised his voice, causing the guard standing outside the room to give him a warning look.

"No, but I don't think this is the right time to be talking about this."

"I didn’t ask your opinion on this Matt, now did I?"

Jared regretted those words as soon as they were out of his mouth. Matt had been like a father figure for him since the beginning of his career and there was no way he wanted to disrespect the man.

"I'm sorry man, shit! I just seem to piss everybody off today," Jared said, taking his head in his hands.

"I can only imagine how hard this has been on you, son."

That was all it took for Jared to let go of all the emotions he had bottled up inside for a long time. He began to silently sob.

_______________________________

 

Jensen just stood there, not believing his eyes. There was Chris, lying in a hospital bed with broken ribs and bones. For the life of him, Jensen could not understand why Jared would do something like this. Chris had been seriously beaten. He could not speak. He could not even open his eyes, and Jensen was desperate to understand what had happened.

He watched Dr.Collins examining him. Knowing Chris was in capable hands was a relief.

"Is he going to be OK?" Jensen whispered, pain and worry evident in his voice.

"Sure, he’ll pull through just fine. Don’t worry,” Dr. Collins said over his shoulder with a smile. He will be out for the night, Jensen. You can go home and come back later."

"Can I just have a few more minutes, just to let him know I'll be back?"

"Sure, no problem."

As Jensen stood there, watching the doctor do his job, his mind drifted to Jared. He had called Matt twice; once as soon as the police car left the place and again when he was waiting on the doctors working on Chris in the emergency room. Matt had practically begged him to go see Jared or at least talk to him. He said Jared kept asking about him. Jensen couldn't. Jared was a stranger to him. He could not understand how someone could be sweet and caring one minute and so ruthless the next. He had no right to treat Chris that way. Chris didn't deserve this, no matter what had happened between them. Nothing Jared would say or do would change Jensen’s mind about it.

_______________________________

"I have some good news!"

Jared looked up at Matt and saw him smiling at him.

"You're getting out of here."

"Thank God!"

"Also the charges against you have been dropped."

"Even the assault charges? Are you serious?” Jared asked, not believing his ears.

"Yep. Mr. Kane won't bring charges against you. Apparently he told the cops that he initiated the fight in the first place."

Jared just sat there, speechless. He had almost beaten the guy to death and yet he didn’t rat him out.

"I can't believe it. So that means I'm getting out of here?"

"Yeah you are. We just sit and wait for them to sign you out."

_______________________________

Jensen was packing his bag when he heard the key turning in the lock. Slowly he walked out of his room and into the hall where he saw Jared. He stood there, watching him walking into the kitchen, opening the refrigerator. As he bent over and retrieved a beer, Jensen stared at the contours of his ass outlined as clear as day. Instinctively Jensen drew in a breath which made Jared jump and spin around, stunned.

"Jensen," Jared whispered and took a step towards Jensen, only to be stopped by Jensen taking a step back.

"I'm just here to get my stuff," Jensen said, his face blank, his voice flat.

"Where…Where you going?"

"I'm going to stay with Chris."

Jared heard the hostility in Jensen’s voice and flinched. He hung his head low and ran a hand over his face. Looking up, he whispered, "Please stay."

It sounded so sincere, so honest, and so desperate that Jensen gave in, almost.

"I can't. Chris needs me now."

"I didn't mean for it to happen, Jensen. I take full responsibility for what happened. I fucked up."

"Yeah. You almost killed my friend. What the hell were you thinking?"

Jared looked like a lost little boy as he stood there, looking at his shoes.

"I don't know. I just… I just don't want to see you hurt. I know how hard you took it when Chris fucked you over."

"It’s something between me and Chris, Jared. I told you that you have to stay out of it."

"I'm not a fucking idiot, Jensen. I can see through him. I can see what he has on his mind and I don't like it one bit."

"So you go and beat him to death?"

"I went about it the wrong way."

"What the hell were you trying to prove?"

"I… I was just...," Before Jared had a chance to answer, his phone started ringing. At first, he decided to ignore it, but seeing Matt’s name on the screen he knew he had to take it.

Jensen stood there, watching Jared on the phone, cursing under his breath. He was so close to finally getting an answer out of him. Then his phone had to start ringing. _Dammit!_ He watched Jared’s familiar moves. He could read Jared’s body language like an open book and it was really scary.

He watched Jared walking over to the television, turning it on to CNN news.

“It’s another violent day in the world of rock star, Jared Padalecki. This is just another incident in a long line of abnormal violent behavior that Jared has recently displayed although the news seems to boost his album sales even higher. The charges stemming from this latest violent incident have been dropped, leaving his fans and the world waiting to see what he will do next. This is Tim Carter, reporting live, for CNN news. Back to you, Aaron.”

Jared turned the television off and fell back onto the sofa, hands in his lap. Jensen knew he should walk out while he still had a chance, but he could not leave Jared like that. Slowly he walked over to Jared and sat down, covering Jared’s hand with his. To his surprise Jared put his other hand on his, and held it there.

"I need you, Jensen. I can't do this alone. I can't. You're the only one I can turn to."

“Let me go unpack, OK? I’ll be right back.”

_______________________________

 

Jensen felt guilty about promising Chris that he would stay with him and then turning around and changing his mind. He prepared himself for Chris’s shouts and insults as he walked into his room, dialing Chris’s number. To Jensen’s surprise, he took the news pretty well.

"You gotta do what you gotta do, buddy."

"Chris..."

"Don't worry about it. He probably needs you more than I do."

Jensen was quite surprised by Chris’s behavior. Jared had beaten the hell out of Chris, and yet there Chris was, being so friendly and understanding about it. There was something going on that Chris was not telling him.

"Why didn't you tell the truth when the cops asked you what happened?"

"It wouldn’t be fair."

"To who?"

"To you…and to Jared. I could see that he only had your best interests at heart. Plus I provoked him into hitting me."

"That didn't mean you deserved what happened to you, Chris!"

"No, but still…what I said to him was wrong, and honestly, I did it to provoke the hell out of him. Now go be with your man."

“He is not, -”

“I know, I know, he is not your man. Now, go already. And don’t worry about me. I’m gonna call my man and ask him to call over.”

“Your man?” Jensen asked confused. As far as he knew, Chris was not with anyone at the moment.

“Yeah, my doctor, you know?” Jensen’s jaw hit the floor.

“Tell me you didn’t!”

"Oh, I did!"

"Ugh!" Jensen grunted as he started unpacking.

"What's the matter?"

"What's the matter?! Jesus Chris, what the hell is wrong with you? You've been out of the hospital less than a day and already you're acting like a slut!"

"Maybe I am,” Jensen stopped what he was doing. He could see Chris’s huge grin through the line and it made him laugh.

“Just be careful, Chris. OK?”

“Yeah, yeah. Bye babe.”

Jensen put the phone back on cradle with a smile. Chris always had a way of making him smile.

_______________________________

 

Jared was still sitting on the sofa, where Jensen had left him, deep in thought when he felt his phone vibrating in his hand. He glanced at the screen before answering.

“What’s up, Matt?”

“You OK, boy?”

“I’m fine.”

“I just got a call from the studio.”

“And?”

“The producer wants to know if you’re ready to go back and record your album.”

“I don’t know, Matt. I'm just under a lot of stress right now, man. It's just wearing me down. I need a break.”

“I agree. I told them you are going to take a trip to Hawaii. So, why don’t you do that? Just go to the islands, bring a girl with you, get laid, just do something."

Jared sat there thinking about it. It was not a bad idea after all.

"Yeah. I think I'm gonna do that."

"Good. Which _lovely lady_ are you going to take there with you?" Jared swore he could hear a smirk in Matt’s voice.

"I haven't even decided yet. I’m not sure I want to take anyone with me."

"Well. You can always find a sexy lady there, I’m sure," Matt laughed.

As Matt talked about the details of Jared’s new album, Jared kept thinking about asking Jensen to go on that trip with him.

_______________________________

 

Jensen was still unpacking when Jared quietly walked into his room.

“What do you say we take a trip to Hawaii?”

Jensen looked up from his bag, puzzled.

“Hawaii?”

“Yeah. Matt suggested I take a break from this mess, and I agreed. So are you going to come with me?”

“I don't know, Jared. I’ve been away from work for a long time and I was thinking about going back to work this week."

“So? You always have a job with me, you know that. I’m sure Danneel will understand too. Jensen, this is what we need to get back on track.”

“OK. I’ll think about it.”

“Well, you have until tomorrow morning because I’m leaving in the morning.”

Jensen stared at Jared. He thought he saw a glimpse of hope in Jared’s face. How could he say ‘no’ to that face?

“OK, but I have to come back Wednesday. Danneel had a photo shoot and I promised her I would go with her.”

Jared grinned and walked up to Jensen, embracing him in his powerful arms.

“This is going to be so good. You’re going to have the time of your life, I promise you that," said Jared as he released Jensen from his embrace, “I’m going to call Matt and ask him to make the arrangements for us.”

As Jared walked out of his room, Jensen just stood there, trying to get his breathing and his feelings back under control. He had to admit a trip to a tropical island was a romantic idea, and maybe he should have resisted the temptation and said ‘no’ to Jared. He was not sure he could get a grip on his emotions once they got to Hawaii. He was afraid he would slip and confess his real feelings to Jared. He closed his eyes, wishing he did not have to pretend all the time. He wished things were different.

_______________________________

As Jared left Jensen in the packed airport terminal to check their bags, Jensen took his cell phone out and called Chris.

“Hey Chris.”

“Hey. Where are you?”

“At the airport with Jared, waiting for our flight."

“So you’re finally going?”

“Yes, Chris. I’m finally going.”

“Is he there with you?”

“He is over at the ticket counter, checking our luggage.”

“Jensen, are you going to be OK?”

“With what?”

“With being there with Jared. I don't want you to get caught up in the moment and get rejected again.”

It was quite scary how he could sometimes read Jensen’s mind like an open book.

“I won't. I’ve accepted the fact that our relationship will stay platonic.”

“OK. Just be careful.”

“How is the doctor?”

“Misha? Hmm, quite good. He left this morning. We actually have a date tonight.”

“He asked you out?” asked Jensen, surprised. Chris was not the type to go out with someone unless he was getting serious about him.

“Yeah, but don’t worry. He's going to be out the door by the end of the week. They always are.”

“And you want him to stay?”

“Hell, no!”

Chris did not sound very convincing and Jensen wished he had enough time to actually have a talk with him about the situation with Misha, but he just heard their flight being announced over the PA and saw Jared walking towards him.

“Well, I have to go. They just called our flight. I will call you when I get there.”

“Only if you're not too busy fucking.”

“Chris!”

“OK, OK, sorry. Have a safe flight, OK?”

"OK. Talk to you later."

"See you, babe,” Chris said before hanging up.

As Jared reached Jensen, he had shut his phone off and shoved it into his pocket.

“Who were you talking to?”

“Um, Danneel,” lied Jensen as Jared nodded.

Jensen knew mentioning Chris to Jared would probably piss him off, so he kept quiet about it.

“OK. Let’s go.”

_______________________________

 

Jared sat there, staring out the window. Flying always had a soothing effect on him. He glanced at Jensen asleep in the seat next to him. He looked peaceful and innocent and at ease. Jared could not remember if he had ever seen his friend asleep before and cursed himself under his breath for the millionth time for the way he had treated Jensen since his career had started to take off. Jensen had always been there for him, had always watched his back, had always done what he thought was best for Jared and then he had to go and fuck things up between them like that.

Jared wished he could let Jensen in. He wished he could explain to Jensen why he could not give Jensen what he wanted, what he needed. It is not that he did not want to. He was just not sure it would worth it, screwing up his life and Jensen’s life like that.

He closed his eyes and his mind drifted back to his last encounter with Patrick.

_[Flashback]_

_It was late and Jared was dead tired as he walked out of the studio and towards his car. Jensen had just been released from hospital after his accident, and he was at Jared’s place, probably still up and waiting for Jared to get home._

_"I'm glad your friend is doing better," Jared heard from somewhere behind him and spun around, seeing Patrick, leaning against his car with a smirk on his face._

_Jared knew that Patrick had probably something to do with what had happened with Jensen. It had to be him, and there he stood in front of Jared, mouthing off like Jared was some idiot, like he would not eventually figure things out._

_"Is that so?"_

_"Of course, J.T., I know that your buddy and I don't always get along but it doesn’t mean I ever want to see him hurt."_

_"It's strange that you should say that because I know you have tried to fuck him over in the past."_

_Patrick’s face fell as he realized that Jared had caught him lying._

_"Oh, come on, J! You know I wouldn't do such a thing like that.”_

_"Cut the bullshit Patrick and be a fucking man for once in your life!"_

_"What the fuck is this about Jared?"_

_"You damn well know what the fuck this is about!"_

_"Do I?"_

_"You think I don’t remember what you did to me? You and I do something in private and then you have the gall to take pictures, remember?"_

_"Oh, Jared. It wasn’t like that and you know it."_

_"Oh really? I was fucking stupid enough to trust you and you played me. You made me fucking shit on my best friend for you!"_

_Jared was on the verge of breaking something or someone._

_"But you know what? I’ve had enough!! You got five minutes to end this shit right here, right now before I get a lawyer on the phone."_

_"OK, OK. I took the pictures just for my own personal collection, I like you, Jared and you know that. I’ve liked you from the star, and I knew that this was probably a once in a lifetime thing for you. I… I wanted something to remember you by."_

_"Oh yeah? And that’s why you’ve blackmailed me with those pictures ever since that night? You made me fucking fire my best friend in the whole world for you, and I did that, didn’t I? And you promised you would keep Jensen out of this mess, didn’t you? DIDN’T YOU?”_

_Patrick just nodded._

_“Then how the fuck did Jensen find out about these pictures?"_

_"I don't know. He came over one night to my place, all mad, because he was mad at you. He was fucking out of his mind, Jared, I swear. He came over, started trashing the place and found those pictures. He threatened to give them to the press just to get you back. That's it man. I'm not the enemy here, your friend is."_

_Jared had to admit Patrick’s story made sense. He had fired Jensen and he was mad enough to want to get back at Jared. He hated Patrick’s guts and he would take any opportunity he could to take Patrick out. Jensen was not like that though. Jared knew his best friend. No matter how hurt Jensen was, he would never do that to Jared._

_"I don't believe a goddamn word that comes out of your mouth Patrick, not one word."_

_"But it's the truth, I swear!"_

_"Give me one good reason why I should believe you. You have fucking blackmailed me with those pictures, haven’t you?"_

_"Only to make you see the bond we have together, man. I let you fuck me, didn’t I? That should tell you that we got trust, baby. I have been there for you a lot, Jared. I have and I know that I have done some questionable things but I swear that I've never lied to you about this."_

_“You fucking took advantage of me when I was out of it. I was fucking mad at Jensen, and you took me out for drinks, and then you let yourself in my fucking hotel room with a fucking lie about losing your room keys and fucked with me. What kind of a messed-up shit is that?”_

_"Your ass wasn't complaining when we were kicking it though. And don’t blame it on the liquor. You could have stopped me if you wanted to, but you didn't."_

_"Just tell me why the fuck you are here, Patrick."_

_"Right to the point. I like that about you, man," Jared felt a cold shiver all over his body, “I want my job back."_

_“Are you out of your mind? You think I would put my career in your hands?”_

_“Your career is already in my hands, pal. Just remember that I’ve got those pictures and I have the power to fuck with you and your career.”_

_"You son of a bitch!" Jared wanted to beat the crap of that sleazy fucker. Patrick ignored Jared and began speaking again, "And I want twenty percent of the sales of your new album in cash, upfront as soon as they cut you a check unless you want these pictures in every tabloid."_

_Jared was backed up in a corner and did not know what to do. Suddenly Jared wished Jensen was there with him. He would know what to do. Jensen._

_“I’m serious, Jared. Don't think I won't do this shit.”_

_“Just tell me one thing, you son of a bitch! Were you involved in any kind of way In Jensen’s incident? Did you give those pictures of his to the tabloid?”_

_Jared got his answer in Patrick’s sick smirk as Patrick got in his car, driving off._

_Jared just stood there, thinking about Jensen, wondering if he knew about the blackmail. He wondered if Patrick had threatened him too. He finally understood that what had happened to Jensen had been entirely his fault. His face was on every tabloid just because he was a big part of Jared’s life. This was Jared’s shit. He had brought this on Jensen and on himself. He would be damned if he would let Patrick fuck with Jensen’s life again, even if he had to ruin his own life and career, even if he had to walk out of Jensen’s life just to keep him safe, he would. He would make sure Jensen was safe from Patrick’s threats._

_[/Flashback]_

 

As the captain announced over the speakers that they were soon landing, Jared promised himself that he would not think about any of that as long as they were in Hawaii. All he wanted to concentrate on was being with Jensen and making sure they both had a good time.  



	15. Leap of Faith - Chapter 15

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> None of this would be possible and readable without my awesome beta, [](http://bigj52.livejournal.com/profile)[bigj52](http://bigj52.livejournal.com/)  . I learn from you everyday.

Hawaii was heaven, Jensen decided from the first day they lay on the white beaches under the warm sun. The place had an absolutely soothing and positive effect on Jensen and he promised himself he would just enjoy his time there for as long as Jared and he stayed.  He had managed to get sunburned but otherwise he was having a good time.  Hanging out at the beach was wonderful. Both Jensen and Jared relaxed all day, lazing around, sitting underneath the umbrella for shade once the sun became unbearable, sipping colored drinks with umbrellas in them, swimming, talking and laughing. For over seven hours, they relaxed in the sun, just enjoying being together.

Jared lay down on his stomach and then went to reach for his drink, “I can’t reach my drink. Can you hand it to me?”

“Sun made you lazy,” Jensen joked as he reached over and grabbed Jared’s drink, noticing Jared’s enticing backside. Before he could stop himself he purposely poured a little on Jared’s back.

“Hey,” Jared whined while doing a little shake, “Watch it! That’s cold!”  
   
“Sorry! Maybe I’ve had a few too many drinks,” Jensen said with a blush.

“I think it’s the sun. Your face is all red. You might want to get out of the sun," Jared said with a wink.

"Thanks," Jensen said as he grabbed his towel and wrapped it around his waist.

"Are you going back to the room now?"

"Yeah, I'm a little drowsy from all this sun.  I should give Chris a call.”

"Yeah, Chris," Jared mumbled, not at all pleased.

"Are you coming?"

"No. I’ll stay for a while. I'll see you in a few."

"OK,” Jensen said as he turned to walk away. He could feel Jared’s eyes on him and it made him all hot and bothered.

Jensen walked into their hotel room.  The room was really spacious:  Two bathrooms, a Jacuzzi, a mini bar, a kitchenette with a door separating their bedrooms and a fantastic view of the ocean. 

Jensen felt hot and sticky from spending so much time in the ocean and on the sand, so he decided to take quick shower.  Ten minutes later he stepped out of the shower feeling refreshed.  His skin felt dry from the sunburn, and that was when he remembered he had forgotten to pack any lotion for himself. Jensen remembered seeing a bottle of moisturizer in Jared’s bedroom last night and walked to his room to take the bottle. Just as he bent down on the floor to dig it out of Jared’s bag Jared walked in.

Jared just stood there surprised, staring at his friend. Jensen jumped up quickly and made a beeline for his bedroom, slamming the door and locking it behind him. The damage had been done though and Jared had seen all that there was to see.

Jared walked up to the door and lightly tapped on it.

"Jensen?"

“Go away!”

“Come on, Jensen. It’s OK.”

When Jensen did not reply, Jared knocked again.

“Jensen? Can I come in?”

“GO AWAY!”

“OK. OK,” Jared whispered as he distanced himself from the door and sat down on the sofa in the small living area of the hotel room. Five minutes later, he heard the door being unlocked, and when Jensen did not walk in Jared slowly stood up and walked over to the door, slowly opening it. Jensen was sitting on his bed, this time fully dressed with his back to the door.

“Hey,” Jared whispered softly.

“Hey,” Jensen whispered back and looked over his shoulder at Jared, "I overreacted. Sorry."

"It's OK," Jared said as he sat down on the bed next to Jensen, “Are you alright?”

"Except for my dry skin and the carpet burn on my leg, I think I'll be fine."

"Let me see."

"Jared,-"

"I said let me see," Jared repeated, a little more forcefully. Jensen rolled his eyes as he showed Jared his dry skin and his scraped knee.

"I think I have first-aid cream in my bag."

"Jared,-"

"Don't argue with me, Jensen. Just wait here,” Jared said as he went to his room and came back with the cream.

"Let me dress it for you," Jared said. Jensen moved further up the bed, with his back against the headboard. Jared sat back down on the bed and placed Jensen’s foot on to his lap and started to apply cream to Jensen’s skin.

"Are you OK?"

"Um,” Jensen mumbled, “Yeah… I…..just, um, nothing,"   Jensen seemed embarrassed and for some reason Jared was amused by that.

As Jared gently spread the cream on his foot Jensen’s skin felt soft to his touch and not for the first time he found himself wanting to touch it, to caress it.  He looked up at Jensen’s face looking for any sign of complaint. Jensen’s eyes met Jared’s and held his gaze. Jared did not want to let it go, not this time, not anymore. He stopped applying cream and just held Jensen’s leg in his lap.

Jensen found himself unable to look away even though he knew he probably should. He felt Jared’s eyes moving up his thigh, to his shorts,  and on to his  crotch, and he just sat there. It was all he had ever wanted from Jared but he was not brave enough to stop it, even though he assumed Jared would regret it later. Jensen kept looking into Jared’s eyes as he stroked him, wishing that moment would never end.

_Oh shit!  Holy shit!_

Jared shouted in his head as he just sat there, staring at Jensen. He could not believe that he had allowed himself to get into this situation.  He was a moron.  He should have more self-control. He was going down that path again with another guy. No - not with another guy, with his best friend in the whole world.  The emotion he was feeling inside were nothing compared to what had happened before and for the first time in his life Jared admitted to himself that this was what he wanted, what he had always wanted.

Jensen was close.  Jared’s hands felt so warm, so soft against him, and finally  Jensen exploded all over Jared’s hand.  He was at a loss for words.  No words could explain how he felt at that moment.

Relieved. Ecstatic. Nervous. Afraid.

Jensen waited for Jared to speak first, to mark the territory and set the tone but Jared was silent, his face blank. That was when Jensen knew Jared thought what had happened was all a mistake. Jensen was heartbroken.

Finally after a few minutes of silence, Jared gently removed his hand, wiping it on a nearby towel and walked out of Jensen’s bedroom without a word. Soon Jensen heard the hotel room door being opened and closed.

_What the fuck!  What the fuck!_

Jared ran down the hotel corridor and down the stairs. He just needed to get out of there, as far away as fast as he could, away from that room and Jensen. He just wished he could get away from their memories and from what had just happened between them as well. Jared could not believe he had the balls to do that with Jensen.  What the fuck was he thinking?! He knew he could not be there for Jensen, in Jensen’s life like that. It was too much of a risk, especially with having Patrick in his life and on his back. He would not do that to Jensen, jeopardize Jensen’s life and career like that. He would not hurt Jensen like that. Although when he thought about it he had just hurt Jensen, running like a fucking idiot and leaving him by himself.  He wondered what Jensen thought of him.  He was desperate to check on Jensen but knew he could not go back in that room, at least not yet. So he ran down the stairs and walked to the hotel bar, willing himself to think of anything and anyone but Jensen.

 _______________________________

 

It was 2:30 am when Jensen heard the hotel room door open.  He had paced his hotel room the whole time since Jared walked out, unable to go to bed, waiting up for Jared, worried about him, scared that Jared might do something stupid he would regret later. Jensen would rather have Jared right there in that room with him, mad as Hell, calling him a stupid faggot and every other name under the sun than not knowing where Jared was. So, hearing Jared walking into the room had been quite a relief for Jensen.

_Thank you, God! At least he is OK and safe._

As Jensen climbed in the bed and pulled the covers over himself he heard a knock come from the adjoining room, Jared's room. Jensen considered not answering, letting Jared think he was asleep but decided against it.

He approached the door and slowly opened it, stepping aside so that he was not directly in front of Jared.

"You OK?” Jared asked.

"Yeah,” Jensen lied, glad for the darkness. That way Jared could not see through his lie as he always did.

"You sure?"

"Yeah."

"Well, uh, good night."

"Night," Jensen said and he hastily closed the door and double bolted it.  Only a few minutes into sleep he heard a gentle knock again. Jensen dragged himself out of bed and made his way over to the door.  He unlocked each bolt carefully and as the last bolt came undone, he opened it.

"What?"  Jensen asked, his eyes half closed.

No answer came from Jared.

"Come on man, it's almost three and I'm tired."

Still no answer.

"What the hell do you want?" Jensen finally said opening his eyes and looking up at Jared just in time to see Jared’s face closing in on his. Before Jensen could protest, Jared’s lips had found his in the darkness.  Jared’s tongue met Jensen’s half way as Jensen allowed Jared into his mouth, something that Jared took full advantage of. Jensen could feel the heat from Jared’s body through his clothing.

"Take them off," he whispered huskily.

Jared’s lips still held Jensen’s hostage as he tried to kiss and strip at the same time.  Jensen started helping Jared, unbuckling then pulling down his jeans to his ankles and then pulling Jared’s  t-shirt over his head and as quickly as before, returning his lips to Jared’s.  Before long Jared’s jeans and underwear were lying on the floor and he was naked, on Jensen’s bed, with Jensen's body on top of his. Jared’s lips had left Jensen’s and made its way down to his neck. Jared sucked, nibbled, and licked. Soon Jared noticed Jensen’s erection. He looked up at Jensen and gave him a shy smile.  That was the first time he’d ever seen shyness in Jared’s face. Jensen pulled away from Jared just long enough to take off his shirt and then his shorts and soon, he was back where he thought he belonged, his body pressed up against Jared.  Jensen could feel Jared’s  cock rubbing up against him and knew then and there that he wanted all of this, he wanted him.

"Do it," Jensen panted out.

"What?"  Jared huskily whispered back.

"You know,-"

"Tell me!"

"Fuck me!" Jensen could barely hear himself and it was as if he was embarrassed to be saying that to Jared but he could not let that get in the way of this, could he?

"What?"

"Fuck, isn't that why you came over?" 

Jared stopped nibbling on Jensen’s neck and looked Jensen in the eye.

"No, I...I wanted to talk."

"Bullshit!"

"No, I really wanted to,-"

Before Jared had a chance to say another word, Jensen pulled Jared back down onto himself.  They could talk any time, any day, any hour, Jensen thought, any other time but not at that moment.  Not when he was that close.

"I don't care. Just fuck me…… please."

Jared gently pushed himself off Jensen and reached to the ground for his shorts, retrieving a condom and lube from one of its' many pockets.  In less than three seconds, he was sheathed and ready for Jensen’s instructions.

“Tell me what you want.”

"You know what to do," Jensen murmured as he pulled Jared onto him, and their lips once again met.  Jensen felt Jared clumsily try to enter his body, once, twice then a third time without any success.

"Let me help," Jensen held Jared’s condom-covered  cock in his hand. He guided it to his opening and then ever so gently pushed the head in.  Jared seemed to find his way from there without any help and before long they were fucking like wild animals, minus the noise.  Jensen could feel Jared’s eyes burning a hole into his but he refused to look up at Jared, choosing instead to enjoy the moment.  They kissed, fondled and fucked as if their lives depended on it. Around twenty minutes later after Jared had finally found the release he’d been craving, he crumbled onto Jensen. Jensen could feel the sweat between their bodies and unlike that afternoon, he had no urge to take a shower.

"You OK?" Jared whispered, nibbling on Jensen’s neck.

"Yeah.  You?"

"Yeah." 

They were silent for a few minutes.

"Jensen?"

"Yeah."

"I don't know what to say."

"I don't either."

"But,-"

"But what?"

"Shouldn't I say something?"

"No, it's not necessary."

"But,-"

"It's OK, Jared.  Just do one thing for me."

"What?"

"Stay the night." 

"Yes," Jared whispered without hesitation and cuddled up to Jensen.  



	16. Leap of Faith - Chapter 16

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> None of this would be possible and readable without my awesome beta, [](http://bigj52.livejournal.com/profile)[bigj52](http://bigj52.livejournal.com/)   . I learn from you everyday.

When Jared woke up the next morning, Jensen was still fast asleep. Jared took a look at the man lying beside him, and his thoughts drifted back to the night before. It had been something totally new to him and on a different level - a totally different experience from the one he shared with Patrick. For one, it had not been a one-sided fuck as it had been with Patrick.  He had been careful the whole time, concerned whether he was hurting Jensen or not.  Secondly, they had cuddled afterwards, something Jared had never done, not with anyone, ever.  It was all so new to him and yet Jared had felt the most comfortable that he had ever been in his life.  Jared lay there, feeling awkward, unsure and scared.  He did not know what was expected of him. He was not sure where they were going from there. Finally he sat up in bed, hurriedly pulled on his boxers and a t-shirt.  He took one look back at Jensen and then made his way to the adjoining door, opening it and without looking back, gently closed it.

Later that morning as he heard the shower in Jensen’s room turn off, he finally found the nerve to walk to Jensen’s door and knock.

"Hi," Jared said timidly, not quite looking Jensen straight in the eye.

"Hey," Jensen replied.

"I’m going down for breakfast. Do you want me to bring you back something?"

"Oh," Jensen said, shocked, "No thanks, I'll just go down with you."

"OK.  Well, then I'm going to make a few phone calls to check our flight reservations for tomorrow. I'll meet you downstairs,"

As soon as Jensen closed the door, he ran to the phone and called Chris.

He answered on the third ring.

"What?" Chris’ voice sounded groggy as if he had just woken up.

"Chris? I’ve got to talk to you."

"Now?"

"This is an emergency, Chris," Jensen said as he heard Chris sigh.

"OK. So what's so fucking important you have to call me at nine on a Sunday morning?"

Jensen apologized before telling Chris about the details of his encounter with Jared.

"Holy shit!” was Chris’s only response.

"Yeah, I know."

"OK! OK! Just calm down, Jen, OK? Jared is straight. He just doesn't have the capacity to look at things the way we do."

"Doesn't fucking a gay man make him not so straight?"

"Who knows? It might have been a one-time thing for him."

"Thanks," Jensen whispered, dejected.

"I didn't mean it like that, babe.  It's just that you have to prepare for the worst.  Jared's probably all messed up right now.  He just fucked his best friend; it's a huge fucking step for him."

"I know that, but how the hell does he think I feel?"

"You guys need to sit and talk about this. Just…go and talk to him and call me tonight, OK?"

"Tonight?"

"Yeah, I’ve got company today."

"Who?"

"None of your business!  I’m going back to bed. Just call me, OK?

"Fine!"

"Good luck, Jenny," Chris said and hung up.

"Thanks."

Jensen walked to the hotel restaurant and sat across from Jared, who was eating breadfruit and salt fish. Not once did Jared look up from his plate to acknowledge Jensen. Jensen noticed that Jared was trying really hard to avoid him. Jared kept looking at the tourists and strangers while Jensen poured himself a cup of coffee. 

"So what time do we leave?" Jensen asked, finally breaking the unnerving silence.

"Huh?"

"The flight? When is it?"

"Oh, um...I don't know."

"I thought you said you would call."

"Yeah but, uh, I was thinking I would catch a flight back tonight.  Things aren't going so well with production on the album."

Jensen knew that was a total lie. Jared was just seeking a way out. He was planning on leaving the island, probably without him.

"Is this about last night?"

Jensen noticed Jared’s hand shaking as he reached for his orange juice. The glass slipped from Jared’s fingers and spilled on the table. Jared cursed under his breath as he watched the juice slowly spreading all over the table.

"Shit!"  Jared suddenly called out, hissing his teeth as he grabbed his napkin and dabbed at it, again avoiding looking at Jensen.

Jensen did not think he could take this anymore. He threw his napkin on the table, and walked out of the restaurant back to his room, and spent the rest of the day locked up there.

At around six that evening a knock woke him up. He dragged himself out of bed and walked to the door and opened it. Jared stood in front of him, dressed in a polo shirt and Jeans.

"What's going on?"

"I’ve booked a nine-thirty flight tonight."

"What happened to the reservations for tomorrow?"

"I still have them. If you want to go back tomorrow it's yours but I’ve got to get back tonight."

"Um, OK. Have a safe flight," Jensen said without any emotion evident in his voice. Jared simply nodded as he walked away and to his own room. He knew he had turned that dream vacation into a living Hell for both of them. He knew he was being selfish, but at the same time he was confused and uncertain.  At the very back of his mind, he was sure that Jensen was hurting too but as long as he kept that tidbit way back there, Jared knew he would not have to confront it, at least not for the moment,.

 

 _______________________________

 

"Chris!" Jensen called as he spotted Chris in the terminal searching the countless faces, waiting for Jensen to arrive.

"Chris!"  He spotted Jensen and walked up to his friend, embracing him tightly, "You OK?"

"Yes, I'm fine."

"No, you're not. I can see it in your eyes."

Jensen did not know what to answer, and apparently Chris did not expect an answer.

"Don't worry.  I'm taking you home with me and then we're going to order some food and then we'll talk." 

Jensen just nodded and followed alongside Chris, his luggage in tow.

Next to Chris’s car stood a familiar man.  He turned back to Jensen and smiled before taking off. Jensen looked at Chris quizzically, as the man came up to Jensen, stretching out his hand.

"Hi Jensen.”

“Hi Dr.Collins,” Jensen said, confused, which made Misha laugh.

“Just call me Misha."

“Yeah, OK.”

“Let me put your suitcase in the trunk and then we can be on our way.”

Chris and Jensen both nodded.

"Chris is so fond of you," Misha whispered as he watched Chris loading the luggage in the car.

"So he says."

"Well, I can testify to that.  Everything we talk about is ‘Jensen this’ and ‘Jensen that’ and I have to admit that sometimes I'm jealous." 

Jensen wanted to laugh. This man was drop-dead gorgeous. What the hell did he have to be jealous about?

"Don't be, Misha. It's not like that, trust me," Jensen said and Misha smiled at him.

"I never got to thank you for what you did for Chris. You really helped him."

"I just did my job. If it wasn't me, it would have been another doctor. I'm just glad I was the one that got his case."

"Ready to go?" 

Chris asked, looking from Jensen to Misha and then back to Jensen again.

"Definitely," Misha answered.

"Sure," replied Jensen.

"Ok, let's hit the road.”

"I have to make a detour first," Chris said as he looked through the rear-view mirror at Jensen who was sitting in the back seat.

"Where?"

Chris glanced in Misha’s direction and smiled.

"Oh," was all Jensen said.

Soon Chris stopped the car in front of a big house, putting it into ‘park’ and then exited via the drivers' door.

Jensen watched through the rearview mirror as Chris embraced Misha and then kissed him on the lips.  It was not as passionate as Chris usually was and Jensen wondered why. He watched as Misha whispered something into Chris’s ear and then kissed him again.  They were definitely enjoying themselves.

Jensen started talking as soon as Misha walked in the house and Chris got back into the car.

“He is a nice guy.”

“Yes.”

“Good looking.”

“Uh- Huh.”

“Great body.”

“Yup.”

"You like him?"

“He's a nice guy.”

“Is that it?”

“What do you want me to say Jensen?”

“He likes you a lot.”

“I know.”

“So what are you going do about it?”

“Nothing.  It will blow over, trust me.”

“How can you be so nonchalant about the whole thing? Don't you even want to know how it might feel to let yourself go with someone?"

“Nope! It’s not like that solution ever worked in your case. I think I am going to stay clear," Chris said with a grin. Jensen stayed quiet, not finding the whole situation a bit funny. Chris noticed the change in his friend.

"I'm sorry I said that Jen. I didn't mean it."

"I know," Jensen whispered.

“I'm sure things will work themselves out for you and Jared, they always do."

"I don't think so Chris. Not this time. I think it’s over between us."

"Hey! Don't be like that.  Just because you guys slept together doesn't mean that you can't be friends.  I mean look at us."

“It's not the same the thing and you know it.”

"Just try to keep in mind how you felt when you were coming out for the first time.”

"It doesn't matter anyway. I’m done with it, all of it."

"What?"

"I said I’m done with it.  It's just too much to deal with."

The rest of the drive to Chris’s place was in silence.

 _______________________________

 

The phone ring woke Jensen up. His hand instinctively went to pick up the phone, forgetting where he was.

“Hello?”

That was when Jensen remembered he was at Chris’s place and on his phone. He knew he should hang up but also knew they would have heard the click if he did.

"Hey! Am I calling too early?" Jensen recognized Misha’s voice.

"No, I'm up.  What’s up?"

"Well, I….uh…I … I called to let you know that my parents are in town for the rest of the week."

"That's nice!"

"Yeah, well I… um… I thought that maybe we could…..um cancel our date Saturday night."

"No problem.  You should spend that time with your family.”

"Yeah. I want to take them sightseeing on Saturday morning and then to a play later on in the evening…."

"Good plan,” Chris interrupted.

"I was …I was hoping that, you'd like to come along."

Jensen flinched. He knew there was no happy ending to this conversation.

"Chris?" asked Misha, “Are you there?”

"Yeah. What… what did you say?"

"Do you want to meet my family, Chris?"

"I don't know, Misha."

"I know it's a big step, but I want you to meet them. I’ve…I’ve told them all about you."

_Uh oh! You’re scaring him, Misha._

"I...I can't."

"Why not?"

"Because,-"

"Because?"

"Because Jensen needs me!" 

_What?! Chris, buddy, you and I have to have a talk about this!_

“Oh,” Misha said dejected, “Maybe some other time then?”

“Yeah, OK.  Shouldn't you be on call, Misha? It’s almost one.”

“Yeah, I didn't realize it was so late.  I'll talk to you later.”

“Yeah, bye.”

Hastily Jensen put the phone back and grabbed a magazine from the nightstand, pretending to be reading it.

“Next time, at least keep your fucking breathing down, alright? I could hear you from start to finish,” Chris yelled as he walked into the guest room where Jensen was supposed to be sleeping.

"Chris, I,-"

"Save it, Jensen. I’m not in the fucking mood to listen to your fucking lectures, alright?"

"Why didn't you say ‘yes’?"

"Because I didn’t want to."

"Chris!"

"What?"

"You're a fucking jerk!” Jensen said with a hint of a smile in his voice.

"I know," Chris said as he sat down on the bed, next to Jensen.

"I think he loves you."

"I know."

"Then why are you being such a jerk to him?"

"Because I am a jerk and the sooner he realizes that, the better. He won’t get hurt that way."

"Why does it have to be like that, Chris?"

"Misha wants more from me than I'm willing to give, Jensen."

"I thought you liked him."

"I do, OK? I do, but I don't want to meet his fucking parents. I’m not going to let you talk me into it either!" Chris said and walked out again.

Jensen knew what Misha was going through, wanting someone who did not want him back, and he hated Chris as much as he hated Jared for treating someone as sweet and caring as Misha like that. Why did men have to be such jerks?

Half an hour later Jensen and Chris were eating brunch and watching MTV’s interview with Adam Lambert.

"Dude, he is one hot-looking bastard!"

Jensen laughed at Chris’s comment and shook his head.

"Yeah, if you like that type,” Chris looked at Jensen, surprised.

"You don't think he's hot?"

"I didn't say that.  I just said if that's what floats your boat..."

"Dude! No wonder we didn't work out!" 

Jensen did not know why those words hurt him. He suddenly went quiet.

"I didn't mean it, man! You know that."

"Yeah," Jensen sighed and took a sip of his coffee.

"We never really talked about it, did we?"

"Chris! Just… let it go."

Jensen was not sure he wanted to know the real reason why he was rejected by Chris in the first place.

"Come on, Jensen."

"I really don't want to talk about it."

"I've never gotten over the way I treated you or your feelings, you know?" Chris said, suddenly sounding so serious.

"It's OK,-"

"No! It's not!  I was a fucking asshole and I just can’t figure out how you can stay in the same room with me."

"Because you’re my friend, dude. That’s what friends do for each other."

“Yeah. You did it for me, you did it for Jared. You must really love him."

"I love you too, Chris."

"Smooth, Jensen, really smooth! I’m not going to let you change the subject though,” Chris said and Jensen groaned trying hard not to blush, “Your face gets all red and your eyes shine whenever you hear his name or talk about him. Just like now!”

"Stop it, man! You're embarrassing me."

“Jensen?”

"Yeah?”

“Is that how I look when I talk about Misha?"

"No, you don't."

"I thought so,” whispered Chris and for a moment Jensen thought he recognized hurt in Chris’s eyes, “He loves me, you know. He told me so."

"When?"

"Last week."

"What did you say?"

"I said ‘thanks’."

“Thanks?! You said ‘thanks’?!”

"What the fuck was I supposed to do? I was petrified!”

"Of what?! He just told you how he felt, that’s all! It’s called communication, dude! You do that when you are in a relationship.”

"I’m NOT in a fucking relationship with anybody!  We fucked a few times and went out for dinner once or twice, that's it!"

"You're an asshole, Chris!" Jensen said as he got up from the chair and walked into the guestroom with Chris right on his heels.

"Why are you all bent out of shape about this?  It has nothing to do with you."

"I just don't like seeing guys like Misha get fucked over because guys like you can't make up their fucking minds."

"Oh! Give me a fucking break!  This isn't even about me and Misha! It’s about you and Jared!"

"Fuck off, Chris! Fuck you and fuck Jared! You and Jared deserve each other.  Neither of you can make up your fucking mind, and for that, people like Misha and I have to suffer."

"Come on, man! Why do you even care about Misha? You don’t even know him.”

"He saved your life, Chris. Doesn’t that mean anything to you?  The least you could do is to be a fucking man and tell him you're not interested."

"Well, thank you for your advice, Jensen, but I don't need it. You don’t have half my experience. You…you just don’t know what you’re talking about, OK? Plus, I think I know what I’m doing.”

When Jensen stayed quiet Chris just shook his head.

“Jensen?”

“Fine! But I want you to call Misha and tell him what's up, OK?

"Fine, but two can play this game. So why don’t you tell Jared what the deal is here? I want to hear you tell him what's up." 

Jensen groaned.

"Fine."

"Fine."

Jensen reached for the phone and handed it to Chris.

“Now?” Chris asked surprised.

“Right now!”

  



	17. Chapter 17

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> None of this would be possible and readable without my awesome beta, [](http://bigj52.livejournal.com/profile)[bigj52](http://bigj52.livejournal.com/)  . I learn from you everyday.

“Hello, may I speak to Dr. Collins, please?” Chris said over to the phone as he looked over at Jensen, “Yes. I’ll hold.”

Jensen smiled at his friend reassuringly, showing him that he was doing the right thing.

"Misha? Hey, it's me,” Chris said as he put the phone on speaker so Jensen could hear their conversation.

“Hi Chris. I was waiting for your call.”

“Yeah, well I've been busy.”

“With Jensen?”  Jealousy was obvious in Misha’s voice, “How is he?”

“Fine. Listen, I…I wanted to talk about what happened the other day."

“The other day?”  Misha asked.

“Yeah, I think there’s been a misunderstanding between us.”

“Chris, I… I have this feeling that you're ignoring me on purpose, and I don’t remember doing anything wrong to deserve being treated that way.”

“I know,” Chris whispered.

“I understand if you don't want to see me anymore.”

“It's not like that, Misha.”

"Then what is it like? I feel like you’re playing a game here with me, and dude, I am too old for that. I have been upfront with you about everything from the beginning. So why can’t you?”

“I’ve been honest with you since the first day, Misha.  I told you I wasn't ready for a relationship, didn’t I?”

“But you knew that I was and yet you fucked me.”

“Are you saying this is my fault?

“No, I'm not blaming you but…just… just forget it, OK?  You want to break up with me, right? Then go ahead and say it. My patients are waiting for me.”

“I'm sorry it had to be this way, Misha.”

"Whatever. Is it…is it because I said I loved you?  Is that the reason you're breaking it off?”

“Misha, I-“

“I have to go, I'm on call,” Misha said and hung up.

Chris glared at Jensen.

"You happy now?  He's probably gonna kill someone in the surgery now because of me! Fuck! I should have never listened to you!”

“You did the right thing, Chris.”

“Fuck you and fuck the right thing!”

“Hey!  Don't cop an attitude with me because you’re feeling guilty.”

“I’m not feeling guilty!”

“Oh yeah, I think you are. You know what else I think? I think you dumped Misha because you could not control things with Misha. It’s always Chris’s way or the highway. That’s your fucking problem.”

"I don't have a fucking problem!" Chris yelled and with that, he walked into his bedroom and slammed the door shut.

 

 _______________________________

 

It was not until later that evening that Chris finally emerged from his bedroom. Jensen could tell that Chris was still annoyed with him for making him call Misha. Jensen sighed and wondered how long Chris was going to ignore him like that. He watched as Chris pulled out a pack of ‘Lays’ chips from the pantry and walked out to the living room with the chips and a beer.

“Is that what you're going to eat for dinner?” Jensen asked, which Chris decided to ignore.

“Oh, come on, Chris! You don’t talk to me now? Is that how things are going to be?” Again Chris ignored Jensen and turned the television on.

"Fine!  Be that way! I don’t give a,-“

Before Jensen had the chance to finish his sentence, the sound of the door bell echoed throughout the apartment.

“Shit! Just what I fucking need right now!” Chris groaned before walking to the door. Jensen sat there, waiting for the argument he knew he would soon hear if that was Misha at the door. A few seconds later he heard his name being called.

“What?” Jensen called back.

“It's for you” Jensen heard Chris say. Curiously he walked to the front door and stopped dead in his tracks. 

"Jared," Jensen whispered.

“Can I talk to you for a minute, Jensen?”

“Yeah, sure. Come on in,” Jensen said.

“Hey! This is my place, you know,” Jensen heard Chris say and turned red, suddenly feeling guilty for his selfishness.

"Chris, I… I know I fucked up the other day and I'm sorry," Jensen could not believe his ears. Was Jared actually apologizing to Chris? To _Chris_ of all people?

Chris just nodded his head, his face remaining unchanged. Then he nodded at Jared to come in and without a word, he walked into his bedroom and closed the door.

Jensen led Jared to the living room and they took a seat across from one another.

“How have you been?” Jared asked, and Jensen wondered if Jared really wanted an honest answer to that question.

“Alive.”

“Oh!” Jared said as he stared at the floor, “I'm sorry.” 

“Yeah,” Jensen answered wondering what Jared was sorry for. Was he sorry about what had happened between them in Hawaii? Was he sorry for how he had left after that?

“I’m here because,-” Before Jared had a chance to finish his words, the doorbell rang again. Jensen waited for Chris to emerge his bedroom and open the door. Chris never came out.

The doorbell rang again and again.

“Chris!” Jensen heard someone calling from the other side of the door.

"Shit, it’s Misha!" Jensen groaned.

The doorbell rang again.

“Chris! It’s for you.”

“Shit! Tell him I'm in the shower. I can't deal with this shit right now.”

Jensen looked across at Jared who was obviously confused. Jensen smiled apologetically and walked to the door and opened it.  Jensen sensed that Misha’s face hardened the moment he saw Jensen.

“Is…is Chris home?”

“Um...yeah but …um…he's in the shower.”

“Fine! I'll wait then,” Misha said as he pushed past Jensen and walked in. Jensen sighed and closed the door.

“I'll tell him you're here,” Jensen said and walked into Chris’s room.

Jared sat there looking at the familiar face of the stranger who seemed to be in quite a bad mood. He wished that Jensen would come back soon so they could resume their talk. He wanted to get things fixed between them and reduce all that tension. He looked at the stranger and thought about initiating small talk.

“Hey,” Jared said

“Hi,” Misha replied, with a look of recognition on his face, “You're Jared, right? The singer?”

“Yeah, I am. You look pretty familiar to me. Have we met before?”

“Um…probably not. My name is Misha Collins,” Misha said and stretched his hand out to Jared who shook it.

“Oh, Dr. Collins! You’re Jensen’s doctor. I remember now.”

“Shit!  It's you.”

“What?”

“You're the one who put Chris in the hospital!”

“Um…well, Chris and I, -”

“You don't need to explain anything to him, Jared.”

Jared turned around and found Chris standing in the hallway with Jensen right next to him.

“What are you doing here, Misha?”

Jared could not remember a time he had seen Chris that scary.

“I…I wanted to talk to you.”

“I said all there was to be said on the phone.”

Jared noticed Jensen motioning over to the corridor with his eyebrow.

“Um, excuse me,” Jared said and quickly got up and walked over to Jensen. He did not want to be any part of that conversation.

Jensen reached over and took Jared’s hand in his, leading him down the corridor into the guest room.  Jared stared at their intertwined fingers and felt a strange sensation rushing through his veins.

Once Chris was sure Jensen and Jared were in Jensen’s room, he turned his head and looked at Misha.

“What can I do for you, Misha?”

“After everything you and I have been through, is that the first thing you want to tell me?”

“Misha!”

“What?”

“Don’t start.”

“’Don’t start’? It’s too fucking late, Chris. It’s already started!” Misha shouted before taking a deep breath and trying to calm himself down, “I just don't get it. What did I do wrong? What did I say?”

“You didn't do or say anything wrong, Misha. I just don't want a relationship.”

“Oh come on, Chris. At least be a man and tell me the fucking truth.”

“What?”

“Everything was fucking fine until your little friend came back from his trip and then suddenly you’re not interested in me anymore. I’m not stupid, Chris. I can see what’s going on here.”

“This has _nothing_ to do with Jensen. Things have not been OK between us for a while now.”

“I’m your fucking lover, Chris. Don’t you think you should have talked to me about this first?”

Chris looked into Misha’s eyes, remembering all the good times they had together. He wondered if he was making a mistake. He wondered if his doubts and insecurities were worth losing the gorgeous man standing right in front of him.

“Misha,-”

“No, at least listen to what I have to say.  I love you, Chris.  You know that and you know that I’m not the type of man who would say that just to fucking anybody. I know I have not done anything wrong until now. I have never lied, never been unfaithful to you, and I know the sex was good.”

“This is not about the sex.”

“Yeah, obviously!  You got what you wanted from me and now you want someone else.”

"If all I wanted with you was just sex Misha, I would have dumped you a long time ago.”

“Then what is this about?”

Chris was trapped in a corner and he did not like it one bit. He did not like to be manipulated, not by someone like Misha. He wanted Misha off his back and soon. So he said something he knew was not fair , not right, and not even the truth.

“Misha, the bottom line is things are fucking over between us, OK? The sex was great yeah, but you are not the best I’ve had, you know. I don’t want to get tied down. It’s just not me.”

“When have I ever tried to tie you down? I just want a relationship with you, man.  That’s it.”

“Well, I don't want this.  I don't want the ‘happily ever after fairy-fucking-tale’. I like bars. I like strip clubs. I like one-night stands.  I like my freedom. I can’t picture you in that lifestyle, Misha. You were just a fuck, a good one, I admit, but just a fuck, nothing more, and nothing less.”

Suddenly, Chris felt Misha’s fist against his face.

"You have the fucking nerve to call me a ‘just a fuck’ after everything we shared together? Well, fuck you Chris! Have a nice fucking life!” Misha yelled and spun around and walked out.

 

 _______________________________

 

Once they were inside the room, Jensen let go of Jared’s hand and closed the door.

“What’s going on between those two?”

“I’m not sure even Chris has an answer to that,” Jensen said, “What are you doing here?”

“I… I wanted to see how you were doing.”

“Good, really good!” There was something in Jensen’s voice that made Jared sure that he was not good, not one bit, not at all.

"Jensen, I-"

“We don't have to talk about this, Jared.”

“But,-“

“I don’t want to talk about it, at least not now.”

"OK," Jared whispered, deciding to tell Jensen the real reason he had come over in the first place, “Jensen, I…I want to ask you something.”

Jensen seemed hesitant but nodded his head anyway.

“Has Patrick ever, in any way, threatened you about anything?” Jared asked and noticed how Jensen suddenly looked so pale. He had his answer right there.

“No,”

“Jensen, are you sure?”

“Yeah,” Jensen whispered and Jared knew it was a lie.

“Jensen? It's really important that I know this, OK?”

“Why?”

“Shit man! Don’t make this any harder than it already is. Has he threatened you or not?”

"Fuck!  I said NO!” The frightened look on Jensen’s face told Jared everything he needed to know and he vowed he would take revenge.

“Fine! You don’t have to yell at me like that, dude!”

“I'm sorry.  It's just that…I have a lot on my mind right now,” Jensen said apologetically and Jared knew he was one of those things.

“It's OK.  I should probably go,” Jared said and he could swear he saw Jensen’s face fall, “Jensen? Aren’t you coming home?”

“Not now, Jared. Chris needs me. You just saw how things are for him.”

“Yeah,” Jared said and looked away, somewhat hurt.

“Tell Matt that I'm gonna come back to work later on in the week.”

“Sure,” Jared said as he got up, “Jensen?"

“Yeah?”

“We'll talk… later…OK? I promise," Jared said and saw a smile on Jensen’s face that did not reach his eyes.

When they walked outside, they only saw Chris, sitting in the kitchen with his back to them, and no sign of Misha anywhere.

“Chris, you alright?”

“Yeah, m’fine.”

“OK,” Jensen said as he walked Jared to the door, “See you later?”

“Sure,” Jared said walked out of the door, “Bye,” he whispered as he walked away.

Jensen watched Jared walking into the elevator in the corridor and closed the door. He wondered why Jared had asked him about Patrick and his threats. He was afraid Jared had found out about the pictures and was mad at Jensen for not warning him about them. He was afraid Patrick had handed the pictures to the press, but he would have heard about it by then, wouldn’t he? Jensen leant against the kitchen door.

“Chris, you OK?”

“Is he gone?”

“Jared? Yeah,” Jensen said as he walked into the kitchen to sit across from Chris and that was when he noticed Chris’s busted lip.

“Fuck! What the hell happened to your face?” cried Jensen.

“It’s nothing.”

“Did that asshole do that to you?”

“It’s OK, Jensen. I’m fine.”

“No, it’s not. What happened?”

“Not now, Jen.”

“Right now, Chris, right fucking now!”

“OK, OK. I told him he was just a fuck to me, nothing more and nothing less.”

“Oh God, Chris! No wonder he punched you. How would you feel if someone had called you just a fuck?”

“Well, no one will because I have never loved anybody like that and I never will.”

Jensen just sat there and shook his head. He could not blame Misha for what he had done. He did not deserve to be treated like that.

“You're a jerk, Chris. Having someone loving you like that is just the most incredible, most precious thing in the whole fucking world.  There is more to life than fucking, Chris. Do you think you can live like this for the rest of your life? Eventually you are going to get old and no one will pick you at any fucking bar or club. You go on living like this, and you are going to end up miserable and lonely. “

“Oh, for God’s sake, Jensen. Quit lecturing me. You’re not my mother!”

"You are a fucking moron, Chris!  You have the perfect guy, right there, and what do you do? You fucking throw him away and for what? For a different fuck seven days a week," Jensen said and got up from the chair and started walking to his room.

"Unlike you and Misha, I don’t need a fucking babysitter, Jensen. I’m a man, unlike your type who is just as bad and emotional as any woman out there. If you like Misha so fucking much, why don’t you go be his fucking boyfriend?”

Jensen just closed his bedroom door without a word. Chris cursed himself under his breath. He knew Jensen was right. He knew Jensen was just trying to help, so why did he have to go and take it all out on the poor guy?

_Fuck!_

He muttered under his breath and walked to his room, took his keys and wallet and walked out of the apartment. He could not bring himself to be there at that moment. He needed air. He needed to clear his head. Damn! He needed a drink. He decided to hit his usual bar.

“Hey Chris! What’s up, man? Long time, no see,” the bartender addressed Chris as he walked to his usual stool and sat down, “Are you alone? What happened to the good-looking dark-haired guy you were in here with last week?” He asked while pouring Chris his usual Scotch.

"Over and done with, man. You know me,” Chris said as he downed his drink in one gulp, “Pour me another one,” Chris said as he looked over at the man sitting beside him on a stool, obviously drunk, trying to  get off his seat. Chris saw the guy slipping onto the ground, unable to find his balance. Without a thought Chris stretched his arms out,  encircling the man’s waist as he tried to pull away from Chris .

“Get your fucking hands off me, you son of a bitch!” Chris heard the man cry as he pushed Chris away.

“Hey!  I was just trying to help you, you ungrateful piece of shit,” Chris said, letting go of the man. The man hit the ground hard. Before Chris knew what was going on, the drunk man was on his feet and punching him.  A simple attempt to help a drunken jerk quickly turned into a fight and soon the cops were involved. By the time it was over, Chris had ended up with a bottle broken over his head, a sore neck and bruised, sprained ligatures.

“Who started this?”  The cop asked Chris.

“We don't want any problem here, officer.  It was just a simple fight,” the bartender said.

“Stay out of this,” the cop told the bartender, “Tell me what happened.”

“It was a mistake officer.  He thought I was going to attack him," Chris said. The officer stared at Chris, clearly doubting Chris’s statement before walking over to the drunken man. After a while the officer returned to Chris.

“Ok, he confirms your story. Just don't let it happen again.”

“Fine,” Chris said as he tried to stand up, only to feel dizzy and sat back down again.

“I think you should go the hospital and get stitches for that cut on your head.”

“No, it's OK. I’m just a little sore. It's not that bad," Chris said, although his head hurt really bad. He just wanted to go home and forgot that day had ever happened.

“I’m going to take you to the hospital. Just get your coat and let’s go,” the officer said as they left the bar. They drove the nearest hospital: Nashville Hospital.

_Great!_

Chris muttered under his breath. That was just what he needed!

As soon as they stepped into the hospital, a nurse ushered Chris into an examination room.

“A doctor will be with you shortly.”

“I'll be right outside,” The cop said as he left the room and closed the door.

Chris crossed his hands over his chest.  He hated hospitals, especially this one.

“OK. Let’s see what we have here,” Chris heard as the door opened and in walked Misha.

They both stared at each other for a while, until finally Misha walked up to Chris and took a look at the cut on Chris’ forehead.  He put a pair of gloves on, “Lie down on the table.”

"I'm fine!"  Chris protested, refusing to lie down, not in front of Misha anyway.

"It's a deep cut, Chris. Let me examine it," Chris did not expect to hear so much venom in Misha’s voice and was quite surprised.

“OK,” he whispered before lying down.

As Misha gently wiped the blood off the cut with a swab, Chris just looked up into Misha’s face. His jaw was firm, his lips slightly apart and his breathing was heavy on Chris’s face and all Chris wanted to do was to make it all go away, so he closed his eyes.

"I'm going use tweezers to get the glass out of that cut,” Misha said. Chris opened his eyes and Misha finally looked into Chris’s eyes, “It's going to hurt a little."

Chris nodded and shut his eyes tight again, “Just make it quick.”

Soon he felt Misha’s hand on his, again something he had not expected.

“Just calm down, and be still.”

“Fucking easy for you to say,” Chris muttered through clenched teeth.

"Just try to relax and I will try to make it as painless as possible, I promise,” Misha whispered, with his hand still on Chris’s. That was when Chris realized the position he was in. He was at the mercy of a man he had hurt pretty badly earlier and Misha had the opportunity to hurt him just as bad. Instead, Misha was trying to calm him down and be there for him. Chris felt guilty as hell.

"There. All done,” Chris heard Misha say and opened his eyes. Misha was not by his side anymore and that made Chris feel empty.

"It’s over?”

“Yeah. You just need stitches now.”

“Oh, God!”

“What are you, four? You won’t feel anything.”

Chris shuddered at the thought of needles. He hated needles. He always had since he was a little boy.

As soon as Misha started to work, Chris found himself responding to his touch. God! This was not like him. What was happening to him? Misha was just another fuck. He would get over him, like he had done many times with many other men. He could do it. Yes, he could do it.

“Chris?”

“What?”

“It’s over. Here," Misha said as he handed Chris a prescription, "It’s a sedative. It will help you sleep tonight.”

“How about some painkillers?”

“Nope.  You need a good night’s sleep tonight. You’ve had a rough night,” Misha said, looking up from the chart he had in his hand and Chris felt guilty again.

_Why are you being so nice to me, you bastard?_

Misha’s eyes were so tender, and Chris knew he had seen Misha looking at him like that so many nights; every night they had made love.

“Um, I’d better get you something for your lip,” Chris saw the guilt in Misha’s eyes. How could he even feel guilty for punching Chris? It was not like Chris had not deserved it.

“It's OK.  I’m fine.”

“Stop saying you are fine!”

“I…I should probably go. That cop is still waiting for me outside.”

“He's not.”

“How'd you know?”

“Because I know him, Chris.”

“Ex?” Chris was surprised to hear his jealous tone. What was he jealous for?

“Cousin.  The only family I have in town apart from the family you didn't want to meet.”

“I never said I didn't want to meet them, Misha.”

“It doesn't matter anymore, now does it?  Take your prescription to the pharmacy,” Misha said and hurriedly walked out.

When Chris finally got home, Jensen was pacing the living room nervously.

“Where the fuck have you been?” Jensen screamed but stopped as he saw Chris’s bandaged head and rushed to his side, “Hey, are you OK?”

Chris just nodded his head ‘yes’.

“What?  You don’t talk to me now? You leave without saying a word to me and then you come back home at almost dawn, looking like shit and all you do is fucking nod?”

“Jesus Jensen. My head hurts. Quit screaming at me,” Chris muttered as he walked past Jensen and into his room. He was not in the mood to deal with Jensen just yet. He just needed sleep. He needed the warmth of his bed.  



	18. Chapter 18

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> None of this would be possible and readable without my awesome beta, [](http://bigj52.livejournal.com/profile)[bigj52](http://bigj52.livejournal.com/)   . I learn from you everyday.

The next morning, Jensen was freshly showered and making coffee when he heard the phone ring. Not wanting the ringing to wake Chris up, Jensen hurriedly picked up the phone.

“Chris?”

Jensen froze when he heard Misha’s voice.

“Chris is sleeping,” Jensen said, trying not to sound upset. After all Misha did not deserve to be treated like that.

“Oh! Is he any better?”

“I don’t know. He has not been up since he got home this morning.”

“I guess it’s better for him to rest as much as he can.”

“Yeah.”

“Jensen, I…can we talk?”

“About what?”

“I… I felt so threatened by you. I still am, even though things are over between me and Chris”.

Jensen did not quite know what to say to such an honest confession.

“Did you really tell him that you loved him?”

“Yes I did. I meant it. Shit, I still love him, OK?”

“I’m sorry things turned out this way between us, Misha, and I’m sorry that you feel that way about me. I have no idea what I might have said or done that make you feel insecure about me.  I don't want Chris, and he doesn't want me either. Trust me on that one.”

“I  know. He was very upfront about your relationship with him, since the beginning. I guess I was just insecure.”

“You didn't strike me as the insecure type.”

“You’d be surprised,” Misha said with a chuckle, “I…I didn't mean to put my hands on him, Jensen. I'm…I'm not like that. Not at all. I just lost it, you know.  When he said all those things, I just… I felt so used. I didn’t know he could be cruel like that. The Chris I fell in love with is nothing like that.”

“He's not, Misha, not really. I think you made his head spin.  Everything was coming in too fast, too strong and Chris is a control freak. If he feels someone is trying to get under his skin, he pushes them away.  It's his defense mechanism.”

“We could have dealt with it. If he had just opened up to me, we could have found a way.”

“You are too good for him, Misha. I hate to say this, he is my friend and all, but you are too good for him, and if he is too blind to see that, all I have to say is it’s his loss.”

“You think so?”

“Hell, yeah! You're a doctor for crying out loud.  You got money and with your looks you're like a fucking God.”

“Oh, is that so?”

“Absolutely! If my heart had not belonged to someone else, I would have swept you up."

“You're some guy, Jensen. I really wish the best for you and your friend.  Things will work out for you.”

“Oh, so Chris has told you about it, eh?”

“No, he hasn’t. I just saw the obvious connection between you two the other night at Chris’s place,” Misha said as Jensen heard his pager going off from the other end of the line, “Listen I should get going. I have patients to see.”

“Yeah, OK.  So should I tell him that you called?”

“No. I'd rather you didn't.  I'll call him later, OK? Bye.”

As Jensen put the phone back on the cradle, he heard his name being called.

“Jensen,” Chris called again, this time a little louder as he walked out of his room. Jensen decided not to acknowledge him. He was still mad about the night before.

“What? You’re not talking to me now?” Chris said a little annoyed and Jensen enjoyed every minute of it.

“Hello? Jennybear?”

Jensen could not help but let loose a giggle. Chris smiled as he heard Jensen’s little laugh.

“Who was that?”

“Danneel,” Jensen lied, “So, what happened last night?”

Chris’s smile disappeared and he crossed his arms over his chest protectively.

“Come on, Chris. Tell me. I'm worried about you, buddy," Jensen said, waiting for Chris to storm out of the living room, as he usually did at those moments. Instead, Chris sat down next to Jensen on the sofa, keeping his eyes on the floor. Jensen reached over and gently touched Chris’s hand.

“I hate not being in control of a situation, Jensen,” Chris said and paused, as if looking for the words, “I think I deserved what I got. I can be a fucking careless asshole. This is just me, Jensen. It’s just the way I am,” Chris turned his head and saw the confused look on Jensen’s face, “Not with you, Jensen. I have tried really hard not to be that way with you. When I met you I really decided to try to make things work between us. I wanted a relationship with you, I really did. I guess things didn’t work out between us, and somewhere along the way, you became my friend, not my lover. I'm glad it turned out that way.  You are an awesome friend. God, I feel so fucking low right now.”

“Misha?” Jensen asked.

“Yeah. I never wanted things to end this way between us. I swear I didn’t.”

“I don’t really understand why you want to always end things.  What more do you want from Misha?”

“Nothing! Jensen, Misha isn’t even the fucking problem here, I am.”

“What? What do you mean?”

“With every guy I have ever been so far, I have always looked for flaws, for an excuse to find a way out of that relationship and I always found one. With Misha it didn’t happen. He has his own money; a good job; he’s good-looking, great in bed, and has a wonderful personality!  In this case, I am the one with the problem. I'm the one with a fatal flaw and sooner or later Misha would find out about it.”

“I don’t think he would care, Chris.”

“But I would.  I've had so few people who would actually do something for me instead of wanting things from me, you know. It’s always been take, take, and take. You are one of those rare people, and I know Misha was like that too. Instead of taking, he would just give, give and give."

"What’s wrong with wanting to take care of someone you love, Chris?”

“Nothing, but I know if I start something with Misha I would end up hurting him more.”

“So you just dump him without giving him the choice of whether he wants to go through the long haul with you or not?  That is so selfish, Chris.”

"I don’t care. I want him to be happy, Jensen.  I want him to find a nice guy to get married to and live happily ever after. I will be nothing but excess baggage to him, Jensen. I know that.  I'm doing him a favor here, trust me.”

“Tell me one thing then.”

“What?”

“Do you love him?”

“No.”

“No? You are sacrificing your own happiness for his and you still say you don’t love him?”

“I really care for him, but I don't love him. I don’t want to.”

“But could you?”

“I think so, but it won't happen. I'm not going to fuck his life up,” Chris said as he stood up and walked into the kitchen, looking for something to eat.

 _______________________________

 

“Thank you for seeing me at such short notice, Matt,” Jared said as he walked into Matt’s office and shook his hand.

“How can I help you, Jared?”

Jared explained his situation with Patrick for Matt, leaving the pictures and the blackmailing issue unsaid. He was not sure yet if he could really trust him. If there was one thing he really had learnt in the business, it was not to trust anyone.

“So how are you willing to deal with this, son?”

“I'm not paying him one cent, not one!  I’m not giving away what I have worked so hard for just like that.”

“Well, the way I see this, he has absolutely no legal basis to his claim so I don’t really see a problem here.”

“No, trust me, Matt. I've worked with Patrick long enough to know that he always has some...some shit up his sleeve. He's not one to make empty promises.”

“Jared, do you know of any reason why he would be doing this?”

“Because he was my manager and I fired him!” Jared said, hoping he sounded confident enough for Matt to not ask any more questions about the real reason behind Patrick’s demands.

“I know that but if that were the case, why didn’t he just go straight to court?” Matt asked.

“Because he wants to fuck with my head.  He knows me and he knows if he sues and takes things to court and puts me in the spotlight he won’t get a cent out of me,” Jared said, hoping Matt would believe his reasoning.

“Well, it's your call. It's your music, your life, but I think you should go to the cops.  This is plain extortion! Plus, if you give him money now, who's to say he won't come back again and again and again?  It's just too risky.”

“I understand where you are coming from, I do, but if I go to the cops, and the media get a hold of this somehow, Hell will break loose all over again. I think I should deal with this on my own.”

"Jared, don’t you think…..?“

“No, Matt. He has issues with me, not with you.  If he wants to fuck with me, let him fuck with me but I'm not going to let him fuck with you or everyone else.  He thinks that I'm an easy target but I’m not and I'm not going make this into a bigger issue than it has to be.”

“Well, then I think we need to get a couple of entertainment lawyers on hand, somebody you'd feel comfortable with, someone we could trust.  Then I'm going to get the heads of Mercury management in here to discuss possibilities, just in case.  And of course we're going to need your boy in here as soon as possible.”

“Jensen? Why?”

“He _is_ your publicist. He should know what’s going on. We need to have a press release ready just in case the shit hits the fan.  Jensen is the perfect one for that," Matt said, as Jared shook his head ‘no’.

“What's the problem, Jared?”

“I don't want him involved.”

“We can't hide it from him.  He's your publicist.”

“No, he doesn't need to know about this.  Not so soon after the accident.”

“But,-”

“I said ‘no’. I don't want him involved,” Jared said, raising his voice a little.

“Then we need to get you a new publicist, but I still think he needs to know. What if Patrick contacts him?”

“I already talked to him about that.  If Patrick contacts him, he'll tell me."

“OK. I don’t think this is a good idea, but OK.”

“Let me deal with this on my own, Matt.  If I need help I'll tell you.”

“OK, if you think you might be in trouble,-”

“I'll give you a call,” Jared said, then stood up and shook Matt’s hand, “Thanks, man.”

“Any time son, any time.”

 _______________________________

Jared got home later that day, only to find Jensen waiting for him outside his house. Jared parked the car, got out and walked over to Jensen’s car.

“Jensen? What happened?  Are you OK?”

“No...Yes… I don't know. I just needed to get out of Chris’s place. I came over here and you weren’t home.”

“Why didn’t you go right in? You still have the key, don’t you?”

“I do, I just thought…well, you weren’t home and,-”

“You're welcome here any time Jensen, you know that. You don’t need my permission to get inside the house.”

“Thanks,” Was Jensen’s only response.

“Come on in. Would you like something to drink? I can make some coffee.”

“No, I'm OK.  I know you must be busy. I just wanted to rest a little before I go back over there,” Jensen said and Jared saw fear in Jensen’s eyes.

“Do you want to talk about it?” 

Jensen shook his head and slowly made his way into the guest bedroom.  Jared followed behind cautiously. 

“Did he say something to you?”

“Huh?”

“What did Chris say to you?”

“Nothing. He is just being an asshole, like most of the time.”

“Yeah, I know," Jared paused, not sure whether he should reveal his thoughts or not, “Jensen? Why don’t you come back here?  I know we have a lot to resolve but I want you here with me.”

“Yeah, yeah,” Jensen said, obviously not believing Jared.

“It's true, Jen,” Jensen’s eyes softened when he heard Jared calling him ‘Jen’ and smiled. Jared groaned in his head, remembering that smile and those lips and Hawaii. He remembered how it was, how he felt just being there with Jensen, making a dream come true for Jensen, making his own dream come true. No. He could not think about that. He wasn’t sure he could control his actions if he did.

“Thanks Jared, but I think…I think it’s time I went back to my own place. I can’t live with you or Chris forever. I just have to fix a few things over there.”

“Well, why don’t you? Now that you don’t work, you have all the time in the world to do it. Plus I can help you in whatever way I can."

_Fuck, Jared! You and your big mouth!_

Jensen stayed quiet for a while as if he had picked up Jared’s last sentence.

“Yeah, I guess.  We'll have to talk about it.”

“Well, go take a nap. We will go out to dinner when you wake up.”

“Shouldn’t you be at the studio?”

“This album can wait. I just want to spend some time with you tonight,” Jared said, meaning every word, hoping Jensen would sense his sincerity.

“OK. Just…nowhere fancy, OK? I’m not in the mood.”

“As a matter of fact, I was thinking about going to that cozy little restaurant we used to go to when we first moved to Tennessee.”

“Oh, OK,” Jensen said, suddenly extremely curious to know what had prompted that idea in Jared’s head, “I just need to take a nap. Then I’ll take a shower and change,” Jensen said as he looked down at his jeans and crushed t-shirt. Jared would not like to be seen anywhere around him when he looked like that.

“It's a dress-down night Jensen, I promise,” Jared said as if he had read Jensen’s mind, “I just want us to hang out and…talk.”

“OK,” was all Jensen could say as he walked to the guest room and climbed into the bed, finally allowing his eyes to close and his thoughts to wander.


	19. Chapter 19

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> None of this would be possible and readable without my awesome beta, [](http://bigj52.livejournal.com/profile)[bigj52](http://bigj52.livejournal.com/)  . I learn from you everyday.

Jensen and Jared had dinner at the small diner that looked like something from the 50's.  The dinner was the best that Jensen had had in a long time, old music from the 50's and 60's played and the fact that he was there with Jared made it even better. Everything was great about the dinner, except for one thing.

Jared never brought up what he said earlier that day about talking. They talked about everything and anything, but it was not really a _talk-talk_. They talked about Texas and music and the old times. They talked about Jared’s next album. They talked about setting up another writing session some time soon. It seemed like a normal going out to eat thing like they had done a million times before and Jensen was beginning to enjoy it all until he finally heard Jared say, “So, let’s talk.”

Jensen was suddenly nervous and shy.

“Um…Where do you want to start?”

“I really made a mess of our friendship, didn't I?” Jared said sadly.

“It's not all your fault, Jared. We are both to blame here.”

“I think it _is_ all my fault. I knew how you felt and I still went and crossed that line with you in Hawaii.  I'm sorry I treated you that way.  It was never my intention, Jensen.”

“You didn’t hear me complain, not once, did you?  I could have stopped you and I didn’t. I took advantage of the situation.  I was just hoping...I don't know."

“Tell me Jensen, I want to hear it,” Jared said, reaching over the table and taking Jensen’s hand in his, “Let’s just talk and not hold anything back, OK?”

“OK,” Jensen paused to take a deep breath before continuing, “I...I know how I feel about you and I can't change that.  I know that what happened between us was just a one-time thing for you and that it means nothing to you, but,-”

“Is that what you think?” Jared asked, a little annoyed.

“Well, yeah,” Jensen whispered softly. Jared sat back at his chair and shook his head.

“How long have we known each other, man?” Jared asked and Jensen shrugged his shoulder.

“Too long. We have been through hell and back together, and I know I have not been the best of friends to you, but how the hell could you think that what we did meant nothing to me?”

“You…you ran out. You were uncomfortable.”

“Yeah, I ran because I was a fucking coward, but I never, not for a second, thought what happened between us was just a one-time thing, a fling, whatever you want to call it.”

“What was it then?”

Jared was not sure he could answer that.

“Jared?” softly Jensen asked, pleading with his voice for an answer.

“I don't know what it was but I know it was more than that… much more.”

Jensen nodded, suddenly wanting to get out of that place.

“Are you done?” Jared asked, which Jensen answered with a nod, “Are you ready to go back home yet? I have this urge to get the hell out of the city."

“No, we don't have to go back just yet," Jensen said as he looked over at Jared, "Whatever you want to do."

"Sweet," Jared said as he smiled. He paid the bill and they walked out and up to Jared’s car. He unlocked the doors and they both got in, buckling up their seatbelts. He cranked the car up and pulled out of the parking lot.

Jensen sat there, looking out of the window, not saying anything. It was a cloudless night with millions of sparkling stars. They were both quiet until Jared turned the radio up, hearing Adam Lambert’s ‘ _Whataya Want from me_ ’.

"Your song is on," Jensen said as he smiled, looking over at Jared and then back at the road to see a city limits sign, "Where are we going?"

"I'm tired of the city. I just need to get out of it even if it’s just for a few minutes," Jared said as he looked back at the road, "I miss just driving down a quiet road, not worrying about running a red light or breaking a speed limit like when we were back home, don’t you?"

"Yeah, I do," Jensen whispered as Jared looked at him, "You know what I miss?"

"What?"

"I miss Tom. I miss all of us hanging out down by the river on nights after the football games," Jensen said as Jared smiled, turning down another road, looking around, "I always complained about going down there but deep down I really loved it because it was fun and we all got to hang out and not have to worry about any parents or teachers or anything."

"Yeah, that was fun," Jared said as he pulled off of the road, pulling into a driveway where there was an old abandoned house. Jensen looked around, as Jared pulled behind it and parked the truck looking around, "Come on!"

"Come on what?" Jensen asked as Jared unfastened his seat belt, and got out of the truck. He walked around it, letting the tailgate down and looked over as Jensen hopped out of the truck. Jensen walked back to the tailgate, looking at Jared as he hopped up, sitting down on it.

"Come on, sit down," Jared said as Jensen backed up to it, pulling himself up on it and sat down beside him. Jensen looked around, and then looked in front of them, seeing the moon above the skyscrapers and the city of Nashville, "Pretty isn't it?"

"Yeah, it is," Jensen said as he looked at it, "How did you find this place?"

"Just did, driving and talking to you," Jared said as he started to laugh, "I needed to get some fresh air. I’m tired of my go-go-go lifestyle. I guess deep down I'm starting to get a little homesick."

“Yeah, I can relate," Jensen whispered, "I miss home and my family."

"I miss my family too," Jared said as he looked down, "You know what I miss about home?"

"What?" Jensen asked, looking over at him. Jared looked over at him and smiled, looking back out at the skyline.

"I miss our carefree life back there," Jared said as Jensen smiled, putting his hands on the tray of the car, propping himself back a little, "We didn't have any worries. We were full of hope, planning our future. Everything was simple, unlike now. Everything is really, really complicated right now."

"Yeah,” Jensen whispered and looked away, taking a deep breath, understanding what Jared was saying.

“Jensen…Why me?” Jared finally asked, “Of all those wonderful men you could have, why me?”

“I don't know. You have everything that I've ever wanted in someone. You've got the passion and the talent and such a generous heart. You're funny and you're beautiful."

“When did you know that, you know…?”

“As cliché as it might sound, since that first day I heard your voice at high school. Do you remember that day?”

Jared nodded ‘yes’ with a smile.

“It wasn't always this strong or this deep, but it was always there.  You were…no, you are my best friend. We have been through a lot together.”

“Jensen, I really really love you.”

“I know, but you don't love me like that. It’s OK. I get it,” Jensen said and to his surprise, Jared just shook his head.

“I've been thinking about that night in Hawaii ever since I came back, and no matter how hard I try, I can’t forget what went down, I can't. I am not sure I really do want to forget.”

“Jared, a lot of guys have gay experiences and some even feel that 'thing' but that doesn’t mean they are really gay, you know. Plus, you are a major recording artist with a lot at stake. You can’t give all that up for a relationship, not when you are not absolutely sure things are going to work for you.”

“What are you saying?”

“I just…I just don’t want you to get hurt Jared and I don’t want to regret this. Being with you in Hawaii was an incredible thing, maybe even the best thing that ever happened to me.”

“How do you think I feel about it? With Patrick, it was easily forgotten but with you, I can't even explain how I felt.”

“That's how sex is supposed to feel.”

Jared suddenly turned around to look directly into Jensen’s eyes.

“It wasn't just sex.  This is more than sex, I can feel it.  It actually feels like a crush.”

Jensen was speechless.  
   
“It’s OK, Jared. You don’t have to sugarcoat it. I’m a big boy. I can handle being dumped.”

“Well I'm glad you can, but I am not dumping you.”

“What?”

“I want to give this a try, see if we fit together or not.”

Jensen froze. Was he hearing things? Was this _really_ happening?

“I'm not saying it's going to work out or anything, but I want to give us a chance, give this a chance,” Jared paused when he noticed Jensen’s silence, “If…if you still want this.”

“Yes.”

“Ok, so is this a deal?”

“Yes.”

“Then let’s seal this deal,” Jared whispered, as he approached Jensen with passion in his eyes. Jensen moved his lips to Jared’s, pressing them against one another. Jared held his eyes open for a second then closed them, as he started to kiss Jensen slowly. He sucked on Jensen’s lips slowly as he moved his hand back up to Jensen’s face, cupping the side of it and backing away slowly. They both opened their eyes, looking at one another and Jensen smiled at him, moving his hands around Jared’s neck and started to hug him, "What's that for?"

"I don't know," Jensen whispered as Jared moved his arms around Jensen’s waist, hugging him back, "I just always wanted to hold you like this, to feel your heartbeat against mine."

"You wrote that in one of your songs."

"It was about you. They were mostly about you."

“I always had a feeling that they were," Jared whispered as Jensen stopped hugging him, and looked him in the eyes, "Why'd you stop hugging me?"

"What's gonna happen now?" Jensen asked as Jared blinked his eyes and took a deep breath, "I mean, what does this mean? What's going to happen now? What about your career?"

"We will take it slow. We will work something out," Jared said as he pressed his lips together, “I promise you that.”

 _______________________________

 

"Are you nervous?"  Jensen asked as they came back to Jared’s house later that night.

"I'm terrified," Jared said as they walked into the bedroom and Jensen smiled, "I just don't want this to ruin our relationship. It's a big step you know."

"It won't ruin anything. Plus, we have done this before."

"Yeah, but this time is…different…special.”

“Don’t worry. I think it would only make things better for us," Jensen whispered as Jared moved his hand across the side of Jensen’s face softly. He licked his lips lightly, moving his face closer to Jensen’s until their lips were barely touching. Jared breathed against them for a second until they both closed their eyes, moving into each other, kissing each other gently, taking their tongues into each other’s mouths until Jared backed away and they looked at one another again.

Jared reached up, undoing his tie and slid it from around his neck. He tossed it over a chair and looked back at Jensen as he smiled at him and they both took a deep breath. Jensen walked up closer to him as Jared started to unbutton his shirt, moved Jared’s hands and began to unbutton it himself. Jared looked down, watching Jensen and staring at Jensen’s eyes until he began to pull Jared’s shirt out of his pants. Jared moved his arms, pulling it off him and tossed it over onto the chair with his tie. He looked back at Jensen as he reached down, unbuttoning his jeans and unzipped them. He started to kick his shoes off as Jensen smiled, reaching down to take his own shoes off. Jared took his socks off and pulled them down, kicking them over on the floor, leaving him in nothing but his boxers.

"I don't have a perfect body," Jensen whispered as Jared closed his eyes for a second and looked back at Jensen, “Not like yours, at least.”

"Don't even go there," Jared whispered as he looked down Jensen’s body and looked back up at him, moving his fingers to the hem of Jensen’s shirt, "I’ve seen it before and you're perfect."

"Okay," Jensen whispered as Jared pulled Jensen’s shirt over his head and let it drop to the floor. Jensen closed his eyes as Jared started unbuckling his belt, unbuttoning his jeans. Jensen was suddenly scared to open his eyes and even know what Jared’s reaction was. He was terrified that Jared might change his mind any minute now.

"God, you're beautiful," Jared whispered back as he looked down at Jensen, and then up at his eyes to see that they were still closed, "Jensen, open your eyes," he said as Jensen did what he said. He looked down at himself and then back up at Jared, "Want to take our underwear off at the same time to make it less awkward?"

"You're so romantic," Jensen said as he laughed. Jared laughed, looking away and then looked back at Jensen, "On three?" Jared nodded his head yes, curling his fingertips under the band of his boxers as Jensen did the same, "One, two, three," They both pushed their underwear down and then stared back at each other, trying not to look down at one another's genitals.

"Um okay," Jared whispered as he cut his eyes down, looking at himself and looked back at Jensen, "I'm going to go to the bathroom for just a minute so -"

"I'll just stay right here," Jensen whispered as Jared walked up to him, giving Jensen a little kiss on the lips. He walked past Jensen, going into the bathroom and Jensen looked back, catching a quick glimpse of his backside and started to giggle. He looked over at the bed, walking over to it. He pulled the covers back, seeing the white silk sheets and smiled, climbing into it. Jensen slid under the silk sheets, laying back and resting his head onto the white silky pillowcases.

He was in heaven.

Jensen closed his eyes, moving his arms above his head and sighed. Suddenly he heard some music playing softly and looked up to see Jared walking towards him. Jensen smiled, looking over at Jared as he pulled the covers back lightly and slid under them too, laying on his side, looking at him. "Comfortable?"

"Yeah," Jensen whispered as Jared smiled at him. Jensen smiled back at him, moving his arms slightly against the silk pillowcases, "Do you have protection?"

"Yeah, that's what I was doing."

"I thought you had to pee."

"No," Jared said as he started to laugh, looking down at the outline of Jensen’s body through the sheets, "How do you want to do it?"

"Like the last time?"

"Well, do you want to be the top or the bottom?" Jared asked as Jensen mouthed the word 'bottom' to him. Jared smiled, mouthing the words 'ready' to Jensen and he smiled, nodding his head to Jared. "Okay," Jared whispered as he moved over a little in bed, and began to hover over Jensen. He leaned down, kissing Jensen’s lips slowly as Jensen moved his arms up, wrapping them around Jared’s neck loosely. Jensen moved his legs a little so that Jared could position himself better and their lips left one another as they stared into one another's eyes.

That night was wonderful and glorious for Jensen. After all the sounds of passion had died down, they actually cuddled; something Jensen was not sure Jared would be ever up to. Jensen had not prepared himself for things to get that far but since they did, Jensen planned on taking full advantage of it.  As Jared spooned him from behind, his right hand carelessly thrown over Jensen’s chest, Jensen reached for it with his right hand and held it in his palm.  Jensen just had to hold it, feel it, smell it, just to convince himself that it was real, that they were real.  Jensen kept waiting for the other shoe to drop, for this dream to end and for them to wake up to see that it was just another lapse of judgment but it never turned out that way.

 

 _______________________________

 

Jared woke up the next morning with Jensen’s body pressed up against him in such a fashion that Jared could not mistake Jensen’s erection and he loved that feeling.

Jensen stirred a little and then Jared felt Jensen’s lips slowly, ever so slowly meeting the back of his neck and placing soft kisses there.

"You're up," Jared whispered and tried to turn around but Jensen stopped him.

"Stay right where you are," Jensen said. Jared closed his eyes and allowed his body to respond to Jensen’s gentle touches.  His hand made contact with Jared’s chest and he jumped slightly as he realized that it was cold.

"Sorry," Jensen whispered in Jared’s ear, tonguing it every so often, "I love you." 

Jared could not say anything back to Jensen. To his surprise, Jensen did not stop, he did not hesitate, if anything, he increased the pressure of his hand on Jared’s chest and worked his tongue over him twice as fast.

Jared could feel Jensen’s erection more prominently than ever and instinct took over. He released himself from Jensen’s hold and turned to face him.  Jared’s eyes looked into Jensen with something that Jensen had never seen in them before and Jensen’s heart skipped a beat.  Jensen climbed on top of Jared and pressed his lips against his. Morning breath or not, Jensen wanted that man again.  Jared seemed to get the message and leaned his hand into an open drawer and pulled out lube and a condom.  Jensen took it from his hand and carefully ripped it open with his teeth and within seconds, he had it on Jared.  Once Jared was lubed, Jensen slowly positioned himself on Jared’s dick and ever so slowly took a gentle dive downward and clenched his teeth at Jared’s girth.

"Jensen? You OK?” Jared asked, concerned evident in his eyes.

"Yeah, just don't move."

Jared stayed perfectly still and allowed Jensen to work his magic.  Jensen leaned into Jared, careful not to let Jared slip out of him and held on to Jared’s broad shoulders.  Jensen’s lips connected with Jared’s and their tongues once again met.  During the whole time, Jensen kept thinking that what was happening between them was all that he ever wanted for the rest of his life.  Jared with him, in him, forever and that final thought pushed him over the edge. He exploded all over Jared’s chest and Jared exploded into the condom.  Jensen laid his head on his chest and closed his eyes. Jared understood Jensen’s need. He reached up and ran his hand through Jensen’s hair gently. They stayed like that for a while.

"Shit," Jared suddenly blurted out

"What?"

"It's 11:30."

"So?"

"I was supposed to be at the studio at 11:00."

"So call and cancel," Jensen said as Jared leant up and kissed his forehead.

"I would love to stay here with you all day, but I can't.  I’ve got an album to record."

"Yeah, I know, it was just a thought," Jensen said, suddenly in touch with the reality of Jared’s life.

"I'll be back soon.  You can stay here if you want.”

"I think I'll go over to Chris’s."

“Are you sure?"  Jared asked, looking straight into Jensen’s eyes, concern evident in his voice which made Jensen smile.

"Yeah. We can meet tonight.”

“I can't."

"Why not?" Jensen asked.

“I’ve got a meeting at Mercury’s office,” Jared said as he wrapped his arms around Jensen, "I know that you probably didn't expect to sign up for this, man."

"No, it’s OK.  I know that your career is important to you and I'm not going to come between you and your music, ever!" Jared seemed relieved but did not say anything.

"I can take you to Chris’s place before heading to studio," Jared offered as he leaned into Jensen and kissed him again, this time smack dab on the lips and whispered, “OK.”

Jensen climbed off him and watched as Jared got out of bed and went into the bathroom, straight to the shower.

Jared could not explain his feelings, he was not sure he knew how to.  The night before with Jensen, for the first time in a very long time Jared felt something.  He was not sure exactly what it was, but whatever it was, it was there because of Jensen. The night before and then that morning had been incredible for Jared. He felt the need, the desire, to be with one person and he admitted, at least to himself, that it scared him.  He knew he was not single anymore and although he was feeling pretty good about that decision. He knew that saying a few words was one thing, but actually living it was totally another story.  He never thought things would go that far with Jensen, but they had, and Jared knew that he needed a quick plan now.  As the water cascaded down his body, he closed his eyes and forced all his thoughts aside.  He had work to do, work that he would not allow his thoughts and feelings to interfere with.

 _______________________________

 

“So,” Chris said, looking at Jensen.

“So,” Jensen echoed, not quite sure he wanted to discuss the previous night with Chris.

“What happened last night?”

“Nothing.”

“You guys fucked again, didn't you!?!"  Chris stated accusingly which made Jensen blush furiously.

“What?”

“It's all over your fucking face, dude. Was it good?"

"I'm not listening to this right now," Jensen said, covering his ears with his hands.

“It was, you sly dog!” Chris said, amused, which made Jensen smile, “Well, I'm happy for you," Chris said which made Jensen to turn and face him, shocked at what Chris had just said. Was Chris really happy about him and Jared?

“What?  You think I don't have a heart or something?”

“Yes!”  Jensen cried.

"Well, I do and besides, if it finally gets you out of this fucked-up state you've been in….Well, enough said.”

“Whatever, dude," Jensen said as his cell phone started ringing.

“Hello?”

“Did you really think I was joking with you?” The voice on the other end of the line stated.

Jensen knew right away who it was. He covered the mouth piece as he turned to Chris, “I need to take this,” and walked away from Chris into the guest room and closed the door. 

“Why are you calling me, Patrick?  I did what you wanted.”

“Like Hell you did!  Do you really think I'm that stupid, Jensen?  Do you really think you can play games with me?”

“I’m not working for him anymore, Patrick, am I?”

“Big fucking deal!  You're still in the picture and I want you gone. Do you hear me?”  Patrick screamed.

"You said if I quit, you would stop this. Well, I quit my job. What the hell more do you want from me?"

“I tell you I want you gone and then you go to fucking Hawaii with him? Did you really think I wouldn’t find out?” He laughed, "I want you to get out of Jared’s life completely.  I want you as far fucking away from Jared as possible.  You don't belong with him. I do!”

The thought of never seeing Jared again, of not having him in his life, pushed Jensen over the edge.

“Listen to me you fucking son of a bitch! I am not afraid of you, do you hear me? These visits and phone calls won’t push me away and they certainly won’t take you far! Why don’t you just go ahead and sell those pictures to the tabloids? But let me warn you.  If you try, in any way, to fuck up Jared’s career, I will hunt your ass and kill you. Do you hear me?”

The line went silent for a while and then, “Oh, you’ve got some balls now. Keep it up Jenny, keep it up.  Just remember, you've been warned," Patrick said before the line went dead.

“Shit!” Jensen shouted, throwing the phone against the door.  He took a seat on the bed and covered his face with his hands.  Right when he actually thought everything was finally falling into place, Patrick had to show up and ruin everything.  Jensen swore to himself that he would protect the man he loved, even if it meant giving up his own life to save Jared.

 _______________________________

 

Jared was happy. Things were going fine with Jensen. He had just finished recording another song and since that morning ideas for new songs were pouring into his head.

“That was great, son,” Jared looked up from his notepad to see Matt standing before him with a big smile etched on his face.

“Thank you, Matt.”

“So what's up?”

“What do you mean?” Jared asked quizzically.

“Your face is shining, your voice is sharp and spot on and the music is great. Have you met a girl in Hawaii?”

“No, I didn't meet a girl.  I'm just relaxed.”

“Uh-huh, well, keep it up," Jared was sure Matt had not believed him, but he was grateful he had not tried to push it. He turned his head back down to his notepad to finish the song he was trying to write.

Jared could sense the change developing inside him. He sensed the difference in his vocal range Once again he felt the passion and depth that had been missing from his work lately and he knew who to thank for that. Jensen had been on his mind during the whole time he had been in the singing booth, recording the new song. Jared felt like he wanted to outdo himself, be better, just for Jensen.

As he tried to pour those feelings into the song he was writing, he felt his cell phone vibrating in his pocket and pulled it out.

“Hello?”

“Hey baby,” The pencil in Jared’s hand snapped in half as he silently cursed under his breath.

“What the hell do you want?”

“We got an arrangement, remember? Your time is up, pretty boy.”

“Listen to me, you son of a bitch! I never made any arrangement with you, do you hear me? I'm not paying you a cent, Patrick, not one cent!"

“So you're ready to screw up your career?”

“Yeah!”

“And what about Jensen?” Jared panicked.

“What about him?”

“Are you ready to screw up his life as well?”

“What the hell are you talking about?”

“Who do you think was behind Jensen’s little scoop with that rapist, huh? That was just one picture and I still have a _lot_ more to feed to all the major news networks in the country. I'll have it on Entertainment Tonight, Access Hollywood, MTV, BET, VH1 and CNN. Then once I sell your pictures to the tabloids, no one will be there to protect your friend.  His life will be destroyed because no one will want to have anything to do with someone who fucks a rapist. Because let’s face it, who’s to say your boy is not a rapist himself, eh? Do you understand? His life will be destroyed. Are you willing to put your little friend through that, Jared?”

Jared did not believe him. He did not want to, but he was not ready to take that chance with Jensen either.

“What the fuck do you want, Patrick?”

“We had a great time together man, but you had to go and fuck it up.  I had you making more money than anybody else, and what did you do?  You ditched me.  Did you really think I would just sit back and watch? You will pay me what I'm owed or you and your faggot friend will get what's coming to you.”

Jared heard the dial tone and quickly snapped the phone shut. He was not left with many choices. If he fought, he would have to watch all that he had worked for go down the tube.  He would have to sit back and watch them destroy Jensen.  The mere thought frightened him.  If what Patrick demanded was the price he had to pay to keep things together, then that was what he was willing to do.

 _______________________________

 

“I thought you had a meeting tonight?” Jensen asked that night as he opened the door of Chris’s apartment to see Jared standing there, smiling. He ushered Jared in.

“Well, um, something came up and Matt had to cancel the meeting. So, I thought that maybe we could go to dinner or maybe back to my place,” Jared said with an unmistakable glint in his eyes.

“I didn't expect you tonight, so I thought I would stay here tonight. Actually I was just going to bed,"  
Jensen replied.

_What the fuck are you saying, Jensen?_

“Well get your stuff and come home with me. Please,” Jared said with a puppy dog look that sent Jensen over the edge and into Jared’s arms.  He held on to Jared tightly, refusing to let go.  Suddenly his body began to convulse and for no apparent reason Jensen began to sob.

Jared held him tighter and gently rubbed the nape of Jensen’s neck with one hand while holding him with the other.  "What's bothering you, baby?  What's wrong?"

Jensen just held on tightly, shaking his head and refusing to talk.

“Talk to me, Jensen. Please.  I ask you to come home with me and you start crying.  Did I say something wrong?  Did I do something wrong? Shit, is this about the way I acted this morning?”

Jensen shook his head, not wanting Jared to misinterpret what was happening.  He knew it was not Jared. It was him. It was him and the power he had to make or break Jared’s career with his every move.

“Are you afraid I'm going to change my mind about us? I won't.  I'm going to give this relationship a fair try.  We both deserve that much,” Jared said as he pulled back from Jensen and held on to Jensen’s shoulders. Their eyes met and Jared raised a hand to wipe away the tears he saw on Jensen’s face.  Suddenly Jensen felt embarrassed. He was acting ridiculously.

“Are you ready to talk to me now?  You can tell me anything you want to. You know that, right?”

Jensen led Jared over to the couch and told him to sit down.  Jared did and opened his legs wide and Jensen settled between them, with his back against Jared’s chest. Jensen laid his head on Jared’s chest as Jared wrapped both his hands around Jensen’s stomach.  All Jared needed was having him right there with him, in his arms. That was enough.

Jensen heard Jared start singing:

_Remember when we never needed each other_  
The best of friends like brother and brother  
We understood we will never be alone 

_Those days are gone_  
Now I want you so much  
The night is long and I need your touch  
I don’t know what to say  
I never meant to feel this way  
I don’t wanna be alone tonight 

_I hear your voice and I start to tremble_  
It brings back the child that I resemble  
I cannot pretend that we can still be friends  
I don’t wanna be alone tonight* 

 

 

As the song came to a close, Jared started to hum it while caressing Jensen’s hands in his.  Jensen’s eyes closed and he allowed all the thoughts in his head to subside, at least for the moment.

By the time Jared finished humming, Jensen was fast asleep. Jared just sat there, enjoying the moment.  He pushed all the negative energy brought on by Patrick's phone call away for the time being and held Jensen tight.

 

_*Backstreet Boys - How did I fall in Love with You_  



	20. Chapter 20

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> None of this would be possible and readable without my awesome beta, [](http://bigj52.livejournal.com/profile)[bigj52](http://bigj52.livejournal.com/)   . I learn from you everyday.

Jared found himself in a place he did not even want to be in. He was waiting near an abandoned warehouse, waiting for Patrick to show up, and he did, with a big grin on his face and suddenly Jared had the strongest urge to wipe that grin off his face.

“You got my money?”  Patrick asked, grinning mischievously.

“Yeah,” Jared whispered.

“Hey, don’t be like that, pretty boy.”

“Just take the fucking money so I can get the hell out of here, scumbag.”

Patrick narrowed his eyes to little slits as his face screwed up into an ugly grimace.

“Oh, so now you actually think you are any better than me? How will your fans react if they knew what you were into?"

“This is about you and me, Patrick," Jared hissed his teeth.  He reached into the glove compartment and pulled out an envelope, and shoved it hard into Patrick’s chest.

“Easy, tiger!” Patrick teased.

“Ten grand, just as you wanted.  You can check for yourself," Jared said. Patrick smiled and shook his head.

“Oh, there is no need. I trust you, pretty boy. I know you wouldn't risk it, you better not,” Patrick said as he shoved the envelope in his jacket.

“Just wait for my call. I will let you know where and when our next meeting will be,” Patrick said as he began to walk away and then stopped, “Oh and give Jensen a big thank you kiss for me, you know, for making you do this.”

Jared stood there, in shock, wondering what Patrick meant by that.

 

 _______________________________

When Jared got home that night, Jensen told him that Tom was in town for a visit and they were going to hang out with Tom and his new girlfriend, Kristin at a club Tom had suggested they would hit. Jared was stressed and tired. After his little meeting with Patrick, he just wanted a quiet night at home with Jensen. But he agreed to go anyway, since Jensen seemed so eager to hang out with Tom after such a long time, and especially since things were not really all that great between Jared and Tom, due to the way Tom had acted when they had first moved to Nashville. The couple walked down to a strip bar door, where Tom and Kristin were standing, waiting for them.

"This is the place I was telling you about, Jensen," Tom said.

“Guys, do you realize it’s a strip club?” Jared asked.

"Yes. I’ve never been in one of these before. Let’s go," Kristin said as they walked in, and Jared swallowed, searching Jensen’s body language for any sign of discomfort. Naked women were dancing everywhere. It was not hard to get a lap dance and more, if someone was so inclined and Tom was definitely inclined. Jared had always felt guilty for his one-night stands, not so much for a quick blow job or fuck with a stripper but those were the old days. He was in a relationship now, with his best friend.

“Hello, naked women," Jensen said and stopped just inside the door.

"Those would be the strippers," Jared said dryly. He was not quite sure how he felt about being there with his man. His man. That sounded weird. Not that because he didn’t like it, but because he was talking about his best friend here. Plus, the cheapness of that place totally reminded Jared of his little incident with Patrick and that was the last thing he wanted to remember or think about. Jared nodded toward Tom and Kristin and took off in that direction. He sat down next to Tom and pulled Jensen next to him.

Tom kissed Kristin on her cheek, "Ah, my favorite woman, surrounded by many, many naked women. My life is complete."

Jensen looked at Jared, "Have you ever screwed strippers at these places before?”

"Beer, please!" Jared yelled to the waitress. Jensen laughed.

“You are awfully nosey,” Tom teased.

“Just curious. Lots of things I don’t know about this lifestyle.”

 About that time a girl came over and danced in front of Jensen. She squatted before him and moved suggestively, her hands traced over her breasts and pinched her hard nipples. She was wearing a very small g-string. It barely covered the slit of her waxed pussy. Jensen grabbed one of Tom’s dollar bills and tucked it in at the girl’s hip. The girl leaned over and kissed Jensen. Just a quick kiss. Jensen was a little shocked and looked over to see Tom smiling.

“What?”

Tom motioned behind Jensen and he turned to see Jared, whose eyes were closed, head thrown back, and chugging a beer.

Tom leaned over, "He didn’t even see her kiss you."

"Beer, please!" Jared yelled as he sat the first one down.

The next girl stopped by Tom and Kristin. Similar scenario. Jensen leant over Jared, "See anything?"

“I see lots of things,” Jared’s hands slid his hand behind the table and grabbed Jensen through his jeans. His eyes ran over Jensen.

“Interested in anything you see?”

“No!” Jared almost shouted.

The waitress brought his beer and Jensen took it, "What’ll you give me for this?"

Jared grabbed Jensen harder, “That for starters.”

Jensen smiled and handed him the beer, "Thank you. I need that."

Jared took a long drink then put it down on the bar, still watching Jensen. "Don’t watch me, watch them. I want to watch you watch them."

"Don’t, Jensen," Jared warned and took another drink. Jensen was prying into a part of Jared’s life that Jared was not ready to reveal. He wondered how Jensen would react if Jared revealed his secrets about the girls he had been with, if he revealed his secret about Patrick blackmailing him, using him.

"I want to see what you used to see,” Jensen brushed the hair from his forehead, “I want to know your dirty little secrets.”

Jared caught his hand, "Jensen, I said don’t," he took another drink, "Fuck this. Get up," He grabbed Jensen’s arm and took off. Jared’s legs took long strides and Jensen almost had to run to keep up. Jared did not say a word all the way back to his house. Once in the bedroom, Jared turned on Jensen, "What in the hell was that about?"

"What are you talking about?" Jensen asked, obviously lost.

"Wanting to watch me. Those questions about me fucking strippers. What is that about?" Jared shouted, standing in the middle of the room. He looked unusually big to Jensen.

"I want to get to know you all over again, now ….and then."

"Why? Why that stuff? Why on earth do you need to know that stuff?"

"Jared, you are my boyfriend. We have been friends forever, yes, but there are still things I don’t know about you. I see your fans, their craziness; I see the mayhem you cause just by walking into an arena or a hotel. I don’t know shit about this part of your life. I don’t know much about your past with girls. Being in that club, I got to see what you used to do, before us. I wanted to know more," Jensen was yelling now, too.

"Wanted to know more? Like what? Like how I would go to clubs with the sole purpose of getting laid? How I would get Matt or Patrick to pick girls for me? You want to know who would fuck your boyfriend for money? You want to know how I usually went for the ethnic girls? You want to know how I’d slip her a hundred and then take her to the back room, maybe get a blow job, maybe a quick fuck, maybe an ass fuck if that’s what I wanted? Is that enough fucking details for you? You want to know how your boyfriend usually didn’t even know her name, and didn’t give a shit?  Is that enough goddamned detail for you, Jensen?" Jared stood there, breathing hard, staring at Jensen angrily, “I can’t fucking believe this! I’ve changed my fucking lifestyle for you, you asshole! Did you want proof that I am keeping to my end of the deal?  I left all that shit behind the minute I decided to give us a chance, Jensen and now you know the worst fucking part of my life, the part that I always tried to hide from you, the part I never wanted you to know.”

They stood in the middle of the room staring at each other. Jensen glanced down his body and noticed his hard on. Jared felt it. He was drunk, pissed, and now hard as Hell. He crossed the room to Jensen in three steps. He grabbed Jensen’s hand and yanked Jensen to him. His mouth crushed down on Jensen’s and he greedily kissed Jensen. Jensen fought against him, trying to get free from him. He couldn’t. Then he didn’t want to. Jensen felt himself being pushed backward. He came in contact with the back of the couch. Jared undid his pants releasing the pressure against his cock. He turned Jensen around and ripped his pants down. Jared pushed Jensen over and Jensen held onto the couch and screamed as Jared entered him. Jared did not use any lubrication and he had no control. It took no time for him to come, "Jensen, oh fuck. Oh my god …damn it!" Jared released the hold he had on Jensen and let him stand up.

Jensen turned to look at Jared. Jensen’s pants around his thighs, his cock hanging out of his pants. Jared ran his hands through his hair. He’d just taken Jensen in anger. He had just made a bad situation worse. A stupid fight fueled by his shame. Jared could not say anything. He could not even look at Jensen. He was too ashamed. Jared felt a hand on his arm. He looked up to Jensen’s beautiful face as he just stood there, looking at Jared. The anger Jared expected was nowhere in Jensen’s eyes. All Jared saw was the love he knew so well. He grabbed Jensen again, this time out of need and desperation. Desperately needing to be loved, to be accepted despite the things he most hated about himself. The things he was ashamed of. Jensen held Jared as his body gave in and was wracked by sobs. Tears of shame, pain, and regret came pouring out of Jared. Jensen just held on.

It took a long time for Jared to get himself back under control. They did not move from the middle of the floor. Jensen’s arms ached from holding Jared so tight. Something he knew he would gladly do again. All Jensen did was hold Jared and occasionally run his fingers through Jared’s hair and kiss his face. Jensen did not talk to Jared, except for telling Jared that he loved him and that made Jared cry harder, so Jensen stopped doing that. He led Jared to the bed when he felt it was time. He sat against the headboard and pulled Jared to him again. Jared lay with his head buried in Jensen’s neck for several minutes holding Jensen’s hand to his chest as Jensen’s other hand rubbed his back. Jensen was in tears too. He did not fully understand what was going on, but seeing Jared so small, so young, so hurt, and so weak broke his heart into pieces. He decided he would wait and hold Jared all night if Jared needed him to. Jared finally sat back and saw Jensen’s tears, "Oh god, baby. I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean . . . I never should have . . . I’m so sorry," Jared started to cry again.

"Stop, Jared. Don’t apologize. I’m fine. We’re fine."

"I have no right to touch you in anger."

Jensen took Jared’s face in his hands, waited for Jared’s eyes to reach his, "Jared, did you once hear me say ‘no’ or ‘stop’ or hit you?"

"No," A very small voice said.

"Then stop," Jared hugged him again, "Baby, I love you. I’ll always love you. There’s nothing you could have done that would ever change that. I love the man you are now, whatever you did, whatever you went through to get here is just part of it."

"I don’t know what I did to deserve you."

"You were born. That’s all it takes," Jensen kissed his lips tenderly, "Do you want to talk about this, do you want go to sleep, or just sit here?"

"I owe you an explanation," Jared said as he ran his thumb across Jensen’s cheek.

"You don’t owe me anything."

"Everything I said is true. I did that. You just wouldn’t believe what you can do, the weird power that comes with this, and I took advantage of it a lot. You saw parts of it but never the whole thing. I always tried to hide it from you, from my family. I was raised better than that. I never wanted to lose their trust or yours, but in private I did all that. The drinking, the drugs.”

“Of course you did. You were just eighteen, how were you supposed to resist the temptation?

“I never saw you high on drugs or drunk as hell, and you were eighteen too.”

“Oh baby, trust me, I did all that. I tried drugs once or twice when I was with Chris.”

“Then how come I never knew about that?”

"You never asked.”

"God, we have known each other all this time and still we have so much to learn about each other," Jared said as he held Jensen, "Jensen, I never wanted you to know about that stuff. How I treated people, those women. They were strippers but I treated them like whores.”

"Well, if they took money for sex they were whores."

Simple but true. Jared wondered if Patrick was one too. He was taking his money, wasn’t he?

"I know but I didn’t need to treat them like that. Not even ask a name. I did so many things I’m ashamed of,” Jared said, thinking ‘ _If you only knew it all, Jensen, if only you knew about Patrick_ ’, “ Tonight watching you upset and asking questions made me feel like such shit. I don’t know what was worse, knowing what I did, or knowing you didn’t know. I shouldn’t have tried to hide it."

_Shit! And here I am, still hiding shit from you, Jensen! Fuck!_

"You didn’t hide this. We’ve never talked about this."

"I mean tonight. Trying not to just tell you made things worse. Yelling and screaming it all at you. I should have just sat us down and talked."

"Yes, we should have just sat down and talked."

"Forgive me?" Jared threw in a good pout, hoping against hope that Jensen would forgive him once he found out the whole truth about Patrick too.

"Always," Jensen hugged him and positioned his body between Jared’s legs, leaning against his firm chest. They simply sat there, both lost in their thoughts.

“You ok, Jensen? You've been quiet."

Jensen squeezed Jared’s knee to reassure him that everything was OK and he was not upset about their little confrontation.

"Yeah, I'm ok.  I'm just tired and,-” Jensen paused, deciding not to rock the boat anymore that night, but Jared had already picked up on the vibes.

"What's the matter, Jen? You still mad?”

"I’m not mad baby. I was thinking about Tom’s suggestion.”

“Tom? What did he say?”

“We were talking about Texas tonight and he asked why you and I are not going back there for Christmas. It’s been too long, you know.”

"I can't, Jensen.  I have to work."

"It's just one week, not the whole month, Jared."

"Come on man, you said you wouldn't sweat me about this."

"I'm not sweating you Jared, but this is not an unreasonable request.  We hardly get to spend any time together with you in the studio 24/7 and..."

"And you knew it was going be this way.  It's going to be hard, I know, but this is my job and if I don't get my albums out on time, then I'm in trouble.  I can only imagine how frustrated you must be but if we're going to do this it’s how things will have to be for a while, at least until the end of this album. Then I'm going to be taking an extra long vacation with you - wherever you want to go."

“Fine! Whatever! Do what you gotta do,” Jensen said as he crawled away from Jared’s arms to his side of the bed and lay down, his back to Jared. He soon felt Jared’s hand on his hip.

"I'm trying baby, I really am but if we're going to make this work, you have to give me some time to get my shit together," Jared said, his hand still on Jensen’s hip.

Jensen finally turned back, facing Jared, “I know you are, Jared, and I appreciate it but...I can't help but feel like...we aren't spending enough time together, I know you know that.  If I don't see you in the studio, I don't see you, period!"

Jared caressed Jensen’s chest gently and Jensen just about melted at the touch of his hand.

“I'll make it up to you Jensen, I promise I will,” Jared paused for a second and then continued, “But not this Christmas," Jared said, “Just…don’t be mad.”

“I'm not mad.  Disappointed maybe but not mad.  This is your job, your life..."Jensen said, his voice trailing off which made Jared feel even guiltier.

“I love you Jared. I love you so much and I would do anything for you, even if it meant having to wait for you to make time for me.  That's the sacrifice I'm willing to make for our relationship."

For some reason, what Jensen said caused all the guilt Jared was feeling throughout the night to turn into anger and Patrick's words rang in Jared’s ears.

_Oh and give Jensen a big thank you kiss for me, you know, for making you do this._

It was all starting to make sense.

“I make sacrifices for this relationship too, Jensen," Jared stated trying not to let his words sound venomous.

Jensen raised his eyebrows.

“Sure you do,” Jensen said. To Jared, he did not sound convinced.

“What?!” Jared  asked, “You don't think I put enough effort or 'sacrifice' into our relationship?"

“Jared, I didn't say that!”  Jensen said as he sat up on the bed.

“Well, it sure sounds like it.  Do you think this is easy for me, Jensen? Fuck!  I have to watch my every move when I'm around you.  One wrong look, one wrong touch and that shit will hit the fan.  Have you ever thought of that or are you too busy trying to figure out my ‘dirty little secrets’ or making 'sacrifices' for our relationship?” Jared said as he looked at Jensen to see his eyes begin to mist. Suddenly, he jumped out of bed and started getting dressed.

"Jensen? What are you doing?"

“Leaving,” Jensen said not looking at Jared.

"What?"

"Leaving!" 

This time the message came across loud and clear.

“Come on, Jensen! I didn't mean that. It's just that a lot of shit,-” Jared paused to see Jensen walking up to the door and flung it open. Jared jumped out of the bed, trying to stop him from leaving.

“Jensen! Come on! We have a little argument and you suddenly want to leave? What are you? Five?”

“No, it’s you who is acting like a child here! Everything always has to be about you.  It's like I'm not even a part of this fucking relationship.  It's _your_ career, _your_ image, _your_ time, _your_ fans, _your_ persona.  You make mistakes and every time it’s me who has to step forward and apologize. I’m not taking this shit from you anymore. So I’m leaving.”

“Fuck you then! Be a fucking pussy and run away!”

Jensen’s eyes widened and regret washed over Jared. He could not believe he had said that to Jensen.

“Get out of my way,” Jensen whispered.

"Jensen,-"

"Just get out of my way.  I'm sure you don't want to have anything to do with this pussy."

"I'm sorry Jensen. I didn't mean it."

Jensen pulled out his cell phone and began punching in numbers.

"Get away or I will call the cops and if I get them on the phone, I will spill our shit to them, you get that?  I will tell them everything."

Jared looked at him for a sign, something to tell him that Jensen was just bluffing but he did not see it.

"Fine!  Leave if you want to but let’s talk about this Jensen, please.  Don't leave when you are still mad at me."

"I don't have anything to say to you Jared, nothing!  Just leave me the hell alone," Jared could see that it was a no-win situation so he just stepped away and watched as Jensen walked out.

_Maybe this is for the best.  Who are we to think that this can ever work out?  I can’t even maintain a straight relationship in this business. How the Hell can I expect to maintain one with Jensen?_

Jared knew it would not be easy to erase what Jensen had come to mean to him in such a short period of time.  Jensen had been there for him so much in his life and the one thing Jensen needed from him was Jared’s time and undivided attention and Jared could not even provide that for him. So maybe Jared needed to let Jensen go, give him the opportunity to find someone who would not be afraid to hold his hand in public, someone whose career would not take center stage to his love.  Jared thought if Jensen was ever his friend that was what he needed to do for him.

It was something Jared was going to have to do, no matter what.  



	21. Chapter 21

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> None of this would be possible and readable without my awesome beta, [](http://bigj52.livejournal.com/profile)[bigj52](http://bigj52.livejournal.com/)  . I learn from you everyday.

Chris sat there, rubbing Jensen’s back as he cried into Chris’s neck.  This was not what Chris had planned for that night but his plans had changed, drastically.  He had just got back from a bar with a guy he had picked up when Jensen showed up at his place, seriously messed up.

“Jensen, you guys had your first major fight. It's no big deal, buddy.  It will blow over, trust me."

"No, it won't.  He was such an asshole, Chris.  He said stuff he wouldn't have said if he didn't mean it," Jensen cried, his voice muffled.

"Like what?"

"He called me a pussy, practically called me selfish, said I never thought about what he had to deal with. Can you believe that?  I _always_ think about what things must be like for him. It's always about him and I hate it," Jensen sniffled.

"You love him, Jensen, don’t you?"

"Of course!  I tell him that all the time and even though he never says it back, it never matters because I know this is all new to him," Jensen said as he leaned up and looked at Chris with red, puffy eyes.

"Well, you have one of two choices to make here."

"What choices?"

“Well, choice number one: You can stay with him and live your life according to the time your man has for you.  You'll have to keep your relationship hidden for the rest of your lives unless, by some small miracle, he decides enough is enough and comes out of the closet,-” Chris paused, waiting to see Jensen’s reaction before continuing, “Choice number two: You go out and find yourself someone that won't be ashamed to show you off, someone that will be happy to hold your hand in public and will have time for you all the time."

“Chris, he's not ashamed of me," Jensen said, crossing his arms over his chest.

"The man won't even walk too close to you in public, Jensen!"

"It’s because of his career, Chris, not because he is ashamed.”

"Jensen…just wake up and smell the coffee, OK?  Things are not going to change.  He is not going to leave his career for you.  He knows that if he decides to publicly have a relationship with you, it will be the end of his career."

"You don't know that,-"

“Jensen! Open your eyes! Even if Jared gives up his career for you, there will be some resentment, trust me," Chris said as he saw Jensen on the verge of tears again, "Listen to me Jensen. I'm not telling you to give up on him. I just want you to be realistic about things if you're going to go through with this. That way if things don't turn out your way, you won't be disappointed.”

Jensen just leant his head back against the sofa and closed his eyes, thinking about what Chris had just said. He was not ready to accept it, but deep down inside, he wondered if Chris was right.

“Jensen, are you OK?”

“Yeah. I’m fine.”

“I thought you’d fallen asleep on me. Go wash your face. I’m gonna make some coffee and then we’ll talk some more, OK?” Chris said as Jensen got up and walked to the bathroom.

Chris waited for a few minutes before he got up and followed Jensen.  He knocked on the door and waited.

"Need any help in there?"  Chris quipped.

"NO THANK YOU!"  Jensen called through the door and even though Chris should have resisted, he did not, choosing instead to turn the handle and let himself in.

Jensen sat on the toilet seat, his pants unzipped and dick bulging in his underwear.  Before Chris’s common sense could get in the way, he was on his knees, Jensen’s dick in his hands.

"Chris, stop it!"  Jensen cried, first out of shock and then out of horror.  Chris didn't stop though. Instead he swallowed Jensen.

"Chris, don't do this," Jensen said, his voice sounded so meek, so innocent, so vulnerable that Chris couldn't resist.  He deep-throated Jensen in one go.

From then on, it was just a moan here, a pant there and finally, "Ahhhhh."

Jensen rested his head against the wall and closed his eyes. After a few minutes reality set in and he grabbed tissues from the Kleenex box behind him. He began to clean up, avoiding looking at Chris at all costs.

"Jenny, I'm sorry," 

Chris did not know why he felt an incessant need to apologize but he did.

"Forget it," Jensen’s voice came out in a whisper, barely audible.

"No, this is obviously bothering you."

"Chris, I don't want to talk about it," Jensen quickly zipped up and walked out of the bathroom.  Chris followed behind, determined not to let the situation end like that.

"Jensen..."

"What!  What Chris, What!" he screamed, hurriedly searching for his keys.

"We did nothing wrong," Chris answered.

"Ha, yeah right.  You give me a blowjob and you call that doing nothing wrong.  No wonder your relationships don't pan out," Jensen replied, the sarcasm in his voice was unmistakable.

"We had oral sex and it wasn't reciprocated so, -"

"So it goes to show how weak I am.  I have one fight with my boyfriend and what do I do?  I come here and have sex with you.  I am such a pussy."

"You made a mistake Jensen, we both did, ok, but don't blame yourself.  A blowjob between friends doesn't even count."

Jensen looked over at Chris and scowled, "Please don't try and make me feel better, Chris. All you're doing is making me feel like shit.  Jared trusted me and I go and do this."

"And he's probably out there doing the same thing." 

"Fuck you Chris!  What the hell do you know about...about anything. Jared loves me, OK? And he wouldn't even think of doing anything like this. He loves me, he cares about me and he looks after me," Suddenly all that anger turned into tears and he stood there in front of Chris sobbing openly, "how could I be so stupid and...And....God I am so stupid.  He'll never forgive me for this..."

Chris could not just stand there watching Jensen look so pitiful so he walked up to Jensen and embraced him.  Jensen didn’t resist but crumpled into Chris’s arms and continued to cry.

"It's OK, Jensen, it's OK, and we’ll figure something out.  I mean, you don't even have to say anything to him."

"No...I...I...I can't hide...this...from...him."

"Ok, we'll figure something out, we'll figure something out," Chris said, while gently rubbing Jensen’s back.

Chris knew it was going to be a tricky situation made even trickier by the history Jared and he shared but if it took him forever, he decided he would do all that was in his power to get things back on track.

_______________________________

“Debut at numero uno, Jared.  Damn!"  Matt's voice resounded from behind a newspaper and even though Jared should have been ecstatic, he wasn't.

"Yeah," he replied.

Matt lowered the paper and looked across at him, "What's the matter, Jared? Since when are you not excited about making number one on the charts?"

"I'm happy. I just don't see the big deal," Jared stated.

"You don't see the big deal?!  You must have hit your head, man.  This is what we've been after all along and 'you don't see the big deal'.  Damn, I'm speechless."

"No, this is what you have been after all along.  I could care less if it was on top of the charts or not."

"Since when?"

_Since Jensen!_

"Since now! Who gives a damn if it becomes number one or not?" Jared said instead.

"You should care.  After all the time and energy you devoted to this, you should care."

Matt was right. Jared knew Matt was right but he did not speak up.  Instead he chose to let the silence settle and then Matt said, "I don't know what the hell is eating at you and frankly I don't think you want me to know.  All I'm gonna say is that maybe now is the time for you to take an extended break.  Take this woman you've been talking about away somewhere...."

The 'woman' Jared had been talking about was indeed Jensen and Jared had neither admitted nor denied that she was actually a ‘he’, he just let Matt think whatever came naturally; and thinking back to what he had said back then and what was happening now only served to make Jared realize how fucked-up things really were.

It must have been two months after they had gotten together, two months after that first night at Jared’s place, two months after the morning Jensen told him that he loved him.  It had been two months filled with a lot of pressure to finish the album, a lot of stress to keep his career out of his personal life, a lot of back and forth arguing between Jensen and Jared and a lot of guilt to pass around.  But it wasn't all negative.  Those two months had also provided Jared with an opportunity to discover and explore a side of him Jared never knew existed.  The romantic side: the flowers, the candy, the continuous serenades, dinners, and movies, they did it all, not to mention the sex.  It had been off the wall and each time seemed twice as good as the time before and Jared wondered how he had survived without it.

All in all, those first two months were good.  But isn't that always how it is in the beginning of a relationship?  You're happy one minute and then the next, the shit hits the fan and reality rears its ugly head. In other words, life gets in the way. 

Jared was trying, he really was and even though there was a part of him that wanted things to work, another part of him, a slightly larger part wanted his life to go back to the way it was, simple and uncomplicated. Back to a time where he could chill with his best friend and not have to worry about what he said; when he could work till the break of dawn and not have to report to a living soul; back to a time when Jared didn't feel like it could be one thing or another, not both.

But Jared knew that all that wishing, all that thinking, all that nostalgia was a waste of time….his time, and that no matter what he did, shit was the way it was and no amount of daydreaming was going to change that.

_______________________________

It felt scary for Jensen. The fact that he could be hanging around someone else he was physically attracted to and not think about his problems, i.e. Jared, was a damn scary feeling.  Back up about three weeks ago to his little indiscretion with Chris. Jensen was a wreck, a head case, a nut.  He couldn't function and almost sat back and allowed his whole life to crumble before his eyes. He wasn't eating right or sleeping right and he had lost contact with everyone, even Danneel. Jared was calling him often enough, leaving messages on his machine, all of which Jensen erased except one:

_Jensen, it's me, shit!  This is probably the tenth message I've left and you still haven’t called me back yet.  Are you OK?  I know shit got heated with us the other day and I want you to know that I didn't mean to go off on you. I know things haven't been easy on you and that I've been selfish lately - I... I want us to give this a shot. I know I've been saying this a lot but I mean it. I really think that we could make this work.  The album's done and I got a whole three months on my hands. We could go anywhere you wanted. I want to make it up to you.  I..._

The tape ran out then.  What Jared was going to say seemed promising but by then Jensen was too choked up to think about it.  He wanted to call Jared and tell him how much he wanted him, how much he needed him, how much Jared meant to him.  Jensen even wanted to let Jared know that he wasn't perfect, that he too had made a mistake but then it hit him, out of the blue like a lightning bolt. He sounded desperate, and what Jared had told him before struck home again.

_Be a fucking pussy…._

Jared was right. Jensen was acting soft, he really was and the thought made him feel disgusted with himself.

 "Don't you want to see him?"

Jensen looked up to see Chris who was getting ready to go to work. He had spent the night at Jensen’s apartment.

"Of course I do, I just don't think now is the right time to do it," Jensen responded, trying to keep the frustration out of his voice.

"Why the fuck not?"

"Because time apart might be a good thing for us." 

The truth of the matter was that Jensen was hoping that Jared would just show up on the doorstep begging Jensen to take him back. It would have been a first for Jared.

"That is the biggest pile of horse shit I've heard since...since I can't even remember.  The last time we spoke you were practically foaming at the mouth to tell him about us, now all of a sudden you don't want to see him. Sell that crap to someone who is gullible.  Now tell me, what's going on?"

"Nothing, Chris.  Speaking of which, what's up with you? You never told me last night."

Chris sighed, no doubt highly annoyed with all those mind games Jensen seemed to be playing,  "Trying to change the subject, are we?"

Jensen stayed quiet, hoping Chris would not call him on it.

"Well, if you would stop playing this cat and mouse game you would know what's going on.  I've been busy getting things ready."

"For what?"  Jensen questioned further.

"I'm moving at the end of the month Jensen."

Jensen almost spilled the coffee he had been sipping, "To where?  Why didn't you tell me?  Why?"

"Slow down, cowboy.  I’ve got a better job offer in LA. It pays twice as much as the job here. I can’t say no to that."

"Oh,” Was the only response Jensen could come up with.

"Shit!  I'm late. Tell you what? How about I pick you up tonight? We will go out for dinner, celebrate and talk about things, OK? See you later."

With that, Chris was out the door.

Five minutes later Jensen was still in shock, mouth agape.  Despite all the crap he had taken from Chris and their roller coaster relationship over the years, Chris was still Jensen’s closest confidant.  The thought of Chris leaving had Jensen shivering, but he couldn't allow himself to think of that, not when that night was supposed to be a happy occasion.  It had been a while since he had been out in the company of a man he liked, a long time, and that thought alone had him thinking about Jared.  Was he wrong to go out with someone else, even a friend, when he had a boyfriend? Even though he knew the answer to that question, Jensen went into denial mode. He was a grown man. He could do as he pleased. He was entitled to a little loving in his life and if Jared wasn't up for the job, someone would have to take his place.

_______________________________

 

Jared had no idea what he was doing in the shower, fisting his dick when he had someone who was willing to do it for him or was that his own misconception?  At every turn, Jensen’s face would miraculously appear before Jared, and like some lovesick teenager, Jared would take a trip down memory lane remembering the good times over and over again.  Jared had broken down and called Jensen, having made up his mind to do whatever he had to do to make them work but Jensen never called him back, not that Jared had been sitting by the phone waiting but still, he had expected some sort of response.  It wasn't like Jensen not to touch base with him once in a while, even when they weren't on speaking terms.  And it made Jared think that he had gone overboard, hurt Jensen’s feelings more than he had imagined and had destroyed a good thing because he was being a coward.  It did make sense, a lot of sense.  Finally Jared came out of the shower, hurriedly putting on some clothes and heading over to Jensen’s apartment. Jared had his words all formulated,

_Jensen, baby, I'm sorry, I've been an ass, a fucking ass. I love you too._

Jared could say that.  It didn't sound like such a terrible thing once he heard himself say it.  Jensen said those words to him all the time and Jared could hear it in his voice, how much truth those words possessed. Jensen really did love him, body, heart and soul and Jared finally realized that. He also realized something else - nothing was stopping him from saying the same thing to Jensen. A smile spread across Jared’s face as he thought about how Jensen might react to that. Maybe he would throw himself into Jared’s arms and sob or he would tear Jared’s clothes off and beg Jared to fuck him.  Either scenario was good enough for Jared.

_______________________________

"I can't talk now, Jared."

Jared had not expected to hear that, not after he had geared himself up for it.

"What?"

"I'm busy," Jensen said, his eyes avoiding Jared’s.  Something was up, something was definitely up, and Jared could feel it.

"Doing what?"

"I don't want to talk about it," Jensen hesitated and then continued with, "You should have called."

"Since when do I have to call to see you?" Jared continued, his hands crossed over his chest.

"I just...if you would have called, I would have told you I had plans for tonight."

"Plans?  With who?" Jared questioned.

"A friend."

'A friend my ass', Jared thought.  Jensen was acting like a little boy who got caught dipping his hand in the cookie jar.  Jared just wondered whose cookie jar it was.

Changing the subject Jared said, "Did you get my messages?"

Jensen looked down at his feet and then back at Jared, "Yeah."

"And?"

"And, I've um...I've been busy."

"Too busy to call your man back?"

"Jared,-" he started.

"This _is_ what you wanted, isn't it? You wanted me to make a commitment and now that I'm doing it, you want to find any and every excuse you can not to follow through.  What the fuck's going on, Jensen?"

"Nothing, I just, I.... I just need some space, OK?  I need some time to think about this."

"Time?"

"Yes, time.  I just don't think we're on the same wave length and I don't feel...I don't feel right about throwing myself at you when,-"

Jared cut him off, "Is that what you think you're doing?"

"Well, yeah.  I don't want to feel so...um…so dependent on you. I need to be able to do things on my own, be a man about it."

So that was what that was about.  Jared mentally kicked himself for putting himself in that position.  If he had not gone and called Jensen a ‘pussy’, he would not have been feeling the way he was.

"Jensen,-" Jared started and stopped as Jensen covered Jared’s mouth with his hand.

"No, you were right...about everything.  I didn't appreciate the way you said it but you were right and I realize that now, I really do.  I hate having to feel like my life revolves around you because it doesn't. And...and I think that maybe we should separate for a while."

Jared did not hear a word Jensen was saying after he made that statement.  Separate? Separate!  After all that soul searching he had just done, Jensen wanted to separate.

"I don't think we need to do that.  I'm done, Jensen. I'm done with the album. I got some free time now."

Jensen’s face distorted and a scowl took over, "You mean that now you have time for me.”

"I didn't say that.  Why are you always putting words in my mouth?"

"Whatever, it doesn't even matter anymore.  I just need some time away from you, time to see if we're being realistic about us."

Jared was not getting it and he told Jensen so.

"I don't know how to explain it any better, Jared.  I just don't feel that I've been thinking about this relationship realistically, maybe I was expecting too much from it and us,-"

"No, you weren't," Jared interjected, "You were right about everything.  I know if I give it my all, we can make it work. I want it to work," Jared paused and took a deep breath, ready to tell Jensen what he had been waiting to hear forever, "I love,-"

Jared never got to finish as a car pulled into the driveway and shone its bright headlights in their direction.  He beeped once, twice and then a third time.

"I have to go," Jensen stated.

"Who is that?" Jared could clearly make out the outline of a man in the driver side.

"Chris. We are going out," The way Jensen blushed when he said that, Jared knew Jensen was lying.

"Are you fucking him?" Jared asked angrily grabbing Jensen’s arm as he attempted to walk away from him.

Jensen pulled his arm from Jared’s embrace, "What the hell is wrong with you?"  He cried angrily.

"What the hell is wrong with me?  What the hell is wrong with me?!  What the hell is wrong with you?"

"I don't want to get into this with you right now Jared. I think you need to leave and go somewhere to cool off."

"Don't tell me what the fuck I need to do, ok!  I come here to tell you I want to make us work and all I get is shit from you," Jared didn't even wait for Jensen to respond.  He pushed past Jensen, down the driveway and in the direction of his own car.

"Jared, wait!" Jensen called out, but Jared ignored him, "Jared, please wait," Again Jared ignored him and jumped into his car and started the engine.  Just as he was about to drive off, Jensen appeared by his driver side window, "Don't leave like this, please, I...I can explain," Jensen stated, desperation lacing his voice.

"I don't wanna hear it, Jensen."

"It's not what you think."

"Oh really?  Well you know what, it doesn’t even matter.  I'm just glad I got to see this, see what I was getting my ass into.  I came here to..." Jared didn't finish his sentence, he couldn't.

"Jensen? You coming or what? I got reservations for eight," Chris shouted from his car.

"Looks like your man is waiting for you," Jared stated, not looking at Jensen.

"He's not my man, Jared."

"Whatever! Just go, man.  I think you're right. A separation might be good for us." Jared saw the despair in Jensen’s face and knew he had regretted bringing up the idea.

"Jared..."

Jared didn't allow Jensen to finish. How could he when Jared had driven halfway down the block?

_How the hell did I ever get myself into this situation?  I am paying out of my ass to keep Patrick quiet while trying to hide the other side of my life from everyone else.  On top of that, Jensen seems to be having a change of heart about the whole situation.  All of this hassle for what?_

And not for the first time, Jared wished for things to go back to the way they were.  



	22. Chapter 22

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> None of this would be possible and readable without my awesome beta, [](http://bigj52.livejournal.com/profile)[bigj52](http://bigj52.livejournal.com/)  . I learn from you everyday.

The night had started out simply: Chris had driven them to a small diner, coincidentally the place where he and Jared used to hang out when they first had moved to Nashville, the same place Jared had taken him their first night together and they had come to call the place their own. Jensen tried desperately to stop his thoughts from wandering. They had had a great dinner for two and listened to the band.

Jensen’s thoughts were a jumbled mess and his mind, no matter how hard he tried, remained on his lover. Upsetting as it was for him to see Jared take off, the anger and disappointment so clearly marked upon his face, it was more hurtful and more upsetting for Jensen to know that he was the reason for it. The accusatory session that Jensen subjected himself to made no difference in alleviating any of the guilt that he felt. Chris tried really hard to keep Jensen occupied, telling him stories about his childhood, the events at the newspaper office and a few hot guys he had recently met. None of that was much help.

The ride back to Jensen’s place was painfully quiet and for a moment Jensen regretted ever going out with Chris that night. Then a thought hit home.

_Maybe this was just another experience that was meant to make me see how good I had it. Maybe it was just another test, like the situation with Patrick that would make me more appreciative of what I had with Jared._

"Is it really over with you guys?"

Jensen turned his head and looked at Chris. He didn't even pause to respond, "Is it ever over?"

"I guess not," Jensen paused, “Chris, what the hell have I done?”

“What do you mean buddy?”

"I’m with a handsome, strong and beautiful man. I mean, I never knew I could feel this way about anyone and I do about him and now I've gone and fucked it up because of my own fucked-up insecurities. I knew what I was in for before I went into it and I told him I understood but at the first sign of trouble I was ready to bail out. Why would he want to put up with that back and forth?"

Reaching over and giving Jensen’s shoulder a squeeze, Chris said, "You're too hard on yourself Jensen. You know… you and me aren't that much different after all."

"Yeah, right," Jensen snorted, "You and I are nothing alike Chris. Where you're confident, I'm insecure, where you're a 'take charge kind a guy', I have a 'sit back and let the action come to me' mentality. We're not alike in anyway, I guarantee it."

"Well, you're wrong because we are alike. Look at it this way; we've both been in relationships where the problems are of our own making. We have both loved our partners very much but it seems that we spend a majority of the time analyzing what they see in us or what we see in them. We're also alike in the fact that we're not over our previous relationships nor will we be anytime soon."

“Are you saying you’re not over Misha?”

“Of course I’m not, but there is not much I can do about it now, is there? It’s way over for us.”

To hear Chris say what Jensen had been thinking from the very beginning was like a wake-up call for Jensen. He really wondered whether that was really what he was doing, trying to get over his feelings for Jared. The thought left a lump in his throat and a heavy feeling in his heart as Jensen realized he never wanted to be over Jared, no matter what. What they had was good. It wasn't perfect, nor was it close to perfect, but it was what Jensen had spent the last few years wanting. Was he really that eager to throw it all away because he was afraid? Afraid of trying? Afraid of staying around? Afraid that by putting himself in that position he would inevitably be hurt? Was he really such a coward, not willing to fight for the one thing that he had wanted for so long? And in that instant it hit him! Yes! He was afraid. He was afraid that everything that he had imagined their relationship to be like would fall into disarray once reality set in. He was afraid that his expectations of Jared were so unrealistic that he was willing Jared, himself and them as a unit to fail. He was afraid that Jared would see all his flaws and not want to have anything to do with him. Most of all, he was afraid that all the years of friendship that they had shared would turn to shit and they would be in too deep to ever bring things back to the way they were. But did he really just want to be Jared's friend ever? Did he just want to be another guy Jared could call when he wanted to shoot the breeze? Jensen came to the stark realization that he never wanted to go back, back in the sense that they would be just friends, just boys, just two guys who knew each other. He never wanted to feel that there was an invisible line between them that he would never be able to cross. Most of all, he never wanted to feel the way he did before they started all of that, alone, miserable, depressed. He never wanted to imagine his life without Jared in it, ever.

And as he listened to the sounds of their breathing as Chris drove, Jensen realized that that charade would never work for one reason and one reason only. That reason being that Jensen never wanted to spend another day or night without Jared Padalecki by his side and in his life.

Chris looked over at Jensen to see the troubled look on his friend’s face, “Talk to me, man.”

"I just don't know where to begin Chris. Everything was falling apart, everything was just going downhill. I mean, you saw the huge fight we had and I think…it was mainly my fault," Jensen paused, and then continued, "He thinks that I am making excuses, trying to weasel my way out of our relationship. He actually told me that he wanted to commit, give it his all. I even think he was going to say it."

"Say what?" Chris asked.

"You know," Jensen chided, an eyebrow raised.

"It's too damn late for guessing games Jensen."

"OK, OK. I thought he was going to tell me that he loved me."

That got a jolt out of Chris, "Are you sure?"

"I think so, I mean he started to say it and then you showed up," Jensen paused again, took a deep breath before going on, "Now I know what I have to do. I was an idiot before, Chris. I was scared and I was vulnerable and I was in doubt about everything but now," A smile made its way to his face, "I know what I want and what I need. I'm not going to let this opportunity go down the drain," and as if speaking words meant for his own ears he said, "I'm going to make this work."

For the rest of the ride, Chris found himself trying to think back to a time when Jensen had been this happy and he found that he couldn't think of one single time in all the time they had known each other that could compare to his sudden state of euphoria. It gave Chris a comforting feeling to know that things were finally coming together for Jensen. But then, the inevitable question once again formed in his mind.

_What about me?_

Chris always thought his life was where he had always wanted it to be: Making decent money, having his pick of location, being able to choose, refuse and reuse any man he saw worthy of his presence. For the first time Chris deeply understood what a shallow existence he truly had. He wondered if he really could continue to live like that for the next five, ten, even fifteen years never committing to one place, person or thing.

Chris knew the answer to all the questions but he wouldn't allow his mind to work through all that red tape just to get through to the truth. He was too old, too stubborn, too set in his ways. He couldn't change, even if he wanted to, and what would be the point anyway? There was no white knight waiting for him on the other side, no fancy job and luxury home with his name on it. No announcer waiting to hand him the grand prize. There was nothing for him on the other side of bad, so what was even the point to think of changing? That was all he knew, that was his life and even though in his mind Chris knew it was getting old, he was determined to stick with it.

_______________________________

As Jared threw a pack of white socks into the suitcase, his thoughts once again returned to the night before. He had tried without much success to block out the unwanted images of them arguing but he couldn't. It was as if his mind was feeding off the negative energy, willing him to keep on replaying those images over and over again in his head, and remembering what Jensen had said about them having a trial separation. Jared had tossed and turned the night before, trying to figure out what that feeling was deep in his gut. It was like a wave of nausea washing over him every few seconds and Jared found himself getting up at three thirty am and driving around, nowhere in particular, in the hope of getting rid of that feeling. But it wouldn't go away, no matter what he tried: Pepto Bismol, Mylanta, antacids. Nothing money could buy would ever take it away and it finally hit him what was happening. He was suffering from a simple yet complicated affliction. One that no doctor or medication would fix. One that only Jensen could get rid of. Jared was suffering from heartache. It took him a while to get his mind to accept the diagnosis but when it did, there was no turning back. He couldn't change his mind nor pretend that it wasn't happening. He could no longer deny what he had been feeling for so long.

The ringing of the telephone broke Jared from his train of thought and he picked it up.

"Hello."

"Mr. Padalecki?"

"Yes, this is he."

"Good morning, sir. I'm just calling from American Airlines to confirm your booking of our private Piper twin-engine plane departing from Nashville airport at nine thirty, flying nonstop to Canary Islands."

"Thank you. I should be there by nine. Was your staff briefed about my requests?"

"Yes sir. We have our best pilot and top flight attendants flying with you today. They have been briefed on the discretion aspect. Is there anything else?"

Jared thought for a moment, something inside, maybe his consciousness was telling him to stay, try to work things out, not to flee like that, like a wounded animal, "Is the pilot already there?"

"Yes sir," and as if hesitant she continued with, "Is there something the matter Mr. Padalecki? Would you like to postpone your trip for a later hour...or date?"

Jared was tempted to say ‘yes’. He was tempted to drop everything and do what his gut was telling him to do but before he could think it through too much, he responded with, "No, everything is fine, thanks. I'll be there."

_______________________________

The next morning, Jensen drove over to Jared's hoping to clear the air, letting Jared know that he was now ready to work it out. He wanted to let Jared know that he had dealt with his issues and was ready to move forward in their relationship. It was amazing to Jensen how quickly that transition took place. One minute he was practically casting the man aside and the next, he was ready and willing to take whatever Jared had to offer and submit to his innermost feelings, no matter the cost. If he had to work around Jared’s schedule, he would. If he had to put up with Jared’s crazy hours, he would. No matter what, Jensen was willing to keep them together, even if they had to sneak around. He was so willing for one reason and one reason only. He was in love with Jared and was willing to do the craziest things to just to keep them going. Jensen was going to stand by his man no matter what.

He stood outside Jared’s door ringing the bell and knocking for what seemed like forever.

"Excuse me, can I help you?" Someone asked. Looking over, Jensen saw that the voice belonged to an elderly woman.

"Well, yeah. I'm looking for my boy.... um.... my uh friend...Jared."

"Ah, what a nice young gentleman! He is always helping me with my groceries when he's here. He's a musician, you know. Not my type of music, what he sings, but a musician nonetheless. My granddaughter adores him."

"I know ma'am. Anyway, I'm his friend Jensen and I was wondering if you know where he went."

She seemed to ponder Jensen’s question for a second and then shook her head, "'Afraid not. He left early this morning, eight I think, had a suitcase, one of those fancy ones, real expensive too. I was going to say ‘good morning’ but he seemed to be in such a hurry. You young people usually are."

Suitcase. Hurry. What the hell was going on?

"His car is still here. Do you know how he got to where he was going?"

Again that ponderous look came over her face, "Actually, I do, a limo service.”

"Um thanks again," Jensen made a move to walk back to his car when she called out for him, "Who should I say stopped by?" She asked.

"Tell him...tell him, just tell him the Yin to his Yang," Jensen stated.

She seemed puzzled at Jensen’s reference but he didn't care. Jared would understand what that meant and that was all that mattered.

It seemed as if every second was longer than the one before as Jensen sat by the phone waiting for Jared’s phone call. He was so desperate to hear Jared’s voice, to see his face, to have Jared close to him that he would have done anything possible, even sell his soul to Satan himself. It was coming on to six in the evening and still no word from Jared. By that time all sorts of scenarios started to play out in Jensen’s mind. Maybe Jared got the message and just didn't want to speak to him. Maybe Jared really took Jensen’s words last night to heart and was taking their trial separation seriously. Or maybe Jared was just nervous and wasn't sure if he should call or not. For that reason alone, Jensen kept calling his house every hour on the hour just to give Jared an opportunity to talk to him without all the pressure.

Jared never picked up.

Jensen was close to tears by the time eight, nine and then ten o' clock rolled around. At ten, all that frustration and misery turned into anger and all Jensen could do was curse Jared underneath his breath. Jensen never meant a word of it but he was upset that Jared wasn't even giving him the chance to say that he was sorry. Tired of waiting, he turned on the television and sat down on his sofa. Nashville news coverage was on and Tiffany Amber and Garry Simms’ voice filled the living room:

_Breaking news, right now from the studio. As earlier reported, a twin-engine plane owned and operated by American Airlines exploded in mid air at around ten-thirty this morning. We now bring you live coverage from Nashville Airport. Here is Michael Smith._

_Thank you, Tiffany and Garry. I am reporting to you live from the tarmac of Nashville Airport where earlier today, a twin-engine plane belonging to American Airlines has exploded mid air shortly after departure from Nashville Airport. Sketchy details that have been coming in from the spokesperson at American Airlines have confirmed that this plane exploded over the ocean ten to fifteen minutes after takeoff. No apparent cause has been speculated nor have the names of the passengers or crew been released. We are expecting a conference with a spokesperson from American Airlines in about ten minutes so we are standing by. We will bring you the details as they become available to us. Tiffany, Garry, back to you._

_Thank you, Monica. In other news..._

Jensen turned off the television and got up. He couldn't wait any longer. He had to see Jared right away. As Jensen made a move towards the front door, the doorbell rang. Hope bubbled within Jensen and for an instance Jensen thought that it was Jared until,

"Good evening, sir. Are you Jensen Ackles?" Standing before him was a uniformed officer.

"Yes I am, um...is there a problem officer?" Jensen asked, the nervousness apparent in his voice.

"Yes sir, there is. May I come in?" The officer asked, taking off his hat.

"Sure," Jensen stepped to the side and allowed the officer to pass him. Closing the door, Jensen offered the officer a seat but he declined.

"I'm not sure what I've done officer. I don't have any outstanding parking tickets," Jensen said.

"This isn't about parking tickets sir. Maybe you would like to take a seat," And even if Jensen didn't want to, he had no choice. His legs felt unstable beneath him and he knew that at any minute he could collapse.

"Do you know a Jared Padalecki?"

"Yes," Jensen answered with a shaky voice. He had a very bad feeling about the turn of the officer’s next words.

"Sir, I am sorry to inform you that there was a plane crash out by Nashville Airport that may have involved your friend," His words stopped Jensen dead in his tracks and Jensen looked at the officer.

"What?"

The officer flipped open a note book and read from it, "A twin-engine plane belonging to American Airlines exploded over the Atlantic Ocean at around ten-thirty this morning. The flight manifest indicates that a Jared Padalecki reserved the plane. His emergency contact sheet has your name on it."

"No, it can't be him...he's not scheduled to travel anytime soon...it's not him," Jensen feebly whispered.

"Sir, I know that this is a shock but your friend was on that flight. Surveillance tapes show that he went through security and his luggage was checked in."

"No, it's not him," Jensen whispered again, feeling his eyes well up with tears.

"Sir, is there anyone that I can call for you? A friend, a family member..."

Jensen cut him off. It wasn't true. It couldn't be true. It wasn't the same Jared Padalecki. They made a mistake. It couldn't be him.

"You made a mistake officer. It isn't my friend. I know it isn't. He would have told me if he was going away. He never had plans to go away. It's not him. I'm sorry you wasted your time driving out all this way for no reason....," Jensen just kept on going and going until the officer had no alternative but to get out of his house and go and tell the real friends and family of the Jared Padalecki who was deceased that their loved one was dead.

"Sir, is there anything I can do? Call a friend, a family member, anyone?" The officer attempted one last time as he walked to the door.

"No, it's not necessary. You made a grave mistake," And with that, Jensen shut the door behind him.

Jensen turned on the TV again and was greeted with the stark reality:

A mini picture of Jared was plastered in upper right hand corner of the screen. In it, he was shirtless, decked out in a gray cap and a pair of blue jeans, a microphone close to his mouth. The newscasters commented with:

_It is a sad day in the music industry day as reports have circulated to us that the famous R & B singer Jared Padalecki was in that twin-engine plane that exploded over the Atlantic ten minutes after takeoff. Reports coming through to us from Nashville Airport indicate that Jared was seen on a security camera checking in his luggage and walking through security. The Coast Guard is at this time searching the Atlantic for signs of survivors but that is expected to change in an hour or so. The coast guard reports that this search and rescue will be updated to a search and recover shortly. Once again, it has been brought to the attention of us here at Channel Nine, via an American Airlines spokesperson, that famed R & B singer Jared Padalecki, was aboard the twin-engine plane that exploded over the Atlantic. We will update you as details become available. This is Michael Smith, reporting from Nashville Airport, Tiffany, Garry, back to you in the studio._

As the screen before him dissolved into a hazy mist, Jensen found himself unable to breathe. It was true, it was true. He really was dead, and the thought alone sent Jensen into a hyperventilating attack. He couldn't breathe. He felt his chest tighten and suddenly, everything went black.  



	23. Chapter 23

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> None of this would be possible and readable without my awesome beta, [](http://bigj52.livejournal.com/profile)[bigj52](http://bigj52.livejournal.com/)   . I learn from you everyday.

Jared looked down on Jensen as he slept and Jared felt a pang somewhere inside him, a sort of painful tenderness that he never even knew he possessed. His poor baby must have been through hell and back thinking the worst. He wanted to hunt down and hurt each and every reporter that broke the story without knowing all the facts but he knew it would have done nothing but land him in a jail cell again, and if he was going to blame them, he had to also blame himself. If he had taken the time to think about what he was doing, none of that would have happened and Jensen would not be in the condition he was in right at that moment. Jensen stirred a little under Jared’s watchful gaze but he didn't wake up and Jared couldn't help but lean into him and place a soft kiss on Jensen’s lips. Jared wanted to do so much more than that but it was not the time and these were not the best of circumstances.

_What the hell is wrong with you, man? You got someone here who would do anything for your ass and yet still you keep doing stupid shit._

Jared didn’t relish having his conscience there to tell it as it was but it was something he needed to hear. It was something that he knew had undoubtedly saved his life.

Earlier that day Jared had been on his way to the airport, still wrestling with his thoughts. His head was telling him to just let it go, to forget all that they had been through, to spare their friendship at the risk of dismissing their relationship and forgetting everything that they had shared. But his heart was screaming that he should just be a man and admit that what he wanted was Jensen. It was letting Jensen know that if he didn't make a conscious effort to salvage what they had, he would regret it for the rest of his life. While Jared wanted to listen to his heart and go with what he really wanted, he allowed his head to lead the way and ended up at the airport, waiting on a one-way flight to the Canary Islands. He checked in, went through security and headed over to the boarding entrance.

"Good morning Mr. Padalecki. My name is Alison and on behalf of American Airlines, I'd like to thank you for choosing us for your travel needs. We are so pleased to have you flying with us this morning," The gate attendant seemed nice enough and Jared was tempted to respond to her flirtatious manner but as strange as it seemed, Jared couldn't. He was making a living from serenading women all over the world with his words and his music, but he couldn't even find the words to respond to her.

"Um...thanks," Jared replied. She smiled at him and opened the door.

"We are so happy to have you with us, Mr. Padalecki. We love your music. My daughter is addicted to you. She has all your albums and she loves them all but the new one, she absolutely adores. I have to actually beg her to turn off your CD at night so that I can get some sleep."

Again Jared found himself at a loss for words.

"OK."

Allison continued to smile at Jared and he swore he saw her wink but he didn't have time to ponder over her intentions anymore as a tall man in his late sixties walked up to him, his arm outstretched. Jared mimicked his motion and soon they were shaking hands.

"Mr. Padalecki, I'm Captain Mathews and on behalf of American Airlines, we are pleased to have you flying with us today."

"Thanks. Um...how long will the flight be?"

"About three hours, maybe two and a half if the weather doesn't get any worse."

Again Jared had that feeling, that familiar struggle between his head and his heart but he ignored them both, barely managing to break into a smile as the captain held the door for him to walk through.

Jared broke his thoughts as he saw Jensen move his hand to his face and begin to rub his head. His eyes remained closed and he didn't make a sound but Jared knew Jensen had to be in pain. The bump to his head was a testament to how hard he had fallen.

"Jensen," Jared called to him softly, as he strained to keep his hands to himself.

Jensen didn't open his eyes nor did he move his head in the direction of Jared’s voice.

"Jensen, wake up baby," Jared called again, making sure that his voice was clear over the whirring sound of the ceiling fan.

Finally Jensen’s eyes snapped open and he sat up quickly. At first he seemed in a daze but then he sobered up and his head turned towards Jared. The reaction on Jensen’s face scared Jared and he did not hesitate to reach out and hold Jensen in his arms as he heard him starting to cry.

"It's OK baby, it's OK. I'm here and I'm never going to leave you again, ever!" Jared whispered as he rubbed Jensen’s back in a circular motion. Jensen’s sobbing increased and for the first time since holding him, Jensen grabbed Jared’s waist and held on tight. Jared could feel his own tears begin to well up but he refused to let them fall. He needed to be strong for Jensen.

"It's OK baby, it's OK. I'm never leaving you again, I promise you that. You'll never have to worry about where I am." Those words spoken in sincerity seemed to do the trick and Jensen’s sobbing finally subsided, leaving Jared with a sense of relief. He never wanted to see Jensen hurt if he could help it. Jensen was too good a person to be hurting like that.

Jared attempted to pull away from Jensen but Jensen simply held on to Jared, as if he was afraid that if he let go, Jared would disappear into thin air.

"I'm not going anywhere, Jensen, I just want to look at you, make sure you're OK."

"I'm fine," Jensen whispered, barely managing to get the words out.

"I know you are. You're a fighter, my little fighter," Jensen was amused at that and let out a small giggle which made Jared’s heart melt.

_God! Look what you almost came close to losing, this, all of this._

They stayed wrapped in each other’s arms for what seemed like forever until Jensen finally felt safe enough to let Jared go, at least enough to still be able to hold one of his hands in his. Jared looked down at Jensen as he stood up and saw the relief in his face. Jared understood where that was coming from. If the situation was reversed, he would have had that same look plastered on his face. For a moment, neither of them said anything. Jensen sat up in his bed holding Jared’s hand as Jared stood above him, not letting it go.

"They said you were dead. Everyone said you were in the plane when it exploded. The police were here, they said that you had di..." Jensen couldn't get the words out as the tears started to fall again, in torrents that refused to let up.

"But I'm not, Jensen. I'm here and I'm never leaving you."

Through his tears Jensen managed to let the words 'I love you so much' come through and for once, Jared did not hesitate when he said them back.

"You mean it?" Jensen whispered.

"Yes, I never meant to hurt you, baby. Shhh, please don't cry anymore." Jared begged.

"I...can't....help...it", Jensen sniffled pulling Jared into another heartfelt embrace, one that overtook Jared’s body and made him start to shake.

They stayed like that until there was a knock on the front door. Jared tried to get up but Jensen held on to him tighter than before.

"The door...," Jared started.

"Leave it. I don't want you to go."

"I'm not leaving, Jensen."

"I don't care."

With that, Jensen released his grip on Jared enough for them to be facing one another. He slowly leaned in and touched Jared’s lips with his own. All Jared could think of was how much he missed it, all of it. As their kiss deepened, the doorbell rang again and again and again.

"Shit!" Jared called out in frustration, pulling away from Jensen.

"I really think I should get that," Jared added. Looking at Jensen, he thought that Jensen would burst into tears but instead, he slowly let go of Jared’s hand and crossed it over his chest. A pout appeared on his face and for that single moment, he reminded Jared of a little boy who hadn't gotten his own way. It was such a damn cute sight!

"I'll be right back, Jensen. OK? One minute and then I'll be right back." Jared leaned into him and kissed him on the lips a final time before heading out into the living room. Jared opened the door and faced a very surprised Chris.

"Oh my God!" Chris whispered, looking Jared up and down while covering his mouth with one hand. His face was as white as a sheet and his eyes were as big as saucers.

"Thought I was dead, didn't you?" Jared said.

"Hell fucking yeah, me and half of the Goddamn country. The news... they said that you were ...oh shit.... shit...I can't believe this shit...you're OK," With that, he surprised Jared by pulling him into an embrace that shook Jared’s whole body.

"The news is a load of shit!" Jared said, his anger finally brimming to the surface.

Chris pulled away from Jared and continued to shake his head in disbelief.

Finally he spoke again, "Where's Jensen?"

Jared nodded towards the bedroom.

"Is he OK?" Chris continued.

"I don't know how to answer that, man. I mean, he seems OK but you never know. I wanted to take him to a hospital just to make sure he's really OK but he won't budge. He thinks I'm going to leave him again."

"What the fuck do you expect? You almost died and then you suddenly reappear. No wonder he doesn't want you out of his sight."

"And I understand that Chris but I'm worried about him. When I found him he was passed out on the floor for God knows how long. He could have a concussion or something we're not even aware of."

Chris digested Jared’s words. He then continued with, "OK, you're probably right but give him some time to digest all of this. Ok? He needs to be near you, he needs you to be near him. You know how Jensen is. He needs that comfort zone and right now, no doctor in the world can be that for him. He needs you Jared, now more than ever."

Jared understood all of that, he truly did. What he did not tell Chris, though, was that as much as he was a lifeline for Jensen at that moment, Jensen was also a lifeline for him.

Jared went back inside to check on Jensen only to find him fast asleep. He pulled the covers over his body and gently leaned in to kiss his forehead. Jensen did not even budge. Jared quietly left the room and walked out to the living room where Chris sat.

Chris first words to Jared as he took a seat opposite Chris were, "Son of a bitch! You know how lucky you are?"

"Yeah, I do. Shit, just the thought that that really could have been me up there. Fuck, I don't even want to think about it."

"So...I know I asked you this before but...how's Jensen doing, really?" Chris asked.

Jared looked at Chris as he spoke knowing what he was asking but not being able to respond.

"He was hysterical. He's calmed down enough now but before, I couldn't get him to let me go. It was as if he thought I would disappear again. It's totally understandable but still, I'm worried."

Chris sighed and looked at Jared, "He loves you, you know. I've never seen him so wrapped up in anyone before," Chris paused then continued, "I'm glad you're safe Jared. I'm so fucking glad. Jensen would have never made it if anything were to happen to you."

Jared never expected to hear Chris say that to him considering their history but he was sure glad he did.

"Thanks Chris. Coming from you, that's something."

After Chris left and Jared checked to see that Jensen was still asleep, he finally afforded himself the luxury of some down time. The whole experience for him was one that he wanted to forget so badly but he knew that no matter how hard he tried, he would never forget it. Who could ever forget coming that close to death? Jared had yet to come to grips with what had happened and knew that he could not do deal with things on his own, but it did not seem like the right time to be thinking about himself at the moment. There was so much he had to do, so much he had to clear up, so much he had say and with that in mind, he flipped open his cell and punched in Matt's home number.

"Hello." Matt answered, his voice sounding weary.

"Matt, it's me."

For a second or two there was silence on the line and then, "Jared?"

"Yeah, it's me. I'm OK," Jared responded.

"Holy shit! Is that really you?" He asked.

"Yeah man, it's really me," He said. All of a sudden a deep chuckle invaded the line and Matt started to laugh.

"Fuck, Jared. Jesus, have you turned on the news lately?"

"Yeah man, it's a zoo. So half of the country thinks I'm somewhere at the bottom of the Atlantic, huh?"

"Fuck, yeah. I've been trying to get in touch with everybody but no one knew where you were. I almost started to believe them sons of bitches about what happened to you."

"Well, it isn’t true! I'm alive and well, in the flesh."

"Where are you?"

"I'm at Jensen's place."

The line went quiet for a while and then Matt said, "I'm so fucking happy you're OK man. I mean it. You've been like a son to me Jared, a son and if anything had ever happened to you...," his voice trailed off but there was no mistaking the somberness of it.

"I'm OK, Matt. I'm OK. Well anyway, I should get going. I’ve got a lot of people to contact. Are you going to alert the media?"

"Yeah, I'll get the PR guy to make an announcement and later we'll schedule a press conference. Boy oh boy, you're going to make a lot of folks happy, a lot of folks."

Towards the end of the conversation, Jared was eager to get off the phone as he was so close to just losing his composure and breaking down. Not that there was something wrong with crying, far from it, but it was not his persona. He had to be the tough one, if not for him, then for Jensen, for Matt and for his fans out there.

_______________________________

Jensen awakened expecting that it was all a dream: Jared being there with him, Chris's voice, his own not so sudden urge to hold Jared and never let him go. Jensen had expected it to be a cruel dream that would keep him awake for many nights to come but when he awoke to Jared sitting in a chair across from him, writing on a note pad, Jensen knew that all that he had been through only hours before had been real. Jensen shot up like he had been hit by a bullet and grabbed his attention instantly.

"Jensen, you OK?" Jared asked, concern evident in his voice. He walked over to Jensen and sat on the edge of the bed.

Jensen wanted to say ‘yeah’, he wanted to tell Jared that everything was OK because he was here, but he couldn't. All Jensen managed to do was shake his head and then burst into tears. Words eluded him and all that was left was his intermittent whining and moaning, a sign that he was in pain, more emotional than physical.

Jared cradled Jensen’s head to his chest and kissed his forehead while at the same time holding Jensen’s hand in his.

"I'm here now baby, I'm here now," Jared repeated over and over again.

But no matter what was said, Jensen couldn't get the image of the wreckage out of his head and his initial realization that they had had a fight only hours before over something so trivial. He couldn't get out of his head that he had almost lost the love of his life and had not had the opportunity to tell Jared how he felt. He couldn't get out of his head the fact that at any given moment, life could change without warning and that every single moment had to be cherished. All of that left Jensen drained and all he wanted to do was hold Jared forever. That way, if something unfortunate were to befall him, Jensen would perish too. As his eyes became heavier once again, Jensen held onto Jared as if his life depended on it and quietly drifted off into sleep with his words keeping him company. Those precious words being:

_'I love you Jensen and you'll never have to wonder where my commitment is._

Later when Jensen had calmed down enough to be able to let Jared go for minutes at a time, he asked Jared the question that had been floating around in his mind all day.

"Where were you going?"

Jared looked up from what he had been doing and his eyes met Jensen’s.

"What?"

"The news said you chartered the plane. Where were you going?"

Jared sighed and his eyes fell from Jensen’s. Jensen’s stance seemed to stiffen and his demeanor seemed to go into protective mode.

"You don't have to tell me if you don't...," Jared cut Jensen off before he could finish his sentence by walking over to the bed and leaning down beside him.

"No, you have a right to know. I just.... I just needed to get away for a while. Things here...they just haven't been the best and then we had that stupid argument and.... I just needed to get away."

Jensen understood what Jared was saying, he really did but he had to know something else so he asked, "Then why are you not,-" Jensen felt that lump rise in his throat and he knew he was on the verge of another breakdown, "Why are you here instead of.... you should be dead."

The last word came out in a whisper and Jensen had to swallow really hard to keep from crying.

"I don't know, baby. I was supposed to be on that plane. I should have been there but...I couldn't leave like that Jensen, not when things with us were the way they were. I didn't want to go to some foreign place with us up in the air. I'm glad I didn't."

With that, Jared leaned in and kissed Jensen. A soft kiss that should have put Jensen’s troubled mind at rest but it didn't and he picked up on that.

"What's the matter?"

Jensen couldn't say what was bothering him; he just couldn't so instead he said, "nothing."

Jared wasn't letting it slide.

"Jensen, tell me, please."

"I just don't want to ruin the mood."

"You won't baby, unless you keep whatever is bothering you to yourself."

"It's just that.... I feel...," and before he could stop himself, the tears started to fall. Jared held on to Jensen not saying a word, "I feel like...it's my fault," Jensen cried, finally putting everything out there. Jared leaned away from him and looked into Jensen’s eyes.

"What’s the matter Jensen?"

"Everything! If I hadn't been an ass...you...you wouldn't have needed.... you.... I...I almost killed you...you almost died because of me."

Everything came out in a jumbled mess and Jensen could not help but look at Jared to see what Jared’s reaction would be.

The look on his face was one of shock and surprise, "Is that what this is about? You think it's your fault what happened? That you were responsible...," Jared paused, looking at Jensen for a reaction. When Jensen nodded, he continued, "Bullshit Jensen! Bullshit! How could you think that what happened was your fault, how could you?"

"Because we fought."

"And...,"

"And you were upset with me for going out with Chris."

Jared took Jensen’s hands in his and kissed them, “Now you listen to me, Jensen. What happened, what almost happened was not your fault. Everything happens for a reason and this was just one of those things. I was going to take a vacation anyway and I only hoped that you would have gone with me. If you had been there then.... shit.... we would have both been dead. You hear me, dead! If anything, you saved my life, baby. You made me feel something I have never thought I could feel for someone. That feeling made me come back to work things out. So stop that shit right now, you hear me," Jared’s voice was stern as he said those words but Jensen could feel the sincerity of it all. Jared meant every one of them and all Jensen could do was nod as Jared continued to stroke Jensen’s hands in his.

_______________________________

The press conference had been draining on Jared. Jensen could see it in his face and could hear it in Jared’s voice and all he wanted to do was rush the stage, grab his hand and run away with him, as far away from there as they could get.

The questions the journalists asked seemed to focus less on how Jared was coping with the tragedy and more on whether or not everything was a publicity stunt. Jensen wondered for the millionth time how people could be so insensitive. A whole crew was lost in the explosion and nobody seemed to give a damn.

Another reporter raised her hand and started on the subject of personal responsibility.

"Jared, do you feel that you are in anyway responsible for the deaths of that crew from American Airlines?"

Jared furrowed his brow and took a sip of water, "No, I do not! I am saddened by the deaths of those who perished on that flight but I in no way, shape or form feel responsible for their deaths. Why would you even ask me that question?"

The reporter seemed to not expect that last remark. She continued with, "Well, you did charter that flight and then mysteriously disappeared from it. If you had not chartered a flight then there would not have been a need for that plane to be in the air."

"So what you're saying is that I should have just been on that flight instead. Is that it?" Jensen could hear the anger in Jared’s voice and found himself thinking evil thoughts, thoughts of the murdering kind. Those damn reporters.

"Not at all but you have been very secretive as to why you decided not to fly to Canary Islands. Doesn't the public have a right to know?"

Jensen could have practically predicted Jared’s reaction.

"No, they don't and neither do you. First of all you people report that I was killed without finding out all the facts then you practically announce to the world that I may be to blame for the deaths of those people and finally you all have the audacity to say that the public has a right to know why I do what I do?! What’s wrong with you people??"

Jared stalked off the platform and through a side door. Jensen quickly followed suit and just in the nick of time too. Jared was throwing things around and breaking anything within reach.

"What the fuck is wrong with these people, Jensen? I come this close to death and they have the fucking nerve to want to blame me. _Blame me_ , like I had anything to do with that. Fuck them, FUCK THEM!"

Jared was practically screaming and Jensen thought that it was a good thing these doors were soundproof.

"Who cares about them, Jared? I don't, your fans don't, Matt doesn't and neither should you. Who gives a damn about what some stupid reporter has to say?"

Jared did not answer. Instead he sat on the nearest chair and did something that Jensen never expected him to do: he cried. It was not just tears streaming down his face or intermittent sniffling. It was full-blown sobbing that had his shoulders shaking violently to the point that Jensen thought he would cry out. He walked over to Jared and kneeled down, putting his arms around Jared, just as Jared had done when he was in need of a little comfort. Jared grabbed onto Jensen tightly and laid his head on Jensen’s shoulder, refusing to let go.

"It doesn't matter what anybody has to say Jared, I don't care what they say. I love you and I'll always love you no matter what, and you'll never have to wonder about my commitment to this relationship," Jensen whispered trying his best not to break down. For once Jared needed him to be the strong one and he was not about to let Jared down.

They stayed wrapped in each other’s arms until Jared’s sobbing ceased and his quivering calmed. Jensen let go of him long enough to see his face and then it happened. Jared pulled Jensen’s face towards his and their lips touched, softly at first but as time went on, their kiss became more aggressive. It was as if Jared was trying to brand Jensen with those lips. Jensen felt Jared’s hand slink down into his pants and grab onto his ass with as much force as could be expected of a man who had come so close to death.

"I want you," Jared whispered as his lips latched onto Jensen’s neck and started to suck.

"Now?" Jensen asked, my breathing becoming heavier.

"Yeah," Jared panted.

"What about.... about.... um.... them.... Matt... repo.... reporters," Jensen had trouble getting his thoughts into words. It was as if his mind was a blank slate.

"Fuck 'em. I don't give a damn who’s out there."

And that was reason enough for Jensen. He detached himself from Jared and ran to the door, locking it and then pulling down the shades.

Jared smiled a mischievous smile and motioned him over with a nod of his head.

Jensen took that as his sign to get down and dirty. Face to face, in front of Jared, Jensen prepared to unbuckle Jared’s pants and to make his descent down but Jared stopped him.

"It's my turn," Jared whispered, tonguing Jensen’s ear for only a second and then slowly kneeling in front of him. Jensen thought he would shoot right then and there, but he stopped himself. He had to enjoy the moment as long as possible. Jared unzipped Jensen’s pants ever so slowly and pulled them down in one swift motion. Jensen could feel his legs go to jelly so he grabbed onto the nearest available surface he could. Jared pulled Jensen’s underwear down.

"This is how much I love you," He whispered before going down on Jensen’s dick as Jensen could only watch in shock and amazement. Never in his wildest dreams did Jensen think that Jared would ever be doing that to him. He was actually content. Given how he felt about Jared and knowing what it was like to be naive, this was his fantasy come true.

Jared grabbed onto Jensen’s ass and squeezed each time he sucked on Jensen’s dick, and each time Jensen thought he would come but it was not until Jared deep-throated him that he let it all go and watched as Jared swallowed every drop. Jensen’s face was pure bliss. The one man Jensen knew for certain he wanted to spend the rest of his life with wanted to spend his life with him and only him as well. The thought had Jensen’s grin widening.

Jared came up off his knees and leaned in to kiss Jensen. Jensen accepted him with so much joy that Jared had to actually pull back for air.

"How was it?" Jared asked.

"You really want to know?" Jensen whispered.

"Yeah."

"This is how great it was," And with that, Jensen proceeded to disrobe Jared completely, lay him on the nearby desk and climb on top of him. It was not the most comfortable place and position to have sex, but to Jensen, it was not about sex, it was about showing Jared how much he appreciated him and how much he was dedicated to them.

As Jensen leaned over for a condom and lube, Jared ran his hands down Jensen's back, over his ass and thighs and planted kisses all over his throat and shoulder. They were quick about it, both desperate for Jared to be inside Jensen. Jensen slipped the condom on Jared as Jared pushed a lube-covered finger inside Jensen, stretching him slightly. Seconds later Jensen squeezed Jared's shoulders and captured his mouth in a fierce kiss, as he lowered himself on Jared.

Jared held onto Jensen’s waist as Jensen rode his dick till finally he heard that familiar grunt and he felt Jared cum, and there they were, him on top of Jared, Jared inside of him, in a locked office with every major news network on the other side of the door and for once, Jensen did not care. That was where he wanted to be.  



	24. Chapter 24

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> None of this would be possible and readable without my awesome beta, [](http://bigj52.livejournal.com/profile)[bigj52](http://bigj52.livejournal.com/)  . I learn from you everyday.

Jared tried really hard to find words to describe what he was feeling. It was like a euphoric high without the drugs. He had never been this happy and content with his life and he wanted to take those feeling and run with it as far as he could. Of course life has a way of getting in the way but unlike all those times before, Jared was not letting it take over his relationship. After all, only one of them could steer the boat and that was without a doubt him. Sometimes, of course, Jared had come close to reverting to his old ways but all he had to do was just look over at Jensen and see what he had and he just knew he had to find a compromise. It was not a case of choosing his music or Jensen anymore. It was not even an option Jared was willing to consider. It was either Jensen or nothing and Jared was definitely choosing Jensen. Of course all this was said and done while Jared was out of the studio and on a vacation so the full reality of what they were going to deal with when they got back to the 'real world' had not hit them yet, and there was still the obvious problem of Patrick. Jared was behind almost a month and a half with his money. Patrick was monopolising Jared’s cell phone like a crazy man, and it was getting harder for Jared to hide what he was doing from Jensen. Just the night before Jensen had asked him about it and they had come so close to an all-out shouting match.

"Jared?"

"Yeah."

"Your phone is going off again," and indeed when Jared picked it up, he saw Patrick’s number flashing on the screen.

"Yeah, thanks," Jared leaned over and kissed Jensen on the lips before walking over to the sofa and sitting down in front of the television.

"Aren't you going to answer it?"

"Nah."

"Jared."

Jared could tell by the tone of Jensen’s voice what was coming and he tried to change the subject.

"You want to go out tonight, maybe down to our usual diner?"

"No," Jensen paused, and then continued, "I want to know who's been calling you every hour on the hour."

Jared could hear the jealousy in Jensen’s voice and tried to offer an explanation.

"It's nobody, Jensen, probably a wrong number. You would think the sucker on the other line would know by now that I am not the one he’s been looking for."

Jensen turned to him and cracked a smile, "I'm not amused, Jared and I'm not stupid either,” With that he turned on his heel and walked out of the room towards the patio that led outside.

"Jensen," Jared called after him, following close behind.

When they were neck and neck, Jared tried to kiss Jensen but Jensen pushed him away.

"If you don't want me to know who's texting you, then tell me you don't want me to know but don't stand there and lie to my face about it."

Jared could hear the anger in Jensen’s voice and all of a sudden, he started to panic. He did not want to involve Jensen in a mess of his own making but he did not want to hide it from Jensen either. Jared decided to come clean - at least half-way.

"Fine, fine, I'm sorry, OK. It's just that I don't want to get you involved in this mess that I'm going through."

Jensen reached out and took Jared’s hand in his, "I'm already involved, Jared. We're in a relationship, right?"

"Yeah," Jared answered meekly.

"And we're serious about giving this our best shot, right?"

"Of course."

"Then that means that we need to be honest with each other when there is a problem that affects one of us."

Jared sighed and then said, "You're right."

"Good."

"But this is something I need to handle by myself, baby. I know you want to help but all you'll end up doing is getting in the way. I don't want to have to worry about me and you."

Jensen looked at him with something that resembled anger but soon turned into fear, "Are you in some sort of trouble, Jared?"

"No, Jensen. I just…I've just been dealing with some people that I need to deal with and when it's done, it's done."

"And that's who's texting you?"

"Yeah."

For a moment, by the look on Jensen’s face, Jared thought that his lie had become apparent but then Jensen shook his head and took Jared into his arms.

"Don't lie to me ever again, Jared. I swear...," His voice slipped off into oblivion, leaving Jared breathing a sigh of relief.

_______________________________

Thinking about how close Jared had come to almost getting caught reminded him that he still had to find a way to deal with Patrick and he had to find a way to deal with him immediately. He walked to his bedroom door and after checking to see that Jensen was still asleep, quietly shut the door. He made his way over to the patio and closed the door behind him. Picking up his cell phone, Jared dialed Patrick’s number, hoping that he would not pick up but knowing damn well that he would.

"What the fuck took you so long?" The anger in Patrick’s voice came through loud and clear and it pissed Jared off. Who the fuck did Patrick think he was?

"I told you I'd deal with the money when I get back."

"I don't give a fuck what you told me! It's been almost two months, man and I have not seen one red cent from your ass yet! What the fuck are you trying to do!?!"

"You know I don't have that kind of cash lying around, Patrick, and what the fuck are you trying to do, texting me every hour on the hour?"

"Listen asshole, I can text you as many times as I want and the next time you pull a fucking stunt like that, you'll regret it. I'll have every major paper with your picture and then everyone can see what a fucking fruit Jared Padalecki really is."

"Fuck you. Fuck you!" and with that Jared slammed the phone shut. A second passed and then two before it started to ring again. He picked it up knowing damn well he was on the other line.

"Glad to see I got your attention. Now listen up. Enough of all this bullshit. I know you got the cash and I know you can get it whenever and don't you fucking try and deny it ‘cause I know the drill. I want what I'm owed plus an extra grand for making me run after your ass and I want it tomorrow, same time, same place. You got it??"

What Jared would not have done to be able to reach through the phone and strangle Patrick till he stopped breathing.

"You got it? "

"Yeah, I got it," Jared growled, barely managing to hold his anger in check.

"Good, now don't be late or you're going to regret it. Sleep tight, sweet pea," and with that, Patrick hung up, leaving Jared with the urge to drive all the way over to his place and burn the joint down. Jared actually had to shake himself out of that thought because he knew if he were to dwell on it too long, too hard, he might have gone ahead and done it. He would have done anything to get that jerk out of his life, but he had to think about someone other than himself, because anything that he did would not only affect him it would affect Jensen. If Jared was thrown in prison because of a hasty decision on his part, Jensen would be the one left out there to suffer and that, Jared could not allow. He walked back inside and took his time opening the bedroom door, getting into bed with his man and gently pulling the covers over both of them.

_______________________________

It had been a week since Chris had moved to LA and all he could think about was the fact that he missed Nashville. As he got ready to hang out with a few of his new colleagues, Chris could not help but think that it was the first time in a long time that he wished he had stayed home back in Nashville.

His phone rang, breaking his thoughts.

"Hello," he answered keeping the edge out of his voice.

"Hey Chris, it's Steve."

"Hey Steve, what's up? You guys leaving already?"

"Yeah, but there has been a change of plans."

"OK, what's on the agenda?"

"Well Jason's best friend is in from Nashville and he decided we should take him out with us tonight."

"No problem."

"Well...we decided that instead of going to the club, we could probably go out to eat instead and maybe do a movie, his friend isn't into the club thing and frankly, I'm not up to it either."

To say that Chris was relieved would have been an understatement. He was ecstatic.

"That's great, Steve."

"Yeah and guess what?"

"What?"

"His friend is gay and single."

_Uh huh, here we go._

For the past few weeks, Steve and his other colleagues had been trying to set Chris up with the perfect guy and Chris had graciously accepted most if not all their offers but that night, he was not in the mood.

"Not interested. Haven't you learned anything from the last three or four men you tried to fix me up with?"

"Actually, I have. You're just picky. But trust me Chris, this one is a keeper. He's rich, good looking, big di..." Chris did not need to hear anymore and he told Steve so.

"OK, OK, but promise me you'll give it a decent try, not like with Brian."

"Yeah, OK, but this is it. I can find my own man to fuck."

"I'm sure you can," and with that, Steve hung up.

What is up with attached people that makes them rush to find their single friends a partner? Chris thought about his new circle of friends. He had met Steve in college almost seven years ago. They got along and he was a cool guy but not Chris’s type. He had a girlfriend of two years. Jason had been working with Chris since ‘04. Julie and her husband, Josh, had been together since ‘99 and both had been good friends of Chris. As Chris got ready to take a shower, he decided that the best he could do for the sake of his friends was to go with the flow and see where he would end up.

_______________________________

Chris had barely walked into the restaurant when he was nearly mobbed by a group of eager beavers waiting to be seated. The one to his right was a loud-mouthed redhead that kept on pawing her better half as if she were a cat and he a tree.

"Excuse me," Chris stated as she bumped against Chris for what seemed like the fifth time.

"What!" She replied, releasing her grip on her companion and turning to face Chris, her facial features turning ever so slowly into a scowl.

"I said 'excuse me’. You bumped into me."

"So?"

'Fuck it!' Chris thought, turning onto his heel and about to walk out when a man walking through the door bumped into him again.

"Where the fuck are your manners, man?" Chris balked, looking up just as the man passed him.

The man stopped and turned to face Chris, the words "I'm sorry," barely leaving his lips when a look of recognition lit up his face. Chris could imagine his own face wearing a similar expression.

"Misha!" Chris cried out, his voice betraying his shock. It had been a while since he had seen Misha.

"Chris! Hi, how are you?" Misha walked up to Chris and as if it were a natural thing to do, he hugged Chris. Chris was so surprised that he melted so easily into Misha’s embrace. It was not as if they had parted on the best of terms.

Misha pulled apart from Chris and ran a hand through his hair.

"Wow. I didn't expect to see you here. What are you doing here anyway?"

Even though Misha’s face remained neutral, his voice betrayed his nervousness.

"Same as you, I suppose. Some good food, drinks, music. I'm actually meeting a group of my colleagues," Chris looked down at his watch and then continued with, "Actually, they're running a bit late. You?"

"A friend," Misha paused and as if he wanted to ask a question, he raised his finger to his chin, "Uh...so. Are you living in LA now?"

"Yeah. It’s been here a few months now. Pretty neat place but it's no Nashville, I'll give you that."

Misha laughed and Chris had to block out all memories associated with that.

"Yeah, no Nashville," Misha was about to say something else when the front door opened and Chris spotted some of his party making their way through it.

"Chris!" Chris looked over the heads of other diners and finally spotted Julie and Josh.

"Guys, over here!" Chris shouted and waved. Finally having caught their attention, Chris turned to face Misha.

"Well, my friends are here."

"Yeah."

"And I should go."

"I know."

"So if you want to join us until your friend shows up...you're welcome."

Misha seemed excited at the prospect but then, "Nah, I don't want to intrude,-"

"No, come on. It'll be fun. Besides, we've got a lot of catching up to do, it's been a while."

"Yeah...too long, Chris," Misha’s voice filled him with a sense of something that he feared was remorse or maybe regret.

"I'm sorry Misha, I really am."

"Forget it...I'm over it...I really am."

"Then come join me...please," Chris put on what he thought was his pleading look and was surprised to see Misha’s resilience wavering. Finally Misha relented and shook his head. By then, Julie and Josh had made it to Chris’s side and were exchanging introductions with Misha

Julie must have sensed the electricity between them so she went in for the kill.

"So Misha, you and Chris know each other?"

"Yeah we do, from Nashville. We used to da...uh, we used to hang out."

"You guys used to 'hang out' a lot?" Julie asked placing heavy emphasis on the words ‘hang out’.”

"Uh...yeah, we did," Misha answered his voice somber and his eyes piercing Chris’s. Chris had to quickly avert his gaze to keep the guilt at bay.

"Come on now, Julie. Don't grill the man," Chris interjected before things got too complicated to handle. Misha seemed grateful for the save and smiled with a sense of relief.

"OK, OK, no need to get all sensitive, Chris. Come on guys, our seats are ready," With that she took Josh's hand and led the way to their table.

So there they were, two couples sitting across from each other, waiting for the other to speak first when all of a sudden, Chris heard, "Well I'll be damned, look what the cat dragged in. Fuck Misha, get up and give your boy a hug."

Chris looked over his shoulder and saw Jason approach Misha from his side of the table and grab him up in a bear hug.

"Fuck, you got big, man."

"Yeah...well ,look at you!" Continuing to hug they looked at each other. Finally they acknowledged the rest of the group.

"Chris, Chris, Chris. Why am I not surprised?" Jason stated.

"What!" Chris proclaimed innocently, knowing damn well what Jason was implying. He could tell by the glances he was sending Chris’s way.

"I see you've met your date for tonight. Misha this is my friend and colleague Chris and Chris, this is my boy Misha."

By that point, Chris was way past surprised and just had to smile inwardly to keep from laughing out loud.

"We know each other from back home," Chris stated, clearing up the confused look on Jason's face.

"Yeah," Misha concurred.

"So much for a set-up!" Jason quickly interjected, shaking his head and pulling out a seat for his girlfriend, Kristin.

Misha turned to look at Chris at the exact moment that Chris turned to look at him and quickly averted his gaze when their eyes met. Chris could tell by the way Misha constantly shifted in his seat that he was uncomfortable, and if Chris was willing to admit it, so was he.

"Shit!" called Jason, breaking into Chris’s thoughts and turning all attention on him.

"What?" replied Julie.

"What day is today?" He continued.

"The 22nd, why?"

"Shit, shit, shit!"

"Jason, what's the matter?" Kristin interjected, her right hand reaching for her boyfriend's left.

"The concert," Jason stated, slapping his hand to his forehead.

"Shit, you're right!" Josh added.

Chris sensed a plan here and his suspicions were quickly confirmed when eventually everyone got up and started putting on their coats.

"You got the tickets, Jason?" Josh asked, avoiding Chris’s steady gaze.

"Yeah buddy, right here. I can't believe we forgot!" Jason answered, his attempt to hide his ever-growing smile failing.

"Sure you did. You are one fucked-up friend, you know that, Jason," Chris stated, his hands crossed over his chest, "I bet you there happens to be six tickets there."

Jason pulled out his wallet and counted off the tickets for everyone to see.

"Yup, six tickets, ready, waiting and accounted for. It’s Zeppelin, Chris. You know how I feel about that band,” and with that, he burst out laughing.

"You're one sick fuck, you know that," Chris growled to no one in particular. It was not that he was angry. It was just that he would be left alone with Misha and he was not prepared for that, not yet.

"Yeah? Well you can give all the honors to the ladies, they planned it all," Josh said leaning in to kiss Kristin.

Chris shook his head and was about to speak again when Misha piped in, "Well, good one guys, really."

"Well, at least my best friend has a sense of humor," Jason chimed in.

Chris turned to look at Misha and the look on his face told Chris that he had something planned and that Chris should just play along. Well, he was all for it.

"Fine, good one, I'll give you that," Chris dryly stated.

They both got up from the table and proceeded to say their goodbyes. While Chris shook all the hands of the men, Misha got up close and personal and hugged all four of them. Chris felt a hint of jealousy but he quickly shook it away.

As they all walked out, smiles adorning their faces as if they had accomplished something, Misha turned to Chris and held out his hand.

"You son of a bitch," Chris stated, shaking his head. In the palm of Misha’s hands lay four wallets.

"You should trust me more, Chris."

"I guess I should. Where did you learn to do that?"

"I wasn't always a doctor, you know."

Chris shook his head again and removed Jason's wallet from the stack. Opening it, he saw the stack of cash and sure enough, six tickets to the concert. Oh! Jason was going to be pissed!

After a while, the moment began to wear off and once again things were as awkward as they were in the beginning.

"So...," Chris started but Misha cut him off.

"We don't have to do this, Chris. I'm sure Jason will understand and,-"

"And what? I don't mind, honestly. Why don’t we have dinner on them?" Chris smirked, holding up a wad of cash taken from all four wallets. Misha returned the smile and replied with an "OK."

As they quietly went over the menu, Chris shook his head and thought once again how ironic the whole situation was.

_______________________________

As his eyes adjusted to the light around him, Chris became painfully aware that something was missing. He did not know what it was yet but he had a feeling that kept telling him that something was not right. It could have been the fact that the beige wallpaper was not that of his own apartment or that the massive French doors came nowhere close to resembling his timber ones. What really gave it away though was the pair of white boxers that were folded neatly on the chair closest to the bedroom door. Chris knew that he didn't wear boxers and that he was in no way a neat freak so he had to assume that the boxers and the surrounding property belonged to someone else. And as if on cue, he spoke up, "You're awake. Good. You want milk and sugar with your coffee? I'm also making breakfast, you have a choice of oatmeal with toast or eggs and bacon," Misha stated, crossing over from the bathroom into the bedroom with a towel around his waist that barely managed to cover him.

Chris sat up and rubbed his eyes in a move to ensure that he wasn't imagining things.

"Chris, you OK?" Misha asked again, stopping to cast a long look his way. One filled with obvious concern.

"Yeah, thanks," Chris replied, trying to clear his head in an effort to remove the cloudiness and somehow remember what had happened between them the night before. He couldn't think though, not with Misha parading in front of him half-naked, already making a tempting situation more appealing.

"Put on some clothes, will you?" Chris stated a little too harshly. Misha stopped rummaging through a closet and turned to look at him, a look of anxiety written all over his face.

"Yeah...sure," and with that he pulled on a t-shirt and a pair of faded blue jeans. He walked back into the bathroom and reappeared shortly, holding a fresh towel and washcloth in one hand.

"Here. You're free to take a shower if you want, I'll be outside," Before Chris could respond, he walked out of the room and closed the door gently behind him.

As soon as he left, Chris held his hand in his head and began to silently curse himself.

_You fucking idiot! What have you gone and done now?!_

Chris remembered them eating dinner, talking and actually laughing as if they were the best of friends. He remembered the bottle of wine he had insisted they order and he remembered the repeated refill of vodka afterwards. He remembered insisting that they ride back together in his car instead of Misha taking a cab. He remembered Misha taking the wheel and then him passing out. It didn't take a lot of deduction to figure out the rest of the story. They obviously had sex last night, and a lot of it judging by the number of used condoms not too carefully concealed in the trashcan beside the bed, and Chris couldn't help but think that he was being a real asshole by starting things with Misha allover again. He didn't want a repeat of what went down between them in LA. He didn't need all that drama again but obviously it was there and he knew he had to deal with it before things had an opportunity to get out of hand.

Chris grabbed the towel and washrag from a nearby chair and headed for the shower.

_______________________________

Misha stood by the stove pretending to pay attention to the bacon frying in the pan but Chris knew that was the least important thing on his mind, it had to be. Chris had come into the kitchen all geared up to thank Misha for a wonderful night and for his hospitality, but one look at Misha’s face told him that that just wasn't the way to go. Misha wasn't just a nameless trick who had brought Chris home for the night; it was someone who Chris cared a great deal about, even if it didn't seem like it.

"Misha, about last night,-" Chris started.

"Forget it."

"No, I'm sorry about everything. I,-"

"Shit Chris! I said forget it!" His voice had raised at least an octave and Chris could make out a prominent vein in his neck.

"Fine," Chris replied, quietly avoiding his eye.

"You know what? I don't even know why I bother anymore. It's like I'm wasting my time with you. I know you don't want to have anything to do with me and I still keep trying to push it...," and as Misha rambled on, it became clear to Chris that there was more to this than met the eye.

"What are you talking about, Misha?" Chris asked.

"I knew it was you," Misha stated firmly.

"What do you mean you knew it was me?" Chris challenged.

"When Jason told me about his mystery friend, he showed me a photo of you. I knew from the get go that it was you and I still went ahead with the plan."

"But why?"

"Because...because I can't get it through my thick skull that you and I are through," That simple confession on Misha’s part threw Chris for a loop. He had long ago assumed that Misha had moved on to bigger and better things and that he was just a distant memory for him but obviously, he had been wrong.

Misha moved away from Chris and towards the stove, turning off the heat under the frying pan. His back was towards Chris but Chris could tell that he had grown tense. His shoulders seemed stiff and he refused to move from his position.

"That's not true," Chris proclaimed, walking over to where Misha stood and placing a hand on his shoulder.

Misha did not turn around but he did not push his hand off his shoulder either, "What isn't true?"

"That I didn't want to have anything to do with you. That's bullshit."

"You could have fooled me."

Chris sighed. Of course Misha was right. He had treated Misha less than admirably and that was, of course, right up his alley but unlike the times and men before, Chris actually felt guilty about it.

"I know I acted like the biggest asshole there ever was and I gave the impression that I didn't care, but it wasn't like that."

Misha shook his head and started to laugh. He shook Chris’s hand off his shoulder and turned around to face him, a cold glare added to his features, "And what was it like Chris? You sure as hell didn't treat me like you gave a damn. It was 'wham, bam, thank you ma'am' and you were gone. So don't stand in front of me and tell me that it wasn't like that."

He pushed his way past Chris and headed for the bedroom closing the door behind him. As Chris watched him go, the only thought he had was,

_What the hell do you expect from me?_

That was not a question Chris was ready to confront yet. Besides, it was too early for Chris to be getting so analytical.


	25. Chapter 25

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> AU / Everybody has a dream. Some people make their dreams come true. Some just let their life slip by thinking about it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> None of this would be possible and readable without my awesome beta,[](http://bigj52.livejournal.com/profile)[bigj52](http://bigj52.livejournal.com/) . I learn from you everyday.

Jensen was losing his mind.  Five days in a row he had stayed with Jared and did nothing except eat, sleep and the obvious. But it had not been so much fun when Jared was out running the streets playing FBI secret agent when he thought Jensen was asleep.  The only reason Jensen had not confronted Jared about his routine yet was because he wanted to give Jared the opportunity to tell him what was on his mind rather than forcing his hand.  For Jensen, it was all a matter of trust, and he trusted Jared to the fullest, or at least that was what he kept telling himself every time he would wake up to an empty bed after a night of illustrious lovemaking.  Not to say that he did not have his suspicions, for he did, he just refused to believe that Jared was having an affair with someone else. On the fifth day in a row that Jensen woke up cold and alone, he had had it and he wanted answers.  Confronting Jared was not an option and invading his privacy by scanning through his text messages was something Jensen was not prepared to do so the next best thing would have been to do what any suspicious spouse would do.

Jensen waited for Jared to quietly make his exit that morning and then he followed him in a cab. Finally Jared slowed down and so did the cab. Jensen handed the driver a twenty and made his exit, barely managing to avoid being caught.  Jared's head moved from side to side as he made his way to a subway stop and waited.

Ten minutes went by and nothing, then all of a sudden, "Where the fuck have you been?"  Jared called out, making a mad dash across the street.

 From Jensen’s vantage point from behind a newsstand he was barely able to make out the figure of another person.  He tried to cross the street amongst the busy six am traffic and was almost run over by a truck.  Ensuring that he was still intact, Jensen ducked behind a telephone booth and was rewarded when their voices carried to him.

"You got it?"  Jensen heard and he knew he had heard it somewhere before but could not put a face to that tone.

"Yeah.  Where the fuck were you this morning?  I haven't got time to be wasting with your ass," Jared said, the anger ever present in his voice.

"Watch it J.T., after all, you don't want to push my ass too far.  You never know what I might do with it or who might see it," and then he laughed and it was like a light bulb went on in Jensen’s head.

_Son of a Bitch!_

"You know if you weren't such an asshole we could have had such a beautiful relationship.  You could have had all the ass you ever dreamed of.”

Jensen had to restrain himself from jumping out and killing him.

"I don't want any of what you're peddling," Jared growled.

"Yeah, well, too bad!  You're paying me, so you might as well have been fucking me, getting your money’s worth."

Jensen was waiting for Jared's reply but he did not have one.

"See you next month, sweetheart," Patrick said, making a smacking noise with what Jensen imagined were his lips before disappearing across the street and into the crowd.

Jensen did not see Jared follow him so he assumed Jared was still there, and decided it was time to confront Jared about what had just happened.  He stepped out of his hiding spot and just as Jared was about to cross the street, Jensen called out to him.  Jared turned to the sound of Jensen’s voice and his face fell.

"What the fuck?" Jared called out, walking towards Jensen.

"Why didn't you tell me?" Jensen inquired.

"What the hell are you doing here, Jensen?  What the hell is wrong with you? Are you following me?" Jared responded; his anger very apparent but Jensen refused to back down. He was determined to deal with things immediately.

"Yes.  I followed you."

"Fuck!  Fuck!!  You had no fucking right!!!"

"The fuck I didn't!  You lied to me!" Jensen cursed, unable to hold his anger in, "You're supposed to be my boyfriend and I'm supposed to be able to trust you."

"Fuck trust.  Fuck Trust!  And you know what Jensen, fuck you too!"  And with that Jared ran across the street, jumped into his car and sped off.  Jensen stood there like a statue, unable to move.  He could not believe what had just happened and he had been well and ready to concede that it was his fault until he did a quick replay of what had just gone down.

_Hell no!  I am not going to take the blame for this! I am fed up with always having to be the peacemaker in our relationship.  What gave Jared the right to talk to me like I am an insignificant speck of dust anyway?  He lies and I am to blame?  If that was really how he felt then maybe we have no future together._

It was no surprise that five minutes later Jensen was in the back of a cab, unable to stop the flow of tears that came.

_______________________________

As the midtown traffic caught up with Jared he could not help but think back to what had transpired between him and Jensen a few minutes ago.  He knew he had been a bit harsh but he was so upset.  He did not mean for his anger to just brim over the surface like it had but having things being thrown at him from all sides was just too much for him to deal with and as usual, he ended up taking his anger out on the one person he shouldn't have.  He almost took the next side street in an attempt to turn around and go back to Jensen, but he did not.  Instead he continued home as if all was well with the world.  
_______________________________

 

"So are we going to deal with this or not?"

"We will, just not today."

"Why not?"

"Because I got things to do, Matt."

Matt paused, sighed and then continued with, "Are you on drugs Jared, ‘cause if you are we can work on that.  There's a treatment facility upstate that will clean you right up and no one has to know."

Jared almost laughed, "Hell no! I am not on drugs!  Why would you even ask me that, man?"

"Because you haven’t been acting like yourself.  You're evasive when I ask you any questions concerning money and... just call it a gut feeling, man. I have been around the block a whole lot of times so I know when something is wrong.  And buddy, something has been bothering you for a long time.  You can trust me, Jared.  Whatever it is I want to help."

Jared had to admit it was a welcome admission but what could he possibly say to Matt? That he was in love with his ex-publicist, paying off his ex-manager to keep quiet about the fact that they had fucked and that he was afraid of losing everything he had worked for?  No. He could not tell Matt any of that and if he could not tell Matt that then Matt couldn't help him.

"I'm fine, man.  I'm not on drugs."

"Then what is it?  Why have you been so evasive then?"

"Because I.... I.... I'm not being evasive.  I just feel like my finances are my business.  You're a businessman, Matt, you know the drill."

"Yeah, I _do_ know the drill which is why I'm concerned.  Answer me this, Jared. Are you a liable to me?  Be straight up. Should I be worried about investing my money and my reputation on you and your career?"

"No!  I'm legit, Matt.  Every part of me and I have no damn liability either.  I just need some time to get my shit together, that's it.  That's all I'm asking of you.  Give me some space and some time," By then Jared was practically begging Matt.  He needed for Matt to believe in him.

"Fine.  You got your time but I'm going to eventually want answers about what's happening.  Don't let me pick up some tabloid and read about you inside.  No matter what, let me hear it from you first, that's all I ask.  You cool with that?"

"Yeah man, I'm cool.  Listen, I got to go but I'll talk to you later in the week, OK?"

"OK, bye."

"Bye."

That was just too close for comfort.  Jared had come home expecting to just be able to relax and then Matt called.  An accountant had picked up on some of Jared’s withdrawing habits and voiced his concern to Matt who in turn brought his concerns to him. Why couldn't he do as he pleased with his money when he was the one who had to work his ass off to get it?  At the same time he could understand Matt’s concern. He was a commodity, and he had a vested interest in him and if he fucked up Matt would be fucked too, so....

The doorbell rang and broke Jared out of his train of thought.  He already knew who it was and took his time in answering it, maybe to prolong the inevitable or to give his thoughts an opportunity to get it together.

Jensen stood in front of him, shoulders slumped and features distorted.  Jared was about to say something when he spoke, "I'm not going to apologize, Jared.  I hate always having to apologize for things that you do.  I'm sorry I followed you but I was worried about you.  You've been so secretive with me and I began to wonder if you were...I was wrong for that but...you shouldn't have kept that from me."

For a moment, Jared thought Jensen would actually lash out at him but instead Jensen started to cry and it caught him off-guard.

"Oh baby," Jared said, pulling Jensen into his arms and holding him tight, "Don't cry.  Please baby, don't cry," Jared whispered over and over again while stroking the back of Jensen’s neck with the palm of his hand.  Jensen gently rubbed his head in the crook of Jared’s neck and held onto his waist as if it were a life raft.

"I'm sorry, I'm so sorry, Jensen.  No more secrets, I promise you that, no more secrets," And he meant it.  Everything was finally out in the open and Jared felt a sense of relief that was not there before.  It was if a weight had been lifted off his shoulders.

"I know you are," Jensen whispered.

As if running on pure adrenaline Jared asked Jensen a question that had been running through his mind for the last few days.

"Would you stick by me if I decided to just come out to everyone?"

"What?" Jensen looked up at him and took a step back.

"Would you stick by me if I decided to just come out to everyone? The media, Matt, my fans, everyone.  Would you still be there?"

"Yes," The fact that Jensen answered without much hesitation made Jared’s decision so much easier to make.

"Good, because I think that's what I'm going to do."

"Are you sure, Jared?  I mean, this is not something you can take back."

"I know, but I need to do this for me, for us.  We're going to keep on fighting over pointless things like the situation with Patrick if I don't do this."

"And what about your career?  I love you to death, Jared and I support whatever decision you feel you have to make but what about your music? I know you love singing and I can't see you going the rest of your life without it.  It won't be pretty."

Jared kissed his forehead, "I know my career might probably be over but who cares?"  It hurt him to say those words but he would not let Jensen know that.

"Have you thought about it? I mean, really sat down and thought about what it would mean?"

"Yes.  I don't want Patrick to have this shit over my head forever.  It's coming between the two things I care about the most, you and my sanity.  If I'm out, he won't have any leverage and he'll be the one left holding the bag.  Who the hell is going to want to hire him when they find out he's an extortionist?  His ass will be left out there."

Jensen sighed and reached for Jared again, "I know. I'm just afraid."

"Afraid of what?"  Jared questioned.

"Afraid that this is a hasty decision and that you'll regret it after you do it."

"I won't."  Jared ventured.

"You might."

Jared sighed, "Jensen, let me ask you something.  You love me?"

"Yes, with all my heart."

"And you trust me?"

"Of course."

“And no matter what happens you'll be there for me?"

"Yes, always."

"Then as long as I have you I have nothing to worry about," And even though those were powerful words, Jared had to keep repeating them over and over and over again in his head just to convince himself that he was ready to take the next step.  Jensen was right, there was no going back. As of that moment Jared felt as if he had made that first crucial step by admitting what he needed to do and what he knew in his heart needed to be done.  As Jensen held him Jared closed his eyes and silently prayed that he was making the right decision.  



	26. Chapter 26

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> AU / Everybody has a dream. Some people make their dreams come true. Some just let their life slip by thinking about it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> None of this would be possible and readable without my awesome beta,[](http://bigj52.livejournal.com/profile)[bigj52](http://bigj52.livejournal.com/) . I learn from you everyday.

Jensen peeked out from behind the curtain and watched as Jared made a final bow to the crowd and ran off the stage in his direction.  Jared smiled when he saw Jensen and winked.  Instinctively Jensen turned around to see if anyone else had caught it but found that everyone was busy with one thing or another.  As Jared closed the gap between them Jensen’s palms began to get sweaty and he had to wipe them on his jeans.

"Hey Jen.  You enjoyed the show?" Jared asked, taking both Jensen’s hands in his and holding them for what seemed like forever when in fact it was just a few seconds.

"Uh...yeah.  The crowd really seemed into it," Jensen said, taking another look over his shoulder and consequently into the crowd.  From what he could see there was not an empty seat left in the arena and the crowd seemed more riled up than ever, chanting Jared’s name.

"Yes, they were.  God, it seems every time I do a show it just gets better and better," As if the realities of what he had said hit him he continued with, "I'm going to miss this, man.  All of it - the lights, the crowds, the enigma of it all.  This is all I know.  I don't know how I'm going to survive without it."

Jensen wanted to say something. He wanted to look Jared in the eye and tell him that everything was going to be fine but he knew that was not true.  How could he look at Jared and tell him that giving up everything he had spent most of his life working for would be easy? He couldn't.  So like a scared pack rat he just avoided Jared’s eyes and looked down at his feet.

"Anyway, that's not what's important, right?  We're going to blow them away baby, you and me.  We're going to make an incredible life together...you and me."

Jensen could not tell if Jared was saying that for his benefit or for his own. All Jensen knew for certain was that he felt an incredible amount of guilt in his heart. How could he not? The man was giving up not only his job but also his life for them, and while a fulfilling relationship and a lifetime with the man he loved was what Jensen had always wanted, he was beginning to wonder if the price of it all was just too high. He couldn't tell Jared that though. How could he? He was the one who had brought him to that point of discovery.  How could he just come in and rearrange his life and priorities and then all of a sudden express his doubts?  It just wouldn't be fair to Jared.  The chanting of the crowd reached a fever pitch level and drowned out Jensen’s thoughts.

"I should go. After all, can't keep the fans waiting," Jared stated and with that, he ran back out on to the stage and out of Jensen’s line of sight, leaving him alone with his thoughts.

_______________________________

"How should I do it?"

Jensen looked up from the book he had been reading and turned to look at Jared who had been pacing the bedroom floor for the last half an hour, something that was slowly beginning to get on Jensen’s nerves.

"Do what?" Jensen questioned, looking at Jared intently.  Something was up, that much he knew.

"Come out.  I mean, how should I say it? You know, I was thinking I can make it less of a statement and more of my right to live my life in private."

"I don't know.  How do you think you should do it?" Jensen countered.  One look at Jared’s face and Jensen knew he was in trouble.

"You don't know?  Come on, Jensen!  You did this before. Help me out here!"

"I don't know what to tell you, Jared.  It's just something you have to work out on your own.  I can't tell you how to come out.  Each person is different.  The way someone else came out may not be the best way for you to come out."

"Well , I'm not asking you the best way for someone else to come out. I don't give a fuck about that.  I'm asking you what you think is the best way for me to come out," By that point, Jensen could tell that Jared was getting agitated, the tell-tale signs were in his voice.

"I don't know, Jared.  It's not something I can advise you on." 

Jensen knew that was a copout but he was at a loss for words.

"You don't know? You don't know!  Fine!  Well, as my goddamn publicist, could you please give me some fucking advice on how I should handle this shit?!" Jared screamed, and it was as if a dam had burst and all Jensen’s frustrations came pouring out.

"Don't you dare fucking scream at me, Jared.  For your information, I am your former publicist and I have no advice to offer you on how to handle this shit so just get off my fucking back about it!  If you wanted to come out, you just would, without all this beating around the bush!"

"You know what? Fuck...," Jared started but then stopped.  He shook his head and started to walk out of the room but then stopped, turned and walked back over to Jensen, "I'm so fucking sorry I want to get your seal of approval for matters that concern our fucking relationship.  I'm sorry that I want to consult with you before I go and do this and I'm sorry I give a damn about your feelings!  Next time I won't be so fucking considerate!"  And with that Jared walked out leaving Jensen feeling lower than shit.  All Jensen had to do was talk to Jared and even that he could not achieve without fucking it up.  Once again a strong sense of guilt overwhelmed him and he felt as if he were responsible for all the happenings that were occurring between them recently.  His sudden wave of regret and Jared’s newfound need to show his true self to the world was something that Jensen was not prepared to deal with.  Jensen never imagined things would come so far and once they had, he felt as if he was allowing everything that he had ever hoped for and dreamed of to slowly and ever so painfully slip through his fingers without a fight.

_______________________________

_Why did things have to be this complicated? Why the fuck did it have to be me?  Out of all the musicians out there, why the hell did I have to be the one to turn out like this?_

Jared could not help but thinking how his life had been perfect before all of that.  Before, he had no doubts about his sexuality, his career or his future plans.  He was a hetero man who had no problems with getting laid. His career was right where he wanted it to be and he envisioned himself singing to the masses for the next twenty years, but suddenly everything had changed and there was nothing he could do about it.  It was not as if he could turn back time to make things go back to the way they were.  Jared could not change his feelings for Jensen even if he wanted to.  They were way past that.  He was too far gone, in too deep with Jensen to even consider ever going back.  He was ready to throw everything he ever envisioned himself doing for something with Jensen and all Jensen could do was blow it off with his fucked-up indecision.  What did Jensen have to be indecisive about?  He was out to everyone; he had his life in order.  He was not the one about to make a life-altering decision that could break a dream; he was not the one about to change his lifestyle; he was not in Jared’s position and yet still he was behaving as if the burden of the world was on his shoulders.  What did he have to worry about? He needed Jensen to be there for him and all he was getting from Jensen was slack.  He was down to his last straw and it would not take Jared much to have Jensen pretend as if none of that never happened, but that was all he could have done, pretend.  It was not as if Jared could forget, he would not have even tried. How could he forget something and someone who impacted and changed his whole outlook on life?  It just was not happening. To think that he felt that way and there was not a thing he could do about it frustrated him all the more.  Jared was tempted to go back into the room and to try and talk things out with Jensen but he knew that if he did things would get heated again.  He was still angry and if he heard something he did not like, he would go off on Jensen.  Looking at his watch Jared saw that it was almost midnight, too late to call anyone, too late to go anywhere.  Jared walked to his closet and took a sheet and some pillows and for the first time in weeks he was resigned to the fact that he would be sleeping away from Jensen for a while.

_______________________________

 

Chris stood in the parking lot of Misha's villa and attempted to start his car but for some reason it wouldn’t start.

"Fuck!"  He cursed once again, trying to get the engine to purr as it would have on any other morning, but instead he was greeted with sputtering indicating an obviously dying battery.  That car was bought used when Chris moved to LA and he was guaranteed that its’ servicing had been maintained, something which Chris was beginning to doubt.  All he knew for certain was that he just wanted to get out of there fast.

Chris turned the ignition off, unlocked the hood and exited his car, slamming the door extra hard.  He walked to the front of the car and popped the hood.  From a distance everything looked good or as good as Chris supposed a car engine was supposed to look.  He attempted to touch the radiator and was rewarded with getting his fingers burnt.

"Fuck!" He cried out, pulling his hand back fast.

"You're still trying to start it?"

Chris turned to the sound of the voice and noticed Misha standing behind him, his hands folded across his chest like a protective vest.

"Yes, I'm still trying to start it," Chris responded, trying to inflict as much sarcasm into his voice as possible.

"Why don't you just let me call you a mechanic?"  Misha asked, remaining motionless.

"Because I can fucking fix it myself.  Why don't you just go inside, Misha? I got it covered," Chris stated unconvincingly.

"Yeah right," he scoffed, "if you could have fixed it you would have been miles away from here and miles away from me.  You wouldn't be standing in the parking lot at fucking midnight trying to start it."

Misha was right, of course, but Chris would not let him know that, "Why are you out here by the way?  I don't need a fucking advisor on this particular matter, thanks anyway."

"I'm not here to be your advisor. I just came out here to tell you to keep your damn cursing down so that I can get some sleep.  I paid a shitload of money to stay in this villa and believe it or not, I want to get my moneys' worth."

Once again Chris had to stifle the urge to acknowledge that Misha was right, again.  Staying in those villas was not cheap and the fact that Misha probably would be there for the rest of the week was not lost on Chris, but then again, Misha was a doctor and he could afford to stay in a high-class place like that.

"Whatever.  Just go back inside. You're obviously not here to help me out so go inside to your expensive villa and get your moneys' worth," Chris stated, turning his back to Misha.  He could tell by the silence that Misha was still standing there.

"You're an asshole, you know that, Chris?  No wonder we didn't work out."

Chris ignored him as he usually did when it came to matters concerning their past relationship.  He just did not have the energy to be dealing with that so late at night.

"Fine, ignore me, like you always do, but when the cops come and cart your ass off to jail, do not even bother calling my name or my number because I won't be there to help you out."

"I don't need your help, Misha.  And by the way, when have I ever needed your fucking help?"

"Ha! Are you kidding me?  How many times have you got your head bashed in and had to be carted into the emergency room and tended to? You forgot about that bar brawl a few months ago?  I've gotten your ass out of too many situations to even count and the least you could do is be fucking grateful about it."  Misha’s anger was apparent and Chris felt it deeply.

"I never said I wasn't grateful Misha, ‘cause I was," Chris managed to get out, his voice softening a bit, "I take that back, you did help me a lot...in the past.  But shit, that was in the past Misha, way back. Why won't you just let it rest?  Why do you want to fuck up a good memory, huh?"

"A good memory?  A good memory!  You call dumping me like I was a nuisance a good fucking memory?!!  Get off it, Chris!  It was more like a bad nightmare.  You used me for your sick pleasure and you won't even be man enough to admit it.   I think that's what gets me the most. Well, let me make it real easy on you, just go ahead and admit it right here, right now so I can start getting over you.  Come on!  You want me out of your life so bad; admit what my real purpose in your life was for.  Come on! Don’t clam up on me now.  Come on!" Misha was pushing and pushing and the more Chris tried to ignore it the more Misha got under his skin with his bantering, "Come on, Chris.  You want to get rid of me so fucking bad then say it. Say it!  Say it, dammit!" Misha screamed.

Finally Chris had had enough of it and Misha and he let loose like a geyser, "Fine, you want me to say it? Then I will.  You were a fuck, Misha, a convenient fuck, OK?  I never had any feelings for you, ever, you got that?  Get it through your thick, fucking skull and leave me the fuck alone." 

Looking at Misha, Chris could see the dejected look on his face as Misha stood in front of him unmoved and all Chris could think was 'I'm sorry I have to do this Misha, I really am'.  Chris was about to turn away from him but thought better of it. He needed to leave right away with Misha knowing that it was through, no fault of his own that Chris was the way he was. Chris desperately needed Misha to know that.

"You have the money, the looks and the dick to get someone else Misha; any guy would love to have you on his arm but I'm not that guy.  You need to stop nursing this crush that you think you have on me and start dating other men.  The possibilities are endless.  You can do...you can do so much better than me.  You need to get someone who will treat you like you deserve to be treated.  You need someone who doesn't have a chip on his shoulder."

"Don't patronize me, Chris. I am not some child who needs you to analyze and interpret my feelings for me.  I know what I want, I know what I need and I know how I feel, OK? You can stand in front of me and lie your ass off about how you feel and that's your prerogative, but don't tell me how I'm entitled to feel and what I deserve.  I'm a grown man, Chris and I can do all that shit for myself."

That little outburst of Misha’s rendered Chris speechless and he found himself at a loss for words.  How could he respond to that?

"Fine, forget I said anything, OK?  Just pretend we didn't have this conversation."

"Fine!"

"Good."

"Great."

They stood there like two lumps of lead staring at one other until, "If you want, I could take a look at your car for you.  I did a two-year training course in mechanics when I was in community college."

Chris was surprised to hear that since he had always assumed that it was an 'only the best' policy for Misha.

"You went to community college?  You never told me that," Chris stated.

"Well, you never gave me a chance," Misha responded.

Chris averted his gaze from Misha and looked past him to a car that had turned into the villa next door.  Anything was better than facing his accusatory expression.

"So you think you could take a look and see what's wrong with her?"  Chris asked, referring to the car.

"Yeah, no problem.  I just have one favor to ask of you."

Chris was hesitant at first but if Misha was willing to compromise, so was he, "Sure."

"Can we do this tomorrow morning?  It's almost one and I'm beat. I know you must be too.  If it bothers you, I can take the couch.  I'll look at the car first thing in the morning; just give me the luxury of peace, please."

“Sure.”

"Thank you.  As long as there is no more screaming and no more fighting, we'll both be fine.  So what will it be, bed or couch?" Misha asked.

"Bed.  I don't feel like forcing myself into an uncomfortable position."

"Ok, I'll take the couch."

"Misha, I didn't mean it like that.  We'll both share the bed, hands off each other and ourselves.  Can you handle that?"  Chris was aware that it probably was not one of the wisest things he ever said and as he waited for Misha's reaction, he found himself wondering if he could really keep a promise like that.

"Yeah...I can handle that," Misha stated.

For a moment Chris thought he saw a flash of indecision on Misha’s face, but obviously he had been mistaken as Misha turned around and walked towards his villa.  Chris had no choice but to follow suit.

Once inside, they made their way into the bedroom.  As soon as he stepped in behind Misha, Chris closed the door.  That caused Misha to jump.

"You OK?" Chris asked, noticing his sudden anxiety.

"Yeah...sure, you just...the door...," Misha’s voice trailed off into oblivion.

"Sorry, I can open it if you like."

"No, I'm good...uh, you want to use the bathroom first or,-"

"No, you can go first," Chris stated, watching as Misha nodded and made his way inside, pulling the door not quite closed behind him.  From his vantage point, Chris could make out the outline of his naked left hip and he had to admit it left him in an immediate state of arousal.  When Misha bent over the sink, Chris caught a glimpse of his ass and it reminded him of all that he would be missing after that night.  Chris expected himself to feel more distressed at the thought that he would not get another opportunity to enjoy sex with Misha again but he found himself focusing more on the fact that whatever emotional connection they had or could have had would be over as soon as Chris walked out the door.  Misha walked out of the bathroom and into the bedroom having changed out of his casual clothes into plaid boxers and a white T-shirt.  Chris noticed that Misha avoided his eyes and looked away when he attempted to make a connection.

"The bathroom's all yours," Misha stated, getting into bed on the right side under the covers.

"Thanks," Chris mumbled, staying only a second to observe Misha’s movements and then heading into the bathroom.

_______________________________

It had been two hours since they had gotten into bed and yet, Chris was still unable to fall asleep.  Instead, he found himself watching Misha's shoulder as it rose and fell as he breathed.  Somehow Chris found that strangely erotic and could not help but reach out and gently touch it.  Misha drew in a breath but did not turn around.  Chris took it as silent acknowledgement that Misha understood what was happening or at least what was about to happen.  Chris leaned into him, slipping his hand gently under the sleeve, rolled it up a little and kissed Misha’s shoulder gently flicking his tongue lightly over his warm skin Misha shuddered and turned onto his back.

As his eyes stared at the ceiling he spoke, "What are you doing?"

"I don't know," Chris responded, as he gently slipped the T-shirt over Misha’s head, leaning into Misha’s chest and kissing the fine hairs that he found there.

Misha moaned but said nothing more.

Chris looked up at his face and slowly eased his way up until his eyes were in line with Misha’s chin.  He kissed it lightly.

He thought he heard Misha whisper 'Stop,' but he allowed his mind to shut it out.  Misha could not possibly want him to stop what he was doing.  It would be all but impossible.

He kissed the side of Misha’s neck gently and when he moaned, Chris added pressure to it, sucking as hard as he could.

"Please stop."

Chris could not mistake what Misha’s voice had so blatantly declared but he could not get the message to his brain, so he continued.  At that point, he had reached Misha’s lips and he was like a mad man not caring one bit how he went about it, he just wanted Misha.  Chris wanted to kiss him, maul him, fuck him.

"Chris," Misha whispered.

"Hmm," Chris barely managed to get out while kissing the side of Misha’s face.

"Stop...please...stop,"  Misha begged.

"Why baby, you know you want this.  You feel so good Misha, so good," Chris whispered.

"Stop…stop," Misha pleaded.

There was something in Misha’s voice that made Chris stop and look into his eyes. They were wet and it was then that Chris realized that Misha was crying.

"What's the matter?" Chris asked leaning away from Misha on to his side.

"Nothing," Misha stated, still staring at the ceiling.

"Something's the matter.  You ‘re crying."

It was as if Misha were a volcano just waiting for his time to explode, and explode he did.  Sobs racked his entire body as he started to fall apart.

"Misha," Chris called, reaching for him only to be rebuffed.

"No, just... leave... me... alone.  You don't.... care ...about... me...so...just ...go."

Chris refused to have Misha push him away though, "No, I won't go till you tell me what's wrong," he stated.  Misha kept on repeating for him to go but Chris was resilient.  He was not going to abandon Misha when he was in that condition.

"I'm not leaving, Misha," Chris whispered and with that, he pulled Misha towards him and held onto him in an embrace that was dominated more by emotion rather than sexual desire.  Misha seemed to understand, for he held onto Chris and cried into the crook of his neck.  Any arousal that Chris might have had before was then deflated and the last thing on his mind was trying to get laid.  As Misha cried harder and harder, all Chris could do to comfort Misha was to say, “I'm sorry Misha, I'm so sorry'.  



	27. Chapter 27

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> AU / Everybody has a dream. Some people make their dreams come true. Some just let their life slip by thinking about it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> None of this would be possible and readable without my awesome beta,[](http://bigj52.livejournal.com/profile)[bigj52](http://bigj52.livejournal.com/) . I learn from you everyday.

Jensen walked out of the bathroom and was about to crawl back into bed when he caught a glimpse of Jared pacing up and down the length of the living room. It hurt him to know that he was partially to blame for Jared’s predicament. There he was, in Jared’s house, sleeping in his big comfy bed while Jared was outside on that small, uncomfortable couch. He felt guilty and he knew he deserved to feel that way. Knowing that Jared was out there, not sleeping made it all the more difficult for Jensen to fall asleep.

Thinking back, Jensen could not even remember what had started that stupid argument that had them both in a state of misery. With that in mind, Jensen was determined to settle things immediately. He walked out into the living room and just watched for a moment as Jared rubbed the back of his neck, a sure sign that he was in a state of uncertainty. Jared looked so beautiful just standing there, his profile towards Jensen, giving him a glimpse of what he had coming to him if he was just willing to take a chance. Jensen made the decision in one breath to go talk to him.

As Jensen approached Jared, he turned to Jensen, the shadows playing light and dark off his features.

"Couldn't sleep?" Jared asked, keeping his hands shoved in his front pockets.

"No. You either?"

"No. I've been up half the night trying to think of what started this stupid fight between us," Jared stated.

"And did you remember?" Jensen asked hesitantly.

"No," he replied.

For a while, they just stood there staring at each other and then one of them finally made a move. Jared moved to Jensen with two quick steps and embraced him.

"Oh Jared, I'm so sorry about tonight. I love you so much. I didn't mean to be so indifferent. I appreciate you so fucking much," Jensen was like a runaway train without brakes, unable to stop his flow of words. Jared seemed to understand though and continued to hold him.

"I know you do baby, I know you do and I love you because of it. We're going to get through this, I promise you. We're going to get through whatever, Jen. I promise you that."

That was all it took for Jensen to reach up and wrap his arms around Jared’s neck, pulling his lips closer to his. It was a passionate kiss and Jensen yearned for more. Not necessarily the sexual aspect of it but more so the closeness to Jared that it allowed him to experience.

As the kiss became more passionate, Jensen pulled away from Jared and walked into the bedroom. Jared followed and soon enough they were both in the comfort of Jared’s bed. Jensen could feel Jared’s arousal through his boxers as Jared lay on top of him and his lips once again found Jensen’s. Jensen was on the verge of telling Jared that he did not want them to have sex but Jared already seemed to understand as he rolled from on top of Jensen and began spooning him from behind. His hand found Jensen’s under the covers and as Jensen closed his eyes, sleep so close, he could feel Jared’s breath on his neck and Jared’s proclamation of love resounding in his ears. It was all he needed to fall into a dreamless, tranquil sleep.

_______________________________

The time had come for them ‘to do or die.’ After the previous night, Jared just wanted to give up everything if it meant living like that for the rest of his life, and he knew that it was sounding like a decision made in the heat of the moment but it was not. It was a long time coming. It was not a matter of ‘if’, anymore. It was going to happen and it was going to happen that day. Jensen had wanted to go with Jared when he went to speak with Matt but Jared had refused. Jared felt like it was something he had to do on his own and he had let Jensen know that.

"I know you want to help, Jensen, but I need to do this on my own. Having you there is going to be more of a distraction than anything else."

Jensen frowned, "A distraction? How am I going to be a distraction, Jared?"

"You know how. How is it going to look if I'm trying to have a serious conversation with Matt and I keep looking at you?"

Jensen frowned, did a double-take and started to laugh, "Funny, funny. You need to learn a little thing called self-control! But seriously though, I know this is not going to be an easy thing for you. I want to be there just in case...," his voice trailed off and his eyes left Jared’s.

Jared knew what Jensen was worried about. He knew that Jensen had every right to be feeling like that. The added stress of him going to watch Jared’s back was something he didn’t need. Jared could handle himself, and he had to let Jensen know that.

"Jensen, I know what you're worried about, and I'm not going to tell you not to worry, but you can't stress yourself out over something that hasn’t even happened yet. How do you think it's going to make me feel if I have to worry about you while I'm in there discussing my career?" Jared paused and gauged Jensen’s reaction. He seemed to understand what Jared was saying, but he didn't speak, "Everything is going to be okay, baby. I'm just going to go in there and tell him what's up. And as soon as I'm done, I'm going to call you."

Jensen smiled a bit, but Jared could see through it. It wasn't how he was feeling.

"You promise to call me as soon as you're done?" Jensen asked, anxiety plastered all over his face.

"Yes, I promise."

"And if there's a problem, you promise to call me?"

"Yes, I promise."

"And no matter what happens in there, you promise you won't change your mind about us?"

Jared was about to say ‘yes’, and stopped. He had not been expecting that question from Jensen.

"Is that what this is all about? You think I'm going to back down?" Jared asked.

"No... I just don't.... Okay, yes. I'm sorry for feeling that way, Jared, but I can't help it, I just do," Jensen began shaking, despite the temperature, and Jared pulled him into his arms.

"You think I actually give a damn what they have to say about us? I don't, Jensen. I'm just giving Matt and the rest of them a heads-up of what I plan to do so they can either jump on the bandwagon or not. Whatever they say won't change the fact that I'm going to come out, it won't. And as for us, we're solid. You hear me, Jensen? We're solid. You think I was actually going to let them mess with what we have?" The more Jared spoke, the more he was convinced that he was making the right decision.

Jensen grabbed onto his waist and held it tightly.

"No matter what, know that I'm here for you, no matter what. You understand, Jared? No matter what," he whispered.

Jared pulled away from him and kissed the top of his forehead.

"I have to go, Jensen, but don't worry. I'm going to be fine and so are you. Why don't you take a drive out of the city for a while? Get away, go have coffee or something. Just do something to get your mind off this."

"Do you really expect me to go and enjoy myself while you're trying to explain your lifestyle to them? You can't be serious. I think I'll just stay right here till you get back."

By the look on Jensen’s face, Jared knew there was no convincing him otherwise, so he gave up. Looking at his watch, he saw that it was coming close to twelve-thirty, and if he hoped to beat the traffic, he would have to leave soon.

"I should go. You sure you don't want to go out and,-"

"I'm sure. I'll just stay here and try to clean up this pig sty you have," Jared looked up at Jensen and saw the smirk on his face.

"You think my place is a pig sty?" Jared challenged.

"Oh please, Jared. You live worse than a pig. Your clothes are all over the place, not to mention the fact that you haven't done laundry in God knows how long."

"Ha, and whose fault is that?" Jensen knew what Jared was saying, and it made him blush. If they hadn't been trying to launder each other, things would have been done, but it was worth every second, and Jared never regretted it.

"Okay, okay. Don't start something you can't finish. You'd better get going."

"Yeah, I better. Are you going to be here all day?"

"Yeah, so call me as soon as you tell him."

"I will," Jared said and with that, he leaned in and kissed Jensen gently on the lips. A minute later, Jensen watched Jared get into his car, back out of the driveway, and then take off.

_______________________________

"So, what's the big announcement?" Matt asked.

Jared opened his mouth to say something, but the words seemed stuck in the back of his throat. Jared had it all planned out. How he was going to break the news to Matt, Matt’s predicted reaction, right down to how he was going to gracefully make his exit, but being there, being in front of Matt, all of that planning suddenly evaded Jared.

"Jared, are you okay, man? You look a little dehydrated. You want a Coke or something?"Matt asked, getting up to head over to the bar. Jared nodded, and clasped his hands in his lap.

Matt came back over with a chilled soda and handed it to Jared.

"Now, again, what's the big announcement?" Matt asked, seating himself across from Jared with his Coke in hand.

Jared found his voice and began talking, "Do you remember a while ago, after the trip to Hawaii, you asked me if I had met somebody?"

A smile lit up his face, "Yeah, I remembered! You were so off the hook. Still are."

"Well, at the time, I told you I hadn't met somebody... but, I lied."

"So you did, Jared, so you did. So now what? You here to tell me you are getting married, or is your girl pregnant, or what?"

"No, man, it is nothing like that, but something did happen with me and somebody. I mean I'm with somebody right now, and I'm going to continue being with them no matter what, and I just felt that it's about time I told you about it," Jared was still beating around the bush but at least he had made the first move.

"Well! Good for you! You seemed nervous coming in here today. I thought you were going to tell me the worst, but this is good news. So, who is this woman that done swept you off your feet?"

"Well, you see... I um... it's um... I um... it's a... Fuck!" Jared could not do it! He was just looking across at Matt who was looking across at Jared, and realized he couldn't do it! He got up from his chair and walked towards the door, ready to get the hell out of there, but Matt stopped him with two simple, yet complicated words.

"I know."

Jared didn't know what to think. How could Matt know? What did he know?

"You know what?" Jared asked coyly, hoping that Matt would not pick up on the nervousness in his voice.

"Fuck! Jared! Stop beating around the bush with me, man. I know you better than you even know yourself. I know about what you've been going through with Patrick, I know about him blackmailing you," In a lower tone Matt stated, "I know you and him... messed around, too. I know all about it."

Jared froze in his tracks. How could Matt know all that?

_Fuck! Patrick has gone behind my back and told Matt!_

Jared was ready and willing to take that son of a bitch out when Matt spoke again.

"I had a private detective follow you."

"What?!"

"I had a private detective follow you," Matt stated again.

"No, no, that’s not even true! I would have known if I was being followed."

"No, you wouldn't. This guy is a pro. He used to work Secret Service for the White House. You wouldn't have spotted him among a row of trees. He's that good."

It made Jared think back to every incident he recalled involving him and Patrick. He was careful, he was so fucking careful.

"I was hoping you would have stepped up and clued me in on what was going on," Matt stated, actually having the nerve to sound disappointed, and it made Jared so angry.

"Well, I was hoping I could have some fucking trust in me from my management! Where the fuck do you get off fucking following me around?" Jared screamed, suddenly becoming irate.

"Well, if you were being upfront with me in the first place, I wouldn't have to spend almost ten grand for this little job. I fucking thought you were strung out on something. I expected him to come back and tell me you were a crack head or something, but not this shit, not this. I'm your manager and you fucking keep this from me, Jared! You know what information like this can do to your career?"

"Fuck you, man! You think I haven’t been thinking about this?! This has been like a fucking dark cloud hanging over my fucking head for months now, for months! Every time I try to block it out, it keeps coming back to haunt me, so don't fucking insinuate that I haven’t been thinking about my career!"

Things had gotten heated and Jared just wanted to get the hell out of there, but something stopped him. He realized that he had opened Pandora's Box, and there was no sense in closing it now. He might as well just let everything out, and let the chips fall wherever the fuck they wanted to fall.

"And you know what else? I'm seeing someone, a man, okay? And guess what else? It's Jensen! We've been boning since Hawaii and we haven’t come up for air yet, and you want to know something else, too? I love that and I love him too, so you can fucking take that information and do whatever the fuck you want with it. I'm done with it, the writing, the singing, the performing, I'm fucking done! This damn career almost ruined my fucking life and I want it back!"

After that declaration Jared had expected to be pounced on by security, but all he was greeted with was silence. Matt had a stone-cold expression on his face and he imagined so did he, and not for the first time since coming in here, Jared wished Jensen was there with him.

After what seemed like forever, Matt spoke, “Answer me one thing, Jared? Is this just a passing thing, or is this going to be an ongoing lifestyle for you?"

Jared did not even have to think about his answer, "It's the way it is, man. I can't change it, and I don't think I'd want to, anyway."

"One more thing, what the fuck was the thing between you and Patrick?"

"It was a fucking mistake, that's what it was. I wasn't in my right frame of mind, and that jerk took advantage of me and the situation."

Matt looked at Jared once, excused himself, and went over to the bar. He fixed two glasses of rum and Coke, walked over and handed Jared one. He took a seat opposite Jared and took a long swig of his drink.

"Okay, here's the deal. I don't care who you want to fuck. I might not agree with it, but it's your business. Secondly, assuming I'm still management, I assume you told me ‘cause you eventually want to take this public. All I got to say about that is that shit is going to fly, trust me! You have some diehard fans out there, Jared, and not all of them are going to appreciate the fact that you'd rather fuck a man than a woman. Thirdly, if we're going to get through this, I need you to be honest about everything, even the smallest detail. With that said and done, is there anything you want to tell me?"

Jared was still in shock of Matt’s declaration to even think straight, much less speak. He had his expectations, but that sure as Hell was not one of them. Jared took a few seconds, and a few sips, to gather his thoughts.

"Patrick took some pictures of us fucking. I don't know how, but he did, and he's been blackmailing me for a while now. That's what's up with all the discrepancies in the account. He told me that if I didn't pay him, he was going to sell them to the tabloids, so I did."

"How much?"

"Too fucking much!"

Matt sighed, "I never trusted that son of a bitch. We're going to have to fix that, but first we got to deal with what we're going to do about you and your career. If this is going to come out, it should come from you, not from some sleazy tabloid, and not after the fact."

"I agree."

"And you should be prepared to deal with some heavy shit, Jared. I'm not talking light bantering, but some heavy-duty shit. People stalking you, the hate mail, threatening phone calls, the media fucking with your life, with Jensen's life, all of that is going to come into play. It's up to you, though, how you're going to handle it. You could handle it like an asshole, or you could handle like the number one R & B star that you are. You think you're ready for this?"

"I know I am not ready for this, but I'm going to do it. My life depends on it."

"Well, if we're going to do this right, we're going to have to get a good press guy in here, and I think I know the perfect guy."

Jared was curious as to who Matt was referring to, so he asked.

"Well, the good thing is that you have met, and he knows every nook and cranny of your life and career."

"Uh, please don't tell me this is some obsessed guy," Jared begged. He had met enough of those over the span of his career.

"No. This kid knows the ropes like no other, and he'll make this shit fly, no matter what."

"Okay, okay, I'll take your word for it. So, who is this mystery kid?"

Matt smiled at Jared brightly, and Jared knew the answer before Matt even said it, "Jensen, of course."

"No, man, no! I don't want him involved in this mess. He's been through too much already with the media. He doesn't need this aggravation."

"He is the best candidate to handle this, Jared, and you know it. This concerns him too, right?" When Jared did not answer, Matt continued, "With him and you in direct synch with each other, you'll get to say what you want to say, and there is absolutely no chance of the message not coming across as it should. If we're going to do this, we should do it right. You hear me?"

"Yeah, but I can't promise you anything. I have to check with him first, and we need to discuss things, and see how we feel about it, and I don't want any pressure while we’re doing that, OK?"

"OK," Matt looked at his watch and stood up, "I hate to do this Jared, but I have another meeting at two. We'll talk later, okay, and keep in touch, alright?"

Jared stood up, too, walked over to the bar, and placed his glass on the counter.

"Alright, I have to get going too. I have someone waiting at home for me."

Jared looked at Matt face for a reaction, but it was neutral, a positive sign in and of itself. As Jared turned to walk out of Matt’s office, he stopped. He needed to ask one more thing.

"What do I do about Patrick?"

"Don't pay him another fucking penny unless I tell you to, and get a recording device for your phones. I want that son of a bitch on tape the next time he threatens to extort money from you. It could come in useful in the very near future," Matt smirked on that count, and Jared did too.

As he began walking out, Matt grabbed Jared’s arm and spun him around, and when they were face-to-face, Matt hugged him.

"Know this, Jared. I have told you this before, you are like a son to me, and I mean it. This doesn’t change a thing, you got that?"

"Yeah, Matt, I got that. I'm glad you feel that way."

"Good. Now get the hell out of my office, so I can get to my two o'clock."

Matt pretended to use his boot to kick Jared out, and Jared pretended to feel insulted. As he rode down the elevator, he let out a sigh of relief and closed his eyes tight, sending up a silent prayer of thanks for the way things turned out.  
_______________________________

Jensen checked his watch, for what seemed like the millionth time, and sighed. It was three o' clock, and Jared still hadn’t called. Jensen knew he said he would, and he trusted Jared’s word, but his gut was telling him that something had happened. It was like a sixth sense, and it was almost always never wrong. Just as Jensen began to fear the worst, the front door opened, and Jared walked in. Looking at his sullen expression, at first Jensen thought that things had gone awry, but then Jared did a one-eighty, and his frown turned into a smile.

"You can stop worrying, Jen, everything went fine," And with that Jared took Jensen into his arms and planted a soft kiss on his forehead. Jensen let out a sigh of relief and melted into Jared’s embrace.

"Thank God," Jensen whispered, rubbing Jared’s back in a circular motion. He could feel Jared’s body tense up, and then Jared pulled away from Jensen, so that they were now face-to-face, "You've been sitting here stressing, haven't you?" Jared asked sternly.

"How could I not, Jared? You did something today that could have messed up everything you worked so hard for,-"

"And I told you I didn't give a fuck!"Jared’s voice softened, and he took Jensen’s hands in his, "Listen, Jensen, you really have got to stop putting yourself through this, OK? You're going to give yourself a heart attack. This is exactly why I didn't call. I know how wound up you can get."

Jared was right on all counts but how could he understand how Jensen felt? It was impossible. How could he possibly imagine how hard it was for Jensen to just put his faith in Jared’s hands when he was so vulnerable? A few months ago, Jared wasn't even sure if that was the lifestyle he wanted to live. How could he blame Jensen for worrying? Simply, he couldn't. But Jensen couldn't let Jared know that without starting another wave of arguments and bickering between them.

"Fine, just tell me what happened with Matt," Jensen stated.

"Things went well. I told him the situation straight up and that it was the way things were going to be from now on."

"And?"

"And, he said, okay."

"He said okay? Just like that?"

"More or less. We need each other, Jensen, that's how it is in the business. It was either he accepted the changes, or he dumps my ass and loses out. He chose to stay in. And you know what else he said?"

"What?"

"He wants you to come back as my publicist."

"Are you serious? You told him about... you know... us, and he wants me to come work for him?"

"Yes. Who better to announce the nature of our relationship than you, baby? That way, there are no misunderstandings. We're in this together. Do you want to do it?"

Of course Jensen did, but he still had one concern, "What about Patrick? You know what he said about us working together. I don't want to risk having him out you in the tabloids."

Jared shook his head and stated, "Fuck him! This isn’t about him, Jen, this is about us, you and me. We're going to do this, and we're going to do this right. When I come out, he can't hurt me with those pictures. That's why we want you to come back. We'll make a clean break with the media and let them know what's up with everything. He can't hurt us if we being honest, baby, and with Matt behind us, it doesn't matter what anybody has to say."

Jared was making it sound so easy and Jensen knew it wasn't going to be. Still, the optimistic side was something that he enjoyed hearing about.

"I'm glad that you've planned this out, Jared, but I'm still not sure about everything. You're making it out to be such an easy transition, when you know it very well could not be," Jensen stated.

"And I understand all of that, but we got to stay positive. You think I have not been thinking about the worst case scenario? I have, and it scares me to death, but I can't dwell on it. We have to deal with shit when shit happens, and take things one step at a time. Now I took the first step by coming clean with management, now it's your turn. I need to know for a fact that you aren’t going to panic, and back out on me, I need to know that, Jen."

Jared seemed to need Jensen more than ever before, and knowing that gave Jensen a warm feeling inside.

"I'm there for you, Jared. I'm not going to back out on you, or this relationship, for nothing. We're going to get through this. And if you need me to be your publicist, I'll be your publicist, but I need time. I'm not talking about a few days or a week, I need heavy-duty time, a month tops, just to put everything into perspective and to get the facts straight. Is that too long?"

Jared once again leaned into Jensen and held him there, "No, that isn’t too long. You take as much time as you need, baby. No one's going to rush you. You do whatever you need to do to make sure that we get a fair shot, and I don't want you to worry about Patrick, either. Matt and I have a plan to deal with that son of a bitch. He is going to get what's coming to him."

Just hearing Jared say that, sounding so sure of himself, managed to calm Jensen down a bit. He trusted his man and he trusted his word. He had faith in Jared and he knew that Jared would do everything in his power to see that Jensen was happy, to see that they were happy, and that they would stay that way. But knowing and accepting were two different things, and while Jensen knew that Jared would do it, he had a hard time accepting that Jared could do it, and his doubts were killing him inside. Jensen wanted so much to be able to just entrust Jared with everything, but he couldn't. This wasn't about Jared alone, but more so about them as a couple, and as a couple, it was only fair that they dealt with things together, but Jensen could see Jared’s competitive side beginning to come out. Jared wanted to be the dominant, controlling force in the situation. He wanted to take care of all their problems while he sat home and didn’t worry. It was an idealistic situation, but not the way it should play out in a relationship between two equal partners. It was not going to be that way if Jensen had anything to do with it. But as before, he couldn't say anything to Jared because he knew it would result in another petty argument, and that he could do without. So, instead of trying to argue with Jared about it, Jensen would have to sneak behind Jared’s back and do what he could. It was not the way things should have been, but it was his only option, and as Jared held him in his arms, Jensen tried to convince himself that what he was prepared to do was justified.


	28. Chapter 28

As they stood outside the newsroom floor, just out of sight, Jensen felt less than prepared.  They had gone over what Jared was going to say to the press at least a dozen times, but that did not stop Jensen from worrying. Far from it. If anything, it only managed to increase the anxiety that he felt.

Jensen felt a hand on his shoulder and turned to look at its’ owner.

"Are you OK, Jensen?" Asked Matt, a worried expression plastered on his face.  His expression could only parallel that of Jensen’s as Jensen nodded and exhaled a breath that he had been holding.

"Yeah, I guess.  It’s now or never, right?" Jensen managed to get out.

"Yeah, now or never.  By the way, have you seen Jared?  He's supposed to be out here by now.  We go in ten,” With that he began looking around.

It had been at least five minutes since Jared had left Jensen’s side to go to the bathroom, and he had yet to return.  Jared’s absence had only managed to increase the anxiety that Jensen felt, and feed his already paranoid delusions. Jensen began to wonder if Jared was hurt in some way, maybe someone had found out the news before the rest of the world, someone that was furious that he was gay.  Or maybe Jared had changed his mind after all; maybe he had pulled another stunt like Hawaii, and had flown out somewhere, without telling anyone.  Maybe he...

Jensen tried to stop his thoughts, realizing that all of that nonsense was not helping the situation.  None of that crap had happened or would happen.  Everything was on schedule, and everything would go smoothly.

"There he is," said Matt, bringing Jensen’s thoughts back to the present.  Jensen turned around and saw Jared walking towards them, hands in the pockets of his suit pants and a look of complacency on his face.  He seemed to be handling things way better than either Matt or Jensen.

"Are you ready, man?" asked Matt.

"Yeah, as ready as I'll ever be.  I just want to get this over with," Jared replied, running a hand over his face.  If he was in any way nervous or unsure, it was not obvious, and for that, Jensen was grateful.  One nutcase was enough that day. Jared turned to Jensen and smiled.  It made Jensen’s heart flutter and he reached up and gently ran a hand over his Jared’s face.

"God, I'm glad you're here, baby," Jared whispered, reaching up and cupping Jensen’s hand in his. Jensen felt Jared’s body heat against his, and at that moment, he would have done anything to ensure that everything went smoothly.

"Me too.  You'll be ok, Jared.  I won't let anything happen to you," Jensen stated as assertively as he could.  Jared needed him to be the strong one, more than ever, and Jensen refused to let him down.

"I know, and I love you for it, Jensen.  I want you to know that no matter what goes down out there, I love you for all the support you've given me."

Jensen felt those words deep in his soul.  If they were alone, he would have let Jared know just how much Jensen appreciated Jared for loving him.

"OK guys, it’s show time and Jared, let us handle this, OK?" said Matt, breaking the serenity of the moment.

"OK," replied Jared, taking Jensen’s hand in his and kissing it just as the door to the press room opened and all of them began to walk in.

Jared’s throat felt dry as he listened to Matt list off his musical achievements over the years.  They had planned a little intro as a way to reaffirm to the crowd that Jared had done a lot for his fans, and that nothing about him would be changing, nothing except who he fucked, something, of course, they had not been told - as yet.

"...and of course we can't forget the two Grammy awards that Jared took home last year for best R & B Male Vocalist, as well as best Collaborative R & B song. He's been on both the R&B, as well as pop charts, since last year March, and has sold out more stadiums this year than even I can keep track of. He's done a lot for, and is dedicated to his fans.  This is why we have decided to come to the fans, first and foremost, with this announcement.  I will now turn the floor over to Jared, himself."

As Matt ended his speech, Jared’s began.  It was as if he was running on autopilot.  He recited, word for word, what Jensen had come up with, and tried his best not to lose it.

"...I feel as if you guys are my family, my heart.  You've done so much for me throughout my entire career, and I've appreciated it from the very beginning.  Although we've sometimes been at odds with each other, we've always managed to mend things.  With that said, I hope I can say what I came here to say, and leave here satisfied that I've made the right decision," Jared took a deep breath, it was now or never.

"A few months back, I was reintroduced to someone who had been an integral part of my life and my career. He helped me get through a few tough times in my life, and for that I appreciated him for being my friend.  I appreciate him more for being by my side as I announce to you the media, my fans, friends and family of my decision to come out and say that I'm in a relationship with another man, and that....that I am formally retiring from the music industry."

Jared let out a much-needed sigh of relief and tried his best to calm the heavy beating of his heart.  He had done what he had set out to do, and there was no going back.  The audible gasps and chatter that filled the room was not a surprise to him, but the gasps coming from his very own table put Jared on edge, and he knew he was partially to blame.  They had all been expecting him to announce his relationship with Jensen, and that was to be the end of it, but now he had gone and dropped another bombshell, his retirement from music, an unexpected decision on his part.

As cameras flashed, and reporters began simultaneously asking questions, Jensen leaned into me and whispered, "What the hell are you doing?  We never discussed this, Jared."

Jared could hear the panic in Jensen’s voice, and regretted not telling him about his last-minute decision beforehand.

"Calm down, Jensen, please.  I've thought about this, and it's something I need to do.  Please, try to understand,-"

Jared did not have the opportunity to finish his statement as the questions intensified.

"Jared, how long has this relationship been going on?"

"Jared, does your decision to retire have anything to do with your coming out of the closet?"

"Jared, have you always been homosexual?  If so, are your songs focused towards males rather than females?"

"Jared, do you consider yourself anything less than a role model now?"

"Jared, Jared, Jared...."

The questions kept coming, and Jared found himself unable to focus on any one in particular.  Luckily for him, Jensen was by his side to take the reins and run the show.

"One question at a time, please.  Yes, you in the grey suit," Jensen announced, showing an air of authority that Jared was not used to seeing.

"Thank you.  Does the timing for Jared's coming out in any way reflect his decision to retire?"  The reporter questioned.

Jared looked at Jensen for the familiar head movement that would signal the OK to answer, and when he did it, Jared spoke, "I am not retiring because I am gay.  I'm retiring because I've reached my peak; I'm at the top of my game, and I've achieved everything that I set out to achieve.  I hope that answers your question."

"OK, next question please.  Yes, miss, at the back," Jensen pointed out.

"Thanks. Jared, do you feel that in some way that you have mislead your fans, waiting to drop this bombshell at the end of a very successful career?"

Jared did not even wait for Jensen to give the OK on that one, he just went with the flow, "Mislead them how?  I've always been about my fans, from the very beginning.  The music had always been about them.  What I do in the privacy of my home really should not have any bearing on what I sing.  I only just discovered this aspect of my life, so it was not as if I have been knowingly holding this in, I haven't.  If the fans feel betrayed, I am sorry for that, but that is not my fault.  I can't live my life according to everyone else."

Jared looked around for a reaction, but all that greeted him was the continuing barrage of questions, some that he would rather not have to deal with.  It was mostly the sleazy tabloids that asked the most lewd ones.  One asshole even had the nerve to ask if Jared has stayed in the business just to attract young boys.  Jared almost tore from his seat and punched him, but held back when he felt Matt's hand on his knee, and looked over to see Jensen giving him a pleading look that screamed, 'Calm down, Jared, now isn't the time nor the place.  Calm down'.  It was reassuring to have Jensen there, and even though he was taking a fair amount of inappropriate questioning himself, he surprised Jared through it all by staying strong.

Later, as Matt wrapped up the press conference with a call for respect and privacy in Jared’s affairs, he asked Jensen the question that had been burning him since he took a stand.

"Are you mad about me not telling you about my retiring?"

Jared tried to gauge Jensen’s answer by the reaction on his face, but only received a neutral expression.  Jensen did not answer right away either, and that only managed to heighten Jared’s anxiety even more.  Finally, after a minute or two had passed, Jensen took both Jared’s hands in his and pulled him into an embrace.

"Of course I'm mad.  You didn't even give me the opportunity to talk you out of it," Jensen stated, a smile slowly gracing his face; a smile that had Jared’s heart beating a mile a minute, "But seriously though, I'm surprised that you did that Jared, I really am. And somehow...I feel as if it was a decision made in haste, as if you just couldn't be bothered anymore.  That's not like you."

Of course, Jared could understand why Jensen would feel that way.  Music had been Jared’s life for as long as he could remember, and the fact that he had just willingly given all of that up, without much of a fight, was out of character for Jared; but what he had gained, what he had earned, was so much more important than any career.  Jared wished he had some way to make Jensen understand all of that.

"But I trust your judgment, Jared, I trust you. I'll stand beside whatever decision you make." 

It was reassuring for Jared to hear Jensen say that, so damn reassuring.

"I can't believe I did it though, it's just so un-fucking-believable, I just...I can't even find the words to comprehend how I'm feeling right now. All I know for sure is, that I couldn't have done it on my own. There was just no fucking way I could have made it this far without you, Jen.  I need you to know that."

Jared could see that Jensen’s eyes were beginning to mist a little, and he had to use his fingers to wipe away any moisture that began to form there. Jared could not deal with Jensen crying, not at the moment when he was so fragile himself.  It just would have been too much.

As if reading Jared’s mind, Jensen whispered, "I can't help it.  It has been so much to swallow over the last couple of days.  I can't believe this is happening so fast."

Jensen was not the only one in disbelief though. Jared leaned in and kissed Jensen’s lips gently, trying to keep things serene at a time when everything else was so chaotic.  Jensen’s taste reminded Jared of honey for some reason and he drew up a mental image of him and Jensen drenched in it.  All that managed to do was give Jared a budding erection, which he did not try to hide from Jensen.

"You sure you want to start something you can't finish?" Jensen whispered, pulling away from him.  Jared looked at him and saw the longing that was evident in his gaze.  Jensen wanted it as much as Jared did.  Looking at the door, Jared saw that Matt was still busy with the press, and the rest of the entourage clung avidly to his side, leaving those two unattended to, something that, for the moment, was so damn appealing. Jared walked over to the door and gently closed it, putting the double lock in place. He pulled down the blinds over it and walked back over to Jensen, his mind not grasping the concept of anything else except the two of them, there in that room, needing and wanting one another.

Jensen looked down on his watch and back at Jared asking, "How long do think we have?"

Jared pulled Jensen into him and nuzzled the side of his neck, barely managing to get out, "As long as it takes," before he felt himself going under Jensen’s spell.

_______________________________

_What the fuck was happening here, and more importantly, what the fuck was happening to me?_

Chris had never in his life felt the way he was feeling the moment before, and he hated the fact that those feelings were unwittingly, and unabashedly, clinging to him like a stick of chewed gum on the bottom of a shoe.  He liked his life the way it was, he really did:  So uncomplicated, unrestricted, so...him, and then something had come and complicated matters, leaving Chris feeling that way.  He could not even describe how he was feeling.

Misha had done something to him the previous night; or it could have been something he had been doing to him since they first met, but all Chris knew was, that along the way, he had fallen and hit his head on a pavement somewhere, for a fleeting thought always seemed to enter Chris’s mind whenever they were together, and it was - 'I'm falling for this guy'. 

Chris, a self-proclaimed man of many men, was actually entertaining the idea of sticking it out with just one guy.  The thought alone had him wanting to run to the bathroom and throw up, and all he could think was ‘This cannot be happening to me’.  To someone else maybe, but not to him.  Not to him.

Chris rolled out of bed trying his hardest not to wake Misha, but only succeeded in making his quick getaway obvious.  Misha turned onto his back and avoided looking at Chris.

"You're leaving."

 The way Misha said it made it seem like more of a statement than a question, and all Chris could do was mutter some pathetic excuse, to which Misha gave no reply.  Chris was on his way out of the villa when he finally realized that he had no way to get home.

"Shit," Chris cursed, resisting the urge to take his frustrations out on his already immobile car.  It was not the car's fault that Chris’s life was going to shit, right before his eyes.

Chris made a beeline for Misha’s front door, hoping to get out, call a cab, and wait outside for it before Misha could get out of bed. Much to his disappointment Misha stood shirtless in the kitchen trying absentmindedly to assemble the coffee machine.  As soon as Misha noticed Chris, he stopped what he was doing and turned to look out the windows.

"Nice view, I bet," Chris said trying to somehow relieve the tension that permeated the room.

Misha laughed a dry laugh and countered Chris comment with, "For the price I paid, it better be."

Chris chuckled, and somehow that managed to clear the air to the point where Misha turned and looked at Chris.

"So...should I call you a cab, or can you bear my company for a little while longer while I fix your car?"

Whether that was a backhanded comment meant to sting, or it happened to just turn out that way, was a mystery to Chris.  While he knew that it was in his best interest to just call a cab, and get the hell out of there, something made him stay and take up Misha’s offer.

"If it's not too much trouble," Chris said, trying to avoid meeting the look that crossed Misha’s face.  Misha’s face seemed to light up at the prospect of Chris staying a little while longer and even if Misha didn't admit it aloud, the prospect was one that Chris wasn't one hundred percent against.

"OK.  Good.  Just gimme a few minutes to get some coffee in my system and maybe a donut…. unless you need to leave now,-"

"No, I've got time.  Get some food in your system first," Chris let his words trail off as he watched Misha nod and walk away from him towards the pantry.  Chris tried his best not to watch Misha as intently as he was, but it was to no avail.  Misha just had that effect on Chris.  He couldn't explain it, nor could he understand it, but Chris knew for a fact, it was there.  Against his better judgment, Chris silently walked up to Misha and encircled his waist.  Misha attempted to twist away, but Chris wouldn't let him.  The moment was just too perfect.

"Come on, Chris.  Don't do this, please.  I can't handle this, not right now, not today," Misha pleaded, sounding like a wounded animal.  Chris was almost tempted to release him and neglect what he was feeling below his belt, and somewhere deep, deep, deep down in his soul, but he found himself unable to do so.  He couldn't let that opportunity pass him by.

"Shh...," Chris urged, gently planting kisses on the back of Misha’s neck, “Just this once, please.  I promise if you give me this moment, I'll..." Chris let his words trail off into oblivion but Misha wasn't going to let Chris slide on that one, not when so much was at stake.

"You'll what?" Misha questioned, making an effort to pry Chris’s arms from around his waist.

"Come on, Misha, don't do this, not now." 

Now, Chris was the one that was pleading.  He was like a man dying of thirst, and Misha was his drink of water.

"No, Chris.  I'm not going to let you fuck me again without a good reason.  Now tell me what you'll do if I let you."

Chris flinched at the way Misha said ‘fuck’ for it was harsh and somewhat painful to hear. It was then Chris swore to himself that he would never let that word touch his lips in reference to what he and Misha did in the privacy of a bedroom, if they ever were to get that far again.

"Why can't we just enjoy the moment?" Chris pleaded once more, holding onto Misha.

Misha pulled Chris’s hands away from his waist and turned around to face him, eyes glaring and it forced Chris to take a step back.

"Because I'm sick and tired of always enjoying the moment with you.  I hate this back and forth business between us, and every time I promise myself I won't allow it to continue, I always do, and then I end up hating myself for it. I can't do this anymore, Chris, and it's unfair of you to expect open access to me any time you damn well feel like it."

Misha said it all in one breath, and all it managed to do was leave him with a look of frustration on his face, and Chris feeling like the scum of the earth.

Chris cleared his throat and spoke words he thought he would never say to another soul, "You're right, I have been taking advantage of you, and it's wrong, and I'm sorry.  I never meant to do that, Misha.  No matter what, know that I never ever meant for you to get hurt in all of this.  I.... I...you know what, I was wrong."

"No, say what you were going to say.  Please, for once in your life, be honest with me.  Is that too much to ask?" Misha said, the look in his eyes softening, and it was the moment of do or die for Chris.  He could either just walk out, try to go on living his life like he had been doing, or he could stand up and come clean with Misha about everything.

Chris tried to take the coward's way out, yet again, "I can't..." he started, and stopped just as Misha leaned into him and kissed him hard on the lips.

All that Chris was going to say evaporated into thin air as he reached for Misha’s waist, only to be rebuffed.  Misha pulled away from Chris and crossed his arms over his chest.

"No more.  This is it, Chris.  I'm done.  I won't do this anymore with you.  You can step up or step out, there is no in between.  We can't just be friends, OK?  It's all, or nothing."

Misha waited for Chris’s response, and hearing his silence, he sighed and pushed past Chris.

"I'll call you a cab," he said, walking into his room and closing the door.

"Fuck!" Chris exclaimed, more out of frustration than anger at being unable to say what he knew he had it in him to say.  It was just a few words, big fucking deal, but to Misha, it would have made all the difference.

Misha walked out again, breaking Chris from his thoughts.

"Five minutes," Misha said, not looking at Chris, instead choosing to go about his daily business as if Chris was not there. 

_It is not fair!  How can he make me choose between my freedom and him? That is just unconstitutional!_

"Misha..." Chris started, and stopped as he heard the cab pull up outside and a horn blow twice.

"Go, Chris, just go," Was all Misha whispered to him, avoiding all possible eye contact.

"Fine," Chris said, and walked out, not gracing Misha with even a good bye.  On reaching the door of the cab, he opened it and took a back seat.

"Where to?"  The driver asked, staring gruffly at Chris through the rear view mirror.  He was about to state his home address when his cell phone rang.

"Hold on...  Hello?"

"Chris, it's Jensen."

"Hey, Jensen, what's up?  I haven't heard from you in a while.  Where have you been hiding, or should the question be who have you been hiding under?"

He snickered, "Funny Chris, very funny.  Anyway I just wanted to call to say thanks."

"For what?" Chris asked quizzically.

"For everything:  For being there when I was too chicken to tell Jared how I felt, and for being honest with me about... about me.  It means a lot to me," Jensen whispered on that last count, and Chris could almost picture him, eyes moist.

"It's OK, Jen, I was glad to help and all, but I got a question for you, why the sudden burst of gratitude?"

"You mean you haven't heard?" Jensen asked incredulously.

"Heard what?"

"Jared came out; I mean we both did in a way, to the media, and to his fans and to his family."

Chris almost dropped the phone at his announcement.

"You're fucking kidding me.  When?"

"Today.  We just decided it was time to stop all this running around.  I mean, this is going to be a permanent arrangement.  Why should we have to be hiding our relationship from everyone else?  We're not kids, and we're not doing anything illegal.  Know what I mean?"

"Yeah, I do.  Congrats then, maybe we can celebrate when you make time to come see me down here."

"Will do, Chris.  I got to go, but I just wanted to let you know I appreciate everything you've done for me, for us."

"No problem, Chris.  I love you and take care, OK?"

"Ditto, Bye," Jensen hung up, leaving Chris with his mouth agape and the driver staring at him.

"Hey, buddy, are we going to just sit here or are we going to move?"  The driver asked sarcastically.

Chris jumped out of his thoughts, and was about to give the driver his address, when something caught his eye.  Chris looked out the cab window and saw Misha staring in his general direction through the windows.  Even from a distance, Chris could plainly see the expression etched across Misha’s face.  It told of all Misha had been through with him, all the frustration, the passion, the heartache and the confusion.  It pained Chris to acknowledge that he had toyed with Misha’s emotions one too many times.  And here he was preparing to leave Misha hanging and do it again.

"Buddy, time's a ticking away.  You wanna stay or go?"

In an instant, Chris made a decision.

He jumped out of the cab, and apologized for the hold-up, gave the driver a five for his time, and watched as he drove away.  When he was out of sight, Chris turned around, and with his head held high, he walked back towards Misha's villa.  He watched as Misha left the window and walked out of view.  When he reached the door, he knocked and waited.

When Misha answered it, he had a look of confusion plastered all over his face and all Chris could think of to explain his actions was to kiss him.

At first Misha tried to resist him, but Chris held onto him, and drew Misha to him making it impossible for him to move.  When finally they broke apart Misha spoke,

"Chris, what's going on?" Misha asked, his eyes betraying his uneasiness.

"I don't know," Chris said.  He wasn't sure himself what the hell he was doing.

"I told you I can't keep doing this,-" Misha started, and stopped as Chris interjected,

"I know and I understand.  I just...I just don't think I can comply with those stipulations."

"Well, you're gonna have to.  You have to make a choice.  Either you're in or you're out."

"Fine.  But I don't see why we can't compromise."

"You don't, huh? Well, I'll tell you why.  This is my life, ok.  My life! Just remember that.  I'm not some toy to be played with and,-"

"I'm in," Chris cut in, watching as his words were drowned out by Misha’s continuing monologue.

"I have feelings, and I love you, and I can't have you trampling on that..."

"I'm in," Chris said again, loud enough this time so that Misha couldn't miss it.

Misha stopped talking all together, and the room went quiet.

"What?  What.... what did you say?" Misha asked, his voice unsteady and unsure.

"I'm in.  I mean, I've been thinking, this can't be all that bad, right?  I like you, Misha. I have from the beginning, but I keep thinking that you'll just slow me down, mess up my flow, and maybe you will, but if I don't at least give this a try, I'll really hate myself for it," Chris finished stating his thoughts and watched Misha’s face for some sort of reaction, but none came, none that he had expected.

Misha didn't rush Chris, nor did he crack a smile, instead, he started to sob right there in front of Chris.

"Misha, what's the matter?  I thought this was what you wanted?"  Chris asked worriedly, not sure what to do.

Misha nodded his head, but didn't say anything.

"Oh, God, what have I done?" Chris whispered under his breath, as he rushed to the sink to get Misha some water.  He took it from Chris and slowly sipped it down, as his emotions began to calm, and the flow of tears finally subsided.

"I'm sorry," Misha whispered, looking up at Chris with those eyes.

"For what?"

"For this," Misha signaled, wiping his eyes clear of tears.

"Did I say something wrong?"  Chris asked again.

"No, I was... it ...I didn't expect that...from you.  I thought you were leaving," Misha finally managed to get out.

"I was, but I changed my mind.  I like you, Misha, I really do, and sometimes..." Chris paused and took a deep breath, do or die, this was it, "sometimes, I think I love you and I just...it would really suck if I let this go not knowing which feeling was which and..." Chris didn't get the opportunity to finish, for Misha grabbed him, and pulled Chris towards him and crushed his frame in an embrace that took the wind out of Chris.  Chris had to admit, it felt somewhat right.

"I love you, Chris, I love you so damn much, and I'm gonna make you see that I can make it worth your while to stay with me," was all Misha said before pulling Chris closer to him, and bestowing the sweetest kiss on him that Chris had ever known.


	29. Chapter 29

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> AU / Everybody has a dream. Some people make their dreams come true. Some just let their life slip by thinking about it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> None of this would be possible and readable without my awesome beta,[](http://bigj52.livejournal.com/profile)[bigj52](http://bigj52.livejournal.com/) . I learn from you everyday.

It was as if Jensen’s worst nightmare was coming true.  It seemed as if all that he had feared was coming to pass.  It had been the third time that this had happened, and just like before, there was nothing that Jared could do to prevent or even stop it.

"Fuck.  Fuck!" Jared's voice resounded in the small garage and created echoes that seemed to bounce off every surface.

"Calm down, baby, calm down," Jensen whispered, placing a hand on Jared’s shoulder, trying to keep things under control, but all that he seemed to achieve was the opposite effect.

"How the fuck do you expect me to calm down?  This is the third time this shit has happened!  You know how much fucking money it takes to fix this shit?!?" Jared screamed, shaking Jensen’s hand off his shoulder and striding away from Jensen.

All Jensen could do was stand off to the side, like a lump of coal, and remain quiet.  He should have been used to things by now.  Used to these bouts of anger Jared displayed every time his property was vandalized, used to the slurs and threatening phone calls that came day in and day out, used to the hundreds of hate mail Jared had received since his coming out announcement. Jensen should have been used to all of it by now, but he wasn't.  He would never get used to any of it.  And despite his promise to Jared, and to himself, Jensen wasn't so sure anymore if he was strong enough to stand up with Jared and take his share of the backlash.

He had expected a backlash, there's always a backlash, but this...this was a crucifixion.  They were out to crucify and destroy Jared, his music, his self-esteem, his property, anything that made him Jared, and even though Jensen hated to admit it, it appeared as if they were succeeding.  They had managed to destroy Jared’s drive to create music, his inspiration, his ever-loving spirit, and more importantly, they managed to drive a big, wide wedge between the two of them.  They had inadvertently turned the love of Jensen’s life against him, and were slowly turning what they had into a crumbling pile of nothing, and no matter what Jensen did, what he tried to do, things just continued to spiral downward.

From a distance, Jensen could only stand aside helplessly and watch as Jared surveyed the damage to his vehicle.  The front, side and back windows were all smashed into the vehicle leaving pieces of glass scattered all around.

The driver's side door was dented in and the passenger's side rear door was scraped so badly that the original coating of paint was visible.  Inside, the radio was missing and the leather seating was ripped apart, leaving the stuffing visible for all to see.

Seeing all of that, Jensen thought that things couldn't get any worse until,

"Fuck!"

Jensen wouldn't be surprised if the entire neighborhood had heard Jared’s war cry. He literally ran over to where Jared stood, and his eyes grew wide as he found the source of Jared’s anguish.  Etched onto the hood of his SUV were the words:

_Watch your back, faggot!_

Jensen was speechless as he read the words over and over again, and all he could think was that this had crossed the line.  That had made everything else seem insignificant.  Those hateful words had drawn a line in the sand and had gone too far by threatening harm to Jared.

"We should call the police, Jared.  We need to call the police, right now," Jensen barely managed to get out.  But it seemed as if his words fell on deaf ears.

"Fuck the police!" Jared cried.

"Jared..." Jensen started, and stopped as Jared looked at him, eyes glaring, reflecting pure anger, something that he hadn't known existed till that moment. That wasn't like Jared.  That anger wasn't like Jared at all, that wasn't who he was.

"I am not calling the cops, Jensen, and that's that.  I'm going to handle this by myself and I want you to stay out of it."  It was more of an order than a request and it left Jensen feeling inferior and not important enough to be included in the decision-making process.

"What are you going to do, Jared?" Jensen asked, unsure as to whether or not he really wanted to know the answer.

Jared didn't look up at Jensen when he answered, but instead walked the short distance to his new Mercedes, opened the front door, kneeled down and reappeared carrying a handgun.

"I'm going to fuck up whoever did this to my car."

Jensen’s heart rate sped up and he watched Jared walk through the garage and into the house.  He followed closely behind and watched as Jared walked into the bedroom and slammed the door shut in Jensen’s face.  A feeling of dread washed over Jensen as he heard Jared’s elevated voice through the door recounting the sordid details to someone on the other end of the line.  Jensen wanted so badly to just burst in there and hold Jared, comfort him and let him know that he wanted to help him, make all that he was feeling, all that he was going through seem like just a nightmare that he would soon wake up from.  But he couldn't do that.  How could he when Jared wouldn't even allow him to get close enough to put in his two cents worth?  Jared was hurting, Jensen knew that, but he couldn't help him, no matter how hard he tried.  Jared seemed determined to keep Jensen at arm's length and for that, it made the pain Jensen felt deep inside his chest, all the more painful.  And he had to wonder if things between them would ever get back to the way they were.

_______________________________

"You want some dinner, baby?"  Jensen asked, turning to look at Jared from his vantage point in the kitchen.

Jared didn't even turn to look Jensen’s way.

"Jared, are you hungry?  I can make anything you want.  There's some steak in the freezer, or we could order a pizza or some Chinese or...," Jensen let his words fade off into the distance as he realized that Jared wasn't paying him any attention, instead, choosing to focus all his concentration on the blank television screen.  He had been like that for almost an hour and a half, and had refused to open up to Jensen about what was going on inside his head.

"Fine," Jensen started, willing himself to stay calm, "Stay in front of the television.  I don't give a damn." 

That didn't seem to make an impact and it made Jensen all the more uneasy.

"Pretend like I'm not even standing here talking to you." 

Jared still didn't respond and it was as if something inside Jensen had snapped.

"Why the fuck don't you answer me?  At least have the goddamn decency to acknowledge that I'm standing here!"

Even that failed to get Jared’s attention.  Instead, Jared got up, grabbed his car keys off the kitchen counter , walked through the garage door and slammed it hard behind him.  Jensen barely managed to keep it together long enough for Jared to screech out of the driveway and take off down the street before breaking down right there in the kitchen.

_______________________________

Jared could not get his thoughts straight.  They were just a mass of jumbled ideas scattered in all corners of his brain and he had the fleeting urge to just take his gun, put it to his head and pull the trigger.  Of course he didn't think that he was insane, stupid, or fucking drunk enough to even think about it too seriously, and put all thoughts of suicide to the back of his mind.

Things had gone from bad to worse in a matter of days after the announcement, and Jared found himself unprepared for the backlash.  Of course, he had expected there to be some controversy but that...that was too fucking unbelievable.  His life was all over the place: the media, including television, radio and print, began writing all sort of degrading articles about him, mostly false and misunderstood hearsay.  But to his fans, the people who had once looked up to him, viewed him as a role model and had spent their hard-earned money on his albums, it was the gospel truth.  He was everything from the scum on the street to a no-good asshole that was out to corrupt the youth of America.  He had everyone from the ministers who had once praised his singing when he was younger, to the higher levels of management looking down on him as if he was a walking disease.  And there was absolutely nothing he could do about it.  Matt had warned him that this could happen, but Jared just had to have his own way and followed what was in his heart rather than what was in his head.  And now he was paying for it.

Of course, through it all, there had been Jensen.  He had been there with Jared, by Jared’s side as he had promised, and as promised, he tried to help Jared deal with all of that, but all he managed to do was bring out the worst in Jared.  Not intentionally of course, but it happened.  It was as if Jared’s mind was having a hard time separating Jensen from all he had to deal with. If it wasn't for Jensen, Jared would never have realized that he was gay.  He would never have realized that he felt that way about him and Jared most definitely would never have realized that his life was much better with Jensen in it than out of it.  But now, all of that had become a moot point as all Jared could think about was that his life, his career and everything that he stood for was turning to nothing right before his eyes.  It was as if he had a continuous urge to hurt Jensen in any way that he could. It was as if Jared wanted Jensen to go through what he was going through and to feel the pain that Jared was feeling.  It was as if he wanted to reach deep down into Jensen’s chest and pull out his heart.  For no apparent reason, Jared wanted to push Jensen as far as he could just to see what it would take to make Jensen crack like an egg.  And thinking about his earlier outburst, Jared knew that to some degree he was succeeding.

Jared should have felt some remorse, some inkling of disgust as to why he wanted to hurt the man who had stood by him and continued to stand by him. But surprisingly, he didn't and that was what let Jared know that he had been pushed to his limits.  To want to hurt Jensen like that, and not even feel guilty, let Jared know that he had allowed things to get out of control.

_______________________________

At around two a.m. Jared made his way home, barely managing to keep from running his car off the side of the road or into the guardrail. He had spent the majority of the afternoon drinking hard liquor in some bar. After roughly several hours of trying to forget, Jared found himself unable to fend off sleep anymore, so he made his way home.  Pulling into the garage, Jared saw that his SUV had been covered with a tarp, and that the surrounding area of glass had been cleaned up.  Inside, the house was plunged into darkness except for a single light that illuminated the hallway from the living room into the bedroom.  As Jared walked down the hallway and into his room, he was surprised to find that the bed was empty.  The thought that he would be spending the night alone, after all the day's events made him more depressed than ever but Jared knew he deserved it. After all he had said and thought about Jensen, he fucking deserved to be alone tonight, and the next night and the night after that.

"Jared."

Jensen turned at the sound of his name and spotted Jensen standing in the doorway, hands folded across his chest.  Jared couldn't see his face as it was partially covered by the moonlight shining through the window but he was able to make out an expression.  It wasn't one that Jared was fond of seeing. Jensen’s usual smiling face was turned into a frown and his usual smooth forehead was filled with temporary wrinkles.  His brows were furrowed and the light in his usually bright eyes was gone.  For the first time in weeks, Jared felt a momentary twinge of guilt at the thought that he had done that to Jensen.  Jared tried to disguise the fact that he was drunk but Jensen wasn't fooled and he let Jared know it.

"Drinking yourself into a coma isn't going to solve anything, Jared," he stated with conviction.

"I know."

"And behaving as if the whole world is against you won't either," he continued.

"I know."

"And treating me the way you have been for the past few weeks won't change things or make them return to the way they were.  Blaming me for everything won't make things OK again."

"I know, dammit!" Jared finally shouted, unable to keep his cool.  He was losing control of the situation and there was not a damn thing he could do about it.

"Then if you know all of that, why are you acting like...like this...like I'm not here.... like I don't fucking exist for you?" Jensen’s voice was low but that did little to conceal the anger that came through in his tone.

Jared found himself unable to provide an answer to his question.

"I don't know, OK, so just get off my fucking back about it, ‘cause I just don't fucking know." 

The truth of the matter was that he did know.  It was crystal clear to Jared why he was acting like that but there was no way in Hell he could relay that information to Jensen.  He would have been crushed.  
There was simply no good way to tell Jensen that Jared blamed him for everything that had gone wrong in his life.  It wasn't anything specific that he said or did, but rather his very presence.  It came down to the fact that if it weren't for him, Jared’s life would have been empty but still unscathed.  He would have still been the Jared that everyone looked up to, the Jared that the fans called for at every show, the Jared that didn't fuck around with men, and most importantly, the Jared that didn't allow himself to fall in love with another man.  That's right, if it wasn't for Jensen, Jared would never have fallen in love, and for that, Jared not only hated himself, he hated Jensen.

Jensen’s voice broke Jared’s train of thought.

"You don’t _know_.  You _never_ know!!  I don't know why I even bother putting up with this, Jared.  I just don't know why because the headaches seem to outweigh any rewards that I could possibly get from this," Jensen paused momentarily, and took a deep breath before he continued, "And another thing, it's not only you that has to deal with this shit when it happens, OK?  My stuff has been vandalized, too, and my personal life has been plastered all over the tabloids as well; so for once, I wish you would just stop being so fucking selfish, and consider someone else's feelings other than your own," And in a softer, milder tone he added, "it's not only you who has been hurt by this, Jared.  I'm in it with you as well, so stop making me the enemy when I'm not."

"God!!  Why the fuck is this happening?"Jared called out to no one in particular as he sunk down onto the bed, his head in his hands.

Moments later he felt a pair of hands on his shoulders, gently kneading his flesh, and Jensen's soothing words filling Jared’s head, "I love you so much, Jared. Don't push me away.  Not when we've come so close to this.  I know it's hard right now but it'll pass and someday...someday we'll look back on this and laugh about it, I promise you that.  But right now...you've got to roll with the punches."

A sardonic laugh escaped Jared’s throat and he shook Jensen’s hands off his shoulders.

"Yeah, right!  We'll laugh about it?  Please, Jensen.  Wake up and smell the fucking coffee.  This is my goddamn life we're talking about! But you know what? I wouldn't expect you to understand….."

Jensen stopped Jared in mid-sentence and came to stand before Jared,

"What the hell is that supposed to mean?"  He questioned.

"Figure it out.  You live your whole life in a fucking vacuum, and are so goddamn naïve about what's going on around you, and that annoys the hell out of me," And that was all it took to get Jared to let it all out, "And you think that you're going through what I go through?  That what you deal with can even be compared to the shit I've had heaped on me in the last few weeks...you actually think that there is a comparison, Jensen?"

At that moment it didn't matter to Jared that Jensen was standing in front of him, virtually in tears, trying fruitlessly to keep his composure as he responded to Jared’s harsh words.

"I never imagined in a hundred years that you'd turn into such an asshole, Jared.... After everything we've been through and all that we've sacrificed to make this work...how could you..." Jensen’s words folded, and were promptly replaced by a mass of sobs that seemed to rack his entire body.

The momentary urge to reach out and hold him gripped Jared’s insides, but he didn't, he couldn't.  Instead, he blocked Jensen’s image out of his head, and made his way out of the bedroom, only stopping momentarily at the door to grab his keys off the dresser, not even taking the time to look back at the mess he had created.

_______________________________

 

"How are you holding up, man?"  The man in front of Jared was his last hope, his last stop before he would completely lose his mind.  If Matt wasn't there, Jared knew he would have fucked with somebody already.

"How the fuck do you think I'm doing, man?  I got press on my ass 24/7, the goddamn tabloids printing shit about me left and right, and let's not forget those jerks upstairs that are trying to push me out.  That answer your question?"

Matt didn't even flinch, instead choosing to open his desk drawer and pull out a bag filled with weed.

"Here," he said, throwing the bag Jared’s way, "Take a hit and see if this helps."

Jared opened the bag and removed a blunt from it.  He hadn't done that in a long time and as he lit the joint and inhaled, memories of days long gone by filled his head.

"Feel better?"  He asked, looking across the desk at Jared, his face still neutral.

"A little," Jared admitted, closing his eyes, trying for the moment to forget his problems.

"Good.  I know this has been hard on you, Jared, it has to have been hard on you and Jensen..."

"This isn’t about him!" Jared said abruptly, in a harsh tone of voice that even surprised him.  But as before Matt didn't flinch,

"It involves both of you, whether you want to admit to it or not."

Jared didn't know if Matt expected a response or not, but he didn't provide one. He couldn’t even if he wanted to, not with the effect of the weed taking place.

"We made that decision to involve him in this,-"

Jared stopped him before he could continue, "No.  No!  You made that decision to involve him.  I was all against getting him involved in this mess but you...you insisted...so don't be trying to lay this on me.  You brought him into this mess so you got to deal with his ass now. I shouldn't have to put up with it.  I got enough shit of my own to deal with without having to think about what 'poor little Jensen' is going through.  Fuck what Jensen's going through!  This shit...this shit...fuck..."

It was as if Jared had run out of thoughts, that, or the weed had completely fucked up his processing skills. Either way Jared seemed unable to finish his thoughts coherently so he just stayed quiet.

"The only reason why I'm sitting here," Matt said, "and not on your ass, is because I have no fucking idea what you're going through right now.  All I know is that you've been through Hell and back, and you're being treated unfairly by a lot of folks.  But despite all that, I'm not going to sit here and allow you to turn this into some fucking pity party because it isn’t. You are not the only one being affected by this, Jared. You need to stop pretending like you're the sole victim of this because you're not. This is hurting a lot of people.  Not to the same degree as you, but they are being hurt."

“Oh yeah? Like who?  Give me the name of one person who can even come close to feeling what I've been feeling.  Give me one name, man, just one."

Matt didn't hesitate to say it, "Jensen."

"Oh, man, don't start with that again.  I told you he has nothing to do with this."

"He has everything to do with this.  Have you seen the mail room lately? Jensen receives as much 'fan mail' as you do.  Do you want to know what some of them say?  Here, I'll read you a few," Matt reached into his desk drawer and pulled out a stack, opening one.

"This one is from a 'friendly' fifteen-year-old kid in New York, '...I wish your ass would set foot down in NYC and try to turn one of us gay.  We'd strap you to a tree and make a real man out of you.  I hear you live in Nashville, we should come pay you a visit one of these nights and see how you like being fucked by a bunch of niggers.'  You want me to continue, Jared? Because it goes on and on about the creative ways in which they could mess Jensen up for what he supposedly did to you.  Here's another one from a guy right in your own backyard, '...I think they should lynch your narrow ass for doing what you did with Jared.  I don't think Jared's quote, coming out, end quote, was anything more than a fabrication to get your ass some attention especially since he fired you a while back.  A bit of advice, keep your deviation to yourself.'  And that's one of the more pleasant ones.  Shall I go on? Because there are many, many, more of the same shit in here that will make you fucking cringe."

Despite his condition, Jared found himself unable to keep from reading a few of the unopened letters addressed to Jensen.

"Do you still think it's all about you, Jared?  Cause it isn’t.  It's not all about you; it was never all about you. Do you know how many people have lost their jobs over this?  How many people have secretly applauded you for your honesty and have gotten kicked to the curb because of it?  Do you have any fucking idea how much fucking heat I've taken because I okayed this shit, because I came out in support of you?  Do you know how it fucking looks to see your ass being so ungrateful, after what all these people have done for you, least of all, Jensen?"

Jared was left speechless at Matt’s sudden declaration, and despite his efforts to dismiss it he just couldn't.  Not after reading the letters and hearing a dose of the truth from Matt.

"I'm not here to be your father nor am I speaking as your manager.  I'm here on your behalf as a friend.  Trust me, Jared. This is just a bump in the road that will eventually pass and when it does, you don't want to be left friendless because you got stupid and selfish.  You have a lot of support behind you, and you need to recognize and cherish that.  You need to especially recognize and cherish what you have at home, ‘cause that boy has put up with a lot, if not more shit than you realize," Matt paused, maybe in the hope that Jared would agree, but when he remained quiet, he continued, "He cares what happens to you, Jared, more than you deserve at the moment."

Hearing Matt put it like that, so straightforward with no sugar coating made the smoke in Jared’s head clear and his thoughts scramble together again to form one coherent idea.

"I don't deserve him, do I?"  It came out more as a declaration of truth rather than a question.

"The fuck you don't.  In fact, if Jensen asked me today what he should do, I would tell him to drop you, but this isn't my decision to make, it never was, and it never will be.  All I know is that you do not deserve that kid, Jared, not with your attitude.  The way you've been treating him these past few weeks has disgusted me, and even though I hate to say it, I will; you're a selfish son of a bitch that needs a fucking reality check."

Jared just had that reality check. Matt's words, coupled with his newfound case of common sense left him with a heavy feeling of regret.

"What have I done?" Jared asked himself, his head finding his hands.

"You've fucked up, but so do we all.  You think you're ready to stand up to the plate and act like a man?" Matt questioned, his eyes boring into Jared.

"Yes," Jared whispered, feeling slightly embarrassed at being called on his behavior.

"Good!  Now get the fuck out of my office and go do what you have to do."

As Jared made a move to walk out the door, Matt stopped him with four simple words, "I'm here for you."

Jared didn't respond but he was sure Matt could tell by the look on his face that he was grateful.

_______________________________

Jared was not all that surprised to walk in and find that Jensen’s suitcases were packed and waiting to be moved out, but he was surprised to find that Jensen actually thought enough of him after everything that Jared had put him through to wait around and let Jared know in person what he was doing.

"You're leaving?" Jared asked, even though it was clear that he knew the answer to the question.

"Yeah," Jensen responded; his voice low and hushed as if he were afraid to speak any louder.

"Jensen, I...I don't want you to go, please...just stay," Jared begged.

"No, I won't, Jared.  I've had enough. I don't think I'm strong enough to deal with this.  And besides, you've made it clear that this isn't about me.  And you're right, it's not about me, it's about you and it's obvious I can't give you what you need right now, maybe I never could.  And I know that you blame me for all of this - how can I compete with that?  I can't, and I shouldn't have to.  So I'm just going to leave you alone.  Since I'm the problem, I'll remove myself from the situation."

Jensen made a move to pass Jared but Jared held onto his hand.

"Let me go, Jared, I'm tired, too tired to do this with you anymore.  You were right...OK...this...all of this is my fault...all my fault."  And with that Jensen broke down right beside Jared.

"No, it's not, baby, and I should have never made you feel like I did. This is not your fault; it's not anyone's fault but my own.  I allowed them to fuck with my head, and I only got myself to blame.  I don't want you to go, Jensen, I need you!"

"I can't, Jared...I can't...I...I can't do this...anymore.  I love you but I can't deal with this.  I can't deal with you blaming me for everything...I can't do it..."

"And you shouldn't have to deal with it, baby.  I promise, I'll sort this out.  You're the most important thing in my life, Jensen, and I can't lose you over this.  I need you," Jared could see Jensen’s resolve weakening and he jumped in for the kill, "I'm so sorry, so, so, sorry for not realizing."

Jensen looked up at Jared for the first time, his eyes red from crying and spoke, "Realizing what?"

"How much you've been hurt by this….by all the letters, the phone calls, everything.  I didn't know, baby, and I should have been there to protect you."

"Oh, Jared,-" he started.

"No, let me finish," Jared cut in, taking a deep breath before continuing, "I've been such a selfish asshole and I've let all of this get to me, to us, and for that I'm sorry.  I never meant to hurt you.  And I promise I won't,-"

"Don't, Jared!" Jensen cut in, "Don't make a promise you know you can't keep. Don't say what you think I want to hear just to keep me from leaving."

"I'm not!  I love you, goddamit, and I'm sorry.  I would do anything to take it all back.  Don't you believe me?"

Jared needed Jensen so badly to say ‘yes’.

"I don't know.  I need time. I have to go."

"Where?" Jared asked, hopeful that Jensen would want to stay.

"Away from you.  I love you but I can't do this anymore, I just can't.  I just need some time to think and make up my mind."

"About?"

"Us."

Cautiously Jared ventured into deeper waters, "What about us?"

"If we honestly belong together."

"Don't say that."

"I need to say that, Jared.  I need to say a lot of things, but now, now is not the time.  I just need some time away, please...please give me that."

Jensen’s pleading had done something to Jared.  It forced him consider an option Jared really didn't want to consider.

"Time?  How much time?"

"I don't know."

"Where will you go?"

"Probably home."

"Can I come see you?"

"Not for a while, I need to be by myself till I can figure out where I want us to go from here.  I need to figure a lot of things out and I can't make an objective decision if I have to see your face."

Jared sighed.  That was it.  He could tell by the look on Jensen’s face that he was serious and there was no talking him out of it.  There was nothing left to do but to let him go.

"I can't change your mind, can I?" Jared asked.

Jensen’s shook his head and looked down, trying to avoid Jared’s eyes.

"This doesn't change how I feel about you.  I want you to know that.  I won't change my mind about how I feel about you. I promise you that, Jared, I just need to sort out a few things.  Please try to understand."

Despite Jared’s best effort to try to understand as Jensen put it, he couldn't. But he wouldn't let Jensen know.  If that was what Jensen needed, that was what Jared would give him.  He owed Jensen that much.

"Fine, take your time, but it doesn't mean I have to like it."

"I didn't expect you to."

"Good."

Jensen picked up his suitcases and began walking past Jared, and even though Jared yearned to say something more, words simply evaded him.  All he had left was his actions.  And actions spoke louder than words, didn't they?  Jared grabbed Jensen’s arm and spun him around and before he could protest, he pulled Jensen towards him in a passionate embrace.

"I love you so much, Jensen.  Remember that always, no matter what you decide," Jared whispered, holding onto Jensen’s waist as if it were a lifeline.

Jensen didn't answer him but Jared could feel his reaction as his shoulders shook with each passing moment of silence.

Finally, Jared let him go and took a step back, putting some distance between them, just enough to allow Jensen to walk out the door.

"Jared, I..." Jensen started, but stopped as Jared held up his hand.

"Just go, Jensen.  Please, just go before I change my mind."

Jensen seemed to understand, grabbed his suitcases, and walked out without a backward glance Jared’s way.

As he disappeared from sight, Jared slammed the door, trying his hardest to keep his composure, but he couldn't.  For the first time in a long time, he found himself unable to be the tough guy in the relationship as tears began to make their way down his face.  All Jared could think about was the fact that he had brought this all on himself.  



	30. Chapter 30

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> AU / Everybody has a dream. Some people make their dreams come true. Some just let their life slip by thinking about it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> None of this would be possible and readable without my awesome beta,[](http://bigj52.livejournal.com/profile)[bigj52](http://bigj52.livejournal.com/) . I learn from you everyday.

Jensen was on his way into Matt's office when his cell phone rang.

"Hello?" Jensen answered not bothering to check the caller ID.

"It's me." 

Those two words sent chills racing up and down Jensen’s spine and for a moment, he thought he would collapse from the titillation he felt from just hearing Jared’s voice.

"Jared?"

"Yeah...I'm sorry to be calling you.  I know you said you needed your space.  It's just that...."

Jensen cut him off, "No, no problem, I didn't mean that you couldn't call me. I just needed a break, some time away from you.  And I mean it's been a month and a half already.  I was.... I was beginning to think that you had gotten fed up and just decided to throw in the towel."  The words were painful for  
Jensen to say and he had to force himself to hold back a sob.

"No, No!  I could never feel that way, baby.  After everything we have been through, I could never feel that way.  You’ve got to know that."

It was a relief to hear Jared say that and the passion his voice possessed only helped to convince Jensen that he was telling the truth.

"I do, it's just that things have been so out of control lately with work and us and sometimes I just feel like giving up."  This time, Jensen wasn't so successful in holding his emotions in.  He let out a sob, and had to momentarily hold the phone away from his ear.  When he was brave enough to bring it back, Jensen heard Jared's words of reassurance, ".... things are at a point right now where they can't get any worse, Jen.  We've been through it all, so the only place we can go from here is up.  And I know that the things that I did, and said, were fucked up, and that I blamed you for a lot of the things that were wrong with my life, but I want you to know that I'm far from feeling that way.  You're the one constant in my life, baby, and I miss you."

Jared’s words touched Jensen, and again a pang of regret rose up in Jensen.  Had he been stupid to just walk away?

"Jared, I, I believe you, and I'm sorry for just leaving.  I just, I thought that time away would be the best thing for us,-"

"And it was, Jensen.  You know, since you've been gone, I've realized how much you mean to me, what you mean to me, what I would do to keep you safe and protected.  The time we spent apart made me see how precious you are to me, and how grateful I am that you love me the way that you do, unwavering, unconditionally, wholeheartedly.  I love and appreciate you, baby, and I mean that from the core of my soul."

Jensen could feel his face burning with the intensity of Jared’s words, and he found that he was half-hard.  Images of the last night they had together made an imprint on Jensen’s mind at that very moment, and he found himself unable to make them disappear.

"Jensen, you still there?"

Jensen temporarily broke out of his train of thought and answered Jared, "Yeah, I'm still here."

"Well, did you hear what I said?"

"No, sorry, my mind was.... elsewhere."

"Well, I asked if it was OK if I came to see you tonight.  If you're not ready to see me, I'm fine with that but I..."

"God, yes, Jared, you can come over. As a matter of a fact, I would love it if you could come over this afternoon," And in a raspy voice Jensen continued with, "I need you bad." 

Jared seemed to get where Jensen was going with that talk, as he made a comment about hating to have to invite Suzie and her four friends over every time he felt the need to get off.

"I haven't been with anyone else, Jensen.  It's either you or nothing."

Jared’s words warmed Jensen’s heart and he had to stop himself from jumping in a taxi and heading home to meet Jared.

"You mean it?"  Jensen whispered, tears forming in the corner of his eyes.

"As I'm sure the sky is blue," was Jared’s response.

Enough meaningful words had been said in that one conversation than had been said in the few months of their tumultuous relationship to make up for everything that seemed to be wrong with them.

"In that case, I expect to see you on my doorstop when I get home at four."

"You got it, baby."

"And Jared..."

"Yeah?"

"Be prepared to stay the night."

"Sure thing." 

There was laughter in Jared’s voice, as he once again told Jensen he loved him before hanging up.

It was as if Jensen was on cloud nine, having resolved some of his issues with Jared, and as he walked into Matt's office, Jensen felt a smile tug at the corner of mouth, one that he was unable to contain.

_______________________________

Jared felt a sense of relief sweep over him as he hung up.  His conversation with Jensen had somehow left him feeling as if a weight had been lifted off his shoulders.  He knew that things were far from perfect but that was a start. Having Jensen agree to see him, asking him to spend the night, telling him he loved Jared, made him feel invincible, and he swore to himself that this time, nothing would fuck it up.

It seems that every step Jared took forward, something had to come to bite him on the ass and drag him two steps backwards.  After he had gotten off the phone with Jensen, he got a call from someone he did not want to hear from.

"You think you are so slick, Jared?" 

There was no mistaking who was on the other end of the line.  Jared had all but forgotten about him since it had been a few months since Patrick had tried to extort money from Jared.

"You have some Goddamn nerve calling me, Patrick.  What the fuck do you want?" The anger and hate that spewed from Jared’s mouth came as shock even to him.

"What the fuck do I want?  What the fuck do I want?!?  Who the fuck do you think you are, pulling a stunt like that?!"

Jared knew what Patrick was referring to, but he refused to acknowledge anything.  If that jerk wanted to mess with him, he was going to do it without Jared’s help.  The mere fact that he refused to acknowledge Patrick infuriated him even more.

"Answer me!" Patrick barked.  Jared could tell Patrick was losing control of his emotions, and that was what Jared wanted to happen.  Where Patrick was a master manipulator, once he lost control of a situation, that was it, there was no regaining it.

"I don’t have anything to say," And with that, Jared hung up.  He didn't even pay much attention to the call and went about his merry way, his heart beating twice as fast as the hour approached for him to go meet Jensen.  At three, Jared got his keys and headed out into the garage.

If Jared had been paying attention on where he was going, rather than on who he was meeting, he would have seen Patrick behind a pillar.  If Jared’s head hadn't been filled with thoughts of Jensen, he would have noticed Patrick’s disheveled appearance, and most important of all, if Jared wasn't all wrapped up in his own happiness, he would have spotted the silver metal that was attached to Patrick’s hand.  But Jared didn't see any of that and it came as a shock to see Patrick step out from behind his hiding spot.

"You better get the fuck out of here before I call the cops, Patrick!" Jared spat out, stopping in his tracks.  He wasn't going to let Patrick have the upper hand.

"Or what, Jared?  What are you going to do if I don't leave?" Patrick’s taunting got to Jared, but he refused to explode.  It would only add more fuel to a fire that was already burning out of control.

Jared took out his cell phone and started to dial 911 when he heard the first shot.  The phone that was once divided into two sides lay smashed on the ground, smoke rising from its remnants.

"What the fuck..." Jared voice came to a halt when he realized what had happened.  The gun in Patrick’s hand, aimed directly at him, was testimony to what Jared already knew, the guy was crazy, "What the hell is wrong with you, man?  Are you going to shoot me now? Well, go ahead, I don't give a fuck.  Shoot me.  Shoot me!" Jared may have sounded brave to his own ears, but inside he was shaking.  He was afraid that Patrick would actually do it.

"Don't tempt me, Jared, don't fucking tempt me!  Just calm the fuck down!" And in a more serene voice, that would have suggested that they were just having a friendly argument rather than a life or death confrontation, Patrick continued with, "I just want to talk to you.  I just want to talk to you face to face, like a man."

Jared was on the verge of telling Patrick to fuck off, but noticing Patrick’s lack of composure he held back.  His hand was shaking and Jared feared that any sudden movement would set him or the gun off.

"What have you got to say, Patrick?" Jared asked, his voice calm as a cucumber.

"I, I, Jesus, Jared, what we had, what we had was fucking beautiful.  We had a good career; we made a good team.  We brought in all that money, and women, and anything else you could have wanted.  Why did you have to go throw that away?  Why did you have to let that faggot turn you like that?  If you wanted to fuck a man, you had me.  You didn't have to fuck with that piece of shit.  What we had was good, Jared, and you had to go fuck it up with all that sentimental bullshit.  The whole world did not need to know your business.  I could have kept you satisfied on the down low," Patrick paused and then sighed, lifting the butt of the gun and placing it on his head,  "Well, what's done is done, and we can't change that, so we have to figure out a way to get the faggot out of the way.  He's just a distraction and we can't have that, can we?"

Jared didn't answer Patrick, still in shock at his words.  Jared was now convinced, more now than ever, that Patrick was high on something.

"I'm fucking talking to you!" Patrick screamed, the gun once again pointed in Jared’s directions.  Jared had no choice but to respond favorably.

"Yeah, you’re right. We can't have any distractions."

"Good, glad we agree on that.  In that case call him over here."

"What?" Jared asked, confused at Patrick’s request.

"Call Jensen over here.  I'll deal with his meddling ass once and for all. There won't be enough pieces to identify him when I'm done," Patrick then let out a sardonic laugh that chilled Jared’s bones.

"I am not calling anybody, Patrick," Jared stated, breaking out of script.  He had had enough of that asshole’s games, and he wanted out.

Patrick pulled back the clip and walked closer to Jared, stopping only when the gun was mere inches from Jared’s face, "Call him, or I'll kill you, you got it? I'll wipe this fucking garage with your fucking brains.  Is that what you want? To be a memory?  Or do you want to live?"

Jared didn't answer Patrick.  He was at a loss for words.  On one hand, he could make the call and save his life, and on the other hand, he could have taken a bullet for the man that had made him want to go out and live his life the best way he knew how.  Jared didn't even have to think.

"I am not calling him," Jared stated, hands crossed over his chest.

"I am not kidding, Jared, I will kill you.  Do you hear me?  I'll blow your brains out!  Do you get that?" Patrick’s agitation was more apparent than ever.  His hand shook violently and Jared was just waiting for the obvious.

"I get it, and now, you need to listen.  I am not your friend. We aren’t buddies I don’t want to see you, hear from you or fucking smell you. Get it through your fucking skull that I have a man in my life, and I don't need a second rate fuck-up like you to keep me company," Jared’s words hit Patrick hard as his hand instinctively went up to wipe his eyes.

Jared took that as his cue to run but he didn't make it very far.  He felt the first round hit him in the arm and then two more pierced his legs sending him flying face first into the pavement.  Jared heard Patrick’s footsteps on the gravel and tried to turn around but was rewarded with a foot in his back.  He cried out in pain.

"Now what, huh? Now what?  You should have done what I asked you to do, Jared.  You stupid asshole!  Now you are going to get what you deserve, and when I'm done with you, I'm going to deal with that bitch," Those were the last words Jared heard before two or three slugs entered his back, letting him slip into pitch-black darkness.

 

_______________________________

Jensen looked at his watch and saw that it was after seven.  He had come home at four thirty worried that maybe Jared had grown frustrated at him being late and had left. But almost two and a half hours later, he still hadn't telephoned Jensen at home or on his cell phone.  He had gone from being worried, to being upset, to being livid.  Jared had approached Jensen about a reunion and then not even had the decency to show up or telephone.  And then a thought struck Jensen.  Maybe that was payback for him keeping Jared at bay for so long, maybe Jared had grown tired of waiting for Jensen to come back home.  The very thought had Jensen feeling both angry and remorseful.  On one hand, he never wanted to leave Jared in the first place, it was a struggle to get up and walk away. But on another hand, Jared was not doing right by him, and took the choice of Jensen staying right out of his hands with his antics.  Either way, Jensen needed to know where they stood at that moment, and if Jared thought he could hide from Jensen and get away with it, he had another thing coming.

 

As the cab turned to drive down the block, a police officer came up to the window and told them that there was no traffic coming and going except cops.

"What happened?" The drive asked

"A shooting," The officer replied.

After the officer walked back to his post, the driver turned to look at Jensen.

"What do you want to do, buddy?" He asked.

Jensen looked at the crowd and the police vehicles and decided that he would just walk in.  He paid the fare and got out.  Walking up the block, Jensen noticed that an ambulance was in the process of putting in a patient in the back. There was blood all over the person’s body and clothes, making it hard for Jensen to determine whether it was a man, woman or child.  A second morgue vehicle was putting a body bag into the back.  Jensen spotted a man beside him, intently watching the goings on and asked him if he knew what had happened or who was shot.  The man turned to Jensen and said words that Jensen thought would make his heart stop, "It's Jared Padalecki.  Probably some crazed fan upset that he turned out to be a faggot.  I’ve got to say though, I am not sorry to see him dead." 

Jensen looked at him, his mouth agape, and a lump caught in his throat.  It was déjà vu all over again.

"What?"  Jensen cried, "Are you sure?"

"Yeah, I saw them bring him out in a body bag and heard from security that the cops shot the shooter,” The man looked up at Jensen, a look of disgust on his face, "What? Are you a fan of that faggot?"

Jensen couldn't speak, he couldn't breathe, and it was as if he was in a vacuum, his insides being sucked out.  He looked over to where he had seen the body bag being lifted into the truck, and shock grasped him.  A hand was hanging out, its wrist adorned with a gold bracelet: The gold bracelet that he had given Jared within their first few weeks of dating, and that was all it took to send Jensen over the edge.  He felt his knees give way before his head and body met the concrete street.  



	31. Chapter 31

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> AU / Everybody has a dream. Some people make their dreams come true. Some just let their life slip by thinking about it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> None of this would be possible and readable without my awesome beta,[](http://bigj52.livejournal.com/profile)[bigj52](http://bigj52.livejournal.com/) . I learn from you everyday.

Jensen sat on the edge of the examining table staring at a single spot on the wall, purposely willing his mind into madness.  It had been less than three hours since his fainting spell and he hadn't allowed his mind to grasp the concept that things had changed.  The images of the scene: the police, the crowd, the ambulances and the body bag were still fresh in his mind but Jensen had hidden them so far back that he was beginning to think that maybe it was all a sick dream that he would one day wake up from.  Of course, he knew deep, deep down that it was no dream but if his mind couldn't grasp it, he wouldn't have to deal with it, deal with the situation, deal with the fact that the man that he loved above everyone and everything else was gone and would not be coming back.  Jensen knew that eventually reality would have to rear its ugly head and bite him in the ass, but right here, right now, reality was just a figment of Jensen’s imagination.

"Mr.Ackles, I've checked your injuries and everything appears kosher.  You've got a nasty bruise on your left cheek and of course the stitches but other than that, you're fine," The doctor's voice broke Jensen out of his thoughts and he forced himself to look at the doctor.

"Thanks," Jensen muttered, lowering his eyes.  He couldn't have cared less if the doctor told him he had broken a bone or needed an amputation.  It just didn't matter anymore.  Nothing did.

"Well, if there are no questions…"the doctor waited a few seconds for a response that didn't come then continued, "you may go.  See the nurse on your way out and if you feel any discomfort, take an Advil or two, it helps, trust me," He offered a small smile that reeked of sympathy and Jensen found himself wanting to respond but finding that he was unable to.  The words refused to formulate in his mind and when he finally opened his mouth to speak, nothing came out.  The doctor looked down at his chart and then back at Jensen.

"Mr. Ackles, I'm sorry about what happened to your friend."

Those words shook Jensen out of his stupor for a moment.

"What?" Jensen asked, anger somehow finding its way into his voice.

"You are Jared Padalecki’s lover, aren't you?  I recognize your face from the papers," His words set something off inside of Jensen and for absolutely no reason whatsoever he started to curse the doctor.

"And what the fuck is it to you?  You've got a smart-assed comment to make, too?  You people are just all the same!  Why can't you just leave us alone?"

Jensen’s last statement was said in a whisper and before he could stop himself, he started to cry.  The knot in his throat had become too big to bear and Jensen found he was unable to stop the flow of tears once they had started.  He knew he must have looked like a big baby, sitting on the examining table bawling his eyes out but he didn't care.

He heard the doctor clear his throat and then begin to speak, "Mr. Ackles.... Jensen, I'm sorry about your loss," He paused for a moment and seemed hesitant to continue but he did, "I know what it's like to lose someone you love.  I lost my wife to leukemia two years ago and even though I live through the pain every day, I try not to let it get to me.  It may not seem like it now but...it will get better...eventually."

Those words somehow soothed Jensen and he felt the sudden need to talk, to purge his soul, "Does it?  It hasn't.... been...a day yet and I feel like...like I want to...I just...I wish it were me.  It should be me.  Everything is my fault...it really is...I changed him...he came out for me...because ...of....me...someone.... kill...." the word refused to come out and once again Jensen found the tears begin to flow.  Jensen’s left hand cupped his eyes and he turned his head away from the man in front of him.  He didn't want the doctor to see what an asshole he was, what an asshole he had been.  He didn't want the doctor to see what a murderer he was.  Jensen killed Jared with his every action and there was no doubt in his mind that if he had not let on to Jared how he truly felt, and if he had not pushed the issue of ‘them’, then maybe Jared would have been still alive.  They would have been just friends but Jared would have been alive to be his friend.  But, no, he had to get greedy. He had to want more than Jared was willing to give.  Jensen knew he would never get over, or forget that.  And right at that moment, all Jensen wanted to do was to take Jared’s place. He wanted to die and if he couldn't bring Jared back, he wanted to be dead alongside him.

Jensen looked up at the doctor and noticed that he was looking at him strangely. For a moment, Jensen actually thought that the doctor could read his mind; that maybe he knew Jensen’s thoughts but when he broke contact by looking at his chart, Jensen dispelled such thoughts from his mind.  He couldn't possibly know.  Could he?

"Well, Jensen, there isn't much I can do for you except offer my ear. Here is my card.  Also, I'm going to give you a list of phone numbers. They're for support groups, grief-counseling groups.  It'll help, believe me," The doctor stated, handing Jensen a card and a sheet of paper with a list of numbers on it.

"I won't be needing it," Jensen began to tell him, "I'm OK. I don't need some shrink to tell me that.  And besides, I really don't have the time."

He looked at Jensen sympathetically and shook his head, "Well, I can't force you to do anything you don't want to, but I'm still extending my services to you free of charge.  If you ever need to talk,-"

"I won't," Jensen declared, handing the card back to him but he just pushed Jensen’s hands back towards his chest and said, "Well, just in case you do.  Keep it close at hand."

Jensen looked down at the card, and along with the folded paper, he put it into his shirt pocket.

"Thanks," Jensen replied, not looking at him.  He hopped off the table and began walking towards the door.

"Jensen..."

Jensen stopped in his tracks, his feet feeling wobbly beneath him, and for a moment he thought he might faint, but instead he was able to turn around.

"Take care of yourself, please, and if you need someone to talk to, please use my number," The doctor offered a smile Jensen’s way, one that Jensen found homely and gracious and once again, he felt the urge to let it all go, the pain, the frustration, the unease, but he knew that if he did that, he would be acknowledging the inevitable and then he would have to deal with it.

"I will and thanks.... I really appreciate what you're trying to do for me but...I...I...I can't, not right now."

"I understand."

No words were exchanged after that but Jensen somehow felt that connection between them.  He had gone through loss and so had Jensen; that meant that they had shared a common bond and he patted the pocket that held the card. Jensen knew he wasn't ready yet to deal with the situation but maybe later down the line he would need someone to talk to. Either way, it wouldn't hurt to keep his number, just in case.

_______________________________

The sounds around him seemed amplified tenfold, and it was as if he wasn't even here anymore.  His body felt weird and he felt every little thing that they were trying to do to him, and all of that scared the shit out of Jared.  He remembered what had happened scene for scene, and he remembered what he had felt: The bullets entering his back, one by one; the pain surging through each muscle, one by one.  But none of that compared to the emotional pain that Jared felt knowing that he would never get a chance to tell the man that he loved how much he meant to him, nor would he have the opportunity to make all that he had put Jensen through right again.  That realization was what hurt Jared the most, but he also believed, deep down, that it was what was keeping him alive at the moment.  Maybe Jared was still clinging on to the realization that if he made it through, he would have someone there who would love him through thick and thin.  Someone who would stand by him no matter what, and most importantly, someone who would take him as he was, not Jared Padalecki, the superstar, but rather Jared Padalecki, the man.  Knowing that he had Jensen to go home to if he just held on a little longer left Jared fighting everything those voices around him were saying.

 

"God, we're going to lose him!  His blood pressure is dropping fast!"

"Well, stabilize it, damn it!  I will not lose this man!"

"We're doing the best we can, doc, but this doesn't look too good.  EMT said three bullets to the chest and three in the limbs."

"We've had worse."

"Well ,we can't open him up if we don't stabilize his blood pressure."

"Listen to me and listen to me good. We won’t lose this patient! Do you know who this is?"

"They said some famous singer."

"Some famous singer!  Some famous singer!  This is not just some famous singer, this is Jared Padalecki and if we lose him tonight, my daughter will never forgive me."

 

_Well, at least the doc's on my side._

Jared knew that if he made it through, he would have to be sure to give the doctor tickets for his daughter.  But for the moment he had to base all his concentration on not slipping into the black unknown because he knew if he did, that would have been the end for him and he refused to go out like that.

But as the words they spoke became heavier and heavier to his ears, Jared knew that it was out of his control. The fight was now up to the Man upstairs and if He had decided that it was time for him to come on home, he would have no choice but to go.  But he would miss it for sure:  The music, the fans and most importantly, the one constant in his life, Jensen.  If he died, at least he could say that he had found someone to love and someone to love him back.  Jared said one final prayer in his head, just asking for one more chance, but if he couldn't get it, all he wanted was for Jensen to find the happiness that he truly deserved. That he would get over him and move on with someone that would give him the world and not cause him any pain, as he had done.  If Jared could be granted that last wish, then he could die a contented man.  He felt his head get heavy and his mind become cloudy, just as it had when Patrick had shot him and thinking that it was the end, Jared recalled Jensen's face in his mind just long enough to say thank you, and then, everything went black... again.

_______________________________

As Chris stood by the kitchen sink looking out into the living room, he thought about his life.  It had been almost two months since he and Misha had reconnected and Chris had to admit that it had been a pretty good two months. At first, he had thought he had made a big mistake by allowing Misha to catch and reel him in with the bait he called Love, but little by little, Misha had managed to wear down Chris’s resolve. Finally it seemed that Chris had turned into one of those saps that he resented.  It took a while for him to get used to his change in lifestyle, after all he hadn't exactly been a one-man kind of guy, but Misha could be persuasive. His lips on Chris’s could make him do things that he didn't believe were possible. Then when Misha wanted to turn things up a notch, those lips would make a trip down south and have Chris singing a brand new tune.  But they did have a relationship outside of sex and Chris was amazed at how well he had been handling it.  Whereas before he wouldn't have gone out in public holding a guy's hand, Chris was finally more than accepting of the fact that a public display of affection was part of a relationship and that it was a sign of commitment, and of course, that thrilled Misha no end.  In the beginning, he had trod lightly around Chris, maybe afraid that Chris would change his mind, but after two months of nothing but consistent affection, he gave in.  Of course that didn't mean that they were without their share of problems.  The fact that Chris lived in LA and Misha in Nashville made for some long-distance tension.  Many times, the situation had come to a head and turned into an all-out shouting match and with neither of them willing to give in, it got old after a while.  Chris had been thinking recently that maybe he had a solution to all of that but he wasn't sure how Misha would react to it, and just on cue, the phone rang.

"Hello," Chris answered, somehow knowing that it was Misha.

"Hey, baby, how are you?" Misha responded sweetly, and Chris realized that he would have a hard time waiting another week for him to get there.

"Good.  How are things with you?"

"Could be better.  I had two surgeries this morning, back to back and unfortunately, one of them didn't make it," Misha paused, sighing before he continued, "father of three kids," His voice sounded heavy and Chris knew Misha was getting into that depression mode again.

"You did your best, Misha, you can't save them all. You know that."

"Yeah, I know, I just feel like...I feel like there is more I could have done, you know.  Anyway, I'm on call in five minutes so I have to make his quick.  I have some bad news about this weekend."

Chris took a deep breath and waited for Misha to drop the bombshell on him.  After all, it wouldn't have been the first time.

"I have to cancel.  I have a conference to go to in New York.  It's really important, Chris, and I was lucky to be able to get a seat to go.  They only ever take five doctors from this area." 

Chris could imagine Misha pursing his lips, waiting for his response.

"Well, I suppose you got to do what you got to do, Misha." 

There was a moment of silence after that until, "You're upset with me," Misha stated.

"No, I'm not.  I just think that... I just wish you wouldn't make arrangements to come see me on the weekends when you know your weekends aren't free," Chris had tried his best to hold his brewing anger in, but it seemed to have spilled over into his words.

"I didn't plan this on purpose, Chris.  It just happened.  This opportunity fell right into my lap and I just couldn't pass it up."

"But you could pass me up, right?" Chris knew he was being unfair, but the fact that he had been going without for almost two weeks now seemed to have clouded his judgment.

"I can't believe you sometimes, Chris.  After everything I do for you, how could you even say that?  Who comes up there to see you almost every weekend, huh?  Who does that?  Me, that's who!  I take time off from work, reroute patients and basically put my life on hold so that I can come see you, and never once have you offered to come down here.  Why is that, Chris?"

Misha’s tone had darkened and Chris could predict an argument coming. Of course, they were just disagreeing at the moment but it was about to get a whole lot worse.

"You're the one who wanted the commitment, Misha, so don't come crying to me because you have to make the sacrifices," Chris hadn't meant to say it as he did, but sometimes, in the heat of the moment, people say and do things that they know aren't right.

"Fuck you, Chris.  Fuck You!  If you don't want to be in this relationship, then leave.  If you're doing me such a big favor by being involved in this relationship, then just fucking leave!  I don't need you, Chris. I don't need you, and I don't need this stress, especially when my so-called sacrifices are being treated so ungratefully," Misha sounded very tough at the moment but if Chris knew him as well as he did, he knew that Misha was trying his hardest not to seem soft in front of him.

"Listen, I'm sorry, OK?  I don't want to fight with you, Misha but you have to understand what I'm going through from my point of view.  This is the first real relationship that I've been in and it's a big fucking step from what I'm used to.  This whole fidelity and monogamy thing is hard enough without adding to the mix the fact that we don't even see each other on a regular basis," Chris didn't know he had it in him to be diplomatic, but it seemed to him that his newfound sense of diplomacy had managed to diffuse an already heated situation when Misha asked him a question rather than shouting it.

"Why does this have to be so hard, Chris?  I mean, before, things weren't all that great, but at least we could have had a conversation without it turning into some shouting match.  But now, it seems that all we do is argue and bicker like children.  I love you so much, Chris, and I'm afraid if we keep this up, that I'll... that I'll lose you," Misha’s voice sounded somber and Chris could imagine his face frowning.

Chris thought about the next turn of his words before he said them, "It'll get better, Misha.  It's just because we're new to this and we've been away from each other for weeks now.  Things will get better when we see each other again," And recalling Misha’s reason for calling him, Chris continued with, "It may not be this weekend but it'll be soon, I promise."

Chris didn't feel as confident as he sounded but Misha didn't need to know that. Chris heard a pager go off in the background and knew that their short conversation was about to come to an end.

"Well, that's me.  I'm sorry Chris, for canceling.  If you want...I can cancel the conference and come to see you."

Chris wondered if Misha was serious and just by the simple fact that he was patiently waiting for Chris’s response confirmed to him that he was.  And not for the first time, Chris realized that Misha did love him.  Despite all that he put Misha through, and all the stresses that he heaped upon Misha’s life, he truly, madly, deeply did love him and finally realizing that, made Chris both happy and sad.  Happy in the fact that he didn't feel so bad if he was starting to have those feelings for Misha when he realized that they would be returned tenfold, but he was sad in terms that he wasn't too sure that he could love Misha the way he wanted to, or deserved to be loved.  Somewhere along the way, Chris had stopped being his selfish old self and had decided to give Misha a half-way decent chance of getting under his skin and into his heart.  Misha had tried his darnedest and had finally succeeded but Chris hadn't had the courage to let him know just how deep his feelings ran for Misha.  A part of Chris still feared that giving up himself to Misha would mean giving up the core of who he was and what he had been for the majority of his life, a self-indulgent playboy who never intended to be bedded down with one guy. But things had changed drastically, and Misha was the cause of it all.

"I believe you, Chris.  I know this is hard on you and I know that you've rearranged your whole lifestyle for us and I just want you to know that no matter what, I love and appreciate you for it."

Misha’s words touched Chris to the core and he had to stop himself from feeling moved by his words.

"Well, I better let you go back to work.  Maybe I'll call you later for a little bump and grind," Chris hoped that would be enough to turn the conversation around, for all of that serious talk and expressions of love was getting to him.

He could practically hear Misha smiling through the phone, "Bump and grind, huh, I bet you'd like that.  How long has it been?"

"The last time you were up here, too damn long.  I miss that ass of yours."

"And you haven't been messing with anyone else?" Misha ventured, his tone taking a one-eighty degree turn.  He was still suspicious of what Chris did while he was away and he had every right to be.  Chris wasn't exactly a perfect model when it came to fidelity and it was becoming harder and harder to turn away all those men that wanted to mess with him.

"You know I haven't.  If I feel the need to fuck another guy, Misha, you'll be the first to know," Chris waited for a response from Misha and when none came, he continued with, "I meant what I said about being faithful, Misha. Remember that."

Misha sheepishly apologized for bringing it up, and before Chris could intervene with a 'don't worry about it', he had said "I love you" and hung up.  Chris replaced the receiver in its cradle and walked into the living room. Sitting on the sofa, he turned on the television and was just in time to catch the last five minutes of the evening news.

"Well, as reported earlier by our affiliate in Nashville, famed R and B superstar Jared Padalecki was shot inside his garage at around three-thirty this afternoon.  Sources close to the investigation report that Mr. Padalecki sustained serious gunshot wounds to the chest, arms and legs and remains in critical condition at Nashville Medical Centre.  Again, famed R and B superstar Jared has been shot and critically injured in an alleged murder attempt by someone in his camp.  We will bring you more details as they become available to us.  Lisa, back you.  Thanks, Shannon and in other news..."

Chris leaned back against the couch, his mouth agape and tried to get his thoughts together.  Could that be true?  The media had been wrong about that sort of thing before and had caused mass hysteria with their false reports but for some reason, that didn't seem to be the case.  They even gave the type of injury that he had sustained and the hospital in which he was being treated.  Chris picked up the phone and began punching in Jensen's cell phone number.  If there was any truth to it, Jensen would know. After  the fourth ring, Chris was about to hang up when he heard Jensen’s voice on the other end of the line.

"Hello," Jensen sounded hoarse, as if he had been crying.

"Jen, it's Chris.  I just heard on the news about Jared.  I'm so sorry."

"Me too.  I was supposed to be meeting him to, to work things out but then...then this happened," Chris could hear that Jensen was desperately trying to hold it together and that made his heart clench in his chest.  His friend was hurting and there seemed to nothing that Chris could do to ease his pain.

"What happened?"  Chris asked, wanting to hear things from Jensen’s perspective.

"I don't know.  They just said someone, a fan maybe, shot him a number of times," Jensen’s voice broke and he started to cry quietly, "They killed him just because he was with me.  They killed him because of me, Chris.  If it wasn't for me, if I didn't push this lifestyle on him, maybe, maybe he would still be alive," Jensen’s emotions had collapsed and he started to openly cry.

It took Chris a while to focus in on what Jensen had said and when Chris realized the consequences of it, he spoke up.

"He's not dead, Jensen!  He's in critical condition but he's still alive."

"What?" Jensen asked, his voice uncertain.

"On the news, they said he's in critical condition at Nashville Medical Centre."

"No, they're wrong.  He's dead, he died.  I saw his body.  I... he's dead, he's dead," From that point on, Jensen totally disintegrated into a mass of sobs.  Chris wanted so bad to be able to reach through the phone and hold him at that moment, to be the friend he had failed to be so many times before.

"It's OK, Jenny, it's OK, baby.  It's OK...  It'll be OK, just calm down. Take a deep breath and calm down," Jensen seemed to be following Chris’s instructions for he began to breathe normally again and his sobs became less violent.

"You OK now, Jenny?" Chris asked, hoping to get Jensen to tell him something that would confirm to him that he was truly OK.

"Yeah," he answered weakly.

"I can be there in a few hours if you need me..."

Jensen cut him off stating that he was going to be fine.  Chris was at a loss for words as to what to say now but the decision was quickly made for him.

"He's really alive, he's OK?  Are you sure, Chris?"

"Yes, it was on the news.  They said he was in critical condition but that he was still alive.  He's still alive, Jensen," Chris’s words seemed to bring about a sigh of relief from Jensen and the repeated mantra of 'thank you'.

"You'll be ok, Jensen, you'll be ok," Chris stated to which he replied,

"Thanks Chris...I...I have to go but I'll call you later.  And Chris...I love you. Thanks...for everything," Chris could hear the emotion in Jensen’s voice and could tell that he was on the verge of tears again, so he quickly gave him an out by telling him to go see Jared.  Jensen was more than happy to oblige Chris and hung up.  After that, Chris spent a few minutes just sitting and digesting everything that had just happened.  Someone upstairs was obviously messing with Jared as that was the second time that misfortune had struck him.  The first time he had up and disappeared leaving everyone believing that he had been killed in a plane crash and then this incident. 

_Poor Jensen!_

Jensen had been through so much with the relationship, but like a faithful puppy, he just kept going back for more. It was the first time that Chris finally realized that Jensen really did love Jared with all his heart.  To stand by a man who was a public identity one second and the next, a volatile man who was liable to snap at any minute, that sure was love.  But through all of that, Jensen had been there, and it made Chris wonder if Misha would be that strong in his resolve to be with him.  Of course, they had not had anything happen in their relationship that could come close to what Jared and Jensen had gone through. But they had had their share of bad times, and through it all, Misha had stood by him, determined to keep them together and even though in the beginning Chris had not appreciated it, he finally did.  Chris picked up the phone again and punched in the familiar number.

Misha's answering machine greeted him and Chris decided to leave him a message,

"Hey, Misha.  I um...I was thinking that you're right.  I have been a little selfish lately and I want to make it up to you.  I'm thinking that I can be there by nine tomorrow and that way we can at least have Thursday and Friday nights together before your conference on Saturday.  You've been right in saying that I've been avoiding coming down there but it is only to keep myself out of trouble.  It's been hard for me not being able to have sex whenever I want and not being able to see you whenever I want.  But I want to give this...give us, an honest shot.  Anyway, I just wanted to let you know that I'm serious about this and about you and...I think, no, I know that...I love you.  Anyway, I got to go but I'll see you tomorrow, bye."

With that, Chris hung up.  He couldn't believe that he had actually said it. Never in his wildest dreams would Chris have thought that those words were capable of coming out of his mouth, but they had, and to top it all off, he didn't feel the tinge of regret that he thought he would if and when the time had come for him to say that to another person. It left Chris smiling inside, knowing that maybe for once in his life, he was man enough to trust someone else.

_______________________________

Jensen stood inside the lobby of the Nashville Medical Centre amidst hordes of reporters and bystanders alike, unable to get past the barricade that was set up by the hospital staff and Security personnel.  He wanted to make a mad dash towards them but knew that that would only get him so far and he would likely be put in a jail cell. But he would not give up, not when the man that he loved was in there, all alone, trying to fight for his life. He decided to make another attempt up at the nurse's station, to see if someone, anyone,could get him in, if only for a second.

"Excuse me?"  Jensen asked, trying his best not to look annoyed at the nurse behind the counter who even refused to acknowledge his presence.

"What can I do for you?"  She replied, not even having the decency to look at Jensen.

"I want to see Jared Padalecki."

She finally looked up at Jensen's words but the expression on her face was a far cry from sympathetic.

"You and half the free world, sweetheart.  Mr. Padalecki is off -limits so why don't you go join your other reporter buddies and leave me in peace," With that, she turned her chair around and began reading a magazine that was lying by her desk.  On impulse, Jensen reached over and snatched it out of her hand.

"Hey!" She called, "Give that back and get the hell away from my station before I call Security."

Jensen was not about to let her get the upper hand, though. He threw the magazine over her head and when she bent to pick it up, Jensen ran past her station and through the door that stated "Restricted Personnel Only".  Jensen could hear her scream something to someone in the background but he didn't care.  He had to find Jared.  He ran down the long, white corridor trying every door that looked promising until he came to two double doors marked "Surgery: Do Not Enter - Restricted Personnel Only".  Jensen pushed them open and was stopped in his tracks.  Two men in green scrubs stood over the operating table with scalpels in hand.

"You can't be in here.  Get out! said one of the nurses.  She reached over her shoulder to pick up the telephone and no doubt, to dial security,  but before she could get her hand around it, the double doors burst open and two uniformed officers stepped in, grabbing both Jensen's hands and making an attempt to remove him from the room.

"No!  Please, let me see him!  Let me go, I have to see him!" Jensen screamed, flailing his hands and kicking, trying to do anything that would force those men to release him so that he could go and be by Jared's side.

"Calm down, buddy!  Calm down!"  One officer screamed, holding Jensen's hand tighter.

"Please, don't take me away, I have to see him.  He needs me, my baby needs me!"

Jensen's cries seemed to fall on deaf ears as they began pulling him through the doors until one doctor stopped them.

"Wait!  Let him go," he called.

"What?  He can't be in here.  He's a reporter who broke through the barricade and,-" one officer started to say.

"No, I know this man, and he's no reporter, he's Jared's partner. Let him go but escort him to the Observation Room, please.  It's for the safety of the patient.  You may watch from there, sir, but I need you to leave, now."

The officers exchanged a look of angst but then conceded, releasing Jensen's arms and slowly walking him to the next room.  He let out a sigh of relief and collapsed against the wall.  One of the guards ran over to Jensen, catching him just before he hit the floor.

"Are you ok?" He asked.

"Yes, I'm fine.  I just feel so...I feel dehydrated."

"Hold on."  With that, he walked over to the fountain, grabbed a cup from the dispenser, filled it with water and walked back over to Jensen.

"Here, drink this," he said, handing it to Jensen.  After Jensen had finished the water, he realized that he was beginning to feel much better and his attention returned to where it belonged, on Jared.

"Oh God.  Is he...is he OK?" Jensen asked, tears welling up in his eyes.  Just seeing Jared there, lying so still on the table, a breathing tube down his throat and machines surrounding him, breathing for him, giving him life, it made Jensen feel overwhelmed and he had to hold on the guard's arm to keep from collapsing again.

"Whoa there, take a seat.  Just sit here for a minute to catch your breath," the guard said, leading Jensen over to a chair in front of the window.  Jensen slid down into it and stared at the sight before him, wanting to look away but unable to do so.  Jared needed him to be strong for both of them at the moment.  The doctors had resumed whatever they had been doing before Jensen had interrupted them.  They picked up their scalpels and began cutting into Jared's flesh. Jensen had to turn away as he saw blood begin to flow from Jared's wounds.

Over the speakers Jensen heard, "Ok, the first incision is made now let's cleanse the area and then remove the fragments." 

Their instructions forced Jensen, as is human nature, to look at what they were doing. He watched as they used an instrument to reach into the incision and pull out what looked to be a bullet fragment. It clanked into the pan the nurse held. Jensen froze when he saw it and tears began to silently slide down his cheeks.

_Oh, baby!_

Jensen watched again and again as they dug into Jared's chest and pulled out more pieces of shattered metal. He closed his eyes and just sent a quiet prayer above, begging for a second chance to make things work. Jensen thought if God could grant him that, then he would be a very happy man; and, as if out of nowhere, something Chris had said to him came floating back.  Chris had told Jensen that with everything that had happened between them, if he really wanted things to work between him and Jared, he should keep his hope and cling to his leap of faith.  Jensen was not sure why he was thinking about that moment, but it was so vivid in his head that he could picture every detail of their exchange that day.  Thinking about that forced Jensen to believe that Jared and he were at that point in their relationship, they had survive all the drama, all the pain, because through it all Jensen had faith in them and their love.  He had done it before and he could do it again. He would keep the faith for both of them. That wouldn't be the end of their story, it just couldn't be.  That train of thought kept Jensen believing that Jared would come back to him and that they would get through things as they had everything else in their lives. Their faith would help them get through it.

 

The doctor's hand on his brought Jensen back to the present and he had no choice but to prepare to hear the news.

"Well, he made it through the surgery alright but he is still in critical condition.  He has multiple gunshot wounds to his chest and unfortunately, a bullet pierced his right lung so there was some internal bleeding.  We have stabilized him, though, and he is no longer on the breathing machine.  
He has a good chance, Jensen.  That's all I can say with any certainty, he has a chance," With that the doctor began to slightly caress the top of Jensen's hand.

"Thank you," Jensen barely managed to get out, "I...appreciate what you're trying to do for him, and thank you for letting me observe.  You didn't know me but you let me in.  I'll never forget you for that."

The doctor smiled and shook his head, "My daughter is a big fan of Jared. She loves him to death and thinks he is the next best thing to God.  She has his posters all over her room."

"And you don't have a problem with that knowing that he's..." and for some reason, Jensen couldn't get the words out.

"Gay?  Not at all.  He's still a person, isn't he?  Someone's son, someone's brother," and then pausing to look Jensen in the eye, the doctor continued with, "Someone's lover?  I know who you are, Jensen. I've read the papers, and to tell you the God's honest truth it's a shame that you boys had to go through all that you did.  It's a damn shame that things had to come to this, but I'll promise you one thing, my staff and I will do our best to keep Jared here with us."

"Thanks," Jensen responded, the weight on his shoulder slightly lifted from the doctor's kind words.

"Well, if you want, you can have some time alone with him.  He's still unconscious but he just may be able to hear what you have to say.  It might be the thing to bring him back."

Jensen readily jumped at the offer and followed the doctor until they reached a closed door marked 309.  The doctor slowly opened it and stepped aside, allowing Jensen to pass. Jensen slowly walked in and turned around just in time to catch the doctor's back as he shut the door. He slowly turned back around and walked up to the bedside.  Looking down on Jared, Jensen saw that he looked as if he were taking a nap.  Jared's face remained neutral, as it had been on so many times after he had fallen asleep, after they had made love.  There was nothing there to suggest that someone had tried to end his life just a few short hours before or that he was still fighting for his life.  Jensen reached for Jared's hand and gently began caressing it as he spoke to Jared.

"Jared, I'm here, baby.  I'm here holding your hand, waiting for you to come back to me.  I love you so much, baby, and I need you.  I need you in my life to make it complete.  I need you here with me, Jared, because without you, I just don't think I can go on living another day.  I know that you're probably tired and weak from fighting so hard and that you may want to just let go, but don't.  I need you, the fans need you.  You are so loved, sweetheart, and the world won't be the same without you. I won't be the same without you," and with that, Jensen broke down into a mass of sobs. He couldn't lose Jared, he just couldn't. And as if Jared could feel his pain, Jensen felt something.  He looked down on Jared's hand encased in his and saw that Jared's fingers were moving.  It wasn't much, but it was something.  It seemed only a second before it stopped, but it was enough to let Jensen know that Jared was still there somewhere and that he was going to fight things with Jensen standing by his side.  Jensen leaned into Jared and kissed him gently.  There was no response.  Jensen took the seat nearest to Jared and continued to hold Jared's hand as he laid his head on the side of Jared's bed and softly began to sing one of the songs he had written with Jared. He knew he could not hold a tune but it was enough for him to get through the next twenty-four hours and it was enough for Jared to know that Jensen was there, no matter what.


	32. Chapter 32

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> AU / Everybody has a dream. Some people make their dreams come true. Some just let their life slip by thinking about it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> None of this would be possible and readable without my awesome beta,[](http://bigj52.livejournal.com/profile)[bigj52](http://bigj52.livejournal.com/) . I learn from you everyday.

Jared awoke with the distinct feeling of numbness in some areas and pain in others. It was as if his brain had begun processing what his body was feeling all at once. He cried out in pain and was greeted with some sort of intrusion into his body, probably a syringe.

"Jared, it's good of you to join us again. You gave us quite a scare there."

Jared looked to the direction of the voice and was able to make out the form of a man in a white lab coat.

"I know by now you're probably feeling some discomfort in your body and that's quite normal for the injuries you've sustained and I promise that I'll give you something for it soon but right now, my top concern is to keep your blood pressure stabilized."

Jared wanted to respond but all that he managed to get out was a strangled gasp for water.

"Of course you're thirsty, Jared. For the past few days you've been fed through an IV tube."

The doctor walked over to a table at the far end of the room and poured the contents of the plastic jug into a cup. He walked over to Jared and held the glass to his lips. The first drops of liquid seemed to incite a thirst in Jared that made him become frantic, suddenly gripping the cup with both hands and tilting it to his lips, succeeding in forcing more water to dribble down his chin and his chest rather than in his mouth.

"Let's elevate this a bit, shall we?"

And with that, the doctor pressed a switch that enabled the bed to elevate to a sitting position. Jared was grateful for the change in position and was able to quickly finish his glass and ask for another.

"Good. It's encouraging that you're thirsty. If you keep this up, we'll probably have you try eating some solid food for dinner tonight. Maybe some mashed potatoes and gravy."

"Or some steak and bakes," Jared chimed in.

The doctor smiled and responded with a, "Steak and bakes it is, though we'll probably have someone in here to monitor that you only eat small pieces."

"Whatever you have to do as long as I get to eat soon, I'm starving," Jared stated, his throat beginning to tighten up and become scratchy.

"Water?" The doctor asked, already walking away from Jared to get it.

It seemed that only a moment passed before Jared realized that he had to take a leak and his reflexes took over. He attempted to move his legs to get up off the bed but came to realize that he couldn't even feel them. His eyes turned to the doctor for an explanation.

"What's wrong with my legs? I can't feel them, I can't move them," Jared's words trailed off as he waited for the doctors' words of comfort that it was only a temporary problem, something that time and medication could fix, but silence was all that greeted him.

"Doc?" Jared started to say but was cut off by the opening of the door. He looked past the doctor and for a moment, the questions on his mind evaporated into thin air as he saw who had just entered his room.

"Oh my god...Jared," Jensen's voice was low and hoarse, but Jared could hear the jubilation in it, and that made him all the more happy to see Jensen. Jensen stood over by the door, seemingly shocked into place by Jared's miraculous awakening, but soon enough he got the courage to walk up to Jared and reach for his hand. Jared reached and pulled Jensen down to him, connecting his lips to Jensen's. And despite what Jared knew was a case of bad breath on his part, he held the back of Jensen's head to him and tried to make it last as long as possible. And if it wasn't for the doctor clearing his throat, they would probably have kept on going and going and going.

Jared let go of Jensen's head and looked into his eyes. They didn't hold their usual pep that Jared knew them to have but told him of all the heartache Jensen had gone through since Jared had been in the hospital.

"I missed you, baby," Jared muttered, pulling Jensen to him once again, this time in an embrace.

"Me, too," Jensen managed to utter back.

Jared never wanted their embrace to end, but the question that he had begun to pursue before Jensen's arrival found its way to the forefront of his mind once again.

He held onto Jensen's hand as he asked the question to the doctor again, and by the look of foreboding on his face, Jared had a feeling that he wouldn't like what he heard.

The doctor cleared his throat and began speaking, "I think we should talk about this when you've gotten back a little bit of your strength,-"

"I want to know what's wrong with me now, doc. I want to know what you know."

Again the doctor tried to evade Jared, but after being in the dark for so long, Jared wasn't having it.

"I have a right to know what's wrong with me," he started, "and you'd better tell me."

Jared could hear the irritation in his voice and tried to remind himself that it wasn't the doctor's fault he was in that position.

"Fine, but I have to advise you that our information is just preliminary. We're still running tests and we haven't concluded anything as of yet," he stated, looking from Jared to Jensen.

When neither of them responded, the doctor continued, "Fine. What we've found so far is that you've sustained a substantial loss of blood from a bullet piercing your kidney. You've also fractured your spine. We haven't determined this for certain as of yet but we think that the damage done to your spine may be irreversible."

Jared heard the doctor's words but he didn't understand them, and he told him so.

"What I'm trying to tell you is that what your experiencing now, no feeling in your lower extremities, it may not be a temporary situation."

Those words cut through Jared like a knife and he found himself unable to speak.

"You could be wrong though, couldn't you? It could only be a temporary situation, couldn't it? You don't know for an absolute fact that he may never walk again, do you?" Jensen's words were imploring and it gave Jared a sense of pride knowing that Jensen was there to lend support to both of them when  
Jared was unable to do it.

"No, I don't. We still have more tests to run and even if the tests conclude that Jared is, in fact, paralyzed, there may be a chance that all of this is reversible. I've seen similar cases before where patients have made reasonable recoveries."

"So you're saying there's still a chance then,-" Jensen continued.

"No, I'm saying that we still have more tests to run and when we find out what is what, we'll go from there. I don't want to get your hopes up, nor do I want to dash them, so I recommend we just wait and see."

It took all Jared could to hold his tongue and to urge Jensen to do the same. He didn't want that to be the prognosis, and in his mind, it was better to wait for the test results before starting to worry about what would have to be done if... he didn't even want to think of that being a possibility, so he shut it out.

"I want to have time alone with Jensen," Jared said, not looking in the doctor's direction.

"Sure, sure. I'll give you until 2:15, and then he has to come back tomorrow. We've got to get you into observation and soon."

Jared looked up at the clock and saw that it was already 1:30, not leaving much time for them, but he planned to make the most out of it. As soon as the doctor left the room, he did. He reached up and pulled Jensen down to him once more and kissed him as if it was their last day together. Jensen didn't resist him, instead, using the opportunity to feel Jared up.

"I love you so much, Jensen. I really do," he repeated, over and over again, as if his words had fallen on deaf ears.

"I know you do, baby, and I love you, too," Jared responded, holding onto Jensen with the little strength that he had left. They embraced for what seemed like forever until Jared's arms grew tired and he found that he needed to rest them by his side.

"Jensen, hold up, hold up," Jared managed to get out.

"What, what's the matter, Jared? Did I hurt you? Are you OK?"

"Yeah, I'm fine, I just need a break," With that, Jensen pulled away from him, but not out of his reach. Jensen's hand found Jared's and gently held it. Jared had to admit that it felt damn good, damn familiar, something that he needed at the moment. He needed that feeling to help him to keep his mind off the real issue. He knew he would eventually have to deal with it but that wasn't the right time.

"So... how are you... feeling?" The tone of Jensen's words told Jared that he was nervous, maybe even afraid to ask Jared any questions pertaining to what had happened. Why Jensen would feel like that, Jared didn't know, but he was determined to put Jensen's mind at ease.

"Ah, could be better, but I'm cool. I am not feeling that much pain either. Don't worry, Jensen, things are going to get better."

"You really think so?" Jensen asked, worriedly.

"Yeah. It's going to take some time but things are going to be all right."

That seemed to get Jensen to relax a little as he gently gave Jared's hand a little love tap and smiled Jared's way. That smile lit up Jensen's whole face, and Jared couldn't help but pull Jensen's lips to his. Jensen seemed happy at Jared's response as he pressed into Jared further and ran his hand over the back of Jared's head. Jared was anxious to see how far Jensen would go, but the opening of the hospital door caused Jensen to quickly sit up and away from him. When he backed away, Jared looked to see what had caused the interruption, and saw the doctor. Jared looked towards the clock and saw that it was almost two forty five, way past visiting hours. He looked at Jensen and sighed. Jensen leaned into him and kissed him on the lips one more time before telling Jared he loved him and that he would soon be back.

"If you want, you can wait in the lounge until after his observation. It could be an hour to a few hours, but that'll give you a chance to get something to eat and get some rest, and if you want, I can wake you up when he's done here."

The doctor's word brought a smile to Jensen's face, and Jared could see that he was on the verge of saying 'yes', so he interjected,

"You should go home, baby, and come back tomorrow," Jared started.

"No... no, I want to be here when you finish up, Jared. I don't want to leave your side for anything."

"No, you need your sleep. Look at you, you look as if you're about to have a case of narcolepsy."

"I can manage,-" Jensen started, but Jared interjected this time,

"No, I'll be OK. I just need a bit of alone time, OK, and some rest. I want to be refreshed and alert when I see you next, and I want you to go home and get some sleep."

Jensen was poised to object, but one look from Jared had him agreeing.

"Fine, but I'll be back first thing tomorrow morning, OK?"

"Ok," Jared replied, pulling Jensen into himself and hugging him tight.

"I love you," Jared whispered into his ear.

"I know," Jensen whispered back, and turned his head to kiss Jared's cheek. He released Jared, and stood up, his hands jammed into his pockets.

"Well, Jared, a technician will be down shortly to bring you up to an observation room."

"OK," Jared responded with his eyes still fixed on Jensen. He noticed Jared's stare and walked back over to him and leaned down to kiss him one final time.

"I don't want to leave, but I'm going to because you asked me to, but I'll be back," he whispered, and when he leaned away from Jared slightly, his eyes were filled with tears.

"Shh, don't cry, baby. You'll see me tomorrow, I promise," Jared whispered, trying to reassure Jensen.

"I know," Jensen managed to stutter out, as a steady stream of tears cascaded down his cheeks and onto Jared's gown. Jared reached and pulled Jensen into himself once again, and kissed the side of Jensen's cheek for the longest time, until he heard the door open again, and looked over Jensen's shoulder to see the technician walk into the room pulling with him a portable gurney.

Jensen pulled away reluctantly and leaned away from him. Jared tried to offer up a smile that would hopefully ease Jensen's mind, but all it seemed to do was cause more tears to fall. Jared was about to pull Jensen into him, but sensing his move, Jensen pulled away from Jared, and with a quick `see you later', he walked out of the room closing the door behind him.

"Well, are you ready, Mr. Padalecki?" asked the technician, seemingly oblivious to the turmoil that Jared was going through.

"Yeah," Jared managed to get out, "I'm ready." And with that, the technician, along with the doctor, helped Jared unto the gurney, and the technician rolled him out of the room.

_______________________________

 

Chris had tried convincing himself that he was there not only to see Misha, but to catch up on things with old friends. When he had moved away to LA, he had left behind a lot of acquaintances, most not even memorable, but, nonetheless, people he had known in his previous life: drunks, sex addicts, a few drug users, and more than his fair share of tricks. Not something that Chris was proud to admit, but that was a part of his life, one that he could never go back and change. Even though Chris had not thought about them much, he found himself using them as an excuse to drive down to Nashville so that he wouldn't have to face the real reason he was there - to see Misha. They had spoken last night on the phone, and Misha had spent most of the time telling Chris how much he appreciated Chris's declaration of love for him, but that maybe he should take some time to think about what he was saying, which was strange, coming from a man that had always been upfront about his feelings for Chris. But it was what Misha had said, and Chris could somewhat understand Misha's reluctance to take his words at face value, not when he had been so adamant about wanting to take things slow. But during that brief time between leaving the message and hearing Misha's response, Chris had had enough time to realize that he meant what he had said. He truly loved Misha, and behind his cover story lay the real truth why he had taken time off to drive back to Nashville, risk falling back into his old habits, and possibly risking a part of him he never knew existed, his heart. But whatever happened Chris wasn't about to turn back around and chump out of it. As he pulled into the parking lot of the hospital, he took a deep breath. The urge to cross the street and to buy a pack of smokes was overwhelming, but to his knowledge, Misha didn't smoke and he didn't want Misha to see him after all that time and recall later on that the highlight of seeing him was his smokers' breath. He exited the car and walked through the automatic sliding door to the reception desk. The redhead in front of him in the white nurse's uniform looked up from her chart and spoke to him,

"How can I help you, sir?"

"Yeah, hi, um, is Dr. Misha Collins here?" Chris asked, putting his hands in his pockets to keep them from shaking. She pulled out a silver binder and flipped through till she arrived at the right page.

"Yes, he's on call today, how may I help you?"

"Um, could you just let me know where I could find him?"

"Sir, he's very busy today. If you're a patient, then you can take a seat and I'll see if Dr. Collins is accepting any unannounced patients."

"No, I'm a friend of his from LA," Chris announced.

"Name?" The nurse asked, looking up. Chris was reluctant to give her his name and he knew that she wouldn't have just let him through so he decided to just tell her half the truth.

"Hey, Lisa," Chris said, reading her name tag that was pinned high onto her ample chest, "I drove in from LA to see Misha. He's an old college buddy of mine and I haven't seen him in like forever. He isn't expecting me, and I just want to surprise him, you know. So could you just show me his office, or something? Help a friend out." Chris gave his my most charming look, but all it seemed to accomplish was to get a laugh out of her.

"Listen, sweetheart. This is one of the biggest hospitals in Nashville, and we have a staff of over one hundred and fifty doctors, who possibly have over a hundred and fifty college buddies a piece. It's against regulation for me to let you back unless you're a patient or family, and from what I've heard you're neither. So what you need to do is give me a name, and I'll give him a page."

It was hard for Chris to get upset with her, especially when she was being so sweet, but the need to see Misha outweighed that fact.

"What the fuck difference does it make, Lisa, whether you page him or I go back there unannounced? The guy knows me, for Gods' sake," Chris's voice had risen a bit, and he turned to see a security officer turn his way. Lisa seemed to notice it too for she smiled at Chris tight-lipped and spoke,

"You see that beefy stud muffin over there? That happens to be my husband, and if you don't step the hell away from my desk, I just might be inclined to call him over."

That was enough to put Chris in check as he bid her a less than pleasant farewell, and walked out to his car. He figured that Misha would have to come out at some point in time for dinner or something, and when he did, Chris would make his move.

_______________________________

Chris looked at the clock on the dashboard and saw that it was past ten p.m. He had been waiting for almost six hours and he was beginning to lose all feeling in his feet. He had walked around the lot and had spotted Misha's car, so he knew that he was still there, but that did little to comfort him as he was freezing. Just when he decided that maybe it was time for him to just forget the whole plan and give Misha a call, Misha walked out of the automated doors with two other colleagues in tow. They parted ways at his car and Chris watched as Misha searched his jacket pocket for his keys. Chris took that as his cue to move. He quietly opened his car door and walked quietly towards Misha's turned back, and just as Misha pressed his car alarm, Chris pounced on Misha from behind covering the back of Misha's neck with his lips. It seemed like a good idea when he thought it up but seeing Misha's reaction made him rethink his position. Misha's elbow connected with Chris's stomach, and when he was doubled over, Misha's knee connected with his nose. Chris fell back into a tree and slid painfully to the ground.

"Shit, Misha, it's me!" Chris cried out, holding his nose with his hands.

"Chris," Misha said, tentatively at first, as if he wasn't sure it was Chris, and then he stared into Chris's face, a look of shock etched onto his.

"Oh, God, I'm so sorry, baby, I didn't know it was you. What are you doing here? Are you OK? Come on, let me take you inside and check to see if you're OK," Misha's voice was remorseful and almost made up for the fact that Chris's nose felt as if it had been split in half.

"No, I'm fine. It's just a nose bleed."

"Don't be ridiculous, Chris. Jesus Christ, I could have broken your nose. What were you doing sneaking up on me like that? I thought you were a mugger or something. And you still haven't told me what you're doing here."

As Misha bombarded him with questions, Chris had an opportunity to look into the face that he hadn't seen in weeks, and all he could think of was how much he missed Misha.

"What?" Misha asked, when he picked up on Chris staring. It was unnerving him no end, as he began to blush furiously, and tried his best to avoid Chris's prolonged stare.

Chris held his nose, trying to prevent the blood from gushing down onto his white shirt, while at the same time trying to hear his own voice over that of his pounding heart. Without thinking of those things anymore, Chris told Misha, "I love you."

Those words weren't said in a flustered moment, nor were they said in the heat of the moment, but rather they were said at the right moment, the moment when Chris went through what Misha had probably been going through for the past few months. The stars seemed to be shining a little brighter and Chris couldn't even imagine his life without Misha in it.

"I know," Misha's voice brought Chris back to reality, and he couldn't help but smile.

"And you believe me?"

"I always have, Chris," Chris had to admit he was relieved to hear that, "Now can we get you inside and checked out, please, before you bleed to death?" Misha added.

"OK, OK, now we can get this checked out," Chris stated, taking Misha's hand and following his lead. As they started walking towards the entrance Chris spoke again, "Boy, you got a punch on you."

Misha seemed to find the humor in it as he responded with, "I know but I'm a lover, not a fighter."

It was a cheesy line, even coming from Misha, but it was something that Chris held on to. And for some reason, he needed to hear that, to know that was what they were to each other, and what they planned to do with each other. He was fed up with the childish bullshit and needed Misha's's reassurance that they were through with their petty fighting.

"So, I take it you're happy to see me?" Chris assumed, holding his head back slightly to contain the bleeding.

"More than happy," Misha whispered, and with that, he leaned in and kissed Chris slowly on the lips. It was brief but it was all the reassurance Chris needed.

_______________________________

Misha's head rested on Chris's chest as he played with his black hair that he had allowed to grow out a little. Misha looked up at Chris and smiled, taking the tender moment to kiss Chris's chest ever so slowly.

"I want to make love again," Misha whispered, trailing his fingers down until he reached Chris's boxers.

"Soon," Chris promised, "but first, I want to talk."

Misha looked up at Chris, his eyes widening at the prospect.

"You want to talk rather than have sex, unbelievable!"

"Funny, smart ass. Keep that up and you'll be using your hand tonight," Chris teased, leaning in to kiss Misha's forehead.

"You know I'm just kidding. If you want to talk, then we'll talk." With that, Misha sat up as did Chris and he turned to face him.

"Well, I, um, I like how things seem to be turning out for us. But there is a problem that I don't see us working around."

Misha looked up at Chris worriedly, and began absentmindedly biting his lower lip.

"What problem?" He asked.

"This distance thing," Chris stated.

"Chris..." Misha started, and stopped, as Chris put a finger to his lips to silence him.

"It's not going to work, Misha. I need you right there with me or else I might, I might resort to my old ways, and I don't want that. But at the same time I don't feel it’s right for me to ask you to move, so I've come to a conclusion."

"Which is?" Misha asked, hesitantly.

"Well, of course I'll have to ask your permission first, but I'm going to be moving back up this way, and if it's OK with you, I want to move in here with you, or we can get a place together, kind of like a fresh start, you know."

A smile began to slowly spread across Misha's face.

"Are you serious, Chris, no bullshitting? You're moving back and in here?"

"If it's OK with you," Chris said. For a moment, he thought Misha was about to cry, but instead, he flung himself into Chris's arms and started to kiss the side of his neck.

"You damn well know it's OK with me. I can't believe you'd want to do this."

"Well, if you're not sure...," Chris teased.

"Shut up, Chris, you know I'm sure. Now, can we have sex? All this sentimentality is starting to get to me. I might think you're going soft," Misha teased in return, looking up at Chris.

"I'll show you soft," Chris growled, leaning into Misha and kissing him roughly before reaching over and turning off the light.  



	33. Chapter 33

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> AU / Everybody has a dream. Some people make their dreams come true. Some just let their life slip by thinking about it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> None of this would be possible and readable without my awesome beta,[](http://bigj52.livejournal.com/profile)[bigj52](http://bigj52.livejournal.com/) . I learn from you everyday.

_Two Months Later_

 

Jared held onto the parallel bars like his life depended on it, and ever so slowly, he hoisted himself up. It hurt like hell to have to put all his body weight onto his arms, but Jared knew that was what he had to do if he didn't want to end up being a cripple for the rest of his life. Jared knew he had a slim chance. That's been what the doctor had told him, point blank.

"It doesn't look good, Jared, but that doesn't mean you shouldn't give it your all in physical therapy. If we can get your muscle strength back, then just maybe in a year or two, you may be able to have some form of mobility with your legs."

Jared knew that he probably should have been grateful that he was even alive after the pounding he took from the bullets, but he wasn't. He didn't have his career, he didn't have use of his legs, and above all, he was of no use to anybody, especially Jensen. Jared couldn't even function as a man anymore. They had tried once or twice but with no success and all Jensen could do was to give him a strained smile and say, "It's gonna be alright, babe." Jared knew Jensen was being polite, but he pretended that everything was fine, especially him, and went about his therapy sessions.

"You're doing great, Jared, just hold on a little bit longer, just a few minutes more."

The voice of his physical therapist brought Jared back to the present and he let her words wash over him as did the sweat that was beginning to cascade down his back, as if he had just taken a shower.

"You're doing well, Jared. You're doing really well. Now, how about we take five?" With that, she walked up to Jared, encircled his waist and gently helped him into the waiting wheelchair that had been kept in close proximity to where they were working. Jared eased into it with a sickening thud and let out a deep breath.

"Tired?" She asked, handing Jared a towel.

"Yeah, I think I've had enough for the day," Jared stated, taking it from her and wiping his face with it. They had been at it for almost an hour and a half and Jared felt as if he was ready to pass out, not only from the strenuous exercises, but also from not having had breakfast that morning. Of course he had told her he had, just to keep her off his back, and he had told Jensen the same thing this morning when he had asked.

[Flashback]

_"What did you have?" Jensen asked, eyeing Jared suspiciously from across the room. Jared could not help but thinking that Jensen seemed to be doing a lot of that lately, standing across the room, away from him, unconsciously distancing himself from Jared and the situation. After all, Jensen hadn't signed up to be taking care of a cripple._

_"Some toast." Jared stated._

_"Is that it? You know you need more than that Jared. Let me make you some eggs and bacon."_

_Jared stopped him from even making a move towards the stove._

_"I told you, I already ate," Jared said, a little too hotly._

_"Then where's the bowl? Where's the spoon?" Jensen challenged, hands folded across his chest._

_"I washed it."_

_"The sink's dry."_

_Jared had enough of Jensen quizzing him like he had the right, like he had any idea what Jared was going through, and he told him so, "Just back off, Jensen! I said I ate! And I don't need for you to be running around after me like I'm your fucking kid; I can take care of myself!"_

_"Can you?" Jensen retorted, only to look at Jared with regret seconds later, "Jared, babe, I'm sorry," Jensen started to say, and made a move towards Jared._

_Jared panicked though, and not wanting Jensen to touch him, he tried to wheel himself backwards and forgot all about the landing with three stairs that had never bothered him in the past. He fell over in the chair and narrowly missed hitting his head on the side of the wall. He heard Jensen shout his name and run over to help him, pulling the heavy chair away from Jared and making an attempt to help him up._

_"Get the fuck off me!" Jared screamed, managing to startle Jensen and himself. Jared had been a silent grump up until that moment, but things had managed to bubble to the surface, and come out in the nastiest way possible._

_"Just don't fucking touch me, alright! I can fucking take care of myself," Jensen had no choice but to stand by silently and watch Jared struggle for almost fifteen minutes to get the chair upright, and his body into it, before finally wheeling himself into their bedroom and closing the door behind him. Jared thought Jensen would have followed and couldn't decide if he was grateful or disappointed when Jensen didn't. When it was time to go to the hospital to see the therapist, Jensen knocked on the door and told Jared that he was going to start the van and that he would meet him outside. Jared heard the pain in his voice when he said it, but he did nothing but sit and listen. They drove in an uncomfortable silence all the way over to the hospital, and when the therapist asked him if he was staying, he declined, saying that he had something else to do for the day. Jared felt bad about what had happened, but not bad enough to beg Jensen to stay, not bad enough to put aside his own feelings, and try to understand a fraction of what Jensen must have been going through._

[/Flashback]

Jared shook all thoughts of Jensen and that morning out of his head just in time to hear the therapist's question.

"So, is Jensen meeting us in here, or should we go outside and wait for him?"

They had not discussed whether or not Jensen would be coming back for Jared, even though most often than not, he did.

"No, I think I'm going to take a van back to my place."

"OK, well let me call ‘Access-A-Ride’ and see how long it'll take them to get here. I'll be back soon," And with that, she walked out of the therapy room, leaving Jared alone with his thoughts. The thing was, though, he didn't have any thoughts or feelings that he wanted the time to think about. If anything, he wanted to keep busy, to keep his mind off of what was happening in his life right at that moment. To keep his mind off the fact that his relationship was once again heading for disaster, to keep his mind off the fact that his life was never going to be the same, and most importantly, to keep his mind off the fact that deep down inside, he actually wished that Patrick's bullet had fatally wounded him, wished that he had died, wished that things had ended differently.

Once again, the therapist's voice broke Jared out of his thoughts.

"Ok honey, they're here. You did extra well today." The sincerity in her voice somehow managed to make Jared feel a little bit better.

"Thanks. I'll see you on Thursday," Jared responded, wheeling past her and down the hall, when suddenly, she called out to him, "Ok, and honey...," Jared turned around in his chair and waited for her response.

"Try and relax. Your muscles are too tense."

Jared didn't respond. Instead, he just gave her his most sincere smile and continued on his way towards the hospital exit.

_______________________________

"So how was your therapy session today?" Matt asked, as he reached over to the side table for his beer.

"It was alright, not much happening," Jared responded, his voice betraying his true feelings about the sessions.

"Oh. Well, it's only been two months Jared, give it time," Matt said, his eyes holding Jared's.

"Time isn't going to help me, Matt. You heard what the doctors had to say. This thing might be permanent."

"Doctors don't know everything."

"I used to think the same thing, but sitting in this damn chair day after day has finally cured me of that thought. I am never getting out of this man, I just know it; I feel it."

"Well, with that attitude, you'll be right. You have to think positive, Jared, you have to think positive."

Jared laughed.

"All the positive thinking in the world isn't going to get me walking again, man. I've tried that. For the past two months, I've been trying to tell myself that things will get better, that it'll improve, but I'm still a fucking cripple, and I'm still in this fucking chair," The bitterness in Jared's voice was unmistakable, and it was no surprise to him to hear the turn that Matt's next words took.

"You know something? If I wasn't feeling sorry for your ass I would have slapped the shit out of you, and hopefully knock some sense into you. This bullshit has got to stop, Jared. What you're doing to yourself is not going to do a damn thing for you except keep you locked in this funk, and in this house. I mean, when was the last time you left this place to go out somewhere besides the therapist or the doctor's office?"

Jared didn't respond to Matt's prodding, nor did he think that he was expected to.

"And what about your friends? If I didn't drag my ass over here and practically break in, I wouldn't have gotten past the bulldog downstairs that you call a security guard. We love you, man. All of us at the record company, and we miss the old Jared, the one that used to fuck around with us all the time, the one that used to make us smile, the one that was true to himself."

"Well, that Jared is as good as dead, Matt, or didn't you hear? He got shot a few months ago by some fuck-up who used to work for him. So it might do you some good to pass on that message to everyone over at the record company, so that they can stop filling my machine with all that emotional bullshit."

Jared expected Matt to continue with his tirade but he didn't. Instead, he reached over and patted Jared's shoulder.

"Time will heal all wounds, Jared. You just have to be willing." And with that, he stood up and leaned into Jared, putting his arms around Jared. He remained stiff though, not wanting to go there with Matt.

"We're having a little CD release party for one of our new artists, and we're all hoping you'll come."

Jared knew that he wasn't up to seeing anyone yet or being social in any way, shape or form, but he also knew Matt could take it to the nth degree, and he didn't need Matt on his back, so Jared lied, and told him that he would seriously think about it.

"Good, and bring Jensen with you. I haven't seen him in a while."

"I'll have to ask him."

"You do that, Jared. And please, keep in touch. OK? We want to know what's happening in your life," Once again, that sincerity was present in Matt's voice.

"Ok, man, I will, but right now I've got to get some rest. I'm real tired from therapy this morning."

It wasn't exactly a lie, for Jared was tired, but he knew he wasn't going to get some sleep anytime soon. He never did after a session.

"OK, man, so I'm going to go, but I'll give you a call later in the week."

"Cool," Jared stated and with that, they bumped fists and Jared led Matt to the door. Just as Matt reached for the knob it swung open, and in walked Jensen with two bags of groceries in each hand. When he saw Matt, he exchanged an exasperated look and the words,

"How's it going, Matt?"

"I'm good, Jensen, how've you been?"

"Ah...I'm OK, been busy, you know."

Matt looked back at Jared on the sly and said, "I know. We miss you working with us. When can we expect you back?"

This time it was Jensen who cast a glance at Jared, something that unnerved Jared no end.

"I don't know. We'll have to wait and see. Jared needs me, you know."

"Yeah, I know."

Jared found himself hating the fact that they could stand there and talk about him like he wasn't even there.

"Well, I should get going. You OK with those bags?"

"Yeah, I'm fine."

"It was nice seeing you, Jensen. Don't be a stranger now," and then turning to Jared, Matt said, "We'll talk later, man."

"OK," Jared responded, and watched as Matt walked out, closing the door behind him. He let out a sigh of relief at his departure, and made his way back over to the living room.

For a few moments, he managed to convince himself that he was alone, but then he heard a loud crash, and turned to see that Jensen had dropped one of the bags on the ground.

"Shit!" Jensen called out, placing the other three on the floor, and quickly taking the contents out of the dropped bag, and placing them to the side. Jared's eyes were on him but he not once turned to look at Jared, and when he finally emptied the bag, he walked over to the garbage, discarded the bag and its broken contents, and walked towards the kitchen sink.

"Did you get my meds?"

After about a minute of virtual silence, Jared was about to speak again, but then Jensen spoke,

"I was busy with the groceries." Even though Jared knew Jensen probably meant nothing by it, he just couldn't resist the urge to get on his case.

"You were busy with the groceries?! And I'm sure that there was no possible way for you to stop by the pharmacy and pick up my meds. What's the fucking point of you being here, Jensen?"

Jensen stopped what he was doing and looked up at Jared, eyes wide.

"I guess my main purpose here is to be your maid now, isn't it? That's all I seem to be doing around here lately. I cook, I clean, I shop, I get your meds. I make sure everything works out for you. YOU! It's all about you, Jared, always. I'm sorry about what happened with Patrick, and I'm sorry that it's you and not me in that chair, but I don't know what you expect me to do. What do you want from me?"

Jensen took a deep breath and let it out, and in a more subdued tone he said, "I want to help you, baby, but I don't know how, and you won't tell me how."

It was as if months of frustration that had been building up, had finally spilled over. His shoulders shook and he held his head down, a surefire sign that he was crying. Jared wanted to go over to him, and hold him, tell Jensen that he loved him, that he didn't want things to continue the way they were, but he couldn't. He didn't know how. Instead, Jared held his head down, like the coward he was, and let Jensen cry for himself, for Jared, and most importantly, for them.

_______________________________

Jensen finally decided that he had enough of pretending that things were fine, that everything was going to be OK, for he knew everything was not going to be OK, everything was not going to be fine, and they were not going to be fine. Since Jared had left the hospital two months ago, it was like he had retreated into his shell, shutting everything and everyone out. Half the time Jensen couldn't tell what Jared was thinking, what he was feeling, what he wanted or most importantly what he needed from him. When Jensen tried to make that leap of faith, he only managed to make things more awkward and strained between them. It came to a point where Jensen was afraid to even touch Jared, for fear Jared would go off on him. Intimacy was a thing of the past and Jensen had no way around it. Jensen had to admit that he missed the sex, but that was only a small part of it for him. The sex was a bonus. He could have survived on just the closeness he had felt whenever Jared held him, or sang to him, whenever Jared touched him or just looked at him with warmth in his eyes. But now, all that was a thing of the past. Since coming home two months ago, Jensen felt more like the hired help, rather than Jared's partner. Jared looked to him for material things, rather than meaningful guidance and comfort, and it hurt more than words could describe.

_"I guess my main purpose is to be your maid, now isn't it? That's all I seem to do around here lately. I cook, I clean, I shop, I get your meds. I make sure everything works out for you. YOU! It's all about you, Jared, always. I'm sorry about what happened with Patrick, and I'm sorry that it's you, and not me, in that chair, but I don't know what you expect me to do. What do you want from me? I want to help you, baby, but I don't know how, and you won't tell me how."_

That was when Jensen had finally broken down and told Jared, expecting at the least, a reaction from him, but all he got in return was stone-cold silence. Jared just sat in his chair and looked at Jensen as if he was some stranger, rather than the man that had been there with him through thick and thin. That realization had Jensen standing by the sink, slowly losing it. Jensen waited for Jared to respond, hoping for a sign, a touch, anything that would let him know Jared cared, but none came. Jensen walked over to where he had left the bags, and reached into one, pulling out a bag which contained the medication. He walked over to where Jared sat, and when their eyes finally met, Jensen threw the bag down into Jared's lap and walked past him into the bedroom. It must have been half an hour later, when Jensen heard the quiet rolling of his wheelchair as Jared entered the bedroom. Jensen pretended to be sleeping as Jared slowly made his way to the unoccupied side of the bed, and then pushed into the mattress, hoisting himself out of the chair and into the bed. The groans that he emitted were the tell-tale signs of how difficult it was for him. By the time he was flat on his back, his breathing was heavy and exaggerated. Jensen wanted to reach across Jared's chest and hold him, letting him know that he was there for him, but he didn't. Instead, he continued to feign sleep. It seemed that only a few minutes of virtual silence passed before something amazing and unexpected happened. Jared reached over and touched Jensen's waist. At first Jensen stiffened at his touch, but then familiarity took over, and he relaxed into the beginning of Jared's embrace.

"I miss you, babe," was Jared's whispered response, as he pulled Jensen into him, forcing Jensen to turn towards him, holding him close so that they were face to face.

"I miss you, too," Jensen whispered back, entwining his hand in Jared's, and then leaning over to kiss the side of Jared's lips. Jared seemed to not mind the closeness as he used his arms to pull Jensen on top of him, and latched his lips onto Jensen's. His kisses were hungry and they should have been. After all, it had been almost two months since they had had any form of intimacy. Jensen felt himself growing hard against Jared, and wondered if Jared could feel it too, not that that was of any concern to him. Whether or not they ended up making love was not important. Having Jared holding him, crushing his lips against his, forcing them to reconnect, that was what mattered, and it was all Jensen cared about at that moment. Jensen was hoping that the moment would go on forever, but he knew that, eventually, they would both have to come up for air. He lifted off Jared slightly, and looked into his eyes, and he couldn't help but mist a little. He missed Jared so damn much.

"I'm so sorry, Jensen," Jared stated, using his thumb to wipe the tears that had begun to form in Jensen's eyes, "I know I've been an asshole, babe, and I know I've apologized a million times, and I know you're fed up with me, but I'm lost without you, baby. I can't handle this, I just can't. If it weren't for you, I'd want to be dead."

"Oh, Jared, don't say that," Jensen whispered back, "Don't say that."

"But, it's true. I don't know how to live like this, I just can't. I'm a cripple, Jensen. I can't do anything. I'm no fucking use to anybody, especially you. I can't even fucking get it up, and I probably never will again. You don't need this, baby, you don't need me."

The very idea that Jared thought that any of that would matter to him, forced Jensen to do something that he hadn't done in a long time; it forced Jensen to take charge.

"Just stop it, Jared! Just fucking stop it! I don't care! I don't care if you're in a wheelchair, I don't care if you can't get an erection, and I don't care if we never make love again! I love you, and that's all that matters. I'm not going to leave you for anything. You got that? I will be here as long as time, and God willing nothing is going to change the way I feel about you."

It was the truth and Jensen prayed to God that it was getting through to Jared. He looked into Jared's eyes and was surprised to see that tears filled them, and, as if on cue, the dam burst, and Jared let loose a strangled sob that shook his chest. For the next ten minutes, Jared cried in the crook of Jensen's arm like a baby, and didn't stop until sleep took him. While his gentle snores filled the room, Jensen leaned over, kissed his forehead, and prayed that he would have pleasant dreams.


	34. Chapter 34

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> AU / Everybody has a dream. Some people make their dreams come true. Some just let their life slip by thinking about it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> None of this would be possible and readable without my awesome beta,[](http://bigj52.livejournal.com/profile)[bigj52](http://bigj52.livejournal.com/) . I learn from you everyday.

They say that you don’t really get to see what somebody is really like until you've actually lived with them. That was exactly Chris was going through. Living with Misha was more or less smooth sailing, but they had one major issue: Personal space. Although Misha’s apartment was big enough, they were still stepping over each other, and not in the way they had hoped for. It had started as a few minor irritations, like the way Misha would pick up after Chris. Chris would drop a towel on top of the hamper, and two seconds later Misha would be right behind him throwing it in. It steadily got worse, to the point where Misha was actually color coding and categorizing Chris’s clothes.

"How you find anything is beyond me," was Misha’s only comment.

After living like that for two months, Chris was slowly reaching boiling point, and he decided to call Misha on it as he watched him meticulously scrub a glass that Chris had just washed moments earlier.

"Are my dishwashing skills not good enough for you?" Chris threw out, hoping that he would reel in a satisfactory answer. Misha looked up from what he was doing and flashed Chris a strained smile.

"Of course not, Chris. It's just that I noticed that there was no soap on the sponge when you washed the glass, and you weren't exactly drinking water. You know I can't stand the smell of stale beer, and if you don't wash the glasses thoroughly, the smell will always be there."

Chris laughed at Misha’s precise explanation, right down to the last detail.

"You're so fucking uptight, Misha. Relax, man. So what if a glass smells like beer? We'll get a new one. And another thing, what's up with you ironing all my shirts?"

"I just thought you'd prefer them crisp, rather than crushed. It sure looks better when you're neat, sexier, too," Misha added, sending Chris a wink. To Chris, Misha seemed to be getting more aggressive in their relationship, making bolder moves on him in private, and a lot more in public. It was not that Chris had not enjoyed it, but it wasn't Misha. It was as if their roles in the relationship were changed. Chris seemed to be settling into the partner role, being more considerate of what time he came home, calling just to say, 'I love you', when the mood struck him, and making an attempt to be romantic by cooking without burning down the house. But, for every Misha-like thing that Chris did, Misha countered them with a Chris moment. It started with the public fondling, but then escalated to things like Misha wanting to take over Chris by controlling what Chris wore and what he ate. To Chris, the glass issue was just another prime example of how Misha had changed within those few months they had moved in together.

"Misha, not to be a jerk or anything but I like the way I look in my crushed shirts and I like my socks all mixed up and I like drinking beer from a glass and having the smell linger."

What Chris said, for a moment, seemed to bring forth no response from Misha, but then he spoke, "Fine. If you want to dress like a wilted vegetable, go ahead. I was just trying to help. Since we're not trying to be jerks, or anything, I want to let you know that I'd appreciate it if you'd cap the toothpaste when you're finished with it, put away your shoes when you get in, and not put a glass down on the furniture without a coaster," Misha’s voiced sounded strained as if he was holding back.

"I'm a grown man, Misha, and I don't need you to be acting like my mother. If I want to leave my fucking clothes around, and my shoes out, then I can."

"Well, not in my house, you can't. I pay the mortgage here, and I think I at least deserve some level of respect from you, Chris. I will put up with a lot of shit from you, but not this blatant disrespect of my home, which I have been more than generous in opening up to you," At the end of his little tirade Misha let out a deep breath, and his eyes refused to meet Chris’s.

"Is that how you really feel now?" Chris questioned, “That I'm some sort of leech? That I'm here to use you? And another thing, I thought this was our home. I was under the distinct impression when I moved in here, that we were going to be in this as equal partners. As I remembered, you told me not to worry about the mortgage until I could find a steady job,-"

"Which you haven't," Misha piped in. It was as if something in Chris finally snapped. He had had enough. He got up from his chair and walked away from Misha into his bedroom. Chris flung open the closets with so much ferocity that the door almost came off its hinges, and pulled a suitcase down from the top shelf. He began throwing clothes into it, without much thought, and as it filled up quickly, his thoughts reverted to the next issue. Where would he go?

"What are you doing?" Misha’s voice broke Chris out of his thoughts for a moment, and he turned to face Misha. Misha leaned against the door, and his eyes darted back and forth between Chris and the suitcase on the bed.

"What the fuck does it look like I'm doing?" Chris spat, not caring if he was the cause of the hurt expression that adorned Misha’s face.

"Come on, Chris, I'm sorry. I didn't mean all the things that I said in there. It's just that this has been hard on me, too. I'm not used to all of this, especially from you," Misha’s voice sounded somber, and for a split second, Chris was tempted to throw himself into Misha’s arms, but he didn't.

"It's not gonna work out, Misha. I can see it your eyes, and I can hear it in your voice."

"It was just a stupid argument, Chris. It meant nothing."

Chris sighed, "Just because this is the first time we've argued about this, it doesn't mean that it hasn't been a problem. This has been brewing below the surface for a damn long time. The glass was just the thing that finally brought it to the surface."

"So you're just gonna leave? Walk away from everything we've spent months building up? Don't you love me, Chris?"

Chris ran his hand through his hair, and turned away from Misha, "Love is not enough, Misha. We're just way too different. I like to be messy, you like to be neat. I like beer, you like water. There's just not enough holding us together."

"Well, I'll change," Misha finally said. The desperation in his voice was clear as day, and Chris was afraid to turn around to face him, for fear that he would falter in his decision to leave.

"Just stop it, Misha. You don't need to change. OK? I don't either. We're just not compatible," And with that, Chris closed his suitcase, picked it up, and walked past Misha to the front door. He stopped and turned around at the sound of Misha’s voice.

"I don't care, Chris! Please, I'm sorry I said the things I said. I'm sorry I am the way I am. I tried to change, I really did, but it's like everything I try to do to get you to love me backfires. I thought, maybe if I tried to be more like your type, I could make you stay."

Misha’s last statement caught Chris attention, big time. "Is that where all this aggression is coming from?”

"Well, uh, yeah. Isn't that what you wanted? Isn't that who you wanted me to be?"

"No. No! If that was what I wanted, Misha, I would have gone out and found it. I never wanted you to change. How could you even think that?"

Misha didn't answer immediately, but instead cast his eyes downward.

"I chose you, Misha,-" Chris started and stopped as Misha intervened.

"Then, if I'm such a good choice, why are you leaving me? I obviously did something wrong if you'd rather walk out than work it out," Misha said in a hushed whisper that sent chills down Chris’s spine.

"It's not you, Misha. It's just that I think we need some space away from each other. We're falling apart at the seams here."

"And you think leaving will help the situation any? You think that's the answer to everything," and in a more somber tone he added, "You think walking away will solve anything? Please, Chris, don't do this to us. Please, I'm begging you."

Against his better judgment, Chris walked over to Misha, and allowed Misha to throw himself into his outstretched arms. Misha held on to Chris as if his life depended on it, and once again begged Chris not to go.

"Something has to change, Misha. We can't keep living like this."

"I know," he whispered, "I know."

"I don't want to break up."

They had come too far to turn back now and Chris had invested so much emotion into them, that to turn back now, without a fight, would have been a travesty.

"Neither do I, but I don't know how to change things, how to make them better."

"We need help," Chris stated, plainly. They needed outside help, and Chris found that he wasn't ashamed to admit that they couldn't do it on their own.

"We can see a therapist over at the hospital."

"Fine," Chris whispered, leaning into Misha even more, and kissing the top of his forehead. Relief was running through Chris at that very moment, for even though he was more than prepared to walk out, he was more than happy that Misha had asked him to stay, giving them a chance to get the help they so desperately needed. Just holding Misha in his arms, cradling him like a baby, it made Chris realize how much Misha had come to mean to him, and how much the thought of losing Misha sent an unnerving pain to his chest.

"Promise me you won't leave me tonight, please, Chris, promise," Misha looked up at Chris and awaited a response.

"I promise," were Chris’s only words before he lifted Misha’s lips to his and kissed him with all the passion he possessed, knowing that that would get the message across clearer than any words ever could.

_______________________________

Jensen watched from his spot in the corner as Jared took his first steps unaided, and like a proud father, he couldn't contain the tears that he felt falling from his eyes. They had been waiting for that moment, and Jared had been working towards it, for over a year and finally, there was something to show for it. It was just a few steps but to Jensen, it was a few steps towards the road to recovery and towards their newfound life, together. When Jared saw Jensen watching him, he sent a small smile his way, along with a wink. Jensen smiled back and mouthed the words `love you' just as the therapist turned around to face him.

"Enough cooing you guys. Jared, you're doing great but you better pay attention to what you're doing rather than sending kisses over to Casanova there."

Jared looked down at her innocently, as if he had no idea what she was talking about.

"What?" Jared asked, "I'm not doing a damn thing." He could have almost gotten away with it, too, except for that smirk that seemed to have permanently pasted itself onto his handsome face.

"Uh-huh. Just keep moving," she chanted, looking over at Jensen and shaking her head, a smile plaguing the corners of her mouth.

Jensen watched as Jared took two more steps before grabbing onto the bar for support and letting out an exasperated breath. The therapist walked over to where he stood and held his waist.

"You OK, Jared?" she asked.

"Yeah, just seemed to lose feeling in my legs all of a sudden. I think I need a break."

"OK, let me get your chair," And while she walked over to retrieve it from its place in the corner, Jensen walked over to Jared.

"I can't believe it," Jared said, just before leaning slightly forward and kissing Jensen on the lips. Jensen could not help but get lost in the moment and kiss him back. When they pulled apart, Jared began to tell Jensen and the therapist how he was feeling.

"I can't even put into words how I feel right now. I never thought that I'd be able to come this far."

"Didn't I tell you all those tedious exercises would pay off, Jared? All of the time you've spent working out, sweating, dealing with the discomfort, the pain, didn't I tell you it would be worth it someday?"

Jared looked at his therapist as he eased into the chair and smiled.

"I didn't think that it would feel like this...I mean I knew that you said there was a chance, but wow...I never expected this. I feel like I'm ready to just can this contraption and walk out of here on my own, you know."

"Yeah, I know Jared," she started, "but remember, this is just a first step. We still have a long way to go but that attitude of yours is going to make it easier to get there. You should be proud of yourself, Jared."

With that, she leaned over Jared and kissed his cheek.

"Well, I've got another patient so I've got to fly; I'll see you on Thursday. OK?"

"Ok," Jared replied. Jensen watched as she walked over to Jared and whispered something in his ear. They both then turned to look at Jensen. She then walked out, that grin still in place.

When Jensen was sure she was out of earshot, he asked Jared about it. "What was that all about?"

"Nothing. Nothing at all."

"So you're not going to tell me," Jensen prodded.

"There's nothing to tell, babe."

By the look on Jared’s face, Jensen knew that he was lying. He could also tell from that look that Jared was playing him, trying to get some sort of reaction out of him, but Jensen was not going to make it easy for him.

"Fine. Well, I guess I won't tell you the good news I got today,” The pout that instantly appeared on Jared’s face told Jensen that Jared was on to him.

"So, it's gonna be like that?" Jared asked in mock anger, “You are not gonna let me in on your little piece of news."

"Nope. Inside news."

"That's cold, Jensen, real cold," With that Jared tried his best to look as hurt as possible.

"Don't even try it, Jared. I'm not falling for that pathetic victim bit. You've gotta give to get, so give me a little and you'll get a little," Jared seemed to take a long time to think it over and finally came back with an answer.

"All right. Alright, you got me. But if you wanna know what's up, you have to close your eyes."

"Why?" Jensen questioned.

"Because you won't appreciate this with your eyes opened, OK?"

"OK," Jensen conceded and closed his eyes. He felt Jared take his wrist and ever so slowly lead it to his chest.

"Big surprise," Jensen stated sarcastically. Of course Jared’s chest had gotten bigger but Jensen had known that, he had felt that happening over the past several months.

"Just wait," was Jared’s reply, and with that, he drew Jensen’s hand along his clothed chest, down to his abs and then into his lap, where Jensen felt something that he found hard to believe.

"Oh my God," Jensen whispered, slowly opening his eyes and looking at what his hand had already grasped, "When?" Jensen started, as Jared pulled him into his lap and onto his budding erection.

"It's been happening infrequently for the past couple of days. It comes and goes but today is the first time it's been like this. The therapist thinks it probably came back with the feeling in my legs," Jared then took a deep breath and in a deeper, sexier tone of voice he said, "Feels good, doesn't it, baby?"

If Jensen thought they could get away with doing it right there in the therapy room, he would have suggested it. But they both knew that soon the therapist would be back, patient in tow.

"Yeah, it does. I can't wait to get you home," Jensen whispered huskily, leaning into Jared more and kissing him with all that he had.

"I love you," Jared whispered, taking Jensen’s hand in his and squeezing it. When Jensen looked into his eyes, the intensity of the desire and love that he saw gave Jensen a warm feeling inside, and it reminded Jensen of their first few blissful weeks together.

"I love you, too," Jensen whispered back, barely able to keep his emotions in check. It was what they had spent months working towards: That peaceful equilibrium. As Jensen stood up and looked down at Jared looking up at him, a smile plastered over his face, Jensen couldn't help but thank God for giving him the strength it took to stand by Jared.

"How fast do you think we can make it home?" Jared asked with a hint of mischief etched into his voice. Jensen picked up on it immediately and grabbed the back of his chair and wheeled it out of the room as fast as he could, not wanting to waste another minute in that place, not when they had more pressing matters to handle. All thoughts of what they had bargained for fled from Jensen’s head.


	35. Chapter 35

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> AU / Everybody has a dream. Some people make their dreams come true. Some just let their life slip by thinking about it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> None of this would be possible and readable without my awesome beta,[](http://bigj52.livejournal.com/profile)[bigj52](http://bigj52.livejournal.com/) . I learn from you everyday.

Of course, it had not been perfect; it had not even been slow, or even sensual. Instead, it had been the quick relief that they both needed. It served also as a testament to Jared’s sudden virility, as he had not yet gone soft, and it had been at least half an hour since he had cum.

"I think it's a good sign," Jensen stated, leaning over and rubbing his hand over Jared’s jaw, feeling the hair that had just started to grow there.

"You think?"

"Yeah. I mean, for months there was nothing, and now, wow...I still can't believe it. I can't believe a lot of things. I'm so damn proud of you, Jared, so damn proud," With that, Jensen laid his head on Jared’s chest. Jared reached up and combed his fingers through Jensen’s hair. As he had been doing for the past few months, he took notice of the little things. Jensen’s hair seemed to shine more in the moonlight. The dampness that had occurred from their session seemed to have accumulated at the base of Jensen’s hairline, giving it a sheen which reflected the moonlight. For some reason, Jared found that incredible sexy. He shook all thoughts of sex out of his head though, as he knew Jensen was sore and would likely not be up to it.

"So...how is Chris?" Jared asked out of the blue. Jensen turned his head slightly and looked up at Jared.

"He's fine. He's back, you know," he stated.

"Here?"

"Yup. Moved in with Misha," The mention of another person piqued Jared’s interest.

"Who?"

"You remember that guy you met when I was staying with Chris? The doctor that treated him? They moved in together. It's been a year, I think."

"No shit," Jared responded. That came as a shock to him as Chris didn't strike him as the domestic type.

"Yeah, I'm happy for him," And as an afterthought, Jensen added, "He asked about you. Wanted to know how you were doing, how we were."

Despite all the bad experiences Jared had had with Chris in the past, he was glad that Chris was able to be there for Jensen when he wasn't.

"So," Jared started, changing the subject, "I want your opinion on something," he said, looking down at Jensen.

"Anything," Jensen replied.

"Well, I'm thinking...I mean I've decided that I want to do a press conference to kind of update my condition to the public. And maybe answer a question or two," Jared paused a second or two, just to let it sink in before he continued with, "What do you think?"

Jensen pulled himself into an upright position.

"You're serious? You really want to face them?" he asked incredulously.

"Yeah. I mean, while there were some assholes, there were also the fans that were rooting for me. I want to have a chance to say thank you. You know?"

"Yeah, that would be good. I can give Matt a call and have him set it up," Jensen paused, and then continued with, "Are you sure you're up to this?" The tentativeness was present in his voice and it made Jared take Jensen’s hand in his.

"Yeah, it's time."

It was. It had been over a year since the shooting and Jared had tried to stay out of sight as much as possible, refusing to give interviews and limiting his contacts to just his doctors, therapists, Jensen and on occasion, Matt. He had become a virtual hermit, and finally, he wanted out of his shell. Being an introvert wasn't part of his nature and he felt the time had come to redeem himself; to take his life back.

"Well, if you're sure. I'm happy that you want to do this, Jared," And with that, Jensen once again placed his head on Jared’s chest. Jared knew the past few months had been especially hard on Jared. With his mood swings it couldn't have been a picnic for Jensen to stand by him, but he did, and finally, Jensen was going to be there to share the road to recovery with Jared. Jared couldn’t have asked for anything more than that, and as he watched Jensen drift into blissful sleep, Jared couldn't help but smile.

_______________________________

The crowd was there. Jared could sense it before he could see it, and for the first time in his life it terrified him. Even more than when he came out. The small conference room was packed with reporters from every news station possible, some of the more popular ones: ABC, CBS, MTV, VH1 and even a few of the newer ones, and all the publicity was making Jared nervous beyond belief. He was planning on walking onto the stage with the aid of crutches and of course, Jensen and Matt, but the truth of the matter was that his knees were so wobbly and weak, he was afraid to even stand up, so he stayed firmly planted in his chair. Jensen was trying his best to keep Jared calm, but it wasn't helping and Jared told him so.

"I can't calm down, Jensen, so just stop with the speech, please! I've heard it from Matt already."

Jensen looked down at Jared and threw his hands in the air, "Fine, but you can't go out there in this condition. You're sweating and you're looking a bit pale, Jared.”

"I just need some time alone. Is that too much to ask?" Jared responded, not bothering to look up at Jensen.

"Fine, fine, but you have five minutes before you go out there. Please, baby, just take a deep breath. It's going to be fine," With that, Jensen leaned down and kissed Jared’s cheek. As he made an attempt to pull away, Jared gently reached up and placed his arms around Jensen’s neck, and held him in that awkward position. He repositioned his face and brought his lips to Jensen’s. Just having Jensen so close to him, in such a passionate embrace managed to calm Jared down a little. They pulled apart and Jared saw that Jensen was smiling down at him.

"Feel better?" Jensen asked, smiling down at Jared.

"Yeah, a little," Jared acknowledged, "Sorry about being a bitch earlier. I'm just so fucking nervous. For all I know, there could be another Patrick out there, waiting to take me out," And in a more somber tone Jared continued with, "I don't wanna die."

"Oh Jared," Jensen started, reaching down and taking Jared’s hands in his, "Everyone here has been checked out twice by security. Matt made sure of that and the bodyguards will be there so you have nothing to worry about. I'll even be there to hold your hand," And with that, Jensen put Jared’s hand to his lips.

"I know. I just can't help but worry, you know. I don't know how they'll react. Supposed they want to know about what happened?" Jared sighed and took another deep breath.

"Well, you answer it. If you get uncomfortable, then signal me or Matt and we'll make sure it stops, but you can't hide it forever, baby. There are going to be questions about it. That's what this press thing is all about. Letting them know about your condition; but, it's your call how far you want to take it."

Jared had to admit he was glad to hear that.

"You guys ready in here? They're getting antsy out there."

They both turned at the same time to see Matt standing in the doorway, peering at them.

"Yeah, just give us a minute,-" Jensen started, only for Jared to decline the offer, "We're coming man. I just want to get this over and done with."

Jensen looked at him quizzically and then shook his head. He then stood up and walked behind Jared, grabbing the handle of the chair and slowly pushing Jared towards the door. Just as they reached it, Jared spoke up, "No matter what goes on out there, I want you to know that I love you for standing by me. It means a lot to me, babe. More than words can describe."

Jared didn't look at Jensen when he said it, but he could practically picture Jensen’s expression. He felt Jensen’s lips connect with the back of his neck.

"I know, Jared, I know. I love you, too," And with that, he continued to push Jared forward, towards the door.

As soon as Jared hit the stage, lights started flashing and the noise level went up a decibel or two. Suddenly Jared felt himself begin to fall back into his old routine. It was as if it was just another press conference. The questions started to come fast and furious, but Jensen took control before things had a chance to get out of hand.

"I'd like to take the time to thank all of you for coming out here today for this press conference. I know it came on short notice, and I do apologize. Respectfully, I'll have to ask that you all hold your questions until Jared has finished speaking, thank you."

Silence instantly fell over the crowd and all eyes begun to focus on Jared. That left him no other choice but to begin speaking,

"Thank you for taking the time out to come here. I know that for the past year, I've been absent from the media. I've had to be absent because of injuries I sustained in a shooting a year ago. I survived, though, and I am recovering," Jared paused a moment to catch his breath, and for a moment he seized up, but Jensen, sensing things, reached over and squeezed his hand. Jared looked over at Jensen and smiled, and just by his response, a returned smile, Jared was able to find the strength to continue.

"It was a hard time for me. I went through a period where I wanted to...I wanted to die. I was paralyzed from the waist down. I was told by my doctors that I probably shouldn't hold out hope for ever walking again. I was told that I would probably be in a wheelchair for the rest of my life and I was pretty resigned to that fact. For months after I refused to work with my therapist and my doctors. I didn't think any number of exercises or regimens would make a difference. Most importantly, I turned away from the people that cared about me the most," Jared looked at Jensen when he said that, and then lifted his hand to his lips, and kissed it to the amusement of the photographers who started snapping away.

"But I wised up quickly. I decided that I would rather give myself a chance, and fail, than not try at all. It's been a rocky road for me, and for those that stood beside me, but it's been a road worth taking. For, as of three days ago, I was able to take my first steps, unaided."

Looking over the crowd, trying to read the expressions on their faces, Jared found in that instant he didn't care if they accepted him or not. Their opinion of him didn't matter anymore.

"I'm not looking for acceptance here. I'm not looking for pity either. I just want to have you and the general public respect my life and whoever chooses to be in it. You don't have to accept me. In fact, I don't care if you accept me or not. All I ask is that you show me some respect. That's all I came here to say, thank you," As soon as the last few words were out of his mouth, the room erupted in a mass of questions and once again, Jensen took the initiative to play delegate.

"One at a time, please. Ma'am, in the second row," he called out.

"Thank you. Jared, I know that you have been through a tragic time, and from all of us at NBC, we wish you all the best on your recovery. My question is this, can you elaborate on what led up to your shooting by Patrick Morrison?"

Jensen quickly stepped in before Jared could answer, "Jared will not be able to..."

"No, Jensen, it's OK, I can answer it," What was done was done, and there was no point in hiding the facts. It was time for the truth.

"As many of you may have known, Mr. Morrison worked with me for a period of two years as a publicist, and briefly, as my manager. Our professional relationship did not end amicably, and Mr. Morrison, unhappy with what he had been paid, started to blackmail me. I paid him a set sum of money and when I refused to pay him anymore, he threatened to reveal my sexual orientation to the press. When I came out, his plan was thwarted, and Mr. Morrison resorted to violent means. As you already know he was killed by law enforcement officers, trying to escape, after shooting me."

Jared thought that having to recount the details would have made him uncomfortable, but that wasn't the case. If anything, he felt liberated. The questions kept coming, though, and he answered each and every one of them to the best of his ability. A few times, Jared caught Jensen holding his breath as he was asked a question about his homosexuality, but after a while, he tried his best to look prepared. But then again, that could have been Jared’s hand resting on his knee, wordlessly reassuring Jensen that they couldn't faze him. After an hour Jared announced that he had had enough questions for the day, and he thanked them for coming. Most begged for a posed picture with the press conference crew, some with Matt and Jared, and some with Jensen and Jared. Jared obliged them all. It was a good forty five minutes later before he was able to leave the building and head home.

"So...I thought it went well," Jensen stated, looking over at Jared as they drove home.

"Yeah, it was good. I'm just glad to be out there again, you know. I guess I just miss the spotlight a little bit,"

It had been well over a year since he had performed his last concert in front of screaming fans. He had remembered that night like it happened yesterday, and the thought alone brought tears to his eyes. Jensen noticed. He reached over and caressed Jared’s knee.

"Its OK, baby, it's alright. Do you want to talk about it?"

Jared placed his hand over Jensen’s and squeezed it. He found himself wanting to tell Jensen all about what he was feeling, but he couldn't. They had made so much progress over the course of their relationship, but things weren't yet where they needed to be. Jared wasn't as emotionally connected as he needed to be, and he found it easier to just keep things in his head rather than letting Jensen see him at his weakest.

"No, I'm cool. It's just these damn allergies," Jared stated, wiping his eyes quickly, turning his face away from Jensen, choosing instead, to stare out the window. Jensen didn't question Jared again but he was aware that something was amiss. As they pulled into the underground garage, Jared couldn't help but shiver as the spot where he had been shot came into view. The surface was scrubbed clean from top to bottom and no evidence that a crime had been committed here could be found, but in his mind, Jared could still see Patrick standing there; waiting for him; shooting him; blood everywhere and it made Jared shiver.

"We should get you inside, babe. You're shaking," Jensen said as he came around to the passenger side of the car and opened the door.

"Maybe when we get upstairs, we can light the fire and have some hot chocolate..." and even though Jared saw Jensen’s mouth moving, he found that his words were drowned out by the thoughts floating around in his head.

_______________________________

Jensen sat across from Jensen, his hands firmly clasped around his mug, and while his eyes were trained on Jared, Jared could tell that his mind was not.

"Babe, you OK?" Jared asked, feeling the urge to go over and sit beside him, hold Jensen in his arms, make that vacant look disappear.

Jared looked up at him and flashed a strained smile, "Huh. Yeah...I'm fine, I'm OK. How are you though? Are you hungry, tired?" His voice held so much emotion despite its’ monotone, and Jared knew he had to be the one who was tired. Since Jared had been laid up in the hospital, having surgery after surgery, therapy after therapy, Jensen had been there, right beside him, never selfish, always thinking about Jared and never himself. Even though it came as no surprise to Jared that Jensen would have been so selfless, the reality of being at the receiving end of such devotion still managed to surprise him. It made Jared question whether he would have been so strong if the situation had been reversed.

"I'm fine. I just got a lot on my mind and...and, I just want to say how much I love you, babe. You've been great, and even though I always don't show it, I mean it," Jared’s words were impulsive, but that didn't stop them from being true. The whole fiasco was just the thing to prove how deep his feelings ran. He watched as Jensen’s eyes misted up, and tears began to spill down his cheeks. He got up from his spot on the couch and walked over to Jared.

"Oh, Jared, I'm so glad you feel that way. I know this has been so hard on you and that...I know how much you've gone through and I'm glad that you still want me here to help you through it," And with that, he leaned into Jared and planted his lips on Jared’s, in a gesture that spilled over with love. They stayed connected like that for what seemed like forever before Jared had to come up for air.

"God, I'm so hot," Jared exclaimed, nipping Jensen’s ear, while at the same time caressing his back under his shirt. Jared used his hands to pull Jensen down, having his weight rest fully on him, something he began to protest at once.

"Babe, I'm too heavy,-" Jensen started, but was cut short of saying anything else by Jared’s lips once again crushing his. That was all it took to get his full co-operation. Pretty soon, heavy petting just wasn't enough and Jared started to remove Jensen’s shirt.

"You're...sure...you're...uh...up to...um...it?" Jensen whispered heavily, trying his best to speed the process up by unbuttoning the hook on Jared’s pants, while simultaneously removing his sweater top.

"Fuck, yes," Jared whispered back, his hands beginning to wander south. At that moment, Jensen became more attractive to Jared than he had been at any other point in their relationship. Jared would have done anything just to be able to make love to him right there and then.

Only a moment passed before they both were naked and began the slow, soul-enticing process of making love. That moment held so much meaning for Jared, as it was not only the first time they made love without a condom, but it was the first time that he could remember them ever being so connected, so in sync, so in tune with Jensen. As Jensen slowly rode Jared, he couldn't help but forego closing his eyes, watching every emotion flicker over Jensen’s face. He watched Jensen bite his lips in ecstasy and then release his tongue, rubbing it along them to soothe the bruises he had inflicted. Jared watched Jensen’s mouth open, panting with joy as he gripped Jared’s shoulder hard, forcing himself to stay steady. Jared watched as the sweat formed in beads on Jensen’s forehead, taking their time, falling down his face. And most satisfyingly, Jared watched as Jensen’s eyes opened and met his, the reflection of love in them, and the lurch that Jared felt deep in the pit of his stomach that represented the returned love he felt towards Jensen, and towards them. As Jared came deep inside Jensen, his arms wrapped tightly around Jensen’s waist, his face resting squarely on Jared’s shoulder, he couldn't help but think,

_This is the man I want to spend the rest of my life with._

And there was no if or buts about it.

To Jensen it seemed like forever before they uncoupled and he eased his body of off Jared’s. Jensen felt a recognizable emptiness inside and he couldn't help but groan.

"You OK, baby?" Jared asked. His voice was husky and his eyes trained on Jensen, as he began to pull up his underwear.

"Yeah, couldn't be better," Jensen responded, barely able to get his words out before having to take a deep, settling breath. It was, without a doubt, one of the most fulfilling experiences, both sexually and emotionally that they had shared. Jensen knew that held so much more meaning for him than the obvious. For a while things were quiet, and then Jared said something that Jensen had never expected him to say in a million years.

"Jensen, marry me."

It was not an offer, or a proposal, but rather, it was a request that left no room for ifs or buts. Jensen was shocked, to say the least, and by the look on Jared’s face, Jensen knew that it was something that Jared had deep convictions about.

"What? Jared, are you serious?" Jensen questioned, watching his face for signs of a smile that would indicate that this was a very misplaced joke or something along those lines.

"Of course I'm serious. It has crossed my mind before, but tonight, tonight just sealed it for me. I want to be with you for as long as I can."

Jensen was almost tempted to laugh at that, as that was so uncharacteristic of Jared. Marriage was something Jensen had never expected from a woman, much less from a man, and when he and Jared had become an item, Jensen had expected them to be a monogamous couple, but to Jensen, monogamy in no way, shape, or form meant marriage. Having not been prepared to hear it, Jensen didn't know what to say. Jared’s hand reached up, and caressed Jensen’s cheek in a tender way that made him tingle.

"Don't answer me now, Jensen. Just take your time, and think about it. I know it's a big step to take and with all that's happened, it might be something you want to think about."

But to Jensen there was nothing to think about. He loved Jared, and he loved him unconditionally. Despite his slow recovery, despite him having to walk with a cane, despite his public lifestyle, Jensen knew he was willing to go all the way with him. Jensen would go to the ends of the earth to be with him, and Jensen had the funny suspicion that Jared would have done the same for him, too.

Jensen took both his hands, and brought them to his lips, kissing each hand separately and then together.

"I love you, Jared, and I want to marry you. I don't need to think about anything,"

The smile that graced Jared’s face dispelled any doubts that Jensen may have had about it having been a rushed decision.

"Wow, wow. I...uh...wow. You're serious babe? No regrets? No turning back?" For the first time in Jensen’s life, Jared seemed unsure of himself. Jensen leaned into him and brought his lips to Jared’s in a passionate embrace. He needed Jared to know how important this was to him.

"Babe, I would never, ever regret something like this. We're meant to be together now and forever. I love you so much, Jared, so damn much, and I'm gonna be the best damn husband in the world."

"I know you will, babe," Jared whispered, his hands once again wondering down south and cupping Jensen’s sore ass, "Does it still hurt?" He asked.

It did, but Jensen didn't care. He wanted to feel Jared inside, but Jared could read Jensen like a book, and knew that while emotionally Jensen was ready, physically, he needed to rest. He took one look at the grimace on Jensen’s face and gently helped Jensen off him and into the space beside him.

"Rest, babe, tomorrow's another day, and we have a lot of things to talk about. Plus, I have my appointment with the therapist at ten, and a release party to go to at nine-thirty."

Jensen looked at him incredulously, "You're really going to that? I thought you weren't up to it."

"I wasn't, but that was before I made progress, and before the press conference. I'm feeling the need to get out, to be a part of something again," In a more somber tone Jared added, "I know I don't stand a chance as a recording artist, but at least I can be a part of a team again. It's time for someone else to take the spotlight."

Even though Jensen disagreed with some of Jared’s points, he remained quiet. Instead, he chose to lean into Jared, resting his head on Jared’s shoulder, and listening to his quiet breathing. It seemed like forever before either of them said anything.

"We should probably get you into bed, Jared. Your therapist would kill the both of us if she knew the kind of strenuous activity we've been indulging ourselves in."

Jared started to chuckle at Jensen’s words, and leaned over to plant a kiss on his forehead.

"Yeah, we should, but let's just stay here a bit. I like this."

Jensen had to admit that he liked it too. This was the life.  



	36. Chapter 36

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> AU / Everybody has a dream. Some people make their dreams come true. Some just let their life slip by thinking about it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> None of this would be possible and readable without my awesome beta,[](http://bigj52.livejournal.com/profile)[bigj52](http://bigj52.livejournal.com/) . I learn from you everyday.

Jared tried to get Jensen to go with him but Jensen insisted that Jared had to do it on his own.At first Jared couldn't understand why, but standing there looking out at the crowd, he was beginning to understand.There would be times when Jared would have to face people and Jensen wouldn't always be there to watch out for him.It was as good a time as any time to try and do it on his own.Jared felt a tap on his shoulder and turned around.  


"Hey man, glad you made it.We're all excited to see you up and about."

 It was Matt and Jared was happy to see him.

 "I'm happy to be up and about man.Come over here and give me some love," And with that, Jared pulled Matt into his arms and held on to him.

 "Jesus Jared, we've missed you," Matt whispered.

 "I've missed you guys too.It's been long, too damn long." 

 They separated and walked over to the bar where Jared ordered a Coke and Matt a gin and tonic.

 "So...," Matt started, "How are things between you and Jensen?"

 Just hearing Jensen’s name brought a smile to Jared’s face.

 "Things are cool.He's been real strong through all of this, you know."

 "I know.Jensen's stronger than we all give him credit for.I'm surprised you didn't bring him here tonight."

 Jared smiled at that, "Yeah, well, the invite was extended to him but he decided to just let me handle this alone.Thought I'd have to venture out by myself at some point so why not now?"

 Matt nodded in agreement and patted Jared’s back.

 "Well,I've got to say that so far you've been doing well, kid."

 "Thanks."

 "And since you seem to be holding up, I want to make an intro to the guest of honor.This kid is so hot right now that he's going to rival your record sales soon.I also know that he's a big fan of yours.He’s been asking about you all night.He even asked me to put a proposal to you," And as if on cue, a young man with short dark hair appeared beside Matt and extended his hand.Jared took his hand in his and shook it.

 "It's such an honor to meet you," The young man stated, refusing to let Jared’s hand go. Jared was surprised that he was still being treated like royalty by anyone after all that had come out about him.

 "Well, I appreciate it man.I heard your CD and let me tell you that it's pretty tight.I especially like track two, it's creative."

 The young man’s smile seemed to widen if that was possible and for a moment, Jared thought he was going to pass out.

 "Thanks Jared, I appreciate it.Coming from you that means a lot.Wow, I can't believe I'm finally meeting you.I was telling Matt that I had to meet you to see if you'd like to sing some tunes on one of my upcoming tracks, but he told me that you retired."

 "Well, it's true.I'm sorry about that but there are many good artists Matt could recommend,-" Jared started only to be cut off mid-sentence.

 "Well, would you be interested in producing a few of my new tracks?The producer on my last album decided to leave and he left me high and dry."

 "I don't know.I'm not into that aspect of the business.” 

 Even though Jared had helped produce a few of his earlier tracks, he never foresaw himself doing it for anybody else.

 "Well that's cool, but the offer still stands.I don't have to be in the studio for three more months.Matt has my number in case you want to reconsider.It's a pleasure meeting you," And with that, he was led away by his entourage.

 Matt turned to Jared and smiled.

 "What?"Jared questioned.

 "Go for it," Matt stated.

 "Go for what?"

 "Don't play dumb with me Jared.I'm your friend, OK?I see it in your face that you miss the game.You want in and knowing you, you won't give in to that urge.So here is an opportunity for you to still be in the game without putting yourself in everyone's face."

 Matt’s face had turned serious and that for some reason bugged Jared.

 "Don't start up with me Matt.I told you I'm done and I mean with music, period.Whether it be singing, directing or producing, I'm done with all of it.I had my fill and now it's time for me to give someone else a chance.”

 Matt held up his hand in defense.

 "OK, I won't push the issue but I think you should think about it at least. You have talent Jared and I'd hate to see it get wasted because of some jerk like Patrick.You're an original man and there can be no other like you.Promise me you'll think about it, please.And don't do it for me, do it for you."

 It was true. Jared did miss all of it.

 "Fair enough, I'll think about it but don't be expecting me to change my mind anytime soon."

 "Fair enough.But listen man, I've got to present this cat to the audience so I'm going to leave you here to get reacquainted with some people.You gonna be OK?"

 "Yeah man, I'll be fine.Thanks."

 Jared watched as Matt walked away from him and into the crowd.Jared looked around and even though he noticed a few people, most if not all of them seemed to be steering clear of him.Jared wasn't an idiot by any means so he knew what thoughts must have been floating around in their heads,but having been through what he had been through, it didn't faze Jared one bit.He didn't really care what they thought about him or Jensen.A matter of a fact, he felt as If he was ready to bow out.It had been a long night and he wanted nothing more than to take Jensen in his arms, pull him close and tell him how much he loved and valued him.Jensen had been there for him through so much and was still holding down the fort while Jared tried to put the pieces of his life back together. It made Jared proud to be able to come out and tell the world just where Jensen’s place was and how he felt about him.

 He pulled out his cell phone and dialed his home number and it was as if his heart skipped a beat when he heard Jensen’s voice on the other end.

 "Hello."

 "Hey babe, it's me."

 "Jared, how's everything going?Are you OK?Did something happen?"

 Jared was quick to reassure him that all was well, "I just wanted to hear your voice Jen.I miss you.I had fun tonight but I feel like I need to be with you right now," And for some reason, Jared couldn't control the tight feeling that overcame his chest, made his throat a bit scratchy and his eyes watery.

 "It's OK baby, just jump in a cab or I can jump in a cab and meet you there."

 "You'd do that, wouldn't you?" Jared questioned, a smile creeping up on his face.

 "For you hon, I'd do anything," Jensen whispered.

 As Jared walked for the exit, ignoring all the stares that followed, the only reply he could muster up was, "The feeling's mutual."

 _______________________________

"Jensen, are you up for going into the city for a while?" 

 "Sure.Where are we heading?"

 "Just our usual diner. I kind of miss it."

 "OK babe, whatever you want to do.I probably should get in the shower then," And with that, Jensen started to get up only to be stopped by Jared’s hands pressing into Jensen’s shoulders and pushing him down.

 "I love you," Jared whispered in Jensen’s ear just before he leaned in and kissed the back of Jensen’s neck.

 Jensen turned to look at Jared and couldn't help but smile, "You're home early. I thought tonight was going to be an all-nighter?"

 "I ducked out.And besides, it's been a while since it's just been me and you."

 It was true, but to Jensen, that was the beauty of it.They lived life like any straight couple would.They fought, they made up, they worked hard, they made love, they fucked, they did it all. He loved Jared and Jared loved him, and even though the majority of people weren't receptive to their relationship, it didn't matter.All that mattered was that Jensen had finally gotten the one man he had waited his whole life for and that Jared loved and appreciated him as much as Jensen loved and appreciated him. No one would ever be able to take that away.

 Jared tried his best not to appear to be too anxious about their excursion to the city but it was hard.It felt so good to finally feel as if he was giving back to Jensen, for once, and as Jared looked over at Jensen as he stared out the window of the car, Jared felt his chest give that familiar pitter patter, and he couldn't help but think how much he loved that man.Jensen had been there for him through so much and even though he had not always shown his appreciation, Jensen never left his side or gave up on him.It took a special kind of person to put that kind of faith in something so unstable, but Jensen had done it and Jared vowed never to let a moment go by without telling Jensen how much his devotion meant to him.

 Jared put his thoughts on hold as he pulled into the parking lot of the restaurant.

 "This is it," Jared stated, turning to look over at Jensen.He then gave Jensen a smile.Jensen returned his smile and brought Jared’s hand to his lips, kissing it.

 Jared leaned over and brought his lips to Jensen, kissing him deeply, and Jared had to fight to control the urge to just pull him into the backseat and forget about their plans.

 "I promise we'll finish this later," Jared whispered, removing himself from Jensen’s embrace and turning off the engine.They both exited the car and hand in hand, walked through the front door of the restaurant.

 Dinner was wonderful and romantic. Jared could not have been more charming. 

 Jensen cleaned his plate, not because he was all that hungry but because he was stalling. He sensed something was up but could not say exactly what. He made mindless small talk and tried to find out what Jared was up to.

 Jared kept smiling and saying a word or two here and there. 

 Jensen folded and refolded his napkin. A silent minute passed. 

 “Shall we go, Jared?”

 “Just a moment,” Jared said before he stood up and walked away.Jensen looked at the time on his phone before putting it back in his pocket.The band finished playing a ‘Kiss’ song and began playing something else. Jensen wasn’t sure what it was until he heard a familiar voice. He grabbed his beer and twirled around on his seat and paused.

 Jared was on stage singing.

 Jensen could not recognize the song that Jared was performing but saw Jared waving his way. 

_ First off I can’t keep a promise _

_ I’m no one to count at all _

_ Add on that I am a coward _

_ Too scared to return your calls _

  
__But you don't care  
You keep sticking around  
While I'm acting a clown  
You're bigger  
Cuz you're still here  
Your feet stuck to the ground  
Despite how silly it sounds  
You're bigger than me  
  
It's known that I'm a liar  
Often I'm blacker than white  
Add on my uncanny ego  
No one’s less humbled than I  
  
But you don't care  
You keep sticking around  
While I'm acting a clown  
You're bigger than me  
Cuz you're still here  
Your feet stuck to the ground  
Despite how silly it sounds  
You're bigger than me  
  
All the messed up things I do  
Yeah I swear  
I'll make them up to you  
Before you're going heaven knows  
Just let me make it better  
I'll try to measure up  
I'll try to measure up to you, oh yeah  
  
I'll make it up to you, oh yeah  
  
But you don't care  
You keep sticking around  
While I'm acting a clown  
You're bigger than me  
Cuz you're still here  
Your feet stuck to the ground  
Despite how silly it sounds  
You're bigger than me ***

As the song came to the end, a blue banner started scrolling down from above the stage, written in dark, Italian-style writing were the words: ‘ _Jensen, We love you!’_

 The words were simple but their meaning hit the mark and had Jensen in tears.

 "Oh baby, that was so sweet,-" Jensen started to say as Jared walked down the stage and toward him. At that moment, the other part of surprise came bursting through the kitchen.The look on Jensen’s face was priceless and Jared was glad to be there holding Jensen as he looked as if he was about to pass out.Matt, Chris, Misha and Jensen’s family stood there in front of them.Chris and Misha held a gigantic cake that had Jensen's image on it and the simple message said: ‘ _We love you_.’

 "You guys, I--I--I don't know what to say," Jensen whispered.

 "Thank your man, he set this up," Stated Chris.

 Jensen turned to Jared and wrapped his hand around Jared’s waist.

 "I love you babe," Jensen whispered before bending his head upwards to meet Jared’s and plastering his lips to Jared’s.Even though that was not the first time they had kissed in public, it was the first time they had gone all out. It was as if they were the only ones in the room.

 "Enough you guys, let’s eat the cake," Stated Matt, and with that, they all sat down at one of the tables to eat.Jared and Jensen both felt good about just being able to hang out with all those people that stuck had with them through thick and thin, and celebrating their happiness with them , and most importantly, expressing the love they felt for one another openly in front of them. 

 Jared looked at Chris and Misha. They had surpassed all timelines that Jared had put on their relationship.Although it was strange to see a more mature Chris, it was also refreshing.

 As the night wore on, and as Jared watched Jensen interact with others, he couldn't help but reminisce about the old days.He felt that they had come full circle. They had built their relationship on friendship first and had proceeded to fall in love in the most unconventional way possible, and finally they had ended up at a point where they completed each other.Jared couldn't imagine his life without Jensen and there was no reason for him to.Jensen was his partner for life, and as he caught Jensen’s eye for a quick moment, Jared couldn't help but thank God for leading that man to him, for without him, Jared probably wouldn't have had the will to recover, start producing or anything else that he had managed to accomplish. Jensen made him want to do all that; just sitting there among their friends only served to reinforce it.As Jensen smiled at Jared from across the table, Jared couldn't help but smile back and think:

_ What a lucky man I am! _

  
**The End**

 

*** Backstreet Boys - Bigger  



End file.
